大象传媒

THE TALE OF TWO PISTOLS, Chapter Two
By
IanCDSmith

It was very different when it came to the affair of:

THE MISSING PISTOL

Southern Command orders for sometime in June 40 said that a Court of Inquiry would sit in Bulford to inquire into the apparent loss of a revolver issued to DriverJones. The Court to consist of Major James, Capt John, and 2/Lt Smith, 'l can vouch for the Smith part, but am not sure of the other names, though certain as to their rank, and the facts that follow.
In June 1940 the whole of Europe was in turmoil, but the British army stationed in England, though nominally on a war footing, was in fact following the habits and customs of peace time soldering: Majors and above were still seen wearing riding breeches and boots, but with not a horse in sight No matter what earth shattering events were taking place across the Channel, the loss of a revolver was a very serious matter, deserving a serious inquiry perhaps leading to a Court Martial!
The Court was held in a Nissen hut. They are cold in winter and baking hot in summer. The day was very hot and the internal temperature was hardly bearable. All Courts demand that participants should be dressed in their best, The best in this case was heavy service dress, Sam Browne, plus stick and gloves, it looked as if my first experience of a military court was to be, uncomfortable. As it turned out it was, but not because of the beat and not for me.
Major James and Capt John arrived. The Major, as I later learned was a distinguished K.C, he was Pickwickian in looks and manner. His wispy sandy hair reached to his jacket collar in a most unmilitary way. He had fluffy gingery side burns and wore steel rimmed glasses of the sort designed to wear inside a gas mask behind these sparkled two gimlet blue eyes. He had a captivating smile. Captain John, dark, tall and gaunt, was a conventional Army officer from his tooth brush moustache to his gleaming shoes. He showed neither emotion or interest in the proceedings,
A Sergeant Major of many years service had been appointed to act as the Court Usher. He lead us into the stifling heat of the hut.
"Christ, said the Major, and turning to the Usher "Get those windows open''
"They will not open, Sir, screwed down because of the black out" replied the Sgt Major .
" Break the bloody things then,! am not sitting in this Black Hole of Calcutta", Major James had a commanding, even intimidatory voice.
Assistance was summoned and the small windows of the hut were not so much opened as removed. Some air came in but it was still very hot, too hot for Major James.
"Smith. that's you isn't it?" he said poking his finger into my stomach ,and without waiting for confirmation continued "Take off your jacket, and your tie, be as comfortable and cool as you can and you too, my dear Capt John if you so wish" .John did not so wish and looked even more disapproving. For me it was an order which I was pleased to obey. Major James was soon in his shirt sleeves displaying a pair of scarlet bracers.
The story was very simple. Driver Jones in civilian life a weekend sailor, asked for leave to help a friend sail his boat to Dunkirk to help with the evacuation. Leave was granted and Driver Jones was wisely issued with a personal weapon, the revolver in question. Driver Jones's boat was sunk, he had to swim for his life and when picked up he found the revolver missing from its holster. On rejoining his unit he reported the loss. Hence the Court of Inquiry.
The Major ordered that the door be kept open during the hearing. The Usher said it could not be left open as subsequent witnesses could hear evidence being
given, here I thought Capt John was about to show solidarity with the Usher, but before that Major James informed the usher that it was not the Old Bailey just a stupid Court of Inquiry, and the door would be left open ,and if any passers by, let alone witnesses, still to be called cared to listen in they were welcome.
The tedium of evidence continued, and I, because it was my job as junior officer, took down statements for the witnesses to sign. Progress was slow. Suddenly the Major, asked the usher to clear the court. When this was done he turned to me and said that he would take down the statements.1 wondered what I had done wrong, but in any case was delighted to be relieved of the job.
The next witness gave his evidence, but the Major wrote nothing down when the evidence was complete. The Major wrote out a very few sentences and asked the witness to sign, in this case the witness, a storeman giving evidence of the original existence of the revolver, was glad of a chance to escape the heat and signed without reading his statement. So did many of the others.
But it was different with the Lt Quartermaster. He had probably initiated the inquiry. He had years and years of service in the quarter masters department ,and when he was commissioned as Lieutenant and Quartermaster he had reached the pinnacle of his career. He also knew a great deal about the loss of army stores and subsequent inquiries. He also had strong and regimented views on how these inquires should be conducted.
The Lt/Qm gave his evidence, the Major then wrote a, brief summary.
"Sign here" the major pushed the paper towards the Lt/QM,who read it carefully and replied.
"I did not say just that, I said a lot more Sir,'' "I know you did, and it was largely irrelevant, inconsistent, and ,muddled and on the whole Mr Whateveryournameis a bloody waste of my time, so sign here and lets get on.''
" I will only sign what I said" rejoined the Lt/Qm with some asperity.''
"Look,I see by your medals that you have endured many years of servitude in the army, presumably from choice. It is of course quite understandable that this has impaired your judgment concerning the importance and priority, which should be accorded to events. Let me tell you that outside your nicely regulated world, where all is order and light, where when a pistol is handed out you are certain of its return; there is unfolding a world war of unimaginable dimensions, a war that will totally eclipse any past conflicts, The future of not only this country but the world is at stake-I and many others have dropped every thing to lend a hand in defeating Mr. Hitler, and 1 can assure you we all of us have far better things to do than to find out how some petty pea shooter got mislaid. So bloodily well sign''
During this outburst the major's voice had become quite menacing, he must have been a powerful man in a proper court.
The Lt/Qm looked at the court members was grinning, the major glaring and Capt John expressionless, removed some imaginery fluf from his sleeve.
"Under protest Sir''
" Under whom you bloody well like, but sign''
He signed and after some more witness were swiftly dealt with, the major announced that we would adjourn for lunch, or probably he said luncheon.He ordered the court to reconvene at two thirty,sayng that he had to be away in time to catch the three thirty to Town-The Sgt Major acting as usher said there were still a number of witness to be heard, and was not half past two a bit late"?
"We won鈥檛 have to dawdle, shall we?" so saying he dismissed his driver and ordered me to drive himself and the Captain to lunch in Salisbury.
I had ridden a motor cycle for years, and could drive lorries, but strange to say up to then I had never driven a car on the open road-The major saw my hesitation and said "What鈥檚 wrong, you are in the bloody Service Corps, aren't you, therefore you drive''
Stung 1 replied 'Of course Sir.''
"Well get in the bloody thing then and drive to the Red Lion in Salisbury".
I assumed that driving a car would be the same as driving a large lorry but in minature, and so it proved with some notable exceptions, on my lorry the throttle pedal was
large, and heavy to depress. likewise when that pedal was pressed to the floor, the lorry only slowly gathered pace. my experience with a heavy lorry showed me that other road users generally gave ground and kept well to their side of the road. How very different it was in that staff car.
We set off at a great pace keeping firmly to the middle of the road, oncoming traffic was forced to the verge and sometimes on it, angry drivers blew their horns and on
one occasion shook a fist at us. But this was war time and we were in a large staff car, so to some extent we were privileged. One very near miss occasioned the major to exclaim. "Smithy,if I had wanted to be driven by a racing driver I would have hired one,for Christ's sake slow down before you kill the lot of us".
Gradually I modified my lorry manners ,and with only some minor miscalculation5,like almost trimming the toes of a constable on point duty, we arrived at the Red Lion. I was told to park the car and meet them in the bar.
"Tell me Ben Hur, do you normally drive like that or don't you like your fellow members?''
I told them that was my first time in a car. "Then why on earth didn't you say so''
"I did Sir, but you told--"
"Rubbish, have a drink''
" Thank you Sir, May I have a shandy"
" You may not, You may have a pint of bitter; what a strange lad, can't drive, doesn't drink what ever next?
At that time food and drink were plentiful, and the major ordered plenty of both, including a bottle of vintage port to be decanted to his precise instructions.
I drank ,enough to give me a feeling of well being to all men and particularly my table companions. The conversation was little more that a monologue, of court room battles, of the more devious habits of the judiciary, (and some were devious indeed),of innocent men sent down and guilty set free , it was a spellbinding performance told with total conviction.
Up to then I, together with the vast majority of Englishmen, had regarded the judiciary with fearsome respect. The major started doubts in my mind about not only the judiciary, but the whole of the English Establishment, doubts which have been since been justified many times over.
Cheered by the wine and enthralled with these intimate disclosures,! could have stayed all afternoon. But the major, having examined the port decanter and pronounced it dead, extracted from some intimate recess under his Sam Browne a large gold watch and said it was time to go. "Smithy get the car round---''
"But Sir You said --- 11
" Always bleating about something, Buck up or I shall miss my train''
.

am Browne a large gold watch and said it was time to go. "Smithy get the car round---''
"But Sir You said --- 11
" Always bleating about something, Buck up or I shall miss my train''
There followed another hair raising journey, but this time I was urged on by the major who told me to "drive as though the Hounds of Hell!! were at your arse".
The Court reconvened.
" Don't think we want to hear any more witnesses do we?" said the major more or less to himself, then
"Sgt Major. Tell everybody they can go. Oh, and thank them for coming will you'
I doubt if thanks were much in the Sgt Major's mind as he protested that there were still some witnesses to hear.
"No shan't need them,come back in a few moments to collect the verdict''
"Now Smithy, what say you?" asked the major as the Sgt major stormed out slamming the door.
"Sir, I think the revolver,---''
" Oh come on, you can't go on in that long winded way, we will be here all night..
What say you Capt Johnny?
Without waiting for the good Captain to reply continued,
鈥淚 think it best if you leave this bit to me, here give me the form for the verdict.''
He grabbed the form,nad carefully wrote down a few words
"Yes, that about covers it, here Smithy sign here.''
I signed ,and then cautiously read what I had signed..
The Court of Inquiry having heard the evidence has come to the unanimous conclusiont
"THAT IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS''
Capt John, hesitated, even I thought became a little ashen, glanced at the major and then signed in dumb protest. " That鈥檚 that then, Smithy give this bumph to the Sgt Major, theres a good chap. Well nice meeting you we made a capital team. Good bye" so saying he swept out in plenty of time for his train to town.
I will not deny that weightier verdicts than ours have been have eminated from Great Courts,but pound for pound our verdict on the piddling affair of a lost pistol in the midst of a global war must rank high, if the ensuing mayhem was any yardstick.
I, because of the notice on the board and my immediate enrollment in a unit whose very existence at that time was denied, escaped the blast, though the Adjutant at Bulford, no friend of mine, knowing where I was, paid me a visit to personally tell me of the displeasure our verdict had caused in very High Places,and that the court was to be reconvened.1 was told he actually saw me in the near distance, but was astonished to be told in rigorous terms that there was no recently formed unit there and therefore no 2/Lt Smith.
The row over the verdict reverberated through Southern Command right to the War Office. As every tier of command heard the dreadful news, Major James was summoned to explain. How he finally made out I do not know, though I suspect that he rather enjoyed his notoriety.
Some years later waiting to see some big wig at the war office, I was joined in the waiting room by another, we got chatting and he asked me had I ever heard of that remarkable Court of Inquiey and its bizarre verdict, I was about to claim my slice of fame when he was called away.
I was stopped in a Letterkenny street by an Irish Army Officer who said
鈥� I have just been to a lecture and your Court of Inquiry verdict was mentioned.鈥�
I suppose some time years before I might have spoken about it to friends in the Irish Army, but certainly not for many a very long time. I wonder if it is now an established part of case law?

漏 Copyright of content contributed to this Archive rests with the author. Find out how you can use this.