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TRAINS AND FARMS

Trains always fascinated me when I was a lad so it's not surprising my interest in them was renewed when I was forced to work near any railway yards while a Prisoner of War in Germany for four years during 1941-45
As I grew up I also accumulated (alongside the three R's that one learns) more by keeping quiet and listening to others.
I also learned that to do unto others as you would be done by sometimes didn't work so I adapted my own theme, do unto others then run.
Well it seemed to work better, for me, ---that is.
The first labour camp I was in was Stalag 3D near a village called Teltow and Herr Montag was the
camp commandant.
A labour camp was so named because if you did not work you did not eat so you did not have a choice but to work to live, and I think one does what one has to just to survive, because who knows what tomorrow may bring.
The food we got was just enough to sustain us so that we could work.
One day when we were on the station platform, waiting for a train to take us to our work.
The Guard who was watching us was told by the station Master to move us away from the Station, also everyone else was ushered away from the station and I thought to myself there must be an unexploded bomb somewhere.
But a little while later an all black heavily armoured railway train bristling with anti aircraft guns came gliding into the railway station and stopped amid clouds of steam.
SS guards blocked all doors, and through one of the huge oblong windows of what looked like the lounge carriage I could plainly see Adolf Hitler talking to some one opposite to him across a table.
We were approximately a hundred yards away.
The thought flashed through my mind to grab the rifle off the Guard who's only interest was picking his teeth and not a bit interested in what was happening around him, but then I thought if the glass was bullet proof I would achieve nothing and we would all have been shot, probably the Guard along with us also.
And to me the swap was unequal, fifteen POW even plus one uninterested German Guard, I didn't consider even Hitler was worth that much.
The train moved on about fifteen minutes later, so I had just missed getting my name into the history books.
When the train had gone we were allowed back on the platform and we got our train and went to work.
Later on in the day while at work I would say to the Guard "Pingle pauser' meaning I wanted to relieve myself because of discomfort from accumulated waste water and I would point behind some rail wagons.
Since my hearing was also acute I hated the sloshing noise the water made that sounded like a washing machine on the wash cycle as I perambulated hither and yon.

The Guard would shout ya, ya, and wave o.k.
He couldn't care less what we did while at work, the only thing he was worried about was making sure he went back to camp with the same number of blokes that he came out with.
So I would crouch behind the wagons and pretend to be looking for ants in the gravel and having leaked on a bunch of wild dandelion flowers that would probably be dead by the next morning I was no longer like a Spanish galleon with water sloshing round in the bilges every time the wind shifted the sails in the rigging.
When I was sure no one could see me I would lift the metal lid on the axle grease box of the nearest wagon and scoop out a hand full of grease.
Then push into the grease boxes a lot of sand and gravel then put the grease back on top of it and shut the lid.
Then I would emerge with a contented smile at the Guard and to add a bit of colour I would be adjusting my clothing.
I knew what I was doing, so if I got caught I would be shot as a saboteur.
Also we never knew who we were talking to, so it payed to keep mum. I did not push my luck and I would sometimes make up for lost chances, what I mean is I never stuck to a pattern.
One Guard we had was a bit different to most in that he was actually in love with his mirror image.
He used to wait till we were working and he would then pull out a little mirror and look at himself while smoothing his eye brows and tweaking his nose, and one day he was so busy looking in the mirror he tripped over a tree root and nearly fell down,.
Only thing was all the blokes had stopped working and had been stood watching him for a while and there were comments like, " Look at that pilluck!, 'e don' arf loike hissel" and " It's just as well, 'cos no bugger else does!"
There would be a titter of mirth from our blokes and when the Guard tripped every one shouted, "Bravo encore, author" and we all clapped our hands and the Guard got real nasty so we hurriedlywent back to working.
What happens to the bearings in the axle box?
Since the bearings in the axle box were made of white metal whose melting point is a little above that of lead and while they are lubricated by the grease packed in the box they stay relatively cool.
But should impurities like sand get in and cause friction which in turn generates heat, then the grease melts and runs out of the box and the now dry bearings get hotter and hotter until they turn to liquid and leak out of the box.
The axle turning between two halves of greased white metal now has a whole box about a foot square to jump about in.
So the end result is the continued buffeting of the axle in the cast iron box smashes the box and the wagon is derailed and all wagons following it pile up onto each other causing chaos on that line.
And if it happens near a built up area or hilly area it really causes havoc for a long time, and the cost to the British Government was not so many Lancaster bombers and crews but 10/- a week for a Pte Soldier.
And the best part about it was partisans were being blamed for it, "The French under ground has struck again" would be the cry.
Don't get me wrong I think the French Underground did a terrific job, as did lots of individuals, but I have not read or heard any one mention about those few of us who did what we did right under the noses of the Germans Guards and without tools or explosives.
The only thing that got up my nose were the blokes who would say, "I can stick this till the War ends" and "Your a bloody idiot risking getting caught and shot, and for what? When it's all over who will care what any of us did.
Be that as it may, but I have no regrets for what I did.
I did feel sorry for those blokes who had that, "Could not care less attitude" because with their lack of zeal or zest for life they may just as well have been flushed down the toilet in a one man rubber submarine tied tight at one end so the little begger could not get out.
I would lay on my bunk and think out different ways I could put a spanner in the works so to speak, maybe I was flag happy but I was not alone.
Maybe my Mum bought me too many comics when I was a kid, but I would do it again given the chance.
Why suddenly am I writing this?
Well I am 82, no big deal.
Lots of people get to be 100 but no one cares any more once the lid is screwed down.
The only trouble is we don't get a ticket or a pass that guarantees we will get to be 100 so I thought it was time to write this and clue in some people who seemed to think we sat around on our backsides waiting to be rescued.
We would be working one day and suddenly a cheer would go up when a train went racing past with smoke pouring from one and sometimes two of the wagon axles and we would hear from the Guards that the underground had struck again.
Little did they know?
I would be really chuffed when the smoke coming from an axle belonged to a train loaded with Tiger Tanks.

And it was good to see the wagon with the smoky wheel was in front of the wagons loaded with Tanks because all the wagons after the smoky would be derailed so fifty Tanks would be late for the front if any got there at all.
Certainly some would be damaged.
Some would say I was mad to go picking up the white metal off the sleepers where it had dropped from the wagon forming shapes like coins and some times like tear drops.
When I got this metal back to camp I would save it until I had enough to make utensils.
Then we got moved
Stalag 404 near a Village called Grossbeeren was a different camp in that during our short stay there we never got to play with trains or any thing else for that matter.
But I did almost put my foot in it so to speak when I thought I was being smart.
I had been rounded up with other blokes because we said we could lay bricks, so Jerry decided to use us to help out the local contractor to repair some buildings.
Well I thought this a golden opportunity to get up to mischief.
When I built up this wall that was supposed to key into an existing wall at right angles, I left out the key brick so when the wall was finished if some one leaned a ladder against it would fall down.
If you have ever seen a wall with half bricks missing every other layer then these were the bricks I left out.
But the snag was before they got covered up the Guard spotted what I was up to and stopped me doing that job anymore and he made me join the lads who were mixing the mortar.
I must admit that particular Guard proved to me that there were some half decent blokes even though they were working for Hitler.
Sabotage in Germany during WW2 covered lots of scenarios like the sinking of ships and blowing up of railways, or taking an apple off a tree on the road side because one is hungry, or accidentally knocking over the local Policeman's bicycle where it is propped up by the kerbside.
This Guard did not report any of the incidents and I should have been warned.
So I put in less cement and stuck it to the Jerry that way, and the next day I was not with the building brigade any more.
Methinks I got off light for tempting fate.
But alas I was now missing out on those hot potatoes at midday and had to settle for what passed as soup.
And yes it looked like someone had just passed it.
And some times smelled like it as well.
To make matters worse anyone in the camp all day had to put up with being roused about by some of the Ferrets.
Ferrets were the German Guards who did not patrol the wire, but roamed all the camp just watching and waiting for an excuse to harangue or abuse anyone they thought hadn't been abused lately.
They took to baiting anyone.
For example one day a bloke with a broken leg was hobbling along and a Ferret coming from the opposite direction turned his foot a little and tapped his toe against the near crutch causing the bloke to crash to the ground and all the Guards had a good laugh.
Meanwhile the Ferret was saying how sorry he was and added, "Vie don' you look vare you are goink dumkopf ?" there were lots of little incidents that were more frustrating than annoying.
Some of us thought the mentality of these Germans such that that was the reason they were here.
They were too stupid to be otherwise employed, and when some of us voiced this opinion it was like some one had scored a goal at a footy match and it helped to get us through the day.
We would pass the time by telling jokes or making up stories of what we were going to do when we got home and some of the suggestions were hilarious and even if we were hungry we could still laugh.
It also served as a cloak because while Jerry was busy wondering why we were so jolly when we had nothing to be jolly about others were busy with escape plans and diggings.
I did hear that in one Camp there were so many tunnels under the barracks the whole block sank four feet one night due to a lot of rain water all night .
In another barracks the roof collapsed because of dry earth piled up in the ceiling got wet and doubled it's weight.
One wooden shed finally collapsed because we had scavenged most of the nails that held it together.
Nails made good tools and they also made good axles for fans in tea blowers, (like in a miniature blacksmiths forge).

Then one day a Jerry on a tractor was mowing the clover outside the wire, and the Guard out side the wire stopped to watch as he passed, when all of a sudden one of the big rear wheels of the tractor sank down and the engine stalled, and when Jerry brought in another tractor to tow the bogged down one out they discovered a tunnel out of our camp.
For the next week they had a search looking for more tunnels.
We had fun because when Jerry found a tunnel he would smirk at us and say " Vie du yu vaste yore tiame dikkink tannals ven yu k'now vie hef vays of findink zem."?
But most were old tunnels so we couldn't care less, but it did keep Jerry busy while we were interested in other projects.
Anyway if I made a Jerry miserable if only for a short time it was worth it. The main clue to success was think like a German and do the opposite.
Then a new Commando was formed and we were asked if anyone was familiar with Farm work.
I was the first to stick my hand up and the Guard took my number and wrote it in his little notebook.
On Monday morning about twenty of us were taken to the railway station and after maybe fourty miles we got off and walked to a Village and the first old bloke we saw the Guard asked him directions.
The old German asked "Wer sind die Auslander" (Who are the foreigners) to which the Guard replied, "Englander" and the old bloke muttered, "Mach's nichts" (does'nt matter) and pointed to a house on the corner of a lane.
The house had a high wall with broken glass set in concrete on top and it reached to the next building on the left. To the right was what looked like a long barn and from the back of that to the next tall building was another wall also covered in broken glass.
The barn type building had barbed wire criss-crossed across the windows and I counted four big windows and the far one was smaller and narrow, I was quick to note the small window had no barbed wire over it so it probably did not open.
In the left wall where two big gates which when opened could admit two horses and a farm wagon and it was this gate we were marched through and we right turned and walked into a big barn.
On entering the barn we found near the door but more to the centre of the room a big pot bellied stove, on the left was what looked like a stage, so I thought maybe it was used as a theatre for the entire village 'cum Michaelmas' or when ever there was a special event.
On the floor were sacks of straw and the Guard pointed to these and said, " Zum schlafen", so we gathered these were our new beds.
The Guard then walked through the barn and turning to the right went into a passageway that led to the house.
At this stage I was looking at the windows from the inside looking out and all the windows facing the lane had barbed wire nailed on but the ones facing into the farmyard had none, well it was pretty obvious with broken glass on the wall top we would not be going out that way, to start with we would need a ladder to get up the wall and having got to the top you could break a leg jumping down not counting the sharp glass to cross. Finally the guard came back with blankets and gave us one each and when we pointed out it was cold in this big old barn he pointed to the stove and shrugged.
We got settled in and wondered what was going to happen next. We got a fire going in the stove and when it got going it changed everything, soon the pot belly started to glow a dull red and even at three yards away you could feel the warmth from it, this was not so bad after all, then the Guard brought in a dixie full of stew along with tin plates and spoons and a slice of bread each and it wasn't long before we were lounging on these sacks of straw.
One had to get used to them or one would just roll off them. After jumping up and down on them once or twice then turn them over and do the same to that side they finally capitulated and allowed one to lay there without being thrown off, the only trouble was because the sacks were only so long one had to roll up another empty sack to use as a pillow, trouble with this was if a person moved too much during the night the straw sack parted company with the pillow sack and one could wake up with a stiff neck, which tended to remind us of other perks we were missing out on.
To overcome this problem we would tie string round both ends of the pillow and sew it through the top of the straw sack and it solved the problem. We didn't know it at the time but this was only the first problem we were to encounter on this job.
Another was washing our clothes, to do this meant one had to strip, wrap a drying cloth or rag or newspaper wrapped round and held in check by a bit of string, then wash clothes and put them near the stove to dry, now in a P.O.W. camp there is no problem because there are no Civilians, but here there are windows all over the place and any one coming in from the house, well you never can tell when it might just not be the Guard, I could just imagine a little old Lady not knowing we were there and hearing us being noisy thinking perhaps there was a concert for the Village going on and she was missing out, coming in and suddenly seeing us all naked and having a heart attack.
Sabotage, und shoot the mongrels, poor defenceless little old lady, Poland had lots of little old ladies, und men, und kids, und so on.
Enter the first day, up at seven, wash under the pump, brrr the water was freezing but it did get the circulation going, then fall in and march to a small Farm about a mile away from the Village.
There is no need for me to describe breakfast because we never got any.
There we were guided by a French bloke to a field where there were three very long heaps of what looked like straw and dirt mixed.
I recognised it for what it was, a potato pie, this is where the potatoes are stored when they are first dug up and collected, they are put in these long heaps the covered over with straw and earth is thrown on to stop the wind blowing the straw away, also it stops the frost in winter time from damaging the spuds.
By the way did you know Hitler came from Ireland originally, he was called Spud Murhpy but then he moved to Germany and changed his name to Dick Tater.
Then the French bloke took us to this what looked like a mangle but with a long drum made of meshed wire and actually it was a potato riddler.
Potatoes are loaded into one end and they were graded simply by turning the handle causing the drum to go round, the potatoes then tumble round and down the tube, small potato and dirt would drop through the mesh, bigger ones would fall through further down and the largest make it out of the end and into sacks, the smaller ones are usually saved as pig feed, the next size are saved for self use on the Farm and the biggest went to Market.
In winter everything is covered with rime so the last thing a person would want to do is grab that iron handle with bare hands, so out of some sacking we made mittens and that solved that problem.
But then the French bloke had a go at us for cutting up sacks so we told him "O.K. you turn the handle with no mittens" and as he wandered off muttering under his breath something about, "Merde le Angleterre!" but we just ignored him.
If it was a nice day, well every day is a nice day, some are just better than others, but if the sun is shining and you can look around maybe there are some wild flowers like violets in the hedge bottoms or crocus on the bank some times you can see buds pushing up through the snow keep winding the handle round and round and round and round and round, and thinking why does somebody have to spoil it, all these pretty flowers and some one comes along and pulls them up just to stick in a jug, leave them where they are, then the next person who comes by can also enjoy the view, stuffit let some body else have a go.
"Here Dicko, you have go"
"Woa--- not me mate, leave me aht ov it, oi got me own werries!"
"No nor 'im, ony time e's interestid is if it goes up an' dahn.
So somebody else would take a turn and I would take a turn at sewing the now full sacks of potatoes, but first they had to be weighed, and yes you guessed it, before you can get any work done most blokes wanted to know how much they weighed.
Perhaps it was because the scales were a bit like a seesaw it brought back marital or child hood memories, 'It's all in the mind,' a big bloke got on and we had to change the weights round because he was heavier built than most and he weighed just over twelve stone.
"Cor stone the crows" he growled, "I was fifteen stone before these back studs got me in the bag".
Somebody else chimed in with "Ow abaht stonin' some more bleed'n' crows en app'n us cud 'ave for'n'twenny bleed'n' black birds baked in a pie, hu, hu, hu,"
I also had lost weight but it did not bother me too much because I never was a fanatic in that direction.
The next day it rained so we did quite a bit of sheltering in the wagon shed, and you know what they say about idle hands, that's when one begins hatching plots.
"Doggy yo gor a brain loik a can o' worms, ah mean we're do yer ger all these mad ideas" (because I would put forward different formulae) for escaping.
Someone suggested I had a one-track mind and I agreed I said, "The track start here and ends at our front door back home".
"If you keep your eyes and ears open and make mental notes, you also can have a brain like a can of worms, to which our resident wit replied " Yea, bat in 'is case 'e don't 'ave a bleed'n' can opener, do ee".
I would catch some ones eye and they would just smile and slowly shake the head and we would continue working, they were not such a bad mob of blokes.
About four o'clock we would pack up for the night and this entailed covering over the potato pie heap so the frost during the night would be kept at bay. I think everyone had one potato in his pocket and I think the Guard knew we had but he said nothing, and when we got back to our barn cum billet, since we got stew when we got in we decided to roast them by the fire for supper and the Guard even brought in some salt and wagging a finger said, "Sie can nicht mair wie eine bringen" (Don't bring back more than one) in other words don't get greedy and spoil it.
So we left it at that and everybody was happy.
The odd egg was pilfered straight from the horses mouth so to speak so it would be made into an omlette and four blokes got to share it so next time another four would share it and so on.
One bloke really smacked his lips and said "I heard abaht this bloke who went into a cafe and the waitress warbled, "We have a special treat today"
"Is that a fact?" asked the bloke, trying to be extra polite"
"Yes" she said, "There is some nice tongue or calf cheek"
"No fanks" said the bloke
"Well I didn't fancy anyfing out of an animals mouf' so she brings me these two boiled eggs, luvly they wuz an' all!"
We were going though this potato pie like nobodies business and we had stacked up quite a sizeable pile all in bags and weighed ready for Market then these two Frenchmen would come with a wagon and an ox, load them all and take them away.
I noticed that these two Frenchmen arrived every day to work on bicycles which were leaned up against the wall and at about quarter to four they would leave on their bikes, this did not mean anything to me at the time but later on I also noticed that on a Thursday night they must stay over for the night because normally we get to working in the morning and they usually turn up at about half an hour later, but Friday morning they were already there, so they maybe get paid Thursday and stay to play cards with the Farmer.
I put this info in a pigeon hole as it were and carried on with the good work.
We did not work on Sundays so we would wash our clothes out. I was busy washing my shirt and the Guard came out and watched me with an amused look on his face suddenly he said to me, "Du lieber Gott warum so feil seife"(Dear God! why so much soap) he wasn't a bad bloke in fact a bit later on he stopped carrying his rifle round and left it in his room presumably locked up, he did not know us that well I think.
It was Sunday and I had washed my few clothes so I wandered inside.
Most of the other blokes were outside in the farmyard and the Guard was out there with them it was a good day to wash clothes, warm wind, nice sunshine, there was a bloke from the Black Watch inside and quick as a flash I checked the Guards position and whispered to Jock, "Keep your eye on the Guard "Aye richto!, wit's goan' oan?" he whispered back, "I don't know yet but I got a feeling there's no wire on that little window, "Och they wid'ny be tha stupid" he said, "Wid they?"
I said I thought the little window would have to be where the end of the stage was, so again I asked him to watch the Guard, "If he stands up have a sneeze or a cough" I said.
"Aye o.k. right, ah hope ye ken wit yer daen en at?" said Jock and added "Jist watch yerrsel".
I climbed onto the stage and to the left was a door, I opened it and it was access to a small dressing room with a few clothes on a peg, I nipped quietly over to the opposite door opened it and lo and behold there was the window.
I tried it and it opened without a sound and closing it quickly I closed the door and got off the stage then walked to the door and the Guard was sitting in the yard cleaning under his nails with a match stick and enjoying the sunshine meanwhile my heart was thumping away because suddenly a plan was taking shape and the can of worms was working overtime.
I got Jock into a corner and we had a confab. I told him my idea and he was all for it.
Actually one didn't have to be a genius to think up this idea it was mostly common sense but Jock thought it could work and I thought it would work so it was two to nothing and the vote was carried and we would start the ball rolling straight away.
That reminds me … I did watch a lot of Laurel and Hardy movies as a child.
Quite simply the idea was that since the Germans had zones and if we could get out of our zone quietly at night and hide up during the day and keeping to the country away from roads and walk in the shadows of hedges so one is less likely to be spotted in the moonlight, and we could live off the land then have no one to give us away.
Once out of the area it was that simple, and we did not have to bother with false papers or risk being caught on a train, and at a push Jock would be deaf and dumb because sometimes it took me all my time to understand him when he got into an argument and broke into his Glasgow "Och awa an' bile yer f****n' heed! " English, let alone German.
And to get our of the area in one night, two bikes would be a great help and with a bit of luck we could contact the Underground and go from there.
So we arranged it for next week and in the mean time we dried bread and sewed it into our over coats, fresh vegies we could get from farms we passed by, and then we were like two kids waiting for Christmas.
One bloke approached us and with a concerned look on his face and queried, "I hope you two blokes know what you are doing, this is not a game you know?"
I replied, "Thanks for the concern old mate, but if we get caught you will not be involved and we will no longer matter nor care any more, but at least we have the satisfaction of knowing we tried."
The Guard would retire to his room once we got in from work, maybe to have a wash up, then about half an hour would go by and he would appear with the stew or soup, the menu was varied by the way, one night we would have potato stew, the next night it would be potato soup, the next night it would be soup with potatoes in it then for a change we would have boiled potatoes with their jackets on, and soon blokes were wandering around like zombies muttering, "The Ayes have it".
Sunday night we got a change and a bowl of sauerkraut (cabbage boiled in vinegar) and one night we got lentils, all I could see were bed bugs, because they look like bed bugs, sometimes the mind plays tricks and I was so convinced they were moving so there is no way am I going to eat these.
The Guard would sit by the pot bellied stove all evening and sometimes when he felt like it he would ask one of our blokes to sit for him and he would sketch their portrait, and he was good.
When it appeared everyone was down for the night he would put out the light and retire to his quarters, and the silence would be broken only by a snore or a sound like somebody had let go of a balloon before tying some string on it, then a voice would complain , "Bloody hell mate, wotcha bin eatin? ah hed ti chew that three times afore ah could breath in" and sometimes to ease the tension somebody would say in the quiet dark, "I don't believe it" "and a weary voice would query, "Oh, and what don't you believe Fanny"?
"I'm getting fat" came the reply,
"Not on spuds yu aint" and "tek yer 'and offen it an' go ter sleep,"
Another voice volunteered "Maybe yow is pregnant",
"Yu'll both be fn' pregnant if yu don s**t in it an' go ti sleep".
The next morning was overcast but not raining, perhaps a bit cold but coming out of that warm barn into the cold morning air but combined with a wash in the icy water from the pump served to wake us up,.
And now a brisk walk would get the red corpuscles racing round ones system , then some twit started, "eft, 'eft, I 'ad a good job but I 'eft," and when he shut up somebody else decided to imitate RSM Britain of the Welsh guards of World renown i.e. the loudest voice in the British army, "eft 'ite, 'eft 'ite, 'eft 'ite 'eft, 'cor, yo all is a slovenly lot, wot are yuz?" and some blokes would yell back, "We are a slovenly lot Sar'n Major" and everybody would shout, "Never seen anything like it in all me loife" and the German Guard would have a puzzled smile and maybe he could be forgiven for thinking we were all cracking up, but it did let steam off.
I watched out for our friendly Froggies and they arrived about a quarter hour after we got to work, they leaned their trusty iron steeds against a shed and went into the house, "I'll bet they are having bacon and eggs, hot buttered rolls and………"
Why don't shut up about grub" somebody snarled.
About half an hour later Le Frog and his offsider came sauntering out and went into a shed where there was some farm machinery and we could hear a lot of banging and knocking " Somebody suggested they ought to put a red light up outside "Well it sounds like a Frog knockin' shop it may as well look like one" another voice said, "Yea put a sign up an' call it The Plough Inn or The Knotted Pine" to which a mournful voice "I'm pinin' ter get knotted, another replied "Yea, well don't come near me, oi got me own problems ain't oi!".
The two French blokes had nothing to do with us, they were not unsociable but they kept mostly to themselves, if they passed us we got, "Bonsoir" or "Parlay vous Francais?" or similar but apart from that they may just as well have been on the moon.
About a quarter to four they got on their bikes and pedalled off. Then at four or a little after it didn't matter really because we were not going anywhere special we would set off back for the barn and our daily watery soup.
It was always nice to sit on the straw and relax. I was next to the Black Watch Jock bloke, never did get his name, somebody got the stove going and it wasn't long before the room was warmer.
I told Jock that as soon as the Guard went to bed I would give him ten minutes to settle down then I was going to snoop behind the two big curtains that covered the stage front, I had given some thought to these windows and the only thing that jelled was since one looked into the farm yard and it was covered with wire it pointless going through that one and the other one had been missed since the curtains were drawn no one saw it at all, either way I was going to look at the one that looked onto the lane.
Some blokes played cards and another group told dirty jokes but some wanted only to lie there and enjoy the moment, perhaps thinking about family or girl friend.
Finally all was quiet and the Guard was sitting by the stove, and I was wide awake, heart going like a trip hammer, finally the Guard stretched, got up and then wandered down the passage, I waited listening and I thought I heard a bed creak so very quietly I got up and got to the stage and climbed up and slipped through the curtains, that was good because now if the Guard came out any way he could not see me if I kept still. Jock was going to cough violently should the Guard suddenly come in.
I had a look round this small dressing room there was a top hat, tails, a scarf, some coloured silks in a drawer and hanging from a peg a brightly coloured stick with a star on top, some kids magic wand no doubt and it crossed my mind so I grasped it tight and wished I was home, but there was no magic puff of smoke and nothing changed so I thought, "Bugger the Fairies, they are never around when you need them".
I had a quick shufty at the window and sure enough there was no wire on it, and I undid the latch and the window slid upwards and open silently.
I closed the window without a sound and got back to behind the curtains and peeked through and looked up the passage, now if Jerry stays put till I get to my bed and I slipped silently through the curtains and off the stage then moved to the stove because it occurred to me if Jerry suddenly opened his door he'd wonder what I was up to half way between my bed and the stage but if I was near the stove I could use the excuse I was cold, now the distance to my bed was half as long and I could say I had been warming myself, but the Guard did not come out and I told jock what I had found out.
We whispered about this and that until somebody growled. "Put a bleed'n' sock in it why don't yer!"
And we shut up and I lay looking at the glow on the stove for a long time until a zzz zzz was coming from the bloke near me and I thought what was I leading him into, but then he was all for it and it was his choice.
Then I thought if we were caught, one bloke could act as an imbecile but two would be suspicious.
I must have fallen asleep because suddenly a voice was demanding, "Aufstehen alle, guten morgen mien herren, haben sie gut geshlafen."? get up everybody, good morning,Gentlmen, did you sleep well.
We had the dried bread and carrots sewn into our coats and today was Thursday and I I was on pins and needles the Jock bloke looked at me and winked as much as to say, "Well this is it "today's the day".
We went outside and washed in the cold water from the pump after a brisk rub down with the sacking that served as a towel we fell in ready for work. Oh! And no I did not forget to mention breakfast because we never got any.
One meal a day that was soup when we got in from work, why do you think we nicked what ever we could?.
So a good Guard or a bad Guard could make life tolerable or just down right miserable.
We marched down the lane and passed a cow looking over a gate and one of the blokes shouted at it "Moo ya ugly lukin back stud, somebody else chimed in with, "You'll have to put more bull into it Dicko, she's just not interested" and another voice quipped "Oi dunno ole mate, app'n she's better lukin than ma missus".
We got to work without further ado and soon the potatoes were flying, shovel the dirt away, sew the bags up, " Bonsoir meseur"
"F***off Frog ahm busy,"
"Non mon sewer, silver plate,!" and the Frog was stood there with a pail and a tin cup, dipping the cup into the hot whatever it was he offered it to one of our blokes to cries of "Watch it Blakey you don't know where that bucket has been", another quipped "Yea mate it could 'ave bin under 'is bed all night".
It turned out to be mint tea, I think what ones does is fill the pail with boiling water then go into the garden and pull out a mint bush and dunk it into the boiled water two or three times and walla mint tea.
From my point of view the only good thing was it was hot, since there was no milk or sugar involved, there were no other advantages except perhaps it stopped your draining system from healing up or growing over.
Still it proved the Frogs were human after all, unless there was an ulterior motive for this sudden act of generosity. Well I thought, after today it would not involve us any more so I just thanked them and continued with what I was doing.
It was half past three and I could not keep my eyes from glancing at the bikes leaning against the wooden shed, four 'o'clock and the Frogs had disappeared into the house, "Lose, alle man fertig machen" (ok everybody finish what you are doing,) and we finished and fell in to come home.
On the way home we passed the five barred gate the cow had been looking over and somebody said, "Yu girl frend's gorn Dicko", to which Dicko replied, "Up yours".
As we passed the little window I looked at it out of the corner of my eye expecting maybe to see it wired over, surely somebody else must have noticed, God am I the only one that's really awake, Jock would not have known if I hadn't pointed it out to him and we had not told anyone else, but we had to tell the others before we left because we wanted them to cover for us when we left.
We turned right at the corner and I noticed the front door of the farm house was set back, the door was actually built into the corner of the house, so as you stood at the front door there was an over hang as the rest of the building seemed to loom over you. We continued round the corner to the big double doors only one of which was open and walked in to the farm yard, there were now some cows in the middle enclosure, they must have been brought in while we were at work because we had seen no sign of them before. Come to think of it we had seen no one to do with the farm or the village except the old bloke when we first arrived.
After a wash under the pump we settled down to wait for tonight's horses duvers or whatever was in the offalling.
It turned out to be millet and the manure hit the fan, "S**t, oi feeds me bleedin budgie bleedin' millet don' oi", oi aint eatin no bleedin' millet, hey Fritz" and angrily turning to the Guard and then to me he snarled "Hey Doggy tell this p***k ahm not gonna work all day for a ladle full of bleedin' bird seed, and suddenly we realised that on his own he was going nowhere.
I think we all felt the same disgust but he was more volatile and suddenly this had triggered him off. Well for the official issue of food doled out to us, not counting the odd nicked potato we suddenly knew why the Indians had gone berserk at the battle of Wounded Knee. He was right you cannot get out if you don't put in.
So I asked all the blokes what they wanted to do, and one bloke said. "O.k. ask the Guard if the Farmer will give us something else, add that we are not animals nor birds, and if he expects to get any work done tomorrow we expect to be fed accordingly."
"You might also add what we get to eat will reflect in tomorrows work, also if they are going to starve us to death we might just as well be shot now and be done with it"
I translated this to the Guard as best as I could and I couldn't have been that bad because he grabbed the Dixie and went through the passage and I could hear a heated debate going on then the Guard came back and made with his hand like he was bouncing a rubber ball on the pavement I took it to mean simmer down and wait. Since we had nothing better to do other than listen to our tum's rumbling we must have waited an hour or more then a door at the end of the passage opened and a voice shouted, "Essen" and the Guard got up and walked down the passage and after an exchange of words came back with the Dixie full of stew put it on the floor and said to me and I told the blokes word for word. "I'm to blame, I picked up the wrong dixie, the other one was for the pigs," so I asked the Guard why had it taken over an hour to change dixies, I then added "I also heard the farmer ask you to tell us this lie and I may not be fluent in German but I am also not stupid."
The Guard went very red and I was beginning to feel a little out of my depth so I said quietly, "Lass mal liegen" ("leave it at that") and the very angry Guard went and sat on his seat near the stove and we got stuck into the stew.
We had upset the Guard but if the Farmer had thought he could get away with feeding us pig swill he would have done, and I do think the Guard was not aware of what was in the dixie, so in truth the Guard was between the devil and the deep blue sea if you get my drift.
Anyway we got settled for the night and it seemed an extra long time before the Guard finally roused himself stretched and stood up looked all around put out the light and quietly walked through the passage opened a door closed the door and as he closed the door the last of the light disappeared, now all I could see was very dim because the only light came from the glow of the stove, but it was enough for what we had in mind.
Whispered instructions to the two blokes either side of us and the reaction was immediate,
"S**t, yer a crazy pair of back studs!" but Jock whispered urgently, "For Christ sake keep your voice doon", and they accepted what was about to happen but with apprehension.
We waited till all was quiet and still, some were snoring gently, then a chilling thought suddenly occurred to me, what if it was a set up, what if some warp minded Jerry had left that window on purpose and there was a Sniper waiting outside maybe up in somebodies warm bed room sipping schnapps and muttering to himself, "Come on Tommy (not me personally) yep' I'll bet a pound to a pinch of snuff he's got the rifle laid across the window sill and his feet up on a chair, probably chewing on a sausage, I was jolted out of my reverie by a nudge from Jock, "Hey" he whispered, "Are we awa' then or no?" and I whispered back, "I just had a horrible thought, before we get out of the window let's get that brush and put a coat over it and fasten a bunch of straw above it to look like a head, ok?"
"Why"? asked the puzzled Jock
"Just a wee precaution" I whispered, "Do it"
He did it, and we made our beds look like there was somebody in them by piling straw up and covering it with the blankets, then we crept onto the stage and into the little room on the right, and it was unreal because in the silence of the night the boards seemed to scream actually there was only the odd creak as an old board protested as it took our weight, it was us, or rather me, Jock didn't seem to be bothered too much, but I was hearing and sensing and sniffing the air and trying to see into the shadows out side and I could see a building in the distance only very dim because it was so dark out side and I felt relief because in this light even with a scope someone would be battling to see us anyway I was still not going to be caught with my pants down as the saying goes, so I quietly lifted up the bottom half of the window and taking the now disguised broom and standing behind the wall I pushed the ensemble through the window at the same time motioning to Jock to get behind the brickwork at his side then I began inching the brush down so it would look like a bloke slowly climbing down, I was thinking any minute now . Nothing happened, and still I waited so I made it look like he was climbing back in.
Still nothing happened so I laid down the brush and put my leg over the sill and climbed down to the ground and was immediately joined by Jock and we set off down the lane, I wanted to run spread my arms out and take off, unfortunately it's not that simple, we were now escaped British Soldiers and as such could be shot on sight, that was one problem but now we encountered another, it started to rain, our immediate goal was the two bicycles about a mile away.
At first the rain was a fine rain but it was still wet, and it wasn't too long before we were both like two drowned rats, soaked to the skin, and suddenly it dawned on me that we could now say goodbye dried food sewn in our coats, and the soaked coats were now very heavy.
We had gone perhaps a quarter of a mile when we were enveloped in a fog and suddenly a bloke on a bike with no lights came out of the fog and almost ran me down, "Shizer noch mal" ( s**t and again) spat the German civilian in sudden fright as he wobbled then sped off into the fog behind us.
Maybe he thought the expletive would cover both of us, that is if he saw Jock as well due to the fog, but we just plodded on and about five minutes later I said to Jock, "Listen" we both stood stock still and heard an engine noise coming nearer and nearer, Jock said "That back stud has shopped us, then I saw a light winking toward us and thought any minute now and as if one string worked us both we dived into the gully at the side of the road, and presto just what we both needed most a bath in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night when we were already wet through.
The gully was full of water and it was so cold and as I was about to suggest giving it away and try another day Jock said "I vote we give it away till another day" and I said " I second that motion" so Jock said, "Thank f**k fer thaaat if aahd kent that aahd ave sed it errlier" and we retraced our footsteps hoping the Guard was still abed.
All the way back and our shoes were making funny noises because of the water in them, however we got back to about a hundred yards away from the window also the rain was now pouring down so it drowned out any noise we might be making when I heard a woman laugh then some muttered words and another titter, and thought I, half his luck on a night like this, still beggars can't be choosers.
Then it suddenly dawned on me it was the Guard's voice and it was coming from the front door, that's it they are in the shelter of the front door, so I whispered to Jock and we sank down into the wet grass because if we were to proceed one of them was bound to spot us. I whispered to Jock "Won't be long now " just to perk his spirit up a little, and he whispered back "I don't see any movement maybe he's gone tae sleep on the joab, and it must be aboot three en the morrrnin".
The rain poured, we prayed, the Guard screwed literally, we screwed the Guard verbally, and all together it was a screwed up night and I wished I had a robot so I could wind it up and program it to go to Berlin and screw Hitler and all his fornicating colleagues.
Finally I heard through the noise of the rain "Gut nacht leibchen" Jock must have heard it too because he muttered, "Aboot fn' time, to which I whispered "No he's passed that, now it's his bed time, we both had a snigger at this wit, and I had a sneaky feeling we were both releasing tension that had been building all night.
A light suddenly streaked out from the front door and then disappeared as the door was closed, only then did I realise I was so cold we had been laid immobile for so long in the wet grass.
I whispered to Jock "Let's give him time to have a look round then go to bed" Jock nodded.
And somewhere around four in the morning we quietly got back through the window and took off our clothes and put them near the stove to dry, Jock said "What if the Guard sees em"? "Tell him we both had the runs during the night and had to wash them"
"But what if he asks what gave us the runs" "Tell him the truth that he does"
The next day was twice as long as it should have been, the Guard didn't even notice the clothes near the stove, probably because we always use this method in wet weather, it's a good job he wasn't too observant either or he would have noticed two blokes yawning their heads off all day.
We finished work and trudged home and after the usual stew which had improved markedly and laid on our beds of straw chewing the fat with the other blokes, it's always the same though, some blokes hang back, they need a paper signed by Jerry to say "We the under signed promise not to hoot, root, or shoot said P.O.W. if caught trying to escape, we do however retain the right to give them a good F****n' or reprimand which ever is applicable to each individual case, signed A.H. for the German High Command.
And to cap it off a voice about three beds away queeried ,"Der, were there any wimmin on't street wen yer was 'avin yer moonlite stroll" and I said, "Funny you should mention that Horace, well everybody else called him Horace, personally I thought horse would have fitted better, but maybe the Vicar who Christened him thought that was as close as he could get with out being offensive to the parents, "Well Horace" I said, "You now that little wood we pass on the way to work?"
Horace sits up and his eyes are peering at us, "Well" I said, "Funny things were happening in there, there were rustling noises and groans, and creaking noises," Horace is gripping his straw mattress and starting to drool, "Yea an' then wot"? whereupon Jock piped up, "It was on'y two trees get'n nawted, yu twit."
Horace came back with, "Ah didn't naw trees did that" Somebody else said,"Horace, have a lie down mate you'll feel better in the morning, "Naw ah wan't ta naw abaht thay trees, cos ah did'nt naw they did tha',
"Go ti sleep yu dawsy bugger" Somebody snarled, and someone queeried "How did he get in the Army"? and someone else replied "e won't have any trouble getting aht".
And someone else added "He should live that long"
Then somebody started the ball rolling with. "There was a young man from Kent" etc, and I must have dozed off because it only seemed like half and hour and, "Aufstehen mien herren" "Oh, Gawd it's work time agin'.
So off we trudged to work, and we riddled and piddled, and we got some more of that Frog mint tea, and we riddled and piddled some more until thankfully it was time to go home, well back to the barn.
Sunday came and we washed our clothes, the sun was shining and I thought yes a nice day, why could it not have been like this when we got out that night ell there's alway another day, also I was a bit surprised no one else seemed interested in escaping but then after giving it a bit of thought some were married and wanted to play it safe, some just had no guts and others just could not be bothered one way or the other, Maybe Jock and I were the only two that needed a visit to the shrink any way we were going to try again come Thursday, but this time we were not going to mess about with drying food, we would get out and play it by ear after that.
I was sitting out side in the sun and day dreaming when the Guard came out and queeried, "Nah younger, was machen sie den" (Now boy, what are you doing?") to which I replied, "Tag traumen nur" (Only day dreaming,) "Ya,ya," smiled the Guard and he disappeared inside.
Well I thought, at least we are on speaking terms again.
After that the Guard was his amiable self again. One night we were joking after we had eaten, some body was telling a yarn, and suddenly in the far distance I could hear thud, thud, thud-thud, thud, thud. "That's bombing" I said, and everybody clammed up, and now because it was so quiet there it was again, then a new noise joined in and it sounded like ack ack guns, "Somebody's copping it" said a voice.
We must have listened to it for about quarter of an hour or more before it was all quiet again.
Somebody broke the tension with "I wus a choir boy wunce"and another chipped in "I bet you kept trippin' over your surplus," Then another voice joined in, "Did yer 'ere abaht the free dwarfs" etc etc until finally all was quiet and the Guard sat in silence by the stove, along way off a dog barked briefly.
About half an hour later the Guard got up had a quick perv round, put out the light and silently edged to the passage where the gloom swallowed him up, a shaft of light at the end of the passage, then it too was gone.
During the night somebody startled us all awake, shouting and sobbing he was jabbing with an imaginary rifle and bayonet at an imaginary foe, "Grab im Dicko" then the Guard was there with his rifle, "For Christ sake yu stupid bugger don't you go near im, go away, and leave us alone, the Guard didn't need to understand English I think his own common sense told him not to interfere finally we got the bloke fully awake and he looked round, "What? is it work time all ready? The Guard who had stayed in the shadows of the passage now came out minus his rifle, then he surprised us all, he dug into his pocket and came out with a hip flask, unscrewing the cap he filled it with schnapps and offered it to the bloke who drank it down and grimaced, the Guard smiling took the cap and screwed it back on and put the flask back in his pocket, "Schlafen sie yetz ya"? (sleep now yes?) Then he made for the passage way and disappeared .
I was awake for a long time and I could hear the rain coming from about half a mile away, at first I heard it way off in the distance, a sound like somebody pouring rice into a wooden tub then as it came nearer you could hear it was rain, and did it rain, when it was time to get up the Guard came in and said to me "Kine arbite heuter" (no work today) then pointing out of the window, "Raigen der gansen tag"
( It was going to rain all day)."Bloody good" said one of our blokes, I can do with a day off.
But after we had played Pontoon and three card Brag, and find the Lady, no, we didn't go round groping but I had a sneaking suspicion we weren't far off that stage if we were kept locked up like this much longer.
I found my self looking out of the window, elbows on the sill, chin resting in my hands, and I was miles away, the rain was running down the window pane and puddles had formed out side, inside it was warm and dry and I would have given a million pounds just then to walk through our front door at home.
My reverie was interrupted by a couple of ducks, I don't know where they came from but they waddled into one of the pools of water that had formed outside the window and were having a good romp or bath or what ever it was that ducks do in rain water pools just outside a window where a load of blokes are locked in, flap, flap, quack, quack, look at us, we're free.
The next day was beautiful, blue sky fluffy clouds and way up high there were vapour trails and lots of them from very high flying four engine American bomber planes.
But it was good to get out and when we got to work everything seemed to be back to normal. One of our blokes strayed over to the shed with the farm machinery in it and you could see him thinking as he looked up at the building hoping perhaps if he really concentrated a red light might appear, "Half yer luck Fred, watch out fer that bleedin' dog e' likes bones"
Thursday came round again and Jock was raring to go, this time we didn't mess around with a broom and coat but we took precautions, like making sure the Guard was in his room.
We got out of the window, no problems, it was dark but we could see the odd star so there was some cloud floating around and with ears listening for different noises we walked quickly up the lane towards the farm and the Frog bikes. If we could get out of the immediate area and lie low somewhere near a farm then move on quickly to the next, at night you can burrow into a hay stack where it is warm and dry, anyway first things first.
We got to the farm and there in the dim star light were the two bikes leaning against the shed, very quietly we started to wheel them when I discovered the tyres were flat on both bikes and the valves were gone, so had the pump, "Quick put them back" I whispered, Jock was angry, "All this way fer nothin' he snarled, then he put the bike back and so did I, "Ahm away" he whispered, I whispered back to him urgently "Don't be daft man, you will be caught tomorrow but if we go back now no one be any the wiser an if we bide our time some thing else could turn up, be patient" "Aye ok yer reicht" said Jock "Soary but yur reicht, c'mon let's awa"
We got back with out mishap, and when we got nearer to the barn we laid on the grass and listened just to make sure no one was about, all was still, so very quietly we climbed back in and checked through the curtains to make sure the Guard wasn't by the stove, so silently we got back to our straw bed and thankfully collapsed.
In the morning the two blokes covering for us said no one but them knew we had gone, and I thought later it was maybe as well because if a lot had got out it could have got a bit out of hand. We decided to wait and see what turned up in the future but before next Thursday came round we were returned to the main camp.
And suprise, suprise, we got moved again and we kept moving for ever it seemed, but marching eventually we got to another camp, we were halted then counted through the main gate once inside another Guard counted us so many to a hut where we settled down wondering what was coming next. A lot were too tired to be bothered with questions and answers and just fell asleep, then a triangle rattled and somebody said grub up, and guess what, pig swill again.
In the morning we were paraded and a Guard who was the spitting image of dopy in Snowhite and the seven snakes came bumping out of the Guard room, as he walked the rifle which was slung over his shoulder kept bumping on the ground, left bump, right bump, then somebody started to whistle the blue danube and somebody said "Tread on that Dicko" "Somebody has left the lavatory door open"
This brought forth a gust of laughter from the parade, and the Jerry Sergeant didn't think it was all that funny even though he knew no English he knew we were taking the mick and he started screaming abuse at us.
We quickly realised this was not Stalag 303 Teltow any more, these were not your average German Gentlemen, and it looked like we would have to tread softly again. "
"Any of you people who have worked on a building site fall in on the left here, also bricklayers, plasterers, painters on the left here and give your number to the Guard at the table.
I knew nothing about bricklaying but I put my hand up anyway and moved over to the table where a Jerry was seated writing in a school exercise book and without looking up he continued writing but held out his hand, "Nummer" he asked ( Your Number)
I replied, Twelve two four four" whereupon he looked up and quick as a flash his hand darted out to grab the number plate hanging round my neck and he tried to pull me down so he could read the number but I stayed put, I was not about to bow to any Kraut back stud he let go and started screaming the odds a Jerry Sergeant came running but by this time I had taken off the number plate and put it on the table, "Was ist mit Ihr lose"? he queeried looking at me angrily (what is wrong with you) and I replie,"Garnicht Herr Feldwabel" mien nummer ist auf den tish ( nothing my number is on the table) and I added "Er ist krank"(he is sick) the bloke at the table nearly blew up as he handed back my number plate and told me to put it back round my neck, then he pushed me to make room for the next bloke, I thought yep you are truly in the soup, so to speak, just watch it.
I did watch it too these Jerries were just itching for a bloke to put a foot wrong.
On one job a Guard was driving a horse and wagon, a flat tray type wagon and he stopped in the gate way and one of our blokes went to push through between the cart and the corner of the brick building and as he got half way the Jerry made the horse move forward and because the cart was at an angle the movement trapped and crushed the unfortunate bloke and ribs punctured his lungs, we could not prove anything but it didn't matter if we could because nothing came of it, but we swore if given the chance that back stud would not see the end of the war.
On a brighter note we would work all morning then half hour break for lunch, I was a bit surprised but there we were sitting at a table with these French blokes and in the middle of the table was a big plate with boiled potatoes in their jackets, some cheese and bread, man this was the way to go.
The only thing that spoilt it was the weather it was bitterly cold also one of the Guards was keeping an eye on me and one of our blokes said to me one day "You're not a brickie are you" and I said "No, but don't tell them" and he said I think that Guard knows and he's been watching you and you have left out a lot of keying in bricks.
The next day the Guard singled me out and I was taken off that commando. But I was put on another one also to do with building but on this job I had to carry bricks in a hod and mix mortar, also gone was the midday break and the feed. The time spent in this camp is not only difficult to remember but what I can recall is, it was a misery hole. It was always cold at night and dogs were always either barking or wailing or sniffing under the boards. The days were not so bad because one could work and get warm the only trouble was, on less food and no RC parcels we were all losing weight rapidly, I could touch my mid finger with my thumb round the fat part of my arm, and when anybody got out we did not see them again, I would like to think they made it or if caught went to another camp.
This was just one monotonous day after another and I was glad when somebody said there is a roumer we are moving. There were so many miserable days in that camp my mind chooses to forget. There were some tall chimneys in the distance and if the wind blew our way there was always an unpleasant smell.
We marched out of the gate of Stalag 404 and no one had a clue where we were going, somebody said we were going to a big camp near Colditz, "S**t" somebody remarked, "You don't get out of Colditz in a hurry".
The march was just one monotonous day after another and the Guards rode in trucks, sometimes one would walk just for the exercise and sometimes we would notice one of the Guards pointing at some body and nudging his mate then they would have a laugh at somebody limping along, one of our blokes snarled "Come dark an' i'm gone" he could not have been more wrong.
When it got dark the truck up front had search lights on it and they looked backwards over the column, it also had twin machine guns mounted on the back and at the rear of the column was the same set up except the lights were directed forward also Lighting up the struggling pathetic column.
We marched through the night and through the next day, ten minutes rest every hour, then back on to feet that were throbbing and those first few steps were agony, soon some were walking in their bare feet and when the ten minute rest came up they found the soles of their feet were just a red pulp, it got to be afternoon and it was sunny and warm and one of our blokes carrying a piano accordion said, " Stuff it I can't take any more of this" but a bloke I was mates with used to do weight lifting and he was also in the Argylls said, "Ere give it ere" and grabbed the piano accordion and slung it over his shoulder, "I wouldn't give them back studs the satisfaction" he growled and a Jerry guard who looked more like a hungry four foot ferret than a man gave him a shove and shouted, " Halt die munde und marsh".
(Shut up and March)
The little runt German Guard did it again and five minutes later he did it again but the big bloke took no notice just trudged on and wasn't lagging so we knew the next time the little Jerry Guard came up behind him and gave him another push it was the little bloke abusing his authority as a Guard and he was deriving great satisfaction in taking it out on somebody a lot bigger than himself for a change safe in the knowledge the big bloke could not retaliate, so he did it again, but even a steel bar has its limits and when the little Guard shoved again the big bloke turned and in so doing added momentum to the sizzling right hook he swung at the Jerry'
It sounded like a meat axe chopping into a carcass as the big fist slammed into the side of the Guards head below his steel helmet and the Guard flew two yards before hitting the ground then slid on the road until the grass verge stopped the slide.
We cheered then there was a bang and looking from the still Guard to where the bang came from we were just in time to see the big bloke sink to the ground, for a second or two all was still then the German Officer who had shot the big bloke through the back of the head from behind started blowing a whistle like they have at footy matches and before we could gather our wits there were Guards everywhere.
I was not slow in noticing the pattern the Germans had a habit of using when killing someone even when the opponent was unarmed, so I was always wary of a German walking up behind me armed or not.
Suddenly the truck with the two machine guns was there, it had quickly come up the side of the column and was on the grass verge menacing the crowd who were round the big bloke, two Guards picked up the knocked out Jerry (I hoped his neck was broken) and the Officer made two of our blokes drag the now dead big bloke the side of the road and he was left there.
One wondered what would happen next as the tension at this point because of the murder just witnessed by our blokes was electric and it was touch and go as Guards and Prisoners glared at each other on the road way.
The German Officer then motioned with his pistol and snarled at us "Lose, Marsh" and it was touch and go until the Officer put his pistol to the head of another prisoner near him and repeated, "Lose Marsh" and we marched and the truck stayed put until the end of the column had passed it then it tucked itself behind the column again and crawled along behind ever watchful, and looking back all that could be seen was a mound in the grass with a khaki over coat over it.
In the distance it looked like a fort you see in western movies and as we got closer and closer we could see over the gate STALAG 4B MULEBERG.
Thank God at last we could stop walking.
We staggered through the gate and once the column was inside we were halted and counted off to huts that were either side of the road. Once inside we got a bunk and put our meagre gear on it then we were told to get ready for the showers, we were led by this jerry down the side of the block to what appeared to be an ablutions centre, we went in and stripped and I was under this torrent of water and it was terrific, clean at last.
Then I noticed a bloke who was sideling up to bathers and talking and heads were shaken and I thought maybe we have a queer amongst us so I grabbed my towel or what passed as a towel and got ready to give him a nutty flick, it can be very painful properly delivered, however when he got to me he said, "My name is Tenny, Harry Tenny" I said that's nice, " What's your problem"? "Well" he said, and I said, "You won't get any wishes here"
"No you don't understand" I'm R.A.F. and I want to swap places with somebody who goes out on work parties, nobody seems to be interested, you see anyone in the R.A.F. can't get out of the camp, and this is a good way to start, by going out on a work commando."
"You want your head looking at" I told him, " It's not that easy, what do you think I've been doing this last two years"
But he replied with "They are forming up out side all we need do is swap jackets and number disks", I thought what the hell in for a penny etc.
We swapped and agreed any mail that came was private and would be smuggled to each other when possible, parcels would be kept so if I got a parcel from home Tenny got to keep it and viccy virca.
Then the fun started or I thought it was going to be, I ran out and joined the RAF blokes outside and just in time because a Guard came and told us to fall in, he then counted us and marched us off to another hut. So it was here I got clued in as to what was happening.
Tenny had explained to his mates what he was doing so I was not exactly a total stranger to them, they on the other hand were a little stand offish to begin with, well I could have been a Jerry stooge.
The bunks were three bunks high, bottom bunk, middle bunk, and top bunk I got a middle bunk, these blokes were totally different to the mob I had spent the last two years with because they were Sergeants and upward but I think most Officer types were sent to an Offlag or camp for Officers.
One day this bloke comes over and sits on my bunk and asked what was my mothers name, and I told him it was Annie (it actually was) but since Annie was also Tenny's mother's name I was in the clear and by this time I realized they were having a go at me and as some one said later " Got to keep you on your toes old thing , what"? to which I replied, " Make sure nobody catches you touching yours," somebody at the other end of the hut was shouting Tenny where is Tenny and I shouted back "Here" and "What is it ?"
"Oh it's ok old boy just checking!" this lasted for a week but I was grateful to those blokes, there were times when I almost boobed.
And I actually finally became Tenny.
Two bunks away on the top bunk was this tall bloke with a mop of sandy hair and a moustache, flying Officer Kite type moustache he was reading a Zane Grey western story when a bloke who was walking by suddenly stopped in mid stride and said "Good lord, Hawky, how are you old boy" and turning to a bloke nearby "I didn't know you had Hawsley Hill in this barracks" and Hawsley Hill sounding very bored turned on his other side and continued reading and muttering "Gawd, who left your bladdy cage door open", And the bloke continued with "When we get back Hawky don't forget you owe me a tenner" Hawky pretended to snore.
We had a picture on the wall it was about three feet square and it was painted by a bloke by the name of Coulson and it was similar to what the Yanks had on their bombers, girls that were all legs and tight blouses.
Some one requested it be taken down because of the racket that started as soon as it was lights out.
But we learned later on the other side was a map and as soon as Jerry locked the door at night out would come the pins and we would trace where the Yanks were and where the Russians were, before bed all pins were removed and the sexy picture would be turned face out again to the delight of the more depraved.
Jiggerling during the day one would boil a tin of water and if one had an agreement with another bod he would also boil a tin of water then one of you would jiggle a tea bag so many times in one tin then so many times in the other tin and you would save this tea bag until it no longer coloured the water then it was the other blokes turn to supply a tea bag and so on.
Bread, it was incredible some of the systems they cooked up to make sure no one got a crumb more that somebody else, I saw the bread issue measured, weighed, sighted along, tapped to make sure there were no air pockets in it, put on a seesaw in case one end was heavier than the other then when it was cut into rations about the size and thickness of ones hand then a playing card was put on each bit of bread and a pack of cards would be shuffled and cut then each man took a card off the top of the deck and looked for the bit of bread that had the matching card.
The whole charade looked ridicules but it worked.
The stove system was unique, it was built of bricks to about three feet high and it was five feet wide and eight feet long it had a door at one end to push fuel (wood) into and a quarter inch thick iron plate built in. On this iron plate which would ret red hot in the middle we would push our tins to boil or fry or cook and if a tin boiled some one would look at the tag attached to said tin and holler the number "Number five tin boiling, and number twelve, then if no one came to clam the tins or tin it would be put to the outside of the group of tins and slowly it would work its way to the middle again.
One day some clot got a tin of Irish stew from a RC parcel and put it on the stove well he hadn't punctured it and when it exploded with a mighty bang it scattered other tins and some bods got burns and we had to get ladders to scrape it off the ceiling before it began to stink.
Cries of "What clot forgot to puncture his pot"? and "bladdy idiot" and another idiot pointing and mouthing, "Wizard prang old boy" another was "How stupid can you get, the victim, being up the ladder doing his best to remove what was left of his irish stew from the ceiling was of course the center of attention and had to endure this ribaldry until finally he came down and sulked off to his bunk.
Grabbing a book from under his pillow he settled down to read content in the knowledge that stew would soon be in the offing from Jerry, and with a muttered "Stuff 'em" he got engrossed in his book.
Stew was issued, actually it was a change, it was sauerkraute, a kind of cabbage pickled in vinegar, I didn't mind it I was glad of the change from the everlasting spud.
Then one bloke comes over and said, "May I sit down"?, I said, "Certainly, what are you flogging?"
"No, it's nothing like that he said," and I said "Nothing like what" and he replied testily "Christ your edgy" and I said," If I was Christ I wouldn't be here to start with and I'm always edgy, now what do you want?"
He said, "One of the blokes told me you speak German, you are the bloke who swapped with Tenny,?" The hair on the back of my neck began to stand up," What bloke?" I said "I'm Tenny, and I haven't swapped anything with anybody, now bugger off before I plant you."
"O k, keep you're hair on but if you do speak German it would come in handy for some of our blokes who are thinking about getting out from one time or another, would you be prepared to teach some of our blokes German so they will have a better chance of escaping?"
I flatly refused because the last thing I needed was to draw attention to myself.
After he had gone a bloke with a pipe going came cruising across, some blokes walk a little hesitant and some boldy, if he is lucky enough to have had a bottle recently then he may stagger a little, but this bloke cruised, reminded me of one of those Stephen Foster paddle steamers on the Missisippi.
So with pipe going at flank speed ahead he cruised up to my bunk and putting every thing in full reverse he slowed to a stop, the only thing missing was the bells ringing on the ship's telegraph, then he took the pipe out and said, "Trouble with these God awful things they make you're eyes water if the wind's wrong,"
"Why do you smoke the God awful thing then"? I queried,
" Ha, ha, jolly good" he quaffed, "Well old boy actually it's for appearances that's all," and lowering his voice, "Actually I came to tell you good show about Tenny what!" and I said "I don't know what this is all about but I'm Tenny and you're the second bloke today," "No it's ok old chap we know Tenny and if it's any consolation you can rely on us to back you up, we had to run a check on you as soon as you came here, let's face it old man you could have been a Jerry ferret, what"?
Well I suppose he was right, I could have been.
And I finished the debate with "I know who you all are" (I didn't have a clue)" and you know I'm Tenny so everybody is happy" and with that I walked outside just in time to hear the Jerry whistles and yelling, "Lose appel".
We all got outside and fell in for roll call but instead of counting us off this time the Jerry Guards motioned us to a building where trestle tables had been set up and there were four Officers checking papers so we were formed into A an B queues and C and D and so on, I thought well here goes nothin', I also noted the extra Jerry Guards round the room and they did not have rifles they had auto pistols.
Of course they were looking for me of this I was sure, somebody has tipped them off, Tenny has been caught and tortured.
Now they would give me a going over, I was so busy thinking all this stuff when suddenly I am at the table and without blinking an eye I said "Tenny Harry" and gave my number plate for him to look at, then I almost fell over as he turned the page and there was Tenny's picture looking up at me, and I thought if he winks I'm dreaming, but I wasn't dreaming and the Officer said with a bored voice, "Lose weiter machen" ( Carry on,) so I left and I could not believe it, back in the barrack room I heard a voice say "Whose the lucky boy then" and another voice said, "Pack it in chaps, don't push your luck, that could have been a sticky situation and I think Tenny handled it very well."
It appeared the Germans were looking for some free French blokes who had been doing a bit of blowing up and Jerry was not a bit chuffed to learn they could be hiding in our camp.
The Bosch were very thorough in that direction and if they got an idea they acted on it immediately.
Hawksley Hill was laid on his back he had a pillow under his head and from his lofty perch on the top bunk he waved a glossy magazine, "Would you look at those he chortled, indicating a picture of a girl with what looked like two foot balls stuck up her blouse, "Not exactly moth balls would you say," and someone answered with "It would have to be a bladdy big moth" and someone else joined in with "Yea big as a Lanc bomber, Hawksley turned the page this way and that way and held it at different angles finally he burst out with, "Gawd!, it says here she is changing her sex," Somebody said, "Your joking!, with a body like that, what a waste, Hawk said "Says here she would like to write a book and somebody said " I know a good title, "From knickers to knackers or why be a c**t all your life and at this there was a roar of laughter.
I was over by the wire one day and this column of dishevelled pitifully thin figures came shambling by then I was joined by another of our blokes and he grunted" Russians, poor back studs" and just then a cart came out of an alley and it was full of trash and potato peelings and the Russians were all over it like a rash and shoving potato peelings into their mouths and flinging more off so others could get some.
But soon there were Guards there kicking and fisting and one had a pick handle and he was laying about him with gusto soon there were Russians laying knocked out or dead, then came the Blondie Guard he pulled out a pistol and would shoot to cripple, in the elbow or the knee, he never missed a chance to make their life even more unbearable.
Let's face it, one can be crawling with lice, and are already starving to death, can't remember when the last shower was, not sure when there is going to be any more food, and getting some just prolongs the misery, so eventually one gets to the stage when one decides enough is enough and in our case we had a saying "If I've got to go I'm going to take one of them with me, or two, but chance would be a fine thing.
Trolling round the compound with this bloke I'd got pally with and suddenly he pointed into the sky and said "Good lord look at that" and high, so high that I could not see the planes, were vapour trails,.
We stopped and watched for a while then we could see little black dots half way down the black dots disappeared and a little later we heard the explosions and they really were giving Leipzig a pasting.
Jerry said we could use the concert hall and I strolled up there one day for a quick sticky beak and lo and behold there was the Lone Ranger complete with sombrero spurs and chaps and he had a mate dressed likewise.
And it turned out they where country western singers, and seeing as how that was one of my favourite hobbies we got talking and comparing notes. Then when they found out I was handy with my hands they asked me to make each of them a six shooter in a holster and ammo round the belt just like Tom Mix in the movies.
I did and it really finished off the outfits, we kept the six gun bit quiet until the opening night and when they walked onto the stage the Jerries who were sitting in the front row suddenly got very nervous when they spotted the six shooters, well they could see the highly polished butts sticking out of the top of the holsters and they had a whispered confab with the Commandant who got up and asked to see one of the pistols, he had a good laugh when the bloke pulled out the butt only and handed it to him and when he saw it was made of wood and blacked with boot polish he said, "Ach du lieber unglaublich!" (unbeleivabl).
" The pistols looked so real from down there." But Jerry never left anything to chance.
Next we had a comedian, and most of his jokes were from the ark, probably Noah wrote them.
I did a bit of trading and got some paints, I think they were water colours, only because I can't remember having any varnish or turps, and because Jerry was a bit funny about inflammable liquids.
I set to and painted the battle of Sidi Barrani from a personal point of view it was about three foot by three foot and when it was finished I hung it on the wall and a group of bods used it as a dart board.
Just across the room another bloke was painting a Lancaster Bomber and his name was Coulson.
Our son Richard came to see us one day in 1995 and said to me "I've brought you a picture for your bedroom Dad" and would you believe it, I watched Coulson paint the original on the table opposite my bunk in 1943 in the POW camp.
My estimation of better educated young men took a steep dive the day one of them bought a cat from a Jerry Guard.
It appeared a group of our young gallants had clubbed together to get this cat and I knew nothing of it until this particular day I went into the wash-house to shave and this group came in with this pet cat.
The first thing that came to mind was 'That is nice, some bloke has got himself a pet'.
But then they filled a trough and dunked the cat under, and as soon as the cat got over the initial shock it started clawing, and soon one of our hero's had scratches on his arms and chest and reluctantly he had to let go but before the cat could get out another young valiant dunked it under and held it long enough to stupefy it and thinking it was dead because it had stopped struggling, another nerd took out a pen knife and started to skin it well he didn't actually get started because the cat woke up as the blade touched the cat's skin and suddenly the bloke got a hefty raking along his arms as all four of the cats feet each armed with five needle sharp claws.
Then the cat dug it's claws in and hung on to the bloke's arm and repeatedly savaged the bloke's hand
with it needle like teeth and I got the impression it was trying to chew his thumb off while the bloke is now screaming, "Get it off me!" and beating at the cat with his free hand.
Another bloke grabbed the blokes fingers and pushed the whole arm with the still chewing cat attached under the water in the now full wash trough, and bubbles from the cat's mouth together with blood from the bloke arm and badly chewed thumb began to surface.
The cat suddenly let go so it could surface and get air and was out of the trough and running.
The cat bolted but it could not get out because someone had closed the door and when I think back about it I often wish I'd been more awake but this all happened so fast I didn't get a chance to open the door, however our brave band of hero's soon had it cornered and one of them had wrapped a towel round his hand and arm and grabbed the now spitting snarling cat by it's hind legs and while it was trying to claw him through the towel he swung his arm with the cat attached against the concrete upright of the wash trough and smashed its head with such a thud it had to be dead now, however with blood now showing on it's fur the cat still showed signs of fight so the bloke hit it against the wash trough a second time but this time he swiftly pushed its head under the water in the trough and waited till there were no more bubbles coming to the surface.
Another bloke who had been minding his own business till now said " I bet you feel real big men now, five blokes to kill a cat, for what? even an animal kills for a reason, and don't use the excuse your hungry you haven't been here five minutes, some of us blokes have been here four years".
"You people give me the runs, I agree the Jerry rations are inadequate, but you get food from the Red Cross, you are not at the starving stage by a long shot, some of you haven't been here long enough to generate a fart yet, why don't you grow up?"
At this outburst one RAF bod said, "Seeing as how it's none of your business old sport I suggest you keep your nose out of it".
And with that they took their kill and went to the other end of the washroom.
Then their voices could be heard, "Well I think it was a good idea, after all we are short of protein, and if we are going to make a break for it, we will need all the help we can get.
Then to cap it off the same voice that evening was heard to say, "I'm comfy here till the end of the war, anyone want to offer me any advance on five cigs for this delicious rabbit leg?"
The next day there were vapour trails high in the sky more often and according to our map the Russians were advancing and we were getting a bit on edge, and wagging tongues were saying that Hitler had given the order for all POW to be shot if the Russians got too close.
We would cheer when we heard some place or other had fallen, then the advance would bog down and soon all the revelry died down as well and boredom would set in again.
Then the Yanks would take a town or whatever and it was on again.
One day an Aircraft came out of the blue, it was a long range fighter, and somebody recognised it as an American Mustang long range escort fighter, all the blokes in the compound who were playing football with a bundle of old rags tied with string as a ball, but they stopped to watch it as it swooped over the camp with a tremendous roar and a climb you wouldn't believe, at the top of the climb it just lazily rolled over and pointed it's nose at the footy compound were all the blokes were stood with mouths agape, suddenly somebody screamed, "S**t! look out… he is attacking! take cover take cover".
To the left of the footy compound were the ablutions, these were double brick buildings with the usual door and two windows and everybody raced toward this building and got it between themselves and the now diving plane that was screaming down and suddenly it looked like he had a row of kids sparklers flickering on the front edge of his wings and just as sudden bits of brick were being chipped away and dust was being kicked up as bullets( 505 cal)(about the size of a thumb) were thudding into the ground.
He passed over with a roar and did another steep climb then dived on us again, all the time the blokes in the compound were jockeying for position keeping him at the other side of the building, suddenly we noticed a goods train and the train driver had seen the aircraft and was desperately trying to make it to some woods and cover that was only quarter of a mile from us so we had a ring side seat so to speak.
The train was chuffing like mad and the pilot of the plane must have thought this was a more positive target so with a flick of the wings he changed course and screamed down on the train and soon bits were flying off the train.
We could hear bullets ricocheting as they hit metal then one of the wagons erupted like a giant fire cracker, it must have had ammo in it, flames were leaping out of other wagons and then the Pilot of the fighter concentrated on the engine and two little figures jumped out and ran for the woods, suddenly there was this almighty cloud of steam bursting from the engine and slowly the train came to a halt. Meanwhile some bright spark had been busy and he had acquired a bucket of white wash and was on the roof of one of the barracks painting 'POW' on the roof in big letters, "Now that's what I call using you loaf" someone casually remarked.
Then a bloke came out of the wash house and his face had blood on it, "Must ave cut mesen' shavin" he said when somebody pointed it out, "That don't look like no bleed'n' razor cut" said one concened onlooker, so when they had a perv into the wash house they found a .505 round had punched a hole through the first brick then knocked out the inside brick and carried on across the wash house brushed this blokes face just taking a bit of skin off and smashed a starry hole through the window, then the hunt was on everybody wanted that round as a souvenir
But we could not find it and one bloke suggested it would be too far down in the earth for us to dig for it.
But we had all agreed the bloke with the burn mark on his face should have had it to remind him how close to eternity he had been.
About a hundred yards away there was a hole where a light pole was to be erected, a group of blokes had been digging this hole and it was about six feet deep and about two by two feet across, when the plane had finally gone I counted five blokes getting out of this hole, and I suddenly saw the humour of the situation Jerry has ferrets so why couldn't we have moles.
Sadly one of our blokes was killed out right and another wounded, two Jerry guards were also killed, they were on a detail taking out waste to bury in the nearby field and the vehicle used looked like a gun barrel, actually it was a very long wooden barrel used only for this one purpose, unfortunately our gung ho hero in the plane did not stop to ponder, it looked like a group of blokes pulling a gun from where he sat so he cannot be condemned for doing his job.
About two days later we were having a game of footy, it was a nice day and about two in the afternoon. some blokes were just sitting around watching the game, the ball by the way the usual bundle of rags wrapped round with string, one blokes gave it a hefty kick and it sailed through the wire and hit this little wood hut in this vegy patch and fell down in among the vegies, close by was a watch tower so we waved our arms and shouted to the Guard could we get our ball, the Guard waved ok get your ball so one of my mates who I had known from Stirling castle Aldershot, Palestine, Ciaro, the desert and Crete, got on hands and knees and putting his arm through the wire began inching the ball along so he could grasp it, mean while the Guard in the tower was watching him, and then a window in the little wooden hut opened and the blond headed guard was suddenly leaning out of it and he had a Luger pistol in his hand and putting it to the back of my mates head pulled the trigger, the shot crashed out and for seconds we could not believe what we had seen, then a mighty roar went up as about sixty blokes run toward the shed and tried to climb the wire.
About a dozen blokes were climbing the wire and others were rocking the supports when suddenly all was pandemonium as whistles where blown and the Guard in the tower swung the machine gun round to face into the camp, other Guards came running and suddenly a German Officer appeared and shouted to the men to get down off the wire, as they hesitated the Officer said he would count to three then give the order to fire if there was one man still on the wire, he got to two and everybody was off the wire.
The German Officer then went to a gate in the wire and walked through to the shed and looked in but it was empty, then he came back and asked some of us what did the Guard look like, and when we explained what had happened he said he would look into it, mean while somebody had gone to the camp hospital and got a mobile stretcher, it had bicycle wheels on it, two blokes lifted the body onto the stretcher and covered it over with a blanket, I had to watch all this and it was like a slow motion film.
The next day at roll call when the counting was finished instead of being dismissed we were told to line up into A and B groups and C and D groups and somebody said "oh,oh" they are looking for some body" so eventually we shuffled closer and closer to the door into the building and once inside it was a bit warmer then word flew back to us they are checking finger prints, and here and there along the walls were posted guards with machine pistols, when I thought no one was watching I would slip back a couple of blokes and I did this quit a few times so I was working my way back to the door, then I thought one of the Guards was watching me out of the corner of his eye so I stopped doing it and decided to bluff it out but a gut feeling told me it wasn't going to work this time.
I was third from the table when all of a sudden the air raid siren sounded, everybody scattered and the Guards were caught totally unawares didn't know whether to have a shine, crap, shave, or have a hair cut.
We were out of there and long gone and I suddenly realized I was wet through with sweat and the thudding was not bombs, it was my blood pump going like the clappers, I sat on my bunk for a long time then everybody dived under their beds as this whistling sound got louder and whump with a hell of a bang the bomb went off and there was another big thud, "S**t!" somebody warbled, "That bugger did'nt go off and it's in 'ere".
After the raid was over somebody discovered the clock I had made had fallen off the wall.
The vibration from the bomb that went off had slid the clock along the nail that held it and the weight of the clock bent the nail and the clock slid off.
By the way the clock weight was a bucket of concrete.
One day the door burst open and a load of Yanks came in and because it was winter they made straight for the stove and with cries of, "Oh boy heat" they started pushing through the crowd that were already at the stove, no manners the Yanks, most of our blokes thought the same, in fact one bloke voiced his opinion "Like bloody animals" he said.
And when one picked up a tin of tea belonging to one of our blokes and put it to his mouth to drink it the owner put his hand under it and tipped it up almost choking the thief, certainly wetting him all down his neck and shirt, if he had asked it would have been different, but he didn't.
It must have been a temporary stay because by lock up time they had all been moved to an enclosure of their own. So once more peace reigned, but for how long.
We kept watching the map on the wall, first the Russians would move up and stop, then the Yanks would move some more and the two forces gradually crept closer to one another.
There was a radio somewhere and no one knew where, but that was not important, the less who knew the safer it was, and some clever bod reasoned that if the radio was moved it would not be long before Jerry knew were it was, so instead the radio stayed put and the info was fed out, and the info was fed out with a bow and arrow, sounds daft but it's true, Jerry would lock us all in at night, shutters were put over the windows and the lights would go out about nine.
Dogs would be let loose in the compound and search lights would come on when least expected, but connecting each block was a brick wash house and toilets for use by the two barracks, and these had windows but no glass and Jerry did not have shutters on these windows so when it was about midnight a bloke with a bow and arrow would shoot the arrow into the next wash house which was about fifty feet away, if he missed he could retrieve the arrow and try again because tied to the arrow was some light string, also tied to the arrow was today's news.
When read it was passed on in like manner the last hut to get it would read and burn.
The last hut by the way was no 8, but this whole camp was so big because there was the French section, the Russian compound, the Brits compound, the RAF compound, a political prisoners compound, and these had to be seen to be believed.
The RAF compound had eight wash houses that meant sixteen huts. Then somebody sidled up to me and said, "Tenny's been caught", and walked away, I made straight for my bunk and sat there wondering what to do next.
Then the bloke with a pipe and grey hair came over and sat down, "You don't look too good old son" Then said quietly, "Just carry on as if nothing has happened and play it by ear, by the way Tenny was found sheltering from the rain in a shop door way in Berlin by a civvy copper," I couldn't believe any one could be that unlucky, but then when I stopped to think about it Templehof airport was near there, maybe he was going to nick a plane, I thought that would be right, landing just outside Rochdale the local brass band playing every body flinging garlands of flowers round his neck 'our hero'.
But the bloke was right don't panic. If Tenny kept his end up he would get the cooler and I was off the hook, if not then both of us could walk the plank. Wait and see. Tenny got the cooler.
About a week later I saw a Commando going out to work and lo and behold who was waving ta ta but Tenny, I waved back and thought, "Oh Gawd! here we go again."
There was a bloke, he was one of ours but I don't which mob he belonged to but he had got this Russian Cossack hat from somewhere it was snow white and he had on this black outfit with jackboots and spurs and he had been to a dentist in Berlin who at this blokes request had taken out a tooth slightly left of center, a perfectly good tooth, then paid the dentist extra to fit a gold tooth so now when he smiled the tooth winked at the observer.
Somebody passed a comment, "Gawd, now ah've seen everythin'". "'is oss gorraway didit"?." yew got any vodca mate"?. News time, it was just after twelve and in the dark somebody had been waiting behind the door and heard the rattle of the arrow as it hit the wash trough and straight away he dived in and got the paper off the arrow and gave the line a tug and the arrow quickly vanished over the window sill.
"Right blokes keep it down" was the plea of the reader, and watch the doors, everybody settled down and the bloke read out the news quietly, then he added for those who didn't hear get it off those who did and good night.
Always after we got some news wether it was good or bad there were always some people who would have done it different, so arguments were tossed about until finally no one cared any more and went to sleep.
Usually one would wake up to cans rattling or someone at the stove arguing his tin was there first, but what has happened to roll call? "hey there's no guard in the tower".
It was true there was no Guard on the tower and I ran to the front door and was just in time to see this woman on a pony, 'A woman Cossack' I did a second take and sure enough as she raced by a full gallop she had this long whip and was really living it up, it looked like a circus had hit town, she was wearing a leather jacket and crossed over her body were bandoliers of ammo, she also had a sword, and slung over her back was a carbine.
Bloke near me said with a grin, "Can you imagine her standing up in court and saying, "I wuz raped yer 'onour".
She dashed out of sight then there was a commotion over the fence in the Russian compound and we strained to see, then it dawned on me if there were in fact no Guards what the hell were we doing here, but then my attention was taken again, what was going on over there and now some of the blokes were moving over to the wire to see better.
I couldn't believe what was happening, the Russian prisoners had found the blond Guard hiding in one of the huts, so he'd been here all the time, he was being beaten and when he put his hands up to protect his face some one grabbed and held one arm and hacked at the hand at the wrist, when it was finally hacked off they grabbed the other one they treated it in like manner, then a rope was fastened round his feet and he was hauled up on to a lamp post, his head was about five feet from the ground, the blood by now had stopped spurting from the severed wrists and was dripping, and a Russian strode forward and I thought he was giving the upside down blond Guard a hug but when he stepped back he had severed the Guards head and he lifted it up for every one to see, then he tossed it to the side of the road and urinated on it.
And I thought those who live by the sword etc. I saw this poster and went over and read it,
"You are strongly advised to stay put until your people come to get you, Russian Soldiers do not recognise any uniform that is not Russian, therefore you will be fired upon if seen out of camps.
I went back to my bunk and the bloke in the next bunk saw that I was getting ready to take off.
"Where are you going" he asked"? I explained what I was doing, also that when Italy packed in the war the POW just sat and waited and finally the Germans came and picked them up.
" But that can't happen here" he said. I said, "If you want to wait and find out that's your choice.
" I'm gone", you know what could happen when the Russians get to Berlin and the Yanks get to Berlin. It happened in Italy it can happen in Berlin, I'm not going to wait for it to go one way or the other.
And I'm not going to spend another four in bloody Siberia I'm off, t'ra."
"Hang on i'm coming with you" he said and he hurriedly took only what was necessary, and when he paused I said "don't worry about shaving gear just roll a bit of soap in your flannel wrap it in your towel and stuff it in your pocket, pocket something you can eat and let get away from here " you need the towel and soap not just to wash but if you get hit, and if you want the toilet you should go, don't wait, because if you get hit it could make the difference whether you make it or not.
"You don't sound like RAF" he queried, and I said "I'm not, I'm a regular in the Argylls" I swapped ID with Tenny and I think its ironic, he's perhaps going to be working another three months in Germany and I'll be home, still that's life for you ain't it?"
I took a long last look at the sentry tower and we set off, now according to the map behind the picture of the pinup, the Elbe river is left of the camp so face in that direction and look to see where the sun is and we set off, we must have walked for an hour when we came upon the biggest rhubarb plant I had ever seen, suddenly shots rang out and we both ducked down into the rhubarb and very carefully I edged toward the crest of the rise and looked down into this village.
A Russian soldier came out of a shop and his arms were full of crockery and a bottle in his hand, as he reached the pavement he just opened his arms and all the crockery hit the pavement with a crash, as this was happening two soldiers had a woman between them and she was crying and as they crossed the street and steered the struggling woman to a house which they entered just to my left and almost level with me was a window with shutters and a woman suddenly leaned out to grab the shutters intending to close them I suppose, unfortunately for the woman a Russian Soldier across the street saw the movement and brought up his Tommy gun and as the woman was closing the shutters he stitched a pattern right across the window, she must have died instantly behind the shutters.
We kept well down and wriggled back out of sight of the village, then we walked some more until in the distance I recognised a group chatting and slapping each other on the back and I recognised one of our uniforms.
As we approached suddenly a Russian soldier took aim at us but one lad in khaki pushed up the gun and made signs we were on the same side. As we mooched around one of the Russians suddenly grabbed a half grown pig and with a razor sharp knife cut half of it's backside off, then let it go, and I thought immediately of a firework, "Light fuse and retire" that pig thought it's backside was on fire and the last we saw of it it was heading for the woods.
The Russian gave the sliced bit of backside to me and so not to offend him I took it and thanked him.
I didn't know it at the time but later on I found out that place was in fact Torgau where we were told, "There is nothing for you here so you had better head for the American lines.
And we did. The bloke with me made a small fire and grilled the meat.
I didn't want any so he ate the lot then later he got the runs and was sick.
We walked until we came to another village and there was no one around so we had a look into some of the houses that had open doors.
In one house there was a kettle on a stove boiling itself dry so I refilled it and put it back on the stove and in one of the cupboards I found a bottle of Camp coffee, the label had an Indian with a turban holding a bottle of Camp coffee across the top where it informed the user that chicory had been added.
I said to my friend "I wonder how long they have saved this for?"
He thought because of the dust on the bottle, maybe since the first war.
I wondered if it was safe to drink then I thought what the hell I'm sick of just water, there was also some evaporated milk unopened so we had a cup of coffee very strong and it was delicious.
We went out side and a flock of geese came by my mate grabbed one and tried to wring its neck but it was so big and powerful or he was so weak he finally had to let it go.
I thought it was just as well, we had to get going and we selected what might come in handy, like a box of matches and a jar of what looked like brawn in a jam jar with a sealed lid.
If we heard any signs of life we ducked out of sight among the big bunches of ferns and other plants until it was safe to come out. After we had been doing this for a while we eventually left the village behind and it was not long before we came to a river.
This has got to be the Elbe I suggested and we walked along the bank to find some means of getting across, my mate said, "Why don't we just swim across?" and I explained to him that if we attempted this we could get swept down stream and some Russians or Jerries could pot us from the bank, no we must cross here, so we kept walking along the bank until we came to a barge tied up to a post on the bank.
We could not find a small boat tied to it so I suggested, "We ought to go further and try again" and as we were leaving a Yank voice said "Hey bud, you want some fries"? we were taken completely by surprise, and I thought, "Barker, you are slipping, if that had been a Jerry with a gun you would have been long gone.
We went back on board and settled down to chips fried in a pan and as I was stuffing myself with chips I noticed the coal fire burning on the wooden floor of the barge and I looked at the Yank and said, "That's going to burn right through the bottom of the barge" to which with a sick grin he replied, " Now aint that a cryin' shame" but we ain't gonna to watch it, we just gonna finish these, and holding up a long chip he inspected it from all angles before chomping down on it narrowly missing his fingers, "an' then we're gone".
Having finished the chips I waited for the others to finish theirs and meanwhile I had a look round the barge, it was a bit like the ones people live in on Manchester ship canal, long and narrow it was beautifully painted, more like a gipsy caravan, and I thought what a shame to burn or leave to burn some thing like this, but as the Yank said "It's a Jerry, burn it".
We had boarded the boat from the landward side but we left it on the other side and jumped into this small rowing boat that had been hidden from the bank, one of the Yanks said "shute, there's only one oar" the other said, "Now what, how do we get across Olly?" and I said, "Skull with one oar," the Yank looked and queried, "Can you do that" I said, "I did back home in the river when I was a kid, come on, but you are going to have to help, grab a long bit of flat wood each and paddle like your life depends on it, if we start to drift down river we'll be like those pot ducks you see in the shooting booth at the fairground."
We pushed away from the side of the barge and straight away the current got the boat but with me at the back skulling like mad and the others paddling with their bits of wood and sometimes missing so that we would be drenched with water a few times but gradually they got better and we were keeping the little boat level with the opposite bank which now was getting closer and my hands were getting sore but we persevered until finally we could reach out and grab at weeds growing on the bank.
Thankfully we all got out and now we had to get our bearings, we let the boat go and it swiftly disappeared down river, we then set off and walked a couple of miles when we came upon a group of houses, going to the nearest house I knocked on the door and I saw the curtain move so I knocked again and after a little wait the door opened and this middle aged lady appeared, " Bitte entschuldigung, aber wo ist die burgermiester" (please exuse me but were is the mayor.) I asked her, and in good English she replied "I worked in a hospital in Birmingham before the war" and we don't have anyone in charge here but if I were you I would go over to that shed and you will find lots of hay in there bury into it in case some one comes and I will bring you some thing to eat and drink but keep quiet because I have seen SS moving about in those woods over there and she nodded with her head towards the woods about half a mile away, then she asked, "Which camp are you from"?
Suddenly I was wary again. But we got settled into the shed and decided we would stay the night and the others didn't have a clue so I said ok we split up the watch, "I aint doin' no watchin"' said one Yank, but the other Yank said, "No the guy's right we get caught we get dead, ok " to me he said "ok so what"? and I said, "We can get caught just as easy outside as in here but in here we are warm in the hay, we need sleep, and we are out of the rain, now if that woman is genuine all we have to do is make it to morning, we do an hour each, but one of us at all times must keep watch to ensure no one creeps up on this shack," then the bloke who was peering through a crack in the door whispered, "That broad's coming", and when she arrived she said, "Don't come out, you don't know who is watching and I always come with this bucket for fire wood, so she stepped into the shed and in the bucket were some sandwiches and a pot of tea, and I mean real tea.
She then piled sticks of wood into the bucket making sure they could be seen sticking out of the top and backing out she closed the door and our bloke on the door said she has gone in now and closed the door.
It was nice and warm and it was not long before I was trying to keep my eyes open, suddenly one of the Yanks said, "Listen, that is a Jeep engine" and sure enough as I peeped through the crack in the door I could see the Jeep in the distance coming along the dirt road.
One of the Yanks made to go out but I held the door tight, "Wait" I said, "They could be Germans" but the Yank was heavier than me and he pushed me out of the way and ran toward the jeep, two figures in the back sprang to their feet and trained guns on the running Yank, the Jeep stopped and the Yank was showing his dog tags and motioning toward us, we also had come out and the woman came out of her house, the bloke in charge of the Jeep said, "We'll take our two boys but you two will have to make you're own way back to our lines, here take this to keep you going till you get there" and with that he threw us a K ration pack each and roared off in the jeep.
We got back into the hay and went straight off to sleep but I made sure we were at the back of the shed so if any one came in and started sticking sharp things into the hay the would not reach us .
In the morning we went over to the house and thanked the lady and she flushed with pleasure, "May we use you're pump" and as we washed she brought out a towel and a little packet of sandwiches each as we washed up.
Take the towels and use them when you wash in a stream or pond and good luck.
We said our thanks and good byes and set off through the wood. We had been going for about an hour when I spotted a bike, it was like the bikes coppers at home used to ride, tall frame, carrier on the back back step at the back axle, three speed, I looked up to heaven and said, "Thanks" but I think he was out for the day.
Anyway I looked around and there he was, this bloke was mowing the clover in the field and since he was eight hundred yards away, he would have a lot of catching up to do.
As I got hold of the byke the RAF bloke looked a bit shocked, "Your not going to pinch the blokes bike", I said, "Just watch me" and "Look, we are in Germany and that bike will help to get us out of Germany and the bloke who owns the bike is a German, his vote probably put Hitler in charge of Germany, but if you want to walk ok, But I'm off and getting onto the bike I was about to push off when he said, "I suppose your right" but I can't stand on that thing, "Pointing to the step, so I said "ok you get on the front and pedal and I'll get on the step."
We did it this way and we went for miles and he pedalled along at a leisurely pace and I stood with one foot on the step and the other leg kneeling on the carrier behind the seat, I bet when that bloke finished reaping in the field he would blow his top.
"Weers' me bike" "shizerund donner wetter noch mal!"
Well it had to happen and the bike had no pump, and because of the extra weight on the back wheel when matey ran over the roots of a tree sticking up in the road the back tyre got pinched and went flat.
From then on it was too painful on the knee to continue so we slung the bike and walked, and up ahead was a bend in the road and just as I heard the sound of engines it was too late to dive to the side of the road because they had already seen us and a forest of guns swung our way and we put up our hands and the motorized column stopped and we were beckoned to advance.
As we got nearer we could make out they were Yanks and maybe a couple of our blokes, they wanted to know what we were doing here and I explained we had just got out of Salag 4B .
"OK but watch it there are still armed SS in these woods and if you follow this road where we have just come along it will take you to an air strip and you go there and stay put ok?"
I said "Ok and thanks," then he threw down two K rations, "See you aroud bud" then banged on the top of the lid and with a roar off they went, we had gone quarter of a mile and I noticed the RAF bloke looking at me kind of funny and I thought what eating him now when he suddenly burst out with, "Your really with it Barker, without maps and using your head you have got us back, I wouldn't have had a clue which way to go.
I pointed out that we were now free as the birds and for the next fifty yards we cavorted and danced and yelled, "We're bloody free."
As we got nearer to the end of the wood a Jeep with one bloke in it came up to us and stopped and the bloke asked what we were doing here, "You could get shot just wandering around, there are still a lot of SS wandering about I'm a bit surprised you got through without mishap." I told him we had seen the American armed column and they had suggested we kept walking in this direction, but we had seen no one else.
I told him we were not tourists but we were ex POW and we wanted to get to the American or preferably the British lines, he asked us to jump into his jeep and we did and he turned it round and we soon were on this air strip and he asked us to get out and stay on this very spot and wait.
He told us that Lancaster bombers were ferrying people like us to France so stay put and you are at the front of the queue for tomorrow, I asked him do we stay here all night?
He said if you go some were else to sleep someone will get your place so stay put if you want to be first away, and stay away from those people, and he pointed to a group of about a thousand skinny figures in black and white pyjamas, some were trying to stay standing, others were laid down, some were busy picking and killing lice from their clothing, some were dying, some were dead.
The bloke told us the Americans have just brought these people here from the gas chambers.
We were there about an hour when this bloke comes across from the control tower and he asked us who we were and how long had we been here, we explained and he said you won't be going anywhere today we've just had a message no more air movement till tomorrow, then in the distance we saw a DC3 coming in and the bloke looked through his binoculars and said it looked like Tedder's plane and we are expecting him, he won't take you, you will have to wait till tomorrow .
The plane landed and two figures got out and one had binocs and we could see we were being looked at, then the other figure came jogging over and we discovered he was in fact a Sergeant and he asked who we were, we again explained and he said, "Come with me" and he led us over to the Dacota plane, the other figure turned out to be Air Marshal Tedder, "Now what are you two lads up to" he warbled?
We explained again, so at the end he asked the Sergeant to get us something to eat and added, " While you are doing that, I'm going over to look at that clock", and he pointed to a huge clock in the distance.
When he got back he was coming into the plane as the Sergeant was bringing in two plates of ham and eggs from the galley,"God" he said "don't give them that muck, I don't want them to be sick on my carpet, do them a hot glass of milk each and whisk an egg in it and add a splash of Johny Walker.
So we set off and I'm looking out of the window watching the ground wizz by, then somebody was shaking me, "We are nearly there" and I thought I'd fallen asleep turning the handle on the potatoe riddler.
But it was for real, Tedder picked up a phone and issued instructions to the Pilot who circled a huge building, then he said to us "Have a look at this" and pointed to this building that had really been shot up, and he continued, "The Jerries really put up a fight in that building.
Then he told the Pilot to go round it again so I could see what I had missed while being asleep.
We landed at Riemes in France and I was taken to a tent and the other bloke into another tent.
It wasn't till later that it occurred to me they had done this to interrogate us separately in case we weren't who we said we were. Also a telegram form to let my folks know where I was, plus a form to fill in to inform the people at the War Office what theatres of war I had operated in, then I was taken to a delousing station and showers, I was told to strip and leave everything and go through the shower, and having done this I was issued with clean battle dress, shirt, etc, the only thing I had were the disks round my neck to remind me of a nightmare.
The next day I wandered around and was told, "Stay near your room because you could be called any time,"
The following day a group of us were taken to the airstrip and we got into the bomb bay of a Lancaster and it was great to know we would soon be in England, till some sick head said, " I hope he doesn't forget himself and say, "Bomb doors open, and bombs away" I looked round and grabbed hold of a bracket sticking out and didn't let go until the plane had landed.
When we got out on impulse I dropped on my knees and rubbed my face in the grass and a Nurse came toward me and I said its ok I just got carried away, but she had tears in her eyes and she said that was so beautiful, and welcome home hero, she put her arm round my shoulder then I was close to tears, I was not alone, other blokes were unashamedly crying and some had relatives to greet them, and there were News reel blokes and cameras clicking I was glad to get away from it all and sit quiet.
The Nurse took me over to a table and a bloke asked questions, I can't remember what about but there were lots of tables and Nurses and blokes asking questions, it was overwhelming, then we were taken to #100 reception Camp Buckinghamshire, this was a big mansion turned over to the Government for the War I suppose, and I was shown into this dormitory with beds with snow white sheets, and somebody said, "At meal times you will hear the bell, if you don't, or you don't feel like eating you can go to the kitchen any time night or day and make a sandwich, there is always a urn of hot tea on the stove, there is a library down there and if you would like to you can go sit by the river,"
I plumped for the river so I could sit and sort myself out. It is very hard to explain to someone how for four years you have been mentally and physically abused every day, The Russians closed in, fortunately the threat was never carried out but we weren't to know that, then suddenly all this kindness, I think one Scottish gentleman put it rather aptley "Ye cannot poot bile'en watter en tae ah cauld glass, et wull shatter it". I thought that summed up our position rather well.
I set off down the stairs and out of the front door and walking across the lawn and two bods with a ball came strolling over and one asked me, "Coming for a game of footy" I shook my head and looked around to see if there was a wooden shed with a little window in it, and there were no Guard towers, no barbed wire, just beautiful trees, flowers, and green grass, and it was quiet.
From there I went home. Tenny came home about three months later, at his wedding we exchanged our POW number tags back again, and with a grin said, "Thanks".
Those are some of the things that I still remember today.

Tom Barker 1st Bn A & S Highlanders.

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