大象传媒

THE P.O.W. TOTTIE HOWKERS 1942
One Monday morning about twenty of us British Prisoners of War were taken to a German Railway Station and after traveling about four miles we got off and walked about a mile to a Village.
An old German bloke we saw ambling along the lane like a lost chimpanzee stopped as he saw us and was then approached by our armed German Guard escort who asked him directions.
The old German with white hair and watery pale blue eyes appeared a bit unsteady on his feet and reeked of Schnapps but had eyed us from afar and now asked our Guard, 鈥淲er sind die Auslander?鈥� (Who are the foreiners?) to which our Guard replied, 鈥淓nglander鈥� and the old German bloke growled, 鈥滶s macht nicht鈥� (It doesn鈥檛 matter) And indicated with his thumb a group of buildings on the corner of a lane about twenty yards away and waffled, 鈥淒a dreiben!鈥� (Over there) then turned and wobbled off muttering to himself.
The building the old German had pointed out had a high wall adjoining it with broken glass set in concrete on the top of it, and the wall reached to the next building on the left. To the right was what looked like a long barn and from the back of that to the next tall building was another wall the top of which, someone with an artistic bent or perhaps a warped mind had decorated with more broken glass.
The barn type building had so much barbed wire across the windows that it looked like a house of a thousand delights or one of ill repute, depending on the observers point of view should he or she peruse the activities of the inmates since there were no curtains on the windows.
I counted four big windows, and the far one was narrow and also smaller, I also noted the small window had no barbed wire over it.
In the left wall were two big gates that when opened could admit two horses side by side pulling a farm wagon. It was to this gate we were marched and went through, and we right then turned again and walked into a huge barn through a smaller door that had been cut into one of the huge pair of heavy doors that looked like they had been closed and locked since Adam and Eve left paradise.
On entering the barn we found a big pot bellied stove about four feet away from the door.
To our left was what looked like a stage and I thought perhaps this place was used as a theatre for the entire village 鈥榗um Christmas or whenever there was a special event.
On the floor were sacks of straw and the Guard pointed to these and said, 鈥淶um schlafen鈥�,
( to Sleep) so we gathered these were our new beds.
When the whole Commando was indoors the Guard motioned for us all to sit on the straw sacks and it was not long before we were each sitting on our own chosen sack of straw.
The Guard then locked the barn door and walked through the barn and turning to the right went into a passageway that led to the house, at this stage I was looking at the windows from the inside looking out and all the windows facing the lane had barbed wire nailed on but the ones facing into the Farmyard had none, well it was pretty obvious that with broken glass on the very high wall top we would not be going out that way, to start with we would need a ladder to get up the wall and having got to the top one could break a leg jumping down not counting the hazard of sharp glass to cross.
It did cross my mind that since this was a really old building all the footings and foundations could be other old buildings that had sunk through time and the Hun had built up new Farm houses on top of them, so the idea of burrowing under the high wall was not a good idea since anyone digging there would have been too obvious to begin with.
I sat and pondered the situation and thought perhaps if I hid somewhere up in the roof the Guard would miss me but would assume I had got out and fled when in fact I would still be here but not seen.
It was obvious that we were being held here to do work in the Village or on some nearby Farm.
So as soon as the Guard took the work party to work about half a mile away I could come down out of the roof and really take off, the only snag with that idea was the Guard on counting us in the morning would alert the authorities and they would be already fore warned that I was on the loose and would be looking for me before I actually had got out of the place.
Then the obvious solution came to me, if I left when we had been locked in for the night I had all night to put distance between myself and the Farm and with luck could find some place to hunker down well out of harms way at least until the furor of the fact had died down a bit.
The inside of a clover stack is a nice safe warm place and usually there are vegetables or fruit not too far away.
And possibly a milk cow in a field would succumb to my charm and I could practice the milking technique taught by my Father back home on the Farm when I was about six years old.
My daydreaming was interrupted as the Guard came back with thin blankets and gave us one each and when we pointed out with body language that it was cold in this big old barn he pointed to the stove and shrugged.
We got settled in and wondered what was going to happen next.
One bright lad suggested, 鈥淎h thenk yon Kraut pillock es jist sittin鈥� there waitin鈥� fer yin o鈥� us ti get the stove goin鈥� 鈥�
Another of our lads added, 鈥淗e鈥檚 got his greatcoat oan an鈥� cudnie care less aboot the bliddy stove鈥� Then someone discovered a half full bag of coke.
We chopped some sticks and got a fire set and the Guard who had been sitting watching our activities with a bored look on his face seemed to get his brain into gear and heaved himself off his stool then wandered over and after a search through his pockets found one of those cardboard folders with matches attached to it.
The Guard tore off one cardboard match and scraped it along the brown strip on the bottom of the cardboard folder.
The match flared and the Guard held it to a corner of paper that greedily grabbed the flame and the flame leaped amongst the sticks like a Bower Bird on a Sunday getting paid double
time.
Soon the coke began to give off heat and the pot bellied stove began to glow a dull red and even at three yards away one could feel the warmth from it and we thought this was not so bad after all, then the Guard discarded his great coat and moved his stool nearer to the stove and sat there with out stretched hands.
Then a voice shouted from down the passageway that we presumed led to the Farmhouse.
The Guard got up and wandered to the passage and disappeared from view.
After a few minutes he returned with a canister full of hot thin watery stew along with tin plates and spoons and a slice of bread each, and it wasn鈥檛 long before we were lounging on the sacks of straw and began, 鈥淭roughing鈥� Since there was nothing to chew and everyone was spooning the liquid into their mouths it did sound a bit like pigs at the trough slurruping.
One bloke suggested that if this was going to be our fare from now on we should write home first chance we got and ask a relative to send us a package of drinking straws to suck up the soup.
Another bloke suggested that given this pigswill regularly some of us might develop cloven feet and end up with a curly tail, but his mate remarked that the time to worry was when he got a knot in the loose skin where his stomach came to a point and couldn鈥檛 leak.
One had to get used to the sacks of straw or one would just roll off them during the night.
After jumping up and down on them once or twice then turn them over and do the same to the other side they finally capitulated and allowed us to lay there without throwing us off, the only trouble was that the sacks were only so long the user had to roll up another empty sack to use as a pillow, but the trouble with that was if the sleeper moved too much during the night the straw sack parted company with the pillow sack and one could wake up with a stiff neck, some blokes who experienced this tried sleeping with their feet on the pillow and their head at the other end, but awoke disappointed with cramp in the lower leg muscle leg instead.
To overcome this problem we would tie string round both ends of the pillow and sew it through the top of the straw sack and it worked.
We didn鈥檛 know it at the time but this was only the first problem we were to encounter on this job.
Another problem was washing our clothes, to do this meant one had to strip and wrap a drying cloth or rag or newspaper wrapped round the body held in check by a bit of string, then wash one鈥檚 clothes and put them near the stove to dry.
In a P.O.W. camp there is no problem because there are no Civilians, but here there are windows all over the place and anyone coming in from the house, well you never can tell when it might just not be the Guard, I could well imagine a little old Lady not knowing we were there, and hearing us being noisy thinking perhaps there was a concert for the Village going on and she was missing out, coming in and suddenly seeing us all naked, then sinking down having a heart attack.
鈥淪abotage, und shoot the mongrels, poor defenseless little old lady.鈥�
Poland had lots of little old ladies, und men, und kids, und so on.
The first day we up at seven, wash under the pump, 鈥渂rrr!鈥� the water was freezing but it did get the circulation going, then fall in and march to a small Farm about a mile away from the Village, there we were taken by a French bloke to a field where there were three very long heaps of what looked like straw and dirt mixed, and being brought up on a Farm in Lincolnshire I recognized it for what it was, a potato pie, and this was where the potatoes were stored when they are first dug up and collected.
They are put in the long heaps then covered over with straw, then earth is thrown on to stop the wind blowing the straw away, also it stops the frost in winter time from damaging the spuds, or to a German (Kartoffel)
As we viewed the spud pies my thoughts turned to hot steak and kidney pies just taken out of the oven.
Then a voice warbled, 鈥淒ae we hae ti werrk aw day wi oot ony scoff then?鈥�
No one answered but began sorting and riddling the potatoes with the Guard sitting under the hedge drawing sketches of us working.
While we worked the conversation drifted from one crude joke to the next until someone warbled,
鈥淚t鈥檚 not true that Hitler came from Ireland originally and was known as Spud Murhpy then moved to Germany and changed his name to Dick Tater!鈥�
And someone answered, 鈥淥ch et鈥� nae true mucker! but the initials A.H. dae fit the bleed鈥檔 character, ah meen, wha else bur an Ass Hole wid dae wit ee鈥檚 dae鈥檔?
The French bloke took us to this what looked like an old fashioned clothes mangle, but with a long drum made of meshed wire that actually turned out to be a potato riddle.
Potato鈥檚 are loaded into one end and they are graded simply by turning the handle causing the drum to go round, the potatoes then loaded in at one end tumbled round and down the tube, the dirt would be knocked of the potatos as they tumbled round and round and down the tube and the smaller ones dropped through the mesh, bigger ones fell through further down and the largest made it out of the end and into sacks, the smaller ones are usually saved as pig feed, the next size were saved for self use on the farm and the biggest went to market.
In Winter everything is covered with rime so the last thing you would want to do is grab that handle with bare hands and using some sacking we made mittens, that solved that problem. But then the French bloke had a go at us for cutting up sacks so we told him, 鈥淥k you turn the bleed鈥檔鈥� 鈥榓ndle with no mittens鈥� and he wandered off muttering under his breath something about 鈥淎nglais merde鈥� But we just ignored him.
If it was a nice day, well every day is a nice day, some are just better than others, but if the sun is shining and you can look around and maybe there are some wild flowers like violets in the hedge bottoms or crocus on the bank sometimes you can see buds pushing up through the snow just keep winding the handle round and round, and thinking why does somebody have to spoil it, all these pretty flowers and someone comes along and pulls them up just to stick in a jug to die, why not leave them where they are, then the next person who comes by can also enjoy the view as well.
Stuff it! let somebody else have a go, 鈥淗ere Dicko, you have go鈥� 鈥淣o! not me!鈥� cried Dicko 鈥� 鈥淥h no, not him!,鈥� 鈥漮ny time e鈥檚 interested is if it goes up an鈥� dahn.
So somebody else would take a turn and I would take a turn at sewing the now full sacks of potato, but first they had to be weighed, yes you guessed it before you can get any work done most blokes wanted to know how much they weighed, well maybe it was because the scales were a bit like a seesaw it brought back marital or child hood memories, 鈥業t鈥檚 all in the mind,鈥� a big bloke got on and we had to change the weights round because he was heavier built than most and he weighed just over twelve stone, 鈥淐or stone the crows鈥� he growled, 鈥淚 was fifteen stone afore these back studs got me.
Someone else chimed in with, 鈥淥w abaht stonin鈥� some more crows? en app鈥檔 us cud 鈥榓ve for鈥檔鈥檛wenny black birds baked in a pie, hu, hu, hu,鈥� and, 鈥渁rk at im bleedin鈥� potty loriette o鈥� Stalag three o鈥� bleedin鈥� three鈥�.
I also had lost weight, it did not bother me too much because I never was a fanatic in that direction. The next day it rained so we did quite a bit of sheltering in the wagon shed, and you know what they say about idle hands, well that鈥檚 when you start hatching plots.
鈥滵oggy you gor a brain loik a can o鈥� worms鈥� 鈥� ah mean where doe鈥檚 yer ger all these ideas鈥� (because I would put forward different formulae) for escaping.
Someone suggested I had a one-track mind and I agreed I said 鈥� The track start here and ends at our front door back home鈥�. 鈥淚f you keep your eyes and ears open 鈥� and make mental notes, you also can have a brain like a can of worms, to which our resident wit replied, 鈥� Yea, ba鈥� in 鈥榠s case 鈥榚 don鈥檛 鈥榓ve a bleed鈥檔鈥� can opener, do ee?鈥�
I would catch someone鈥檚 eye and they would just smile and slowly shake the head and we would continue working, they were not a bad mob of blokes.
At about four o鈥檆lock we would pack up for the night and this entailed covering over the pie so the frost during the night would be kept at bay.
I think everyone had one potato in his pocket and I think the Guard knew we had, but he said nothing so when we got back to our barn cum billet, since we got stew when we got in we decided to roast them by the fire for supper and the Guard even brought in some salt and wagging a finger said, 鈥淪ie can nicht mair wie eine bringen鈥� (Don鈥檛 bring back more than one) in other words don鈥檛 get greedy and spoil it. So we left it at that and everybody was happy.
The odd egg was pilfered straight from the horses mouth so to speak so it would be made into an omelet and four blokes got to share it so next time another four would share it and so on.
One bloke really smacked his lips and said 鈥淎h 鈥榚erd abaht this bloke who went into a caf鈥檈 an鈥� the waitress warbled, 鈥淲e have a special treat today鈥�
鈥漁h yea, said I, tryin鈥� ti be perlite like鈥�
鈥淵es she cooed鈥� There is some nice tongue or calfs cheek鈥�.
鈥淣o fanks鈥� I waffled 鈥漌ell I didn鈥檛 fancy anyfing aht of an animals mouf鈥� so she brings me these two boiled eggs,鈥︹�� bluddy luvly they wuz 鈥榚n all.鈥�
We were going though this potato pie and sacking up the spuds like no bodies business and we had stacked up quite a sizeable pile all in bags and weighed ready for market, then two French blokes would come with a wagon and an ox and load them and take them away, by the way the Ox pulled the wagon.
I noticed that the two Frenchmen came every day on bicycles to work and the bikes were leaned up against the wall and at about quarter to four they would grab their bikes and leave. This did not mean anything to me at the time, but later on I also noticed that on a Thursday night they must stay over for the night because normally we get to working in the morning and they usually turned up at about half an hour later, but Friday morning they were already there so they maybe get paid Thursday and stay to play cards with the Farmer.
I put this info in a pigeonhole as it were and carried on with the good work. We did not work on Sundays so we would wash our clothes out on that day.
I was busy washing my shirt and the Guard came out and watched me with an amused look on his face and suddenly he said to me, 鈥淟ieber Gott! warum so feil seife鈥� Dear God! why so much soap) he wasn鈥檛 a bad bloke, in fact a bit later on in the piece he stopped carrying his rifle round and left it in his room but presumably locked up, he did not know us that well I think.
The clock ticked on relentless and Sunday arrived, and I had washed my clothes so I wandered inside, most of the other blokes were outside in the farm yard and the Guard was out there with them and it was a good day to wash clothes, warm wind and nice sunshine, there was a bloke from the Black Watch inside and quick as a flash I checked the Guards position and whispered to Jock keep his eye on the Guard.
鈥淵ea richt鈥� what鈥檚 goan鈥� oan鈥� the Jock bloke whispered back, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know yet but I鈥檝e got a feeling there鈥檚 no wire on that little window, said I 鈥淥ch they widnie be that stoopit鈥� replied Jock, 鈥淥r wid they鈥�? I said I thought the little window would have to be where the end of the stage was, so again I asked him to watch the Guard, 鈥淎nd if he stands up start whistling鈥� I said, 鈥渙k鈥� said Jock, 鈥淲atch yerrsel鈥� so I climbed onto the stage and to the left was a door, I opened it and it was a small dressing room with a few clothes on a peg, I nipped quietly over to the opposite door opened it and lo and behold there was the window, I tried it and it opened without a sound and closing it quickly I closed the door and got off the stage then walked to the door and the Guard was sitting in the yard cleaning under his nails with a match stick and enjoying the sunshine.
Meanwhile my heart was thumping away because suddenly a plan was taking shape and the can of worms was working overtime. I got the Jock bloke in a corner and we had a confab, I told him my idea and he thought it couldn鈥檛 lose.
Actually you didn鈥檛 have to be a genius to think up this idea it was mostly common sense, but Jock thought it could work and I thought it would work so it was two to nothing and the vote was carried and we would start the ball rolling straight away.
Quite simply the idea was that since Jerry had zones and if we could get out of our zone quietly at night and hide up during the day, keep to the country away from roads, walk in the shadows of hedges so one is not spotted in the moon light, live off the land then no one could give us away, now once out of the area it was that simple, and we did not have to bother with false papers or risk being caught on a train and at a push Jock would be deaf and dumb since he didn鈥檛 understand German and to get our of the area in one night, and two bikes would be a great help, with a bit of luck we could contact the Free French underground and go from there.
So we arranged it for next week and in the meantime we dried bread and sewed it into our over coats, fresh veggies we could get from farms we passed by, and then we were like two kids waiting for Christmas.
The Guard would retire to his room once we got in from work, maybe to have a wash up, then about half an hour would go by and he would appear with the stew or soup, the menu was varied by the way, one night we would have potato stew, the next night it would be potato soup, the next night it would be soup with potatoes in it then for a change we would have boiled potatoes with their jackets on, and soon blokes were wandering around like zombies muttering, 鈥淭he Ayes have it鈥�,
Sunday night we got for a change a bowl of sourkraut (cabbage leaves boiled in vinegar) one night we got lentils, all I could see were bed bugs, because they look like bed bugs doing the breast stroke in the hot water some times your mind plays tricks and you are so convinced they seem to be laying there floating on their backs and grinning up at me so there is no way am I going to eat these things.
The Guard would sit by the pot bellied stove all evening and sometimes when he felt like it he would ask one of our blokes to sit for him and he would sketch their portrait, and he was good.
When it appeared everyone was down for the night he would put out the light and retire to his quarters, and the silence would be broken only by a snore or a sound like somebody had let go of the balloon before tying some string on it, sometimes to ease the tension somebody would say in the quiet dark 鈥淚 don鈥檛 believe it鈥� 鈥渁nd a weary voice would query, 鈥淥h, and what exactly don鈥檛 you believe鈥�? 鈥淚鈥檓 getting fat鈥� came the reply, 鈥淣or on spuds yow ain鈥檛, an鈥� tek yer 鈥榓nd offen it and get ter sleep,鈥� another Birmingham voice volunteered, 鈥淢ebbies yow is pregnant鈥�,
Then another voice growled, 鈥淵u鈥檒l both be f****n鈥� pregnant if yu don s**t in it an get ti sleep鈥�.
Next morning it was over cast but not raining, perhaps a bit cold but coming out of that warm barn into the cold morning air but combined with a wash in the icy water from the pump served to wake us up, and now a brisk walk would get the red corpuscles racing round your system, then some twit began parroting, 鈥淓ft,eft, I ad a good job but I left,鈥� and when he shut up somebody else decided to imitate RSM Britain of the Welsh Guards of World renown, i.e. the loudest voice in the British army, 鈥淓ft ite, eft ite, eft ite eft, cor, you are a slovenly lot what are yer,鈥�? and some blokes would yell 鈥淲e鈥檙e a slovenly lot Sarn Major鈥� and everybody would shout, 鈥淣ever seen anything like it in all me loife鈥� And the Guard would have a puzzled smile and maybe he could be forgiven for thinking we were cracking up, but it let off steam.
I watched out for our friendly Froggies and they arrived about a quarter hour after we got to work, they leaned their trusty iron steeds against a shed and went into the house, when one of our lads groaned, 鈥淚鈥檒l bet they are having bacon and eggs, hot buttered rolls and!!!!鈥�
鈥淲hy don鈥檛 shut yer chuffin鈥� great cake 鈥榦le abaht grub鈥� somebody else snarled.
About half an hour later Le Frog and his off-sider came sauntering out and went into a shed where there was some Farm machinery and we could hear a lot of banging and knocking.
Somebody suggested they ought to put a red light up outside, 鈥淲ell it sounds like a Frog knockin鈥� shop it may as well look like one鈥� and another voice suggested, 鈥漎ea put a sign up an鈥� call it The Plough Inn鈥� or The Knotted Pine to which a mournful voice responded, 鈥淚鈥檓 pine鈥檔鈥� ti get knotted, another replied, 鈥淵ea, well don鈥檛 come near me, oi got me own problems don鈥� oi.
The two French blokes had nothing to do with us, they were not unsociable but they kept mostly to themselves, if they passed by us we got鈥� Bonsoir鈥� or 鈥淧arlay vous Francais鈥� or similar but apart from that they may as well have been on the moon.
About a quarter to four they got on their bikes and pedaled off. Then at four or a little after it didn鈥檛 matter really we were not going anywhere special, we would set off back for the barn.
It was always nice to sit on the straw and relax. I was next to the Black Watch bloke, never did get his name however somebody got the stove going and it wasn鈥檛 long before the room was warmer.
I told Jock that as soon as the Guard went to bed I would give him ten minutes to settle down then I was going to snoop behind the two big curtains that covered the stage front, I had given some thought to these windows and the only thing that jelled was since one looked in to the Farmyard and it was pointless going through that one and the other one had been missed or the other answer was since the curtains were drawn no one saw them at all, either way I was going to look at the one that looked onto the lane, some blokes played cards and another group told dirty jokes while some wanted only to lay there and enjoy the moment, thinking about family or girl friend perchance?
Finally all was quiet and the Guard was sitting by the stove, and I was wide awake, heart going like a trip hammer, then the Guard stretched, got up, and went down the passage, I waited listening and I thought I heard a bed creak, so very quietly I got up and got to the stage and climbed up and slipped through the curtains, that was good because now if the Guard came out he could not see me if I kept still.
Jock was going to cough violently should the Guard return.
I had a look round this small dressing room and noticed there was a top hat, tails, a scarf, some colored silks in a drawer and hanging from a peg a brightly colored stick with a star on top, some kids magic wand, and it crossed my mind so I grasped it tight and wished I was home, but there was no puff of smoke and nothing changed so I thought, 鈥淏ugger the fairies, they are never around when you need them鈥�.
I then had a look at the window and sure enough there was no wire on it, not only that but I slid the catch and the window slid open upwards silently, closing it without a sound I got back behind the curtains and looked up the passage, now if only the Guard stays put until I get to my bed? then I slipped silently through the curtains and off the stage then moved to the stove because it occurred to me if the Guard suddenly opened his door he鈥檇 wonder what I was up to half way between my bed and the stage but if I was near the stove I could use the excuse I was cold, now the distance to my bed was half as long and I could say I had been warming myself, but the Guard did not come out and I told Jock what I had found out.
We whispered about this and that until somebody growled, 鈥淧oot a sock in it why don鈥� yez鈥� and we we put a sock in it and I lay looking at the glow on the stove for a long time, soon a zzz zzz was coming from the bloke near me and I thought what was I leading him into,?
But it was his choice, then I thought, if caught we could both act as imbeciles, but on second thoughts Hitler was gassing all those people anyway.
Then I must have fallen asleep because suddenly, 鈥淎ufstehen alle, guten morgen mien herren, haben sie gut geshlafen.鈥�?( get up every body, good morning, Gentlmen, did you sleep well.)
We had the dried bread and carrots sewn into our coats and today was Thursday and I was on pins and needles, the Jock bloke looked at me and winked as much as to say, 鈥淲ell this is it. today鈥檚 the day鈥�.
We went outside and washed in the cold water from the pump after a brisk rub down with the sacking that served as a towel we fell in ready for work.
Breakfast ?
What breakfast?
There was only ever one issue of crap the Germans called food per day.
The Germans called it soup but on tasting it we suggested it had already been issued, consumed, ejected, collected, re-heated and re-issued.
Perhaps after WW1 they got used to making do with what was to hand, and having refined their soup to hot water with a sprinkling of lentils there in, it still tasted to me like hot water with a sprinkling of lentils in it.
Why then did we nick whatever was edible and nickable?
So a good Guard or a bad Guard could make life tolerable or just down right miserable.
We marched down the lane and passed a cow looking over a gate and one of the blokes shouted at it, 鈥淢oo ya ugly lukkin back stud, and somebody else chimed in with, 鈥淵ou鈥檒l have to put more bull into it Dicko, she鈥檚 just not interested鈥� and another voice quipped, 鈥淥i dunno happen she鈥檚 berra lukin en ma Missus鈥� an鈥� app鈥檔 she鈥檚 got two more tits.
We got to work without further ado and soon the potatos were flying, shovel the dirt away, sew the the bags up, 鈥� Bonsoir Meseur鈥�
鈥淔**k off Frog, ahm busy鈥�, snarled on bloke
鈥漀on non, silver plate,!鈥� warbled the Frog who was standing there with a pail and a tin cup, and dipping the cup into the hot whatever it was in the pail, he offered it to one of our blokes, to cries of 鈥淲atch it Blakey you don鈥檛 know where that bucket has been, yet another voice suggested, 鈥淵ea mate it could ave bin under 鈥榠s bed aw nicht鈥�.
It turned out to be mint tea, I think what one does is fill a pail with boiling water go into the garden and pull out a mint bush and dunk it in the boiled water two or three times, and walla ! mint tea, from my point of view the only good thing was it was hot, since there was no milk or sugar involved, there were no other advantages except perhaps it stopped your draining system from healing up or growing over.
Still it proved the Frogs were human after all, unless there was an ulterior motive for this sudden act of generosity. Well I thought, after today it would not involve us any more so I just thanked them and continued with what I was doing.
It was half past three and I could not keep my eyes from glancing at the bikes leaning against the wooden shed, four 鈥榦鈥檆lock and the Frogs had disappeared into the house, then, 鈥淟ose, alle man fertig machen鈥� (ok everybody finish what you are doing,) and we finished then fell in to come home.
On the way home we passed the five barred gate the cow had been looking over and somebody said, 鈥淵u girl friend鈥檚 gorn an鈥� went Dicko鈥�, to which Dicko replied, 鈥淯p yours鈥�.
As we passed the little window I looked at it out of the corner of my eye expecting maybe to see it wired over, surely somebody else must have noticed, God am I the only one that鈥檚 really awake?
Jock would not have known if I hadn鈥檛 pointed it out to him and we had not told anyone else, but we had to tell the others before we left because we wanted them to cover for us when we left.
We turned right at the corner and I noticed the front door of the farm house was set back, the door was actually built into the corner of the house, so as one stood at the front door there was an over hang as the rest of the building seemed to loom over.
We continued round the corner to the big double doors only one of which was open and walked in to the farm yard, there were now some cows in the middle enclosure, they must have been brought in while we were at work because we had seen no sign of them before.
Come to think of it we had seen no one to do with the farm or the village except the old bloke when we first arrived. After a wash under the pump we settled down to wait for tonight鈥檚 horses duvers or whatever was in the offalling. It turned out to be millet. 鈥淪**t, oi feeds me bleed鈥檔鈥� budgie bleed鈥檔鈥� millet don鈥� oi鈥�, oi aint eatin no bleed鈥檔鈥� bird seed .
鈥淗ey Fritz鈥� and angrily turning to the Guard and then to me he snarled, 鈥淗ey Doggy! tell this Kraut back stud ah鈥檓 not gonna work all day for a ladle full of bleed鈥檔鈥� bird seed, and suddenly we realized that on his own he was going nowhere.
I think we all felt the same disgust, but he was more volatile and suddenly this had triggered him off. Well for the official issue of food doled out to us, not counting the odd nicked potato we suddenly knew why the Indians had gone berserk at the battle of Wounded Knee.
He was right though, 鈥淥ne cannot get out if one doesn鈥檛 put in鈥� as the Actress said to the Bishop.
I then asked all the blokes what they wanted to do, and one bloke said, 鈥淥k Tommo, ask the Guard if the Farmer will give us something else, add that we are not animals nor birds, and if he expects to get any work done tomorrow we expect to be fed accordingly.鈥�
鈥淎lso add what we get to eat will reflect in tomorrows work鈥�. So I translated this to the Guard as best as I could and I couldn鈥檛 have been that bad because he grabbed the dixie and went through the passage and I could hear a heated debate going on then the Guard came back and made with his hand like he was bouncing a rubber ball on the pavement and I took it to mean simmer down and wait, which we did since we had nothing better to do other than listen to our tum鈥檚 rumbling.
We must have waited an hour or more then a door at the end of the passage opened and a voice shouted, 鈥淓ssen鈥�, and the Guard got up and walked down the passage and after an exchange of words came back with the dixie full of stew which the Guard put it on the floor and said to me and I told the blokes word for word, 鈥淚鈥檓 to blame, I picked up the wrong dixie, the other one was for the pigs,鈥� so I asked the Guard why had it taken over an hour to change dixies, I then added 鈥淚 also heard the Farmer ask you to tell us this lie. I may not be fluent in German but I am also not stupid.鈥� The Guard went very red and I was beginning to feel a little out of my depth so I said quietly, 鈥淟ass mal liegen鈥� ( let鈥檚 leave it at that) so the Guard went and sat on his seat near the stove and we got stuck into the stew.
I had upset the Guard but if the Farmer could get away with feeding us the pig鈥檚 swill he would have done, and I do think the Guard was not aware of what was in the dixie, so in truth the Guard was between the devil and the deep blue sea if you get my drift.
Anyway we got settled for the night and it seemed an extra long time before the Guard finally roused himself stretched and stood up looked all around then put out the light and quietly walked through the passage opened a door closed the door and as he closed the door the last of the light disappeared, now all one could see was very dim because the only light came from the glow of the stove, but it was enough for what we had in mind.
We whispered instructions to the two blokes either side of us, the reaction was immediate, 鈥漵**t, yer crazy pair of back studs鈥� and Jock whispered urgently, 鈥淔er f*** sake, keep your voices doon鈥�, but they accepted what was about to happen with apprehension.
We waited till all was quiet and still, some were some one was snoring gently, then a chilling thought occurred to me, what if it was a set up, what if some warp minded Jerry had left that window on purpose and there was a sniper waiting out side maybe up in somebodies warm bed room sipping schnapps and muttering, 鈥淐ome on Tommy make my day!鈥� ( not me personally) any Tommy will do ,yep鈥� I鈥檒l bet a pound to a pinch of sh, snuff ? he鈥檚 got the rifle laid across the window sill and his feet up on a chair, probably chewing on a sausage.
I was jolted out of my reverie by a nudge from Jock, 鈥淗ey鈥� he whispered are we goin鈥� then or wha鈥�, and I whispered back, 鈥� I just had a thought, before we get out of the window let鈥檚 get that brush and put a coat over it and fasten a bunch of straw above it to look like a head, ok
鈥淲hy鈥�? asked Jock
鈥淛ust a precaution鈥� I whispered, 鈥淒o it鈥� And Jock did it, and we made our beds look like there was somebody in them by piling straw up and covering it with the blankets, then we crept onto the stage and into the little room on the right, and it was unreal because in the silence of the night the boards seemed to scream actually there was only the odd creak as an old board protested as it took our weight, it was us, or rather me, Jock didn鈥檛 seem to be bothered too much, but I was hearing and sensing and sniffing the air and trying to see into the shadows outside and I could see a building in the distance only very dim because it was so dark out side and I felt relief because in this light even with a scope someone would be battling to see us anyway I was still not going to be caught with my pants down as the saying goes, so I quietly lifted up the bottom half of the window and taking the now disguised broom and standing behind the wall I pushed the ensemble through the window at the same time motioning to Jock to get behind the brickwork at his side then I began inching the brush down so it would look like a bloke slowly climbing down, I was thinking any minute now .
Nothing happened, and still I waited so I made it look like he was climbing back in.
Still nothing, so I laid down the brush and put my leg over the sill and climbed down to the ground and was immediately joined by Jock and we set off down the lane, I wanted to run spread my arms out and take off, unfortunately it was not that simple, we were now escaped British soldiers and as such could be shot on sight, that was one problem now we encountered, another was, it began to rain, our immediate goal was the two bicycles about a mile away.
At first the rain was a fine rain but it was still wet, and it wasn鈥檛 too long before we were both like two drowned rats, soaked to the skin, and suddenly it dawned on me that we could now say goodbye to the dried food sewn in our coats, we had gone maybe quarter of a mile and we were enveloped in fog and suddenly a bloke on a bike with no lights came out of the fog and almost ran me down, 鈥漇hizer und donna wetter noch mal鈥� (S*** and thundery weather again) he gasped, taken completely by surprise.
And I wondered if he had glimpsed Jock as well due to the fog, well we just plodded on, about five minutes later, I said to Jock, 鈥淟isten鈥� we both stood stock still and heard an engine noise coming nearer and nearer, Jock snarled, 鈥渢hat back stud hez shopped us, then I saw a light coming toward us and thought any minute now and as if one string worked us both we dived into this gully
The gully was full of water and it was cold and as I was about to suggest giving it away and try another day when Jock blurted out, 鈥淚 vote we give it awa ti鈥� anither day鈥� and I said 鈥� I second that motion鈥� so Jock said, 鈥淭hank f*** fi thaaat, If ah hed known ah wid hev sed it errlier鈥� and we retraced our footsteps hoping the Guard was still abed.
All the way back and our shoes were making funny noises because of the water in them now, however we got back to about a hundred yards away from the window also the rain was now pouring down so it drowned out any noise we might be making when I heard a woman laugh then some muttered words and another titter, well thought I, half his luck on a night like this, still beggars can鈥檛 be choosers, then it suddenly dawned on me it was the Guard鈥檚 voice and it was coming from the front door, that鈥檚 it they are in the shelter of the front door, so I whispered to Jock and we sank down into the grass because if we were to proceed one of them was bound to spot us. I whispered to Jock, 鈥淲on鈥檛 be long now 鈥� just to perk his spirit up a little, and he whispered back, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 see any movement maybe he鈥檚 gone tae sleep on the joab, 鈥淎n鈥� it must be aboot three en the morrrn鈥檔鈥�.
The rain poured, we prayed, the Guard screwed literally, we screwed the Guard verbally, and all together it was a screwed up night and I wished I had a robot so I could wind it up and program it to go to Berlin and screw Hitler and all his colleagues.
Finally I heard through the noise of the rain, 鈥淕ut nacht leibchen鈥� Jock must have heard it too because he muttered, 鈥淎boot f鈥� time, to which I whispered 鈥淣o he鈥檚 passed that, now it鈥檚 his bed time, we both had a snigger at this slim wit, and I had a sneaky feeling we were both releasing tension that had been building all night.
A light suddenly streaked out from the front door and then disappeared as the door was closed, only then did I realize I was so cold we had been laid immobile for so long in the wet grass. I whispered to Jock, 鈥淟et鈥檚 give him time to have a look round then go to bed鈥�
Jock nodded agreement.
Somewhere around four in the morning we quietly got back through the window and took off our wet clothes and put them near the stove to dry, Jock said, 鈥淲hat if the Guard sees em鈥�? I offered 鈥淭ell him we both had the runs during the night and had to wash them鈥� and Jock queried, 鈥滱ye but wha鈥� if he asks whit gid us the runs?鈥� and I replied, 鈥淛ust tell him the truth, he does!鈥�.
The next day was twice as long as it should have been, the Guard didn鈥檛 even notice the clothes near the stove, probably because we always use this method in wet weather, it鈥檚 a good job he wasn鈥檛 too observant either or he would have noticed two blokes yawning their heads off all day.
We finished work and trudged home and after the usual stew which had improved markedly we laid on our beds of straw chewing the fat with the other blokes, it鈥檚 always the same though, some blokes hang back, they need a paper signed by Jerry to say 鈥淲e the under signed promise not to hoot, root, or shoot said P.O.W, if caught trying to escape, we do however retain the right to give them a quick pull through with a holly bush or reprimand which ever is applicable to each individual case, signed A. H. for the German High Command.
And to cap it off a voice about three beds away queeried, 鈥淒er!, were there any wimmin on鈥檛 street wen yer was avin yer moonlite stroll?鈥� and I said, 鈥淔unny you should mention that Horace, well everybody else called him Horace, personally I thought horse would have fitted better, but maybe the Vicar who Christened him thought that was as close as he could get with out being offensive to the parents, 鈥淲ell Horace鈥� I said, 鈥淵ou now that little wood we pass on the way to work!鈥�, Horace sits up and his eyes are peering at us, 鈥淲ell鈥� I said 鈥淔unny things were happening in there, there were rustling noises and groans, and creaking noises,鈥� Horace is now gripping his straw mattress and starting to drool, 鈥淵ea an鈥� then wot鈥�? Where upon Jock piped up, 鈥淚t was on鈥檡 two trees get鈥檔鈥� nawted yu twit.
Horace came back with, 鈥淎h di鈥檔t naw trees did that鈥� somebody else suggested, 鈥淗orace, have a lie down mate, and you鈥檒l feel better in the morning,鈥� but Horace was adamant, 鈥淣aw ah wan鈥檛 ta naw abaht thay trees, cos ah did鈥檔t naw they did tha鈥�, 鈥淕o to sleep yu dawsy bugger鈥� somebody snarled, and someone else queeried, 鈥淗ow did he get in the Army鈥�? and someone else replied, 鈥淗e won鈥檛 have any trouble getting out, and someone else suggested,
鈥� He should live that long?鈥�
Then somebody started the ball rolling with, 鈥楾here was a young man from Kent etc and I must have dozed off because it only seemed like half and hour when, 鈥淎ufstehen mien herren鈥� ( Get up Gentlemen) 鈥淥h Gawd,鈥� Somebody groaned, 鈥� It鈥檚 work time aggin鈥�.
So we trudged to work, and we riddled and piddled, we got some more of that Frog mint tea, and piddled and riddled some more until thankfully it was time to go home, well back to the barn.
Sunday came and we washed our clothes, the sun was shining and I thought yes it was a nice day, why could it not have been like this when we got out that night. Oh well, there鈥檚 always another day, also I was a bit surprised no one else seemed interested in escaping but then after giving it a bit of thought some were married and wanted to play it safe and some just had no guts and others just could not be bothered one way or the other, perhaps Jock and I were the only two that needed a heed shrink ti give us the once over.
Anyway we were going to try again cum Thursday, but this time we were not going to mess about with drying food, we would get out and play it by ear after that. I was sitting outside in the sun and day dreaming when the Guard came out and queeried. 鈥漀a younger, was machen sie den鈥� (Now boy what are you doing?) to which I replied ,鈥漈ag traumen nur鈥� (Only day dreaming,) 鈥淵a,ya,鈥� quaffed the Guard and disappeared inside again.
I was happy to think at least the Guard and I were on speaking terms again. After that the Guard was his amiable self again. One night we were joking after we had eaten, somebody was telling a yarn when suddenly in the far distance we could hear thud, thud, thud鈥攖hud, thud, thud, 鈥漈hat鈥檚 bombing鈥� I said, and everybody clammed up and now because it was so quiet there it was again, then a new noise joined in that sounded like ack ack guns.
鈥淪omebody鈥檚 copping it鈥�, a voice whispered, and we must have listened to it for about quarter of an hour or more before it was all quiet again.
Somebody broke the tension with, 鈥淚 wus a choir boy wunce鈥漚nd another chipped in 鈥淚 bet yer kept trippin鈥� ower yu surplus,鈥� then another voice joined in, 鈥淒id yer ere abaht the free dwarfs鈥� etc etc until finally all was quiet and the Guard sat in silence by the stove, a long way off a dog barked briefly and about half an hour later the Guard got up had a quick perv round then put out the light and silently edged to the passage where the gloom swallowed him up, a shaft of light at the end of the passage, then it too was gone.
During the night somebody startled us all awake, shouting and sobbing he was jabbing with an imaginary rifle and bayonet at an imaginary foe, 鈥淕rab 鈥榠m Dicko鈥� shouted a voice, then the Guard was there with his rifle, 鈥� For Christ sake go away yu stupid bugger, don鈥檛 you go near 鈥榠m, jist p*** aff and leave us alone, though the Guard didn鈥檛 understand English I think his own common sense told him not to interfere but he stayed in the shadows until finally we got the bloke fully awake and he looked round, 鈥漌hat, is it work time already?
The Guard who had stayed in the shadows of the passage now came out minus his rifle, then he surprised us all, because he dug into his pocket and came out with a hip flask, unscrewing the cap he filled it with schnapps from the flask and offered it to the bloke who drank it down and grimaced, the Guard smiling took the cap and screwed it back on and put the flask back in his pocket, 鈥淪chlafen yetz ya鈥�? go to sleep now yes?鈥� Then he made for the passage way, as he passed I said 鈥淒anke鈥� (Thanks) and the Guard replied 鈥滲ittershone鈥� (Don鈥檛 mention it) and disappeared down the passage way, I was awake for a long time and I could hear the rain coming from about half a mile away, at first I heard this way in the distance sound of somebody pouring rice into a wooden tub then as it came nearer you could hear it was indeed rain, and rain indeed it did.
When it was time to get up the Guard came in and said to me, 鈥淜ine arbite heuter鈥� (no work today,) Then pointing out of the window, 鈥淩aigen der gansen tag鈥� (It was going to rain all day).鈥滲laddy good鈥� said one of our blokes, I can do with a day off.鈥�
But after we had played pontoon, three card brag, and even throwing them like cigarette cards against the wall, which did nothing for the appearance of the cards and when one bloke pointed out that we only had the one pack of cards the practice ceased.
I found myself looking out of the window, elbows on the sill, chin resting in my hands, and I was miles away, the rain was running down the window pane and puddles had formed out side, inside it was warm and dry and I would have given a million pounds just then to walk through our front door at home.
My reverie was interrupted by a couple of ducks, I don鈥檛 know where they came from but they waddled into one of the pools of water that had formed out side the window and were having a good romp or bath or what ever it was that ducks do in rain water pools just outside a window where a load of blokes are locked in, flap, flap,quack, quack, look at us, we鈥檙e free.
The next day was beautiful with blue sky and fluffy clouds, and way up high there were vapor trails, lots of them. But it was good to get out and when we got to work everything seemed to be back to normal. One of our blokes strayed over to the shed with the farm machinery in it and you could see him thinking as he looked up at the building hoping perhaps if he really concentrated a red light might appear, 鈥淗alf yer luck Fred鈥�, yelled one of our blokes, 鈥淲atch out fer that bleedin鈥� dog cos e鈥� likes bones鈥�
Thursday came round again and Jock was raring to go, this time we didn鈥檛 mess around with a broom and coat but we took precautions, like making sure the Guard was in his room.
We got out of the window, no problems, it was dark but we could see the odd star so there was some cloud floating around and with ears listening for different noises we walked quickly up the lane towards the farm and the Frog bikes. If we could get out of the immediate area and lie low somewhere near a farm then move on quickly to the next, at night you can burrow into a hay stack where it is warm and dry, anyway first things first.
We got to the farm and there in the dim star light were the two bikes leaning against the shed, very quietly we started to wheel them when I discovered the tires were flat on both bikes and the valves were gone, so had the pump, 鈥淨uick put them back鈥� I whispered, Jock was angry, 鈥淎w this way fer nothin鈥� he snarled, then he put the bike back and so did I, 鈥渁hm away鈥� he whispered, I whispered back to him, 鈥淒on鈥檛 be daft man you will be caught tomorrow but if we go back now no one be any the wiser an if we bide our time something else could turn up, be patient鈥�
鈥淎ye ok, yer reicht: said Jock 鈥淪orry but yur reight, c鈥檓on let鈥檚 away鈥� We got back with out mishap, and when we got nearer to the barn we laid on the grass and listened just to make sure no one was about, all was still, so very quietly we climbed back in and checked through the curtains to make sure the Guard wasn鈥檛 by the stove, silently we got back to our straw bed and thankfully collapsed. In the morning the two blokes covering for us said no one but them knew we had gone, and I thought later it was maybe as well because if a lot had got out it could have got a bit out of hand.
We then decided to wait and see what turned up in the future but before next Thursday turned up we were returned to the main camp. And surprise, we got moved again and we kept moving for ever it seemed, but marching eventually we got to this other camp, we were halted then counted through the main gate once inside another Guard counted us so many to a hut where we settled down wondering what was coming next. A lot were too tired to be bothered with questions and answers and just fell asleep, then a triangle rattled and somebody said grub up, and guess what, pig swill again.
In the morning we were paraded and a Guard who was the spitting image of Dopey in Snowhite and the Seven Snakes came bumping out of the Guard room, as he walked the rifle which was slung over his shoulder kept bumping on the ground, 鈥榚ft bump, 鈥榠ght bump, then somebody started to whistle the Blue Danube tune and somebody else said, 鈥淭read on that Dicko鈥� 鈥淪omebody has left the lavatory door open鈥� this brought forth a gust of laughter from the parade, and the German Sergeant didn鈥檛 think it was all that funny even though he knew no English he knew we were taking the mick and he started screaming abuse at us.
We quickly realized this was not Stalag 303 Teltow any more, these were not your average German Gentlemen, and it looked like we would have to tread softly again.
鈥淎ny of you people work on a building site?鈥� asked the Interpreter, 鈥淔all in on the left here, also bricklayers, plasterers, painters on the left here and give your number to the bloke at the table.鈥�
I was not a Bricky but I put my hand up anyway and moved over to the table where a Jerry was seated writing in a school exercise book and without looking up he continued writing but held out his hand, 鈥淣ummer鈥� he asked 鈥渁nd I replied twelve two four four鈥� where upon he looked up and quick as a flash his hand darted out to grab the number plate hanging round my neck and he tried to pull me down so he could read the number but I stayed put, I was not about to bow to any Kraut back stud so he let go he let go and started screaming the odds until a Jerry Sergeant came running but by this time I had taken off the number plate and put it on the table,鈥漌as ist lose mit Ihr鈥�? he queeried looking at me angrily (What is wrong with you?) and I replied 鈥滸arnicht herr Feld Wabel鈥� mien nummer ist auf den tish( Nothing, my number is on the table ) and I added, 鈥淓r ist krank鈥�(He is sick) the bloke at the table nearly blew up as he handed back my number plate and told me to put it back round my neck, then he pushed me to make room for the next bloke, I thought that was a stupid thing to do, drawing attention to one鈥檚 self so to speak, watch it.
And I did watch it too these Germans who were just itching for any of us to put a foot wrong, at one job a Guard was driving a horse and wagon, a flat tray type wagon and he stopped in the gate way and one of our blokes went to push through between the cart and the corner of the brick building and as he got half way the Jerry made the horse move forward and because the cart was at an angle the movement trapped and crushed the unfortunate bloke and ribs punctured his lungs, we could not prove anything but it didn鈥檛 matter because it was classed as an accident and nothing came of it, but we swore if given the chance that back stud would not see the end of the war.
On a brighter note we would work all morning then half hour break for lunch, I was a bit surprised but there we were sitting at a table with these French blokes and in the middle of the table was a big plate with boiled potatoes in their jackets, some cheese and bread, man this was the way to go. The only thing that spoilt it was the weather it was bitterly cold also one of the Guards was keeping an eye on me and one of our blokes said to me one day 鈥淵ou鈥檙e not a brickie are you鈥� and I said, 鈥淣o but don鈥檛 tell them鈥� and he said I think that Guard knows because he鈥檚 been watching you and you have left out a lot of keying in bricks.
The next day the Guard singled me out and I was taken off that Commando. But I was put on another one also to do with building but on this job I had to carry bricks in a hod and mix mortar, also gone was the midday break and the feed. The time spent in this camp is not only difficult to remember but what I can recall is, it was a misery hole. It was always cold at night and dogs were always either barking or wailing or sniffing under the boards. The days were not so bad because you could work and get warm the only trouble was, on less food and no RC parcels we were all losing weight rapidly, I could touch my mid finger with my thumb round the fat part of my arm, and when anybody got out we did not see them again, I would like to think they made it or if caught went to another camp. This was just one monotonous day after another and I was glad when somebody said there is a suggestion we are moving. There were so many miserable days in that camp my mind chooses to forget. There were some tall chimneys in the distance and if the wind blew our way there was always an unpleasant smell.
We marched out of the gate of Stalag 404 and no one had a clue where we were going, some body said we were going to a big camp near Colditz,鈥漵**t鈥� somebody added 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 get out of Colditz in a hurry鈥�.
The march was just one monotonous day after another and the Guards rode in trucks, sometimes one would walk just for the exercise and sometimes you would notice one of the Guards pointing at somebody and nudging his mate then they would have a laugh at some body limping along, one of our blokes snarled, 鈥淐ome dark I鈥檓 gone鈥� he couldn鈥檛 have been more wrong, when it got dark the truck up front had search lights on it and they looked back over the column, it also had twin machine guns mounted on the back and at the rear of the column was the same set up except the lights were directed forward.
We marched through the night and through the next day, ten minutes rest every hour, then back on one鈥檚 feet and those first few steps were murder, soon some were walking in their bare feet and when the ten minute rest came up they found the soles of their feet were just a red pulp, it got to be afternoon and it was sunny and warm and one of our blokes carrying a piano accordion said, 鈥淪tuff it I can鈥檛 take any more of this鈥� but a bloke I was good mates with used to do weights and he was also in the Argylls said, 鈥淓re give it ere鈥� and grabbed the piano accordion and slung it over his shoulder, 鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 give them back studs the the satisfaction he growled and a Jerry guard who looked more like a hungry four foot ferret than a man gave him a shove and shouted, 鈥淟ose marsh鈥�, and he did it again and five minutes later he did it again the big bloke took no notice just trudged on and wasn鈥檛 lagging so we knew the next time the little Jerry Guard came up behind him and gave him another push it was the little bloke abusing his authority as a Guard and he was deriving great satisfaction in taking it out on somebody a lot bigger than himself for a change safe in the knowledge the big bloke could not retaliate, so he did it again, but even a steel bar has its limits and when the little ferret faced Guard shoved again the big bloke turned and in so doing added momentum to the sizzling right hook he swung at the Jerry, it sounded like a meat axe chopping into a carcass as the big fist slammed into the side of the Guards head and the Guard flew two yards before hitting the ground then slid on the road until the grass verge stopped the slide, The now knocked out Guard鈥檚 head was at an odd angle and it occurred to some that his neck could be broken.
We cheered but it was suddenly cut short when there was a bang and looking from the now still Guard to where the bang came from we were just in time to see the big bloke with the piano accordion on his back sink to the ground with a hole through the back of his head.
For a second or two all was still then the German Officer who had shot the big bloke started blowing a whistle like they have at footy matches and before we could gather our wits there were Guards everywhere, and suddenly the truck with the two machine guns was there, it had quickly come up the side of the column and was on the grass verge menacing the crowd who were round the now dead big bloke, two Guards picked up the knocked out Jerry (I hoped his neck was indeed broken) and the Officer made two of our blokes drag the now dead big bloke to the side of the road and he was left there, the Officer then motioned with his pistol and snarled at us, 鈥淟ose, marsh鈥� for a tense few seconds it looked like an angry group near the German Officer were going to rush him but he was on the ball and stepped behind another P.O.W. put the pistol to the prisoner鈥檚 temple and snarled, 鈥淟os Marsh鈥� and not wanting to see another of our blokes shot we marched and the situation was defused.
The armed truck stayed put until the end of the column had passed it then it tucked itself behind the column again and crawled along behind ever watchful, and looking back all that could be seen was a mound in the grass with a khaki over coat over it.
In the distance we could make out what looked like a wooden fort and it looked like a fort one sees in western movies and as we got closer and closer we could see over the gate STALAGLAGER 4B MULEBERG.
Thank God at last we could stop walking and as we staggered through the gate and once all the column was inside we were halted and counted off to huts that were either side of the road. Once inside we got a bunk and put our meager gear on it then we were told to get ready for the showers, we were led by a German down the side of the block to what appeared to be an ablutions center, we went in and stripped and I was under this torrent of water and it was terrific, clean at last, then I noticed this bloke who was sideling up to bathers and talking and heads were shaken and I thought maybe we have a queer amongst us so I grabbed my towel or what passed as a towel and got ready to give him a nutty flick that can be very painful properly delivered, however when he got to me he whispered, 鈥淢y name is Tenny, Harry Tenny鈥� and I said that鈥檚 nice 鈥� But what is your what鈥檚 your problem?鈥�
鈥� I鈥檓 RAF鈥� he said, 鈥淎nd I want to swap places with somebody who goes out on work parties, nobody seems to be interested, you see anyone in the RAF cannot get out of the camp, and this is a good way to start, by going out on a work commando.鈥�
鈥淵ou want your head looking at鈥� I told him, 鈥� It鈥檚 not that easy, what do you think I鈥檝e been doing this last two years鈥� he replied with, 鈥淭hey are forming up out side all we need do is swap jackets and number disks鈥�, I thought what the hell in for a penny etc.
We swapped clothing and I.D. Tags and agreed any mail that came was private and would be smuggled to each other when possible, parcels would be kept so if I got a parcel from home Tenny got to keep it and vice verse.
Then the fun started or I thought it was going to be, I ran out and joined the RAF blokes out side and just in time because a Guard came and told us to fall in, he then counted us and marched us off to another hut. So it was here I got clued in as to what was happening, Tenny had explained to his mates what he was doing so I was not exactly a total stranger to them, they on the other hand were a little stand offish to begin with, well I could have been a Jerry stooge.
The bunks were three bunks high, bottom bunk, middle bunk, and top bunk I got a middle bunk, these blokes were totally different to the mob I had spent the last two years with they were Sergeants and upward but I think most Officer types were sent to an Offlag , P.o.W. camp for Officers.
One day a bloke strolls over and sits on my bunk and asked what was my mothers name, and I told him it was Annie (it actually was) but since Annie was also Tenny鈥檚 Mother鈥檚 name I was in the clear and by this time I realized they were having a go at me and as someone said later 鈥� Got to keep you on your toes old thing , what鈥�? to which I replied 鈥� Make sure nobody catches you touching yours,鈥� somebody at the other end of the hut was shouting, 鈥淭enny where is Tenny and I shouted back, 鈥淗ere鈥� 鈥渨hat is it 鈥�? 鈥淥h it鈥檚 ok old boy just checking 鈥� This lasted for a week but I was grateful to those blokes, there were times when I almost boobed. And I actually finally became Tenny.
Two bunks away on the top bunk was this tall bloke with a mop of sandy hair and a moustache, flying Officer kite type moustache he was reading a Zane Grey Western story when a bloke who was walking by suddenly stopped in mid stride and said, 鈥淕ood lord, Hawky, how are you old boy鈥� and turning to a bloke nearby 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know you had Hawsley Hill in this barracks鈥� and Hawsley Hill sounding very bored turned on his other side and continued reading and muttering 鈥淕awd, who left your bladdy cage door open鈥�, And the bloke continued with, 鈥淲hen we get back Hawky don鈥檛 forget you owe me a tenner鈥� Hawky pretended to snore.
We had a picture on the wall it was about three feet square and it was painted by a bloke by the name of Coulson and it was similar to what the Yanks had on their bombers, girls that were all legs and tight blouses. Someone requested it be taken down because of the racket that started as soon as it was lights out. But we learned later on the other side was a map and as soon as Jerry locked the door at night out would come the pins and we would trace where the Yanks were and where the Russians were, before bed all pins were removed and the sexy picture would be turned face out again to the delight of the more depraved.
Jiggeling, no not at night but during the day you would boil a tin of water and if you had an agreement with another bod he would also boil a tin of water then one of you would jiggle a tea bag so many times in one tin then so many times in the other tin and you would save this tea bag until it no longer colored the water then it was the other blokes turn to supply a tea bag and so on. Bread, you would not believe some of the systems they cooked up to make sure no one got a crumb more that somebody else, I saw it measured, weighed, sighted along, tapped to make sure there were no air pockets in it, put on a seesaw in case one end was heavier than the other.
The stove system was unique, it was built of bricks to about three feet high and it was five feet wide and eight feet long it had a door at one end to push fuel (wood) into and a quarter inch thick iron plate built in. On this iron plate which would ret red hot in the middle we would push our tins to boil or fry or cook and if a tin boiled some one would look at the tag attached to said tin and holler the number 鈥渘umber five tin boiling, and number twelve, then if no one came to claim the tins or tin it would be put to the outside of the group of tins and slowly it would work its way to the middle again.
One day some clot got a tin of Irish stew from a RC parcel and put it on the stove and he hadn鈥檛 punctured it and when it exploded with a mighty bang it scattered other tins and some blokes got burns and we had to get ladders to scrape it off the ceiling before it began to stink.
Cries of, 鈥淲hat clot forgot to puncture his pot鈥�? and 鈥淏laddy idiot鈥� and another idiot pointing and mouthing, 鈥淲izard prang old boy鈥� another was, 鈥淗ow stupid can you get?鈥� the victim, being up the ladder doing his best to remove what was left of his Irish stew from the ceiling was of course the center of attention and had to endure this ribaldry until finally he came down and sulked off to his bunk.
Grabbing a book from under his pillow he settled down to read content in the knowledge that stew would soon be in the offing from Jerry, and with a muttered, 鈥淪tuff 鈥榚m all鈥� he got engrossed in his book. Stew was issued, actually it was a change, it was sauerkraut, a kind of cabbage pickled in vinegar, I didn鈥檛 mind it I was glad of the change from the everlasting spud.
Then a bloke comes over and asked, 鈥淢ay I sit down鈥�? I said 鈥淐ertainly what are you flogging鈥� 鈥淕ood Lord no it鈥檚 nothing like that he said,鈥� and I said, 鈥淣othing like what鈥� so he said 鈥淐hrist your edgy鈥� and I said,鈥� If I was Christ I wouldn鈥檛 be here to start with and I鈥檓 always edgy what exactly is it you want? And he replied, 鈥淥ne of the blokes told me you speak German, you are the bloke who swapped with Tenny,鈥� The hair on the back of my neck began to stand up, 鈥淲hich bloke? I asked, 鈥淚鈥檓 Tenny and I haven鈥檛 swapped anything with anybody, now bugger off before I plant you.鈥� 鈥淥 k, keep you鈥檙e hair on but if you do speak German it would come in handy for some of our blokes who are thinking about getting out from one time or another鈥�
After he had gone another bloke with a pipe going like tug cruising in the Thames came cruising across, some blokes walk a little hesitant and some boldy, if h鈥檈 lucky enough to have had a bottle recently then he may stagger a little but this bloke cruised, reminded me of one of those Stephen Foster paddle steamers on the Mississippi.
So with with the pipe going at flank speed ahead he cruised up to my bunk and putting every thing in full reverse he slowed to a stop, then he took the pipe out and said,鈥� Trouble with these God awful things they make you鈥檙e eyes water if the wind鈥檚 wrong,鈥� 鈥淭hen why do you persist in smoking the God awful thing then鈥�? I queried, 鈥� Ha, ha, jolly good what鈥� he quaffed 鈥淲ell old boy actually it鈥檚 for appearances that鈥檚 all,鈥� and lowering his voice, 鈥淎ctually I came to tell you good show about Tenny, what,鈥� I said 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know what this is all about but I鈥檓 Tenny and you鈥檙e the second bloke today,鈥� 鈥淣o it鈥檚 ok old chap we know Tenny and if it鈥檚 any consolation you can rely on us to back you up , we had to run a check on you as soon as you came here, let鈥檚 face it old man you could have been a Gerry ferret, what鈥�?
Well I suppose he was right, I could have been. And I finished the debate with 鈥淚 know who you all are鈥� ( I didn鈥檛 have a clue actually)鈥� and you know I鈥檓 Tenny so If everybody is happy鈥�
And with that I walked out side just in time to hear the Jerry whistles and yelling of, 鈥淟ose appel鈥� (Hurry up it鈥檚 roll call) and we all got out side and fell in for roll call but the Jerry Guards motioned us to this building where trestle tables had been set up and there were four German Officers checking papers so we were formed into A an B queues and C and D and so on, I thought well here goes nothin鈥�, I also noted the extra Jerry Guards round the room and they did not have rifles instead they had automatic pistols.
Of course they were looking for me of this I was sure, somebody has tipped them off, Tenny has been caught and tortured. Now they would give me a going over, I was so busy thinking all this stuff when suddenly I am at the table and without blinking an eye I said 鈥淭enny Harry鈥� and gave my number plate for him to look at, then I almost fell over as he turned the page and there was Tenny鈥檚 picture looking up at me, and I thought if he winks I鈥檓 dreaming but I wasn鈥檛 dreaming and this Officer said with a bored voice, 鈥淟ose abtraiten鈥� (march away) so I 鈥淎btraited鈥� and I could not believe it, back in the barrack room I heard a voice say. 鈥淲hose the lucky boy then鈥� and another voice said, 鈥淧ack it in chaps, don鈥檛 push your luck, that could have been a sticky situation and I think Tenny handled it very well.鈥� It turned out they were looking for some free French blokes who had been doing a bit of blowing up and Jerry was not a bit chuffed to learn they could be hiding in our camp.
Hawksley Hill was laid on his back he had a pillow under his head and from his lofty perch on the top bunk he waved his magazine, 鈥淲ould you look at those!鈥� he chortled indicating a picture of a girl with what looked like two foot balls stuck up her blouse, 鈥淣ot exactly moth balls would you say,鈥� and someone came back with, 鈥淚t would have to be a bladdy big moth鈥�
Hawksly Hill turned the page this way and that and warbled, 鈥淚magine that pair o鈥� conkers in three dee鈥� and held the picture at different angles until a bloke looked over his shoulder and gasped, 鈥淥h Gawd mate, they鈥檇 poke yer bleed鈥檔鈥� eyes aht!鈥� and Hawky finally burst out with, 鈥淪ays here she is changing her sex,鈥� and the bloke answered, 鈥漎our joking!, wi鈥� a body like that鈥� what a waste鈥�.
Hawky said, 鈥淪ays here she would like to write a book鈥� and another voice suggested, 鈥� I know a good title, 鈥� From Knickers to Knackers or why be a c----t all your life!鈥� and at this there was a roar of laughter, and I felt good when I thought here we were locked up yet could still thumb our nose at the Kraut.
I was over by the wire one day and this column of disheveled pitifully thin figures came shambling by then I was joined by another of our blokes and he grunted, 鈥漅ussians, poor back studs, trust the Germans to take advantage of the fact that the Russians are not protected by the Geneva code of conduct during War time.
As a swill cart was passing by some of the more bold of the Russian P.o.W. were grabbing potatoe peelings off the cart and flinging more off so others could get some but soon there were Guards there kicking and fisting and one had a pick handle and he was laying about him with gusto soon there were Russians laying knocked out or dead, then came a Guard who we had nick name 鈥淏londie鈥� pulled out a pistol and would shoot to cripple, in the elbow or the knee, he never missed a chance to make their life even more unbearable.
Let鈥檚 face it, one could be crawling with lice, or already starving to death, can鈥檛 remember when one bathed last, and not sure when one is going to get food, and when one does food it just prolongs the agony, so eventually one gets to the stage when enough is enough.
In our case we had a saying 鈥淚f I鈥檝e got to go I鈥檓 going to take one of them with me, or two, chance would be a fine thing.
Strolling round the compound with this bloke I鈥檇 got pally with when suddenly he pointed into the sky and said, 鈥淕ood Lord, look at that鈥� and high, so high you could not see the planes, were vapor trails, we stopped and watched for a while then we could see little black dots half way down the black dots disappeared and a little later we heard the explosions and they really were giving Liepzig a pasting.
Jerry said we could use the concert hall and I strolled up there one day for a quick sticky beak and lo and behold there was the lone ranger complete with sombrero spurs and chaps and he had a mate dressed likewise. It turned out they where country western singers, and seeing as how that was one of my favorite hobbies we got talking and comparing notes. Then when they found out I was handy with my hands they asked me to make each of them a six shooter in a holster and ammo round the belt just like Tom Mix in the movies.
I did that and it really finished off the outfit, we kept the six gun bit quiet until the opening night and when they walked onto the stage the Germans who were sitting in the front row suddenly got very nervous when they spotted the Cowboy Pistols on the belts.
They had a whispered confab with the Camp Commandant who got up and asked to see one of the pistols, he had a good laugh when the bloke pulled out the butt only and handed it to him and when he saw it was made of wood and blacked with boot polish he said 鈥淯nbelievable.鈥� 鈥淚t looks so real from down there.鈥�
Jerry never left any thing to chance. Next we had a comedian, and most of his jokes were from the ark, probably Noah wrote them. I did a bit of trading and got some paints, I think they were watercolors, only because I can鈥檛 remember having any varnish or turps, and because Jerry was a bit funny about inflammable liquids.
I set to and painted the battle of Sidi Barrani from a personal point of view, it was about three foot by three foot and when it was finished I hung it on the wall and a group of our blokes used it as a dart board. Just across the room another bloke was painting a Lanc bomber his name was Coulson.
My son Richard came to see us one day in 1995 and said to me 鈥淚鈥檝e bought you a picture for your bedroom dad鈥� and would you believe it, I watched Coulson paint the original on the table opposite my bunk in 1943.
Now there were vapor trails in the sky more often and according to our map the Russians were advancing and we were getting a bit on edge, rumor had it that Hitler had given the order for all P.o.W. to be shot if the Russians got too close. We would cheer when we heard some place or other had fallen then the advance would bog down and soon all the revelry died down as well, then the Yanks would take a town or what ever and it was on again.
One day an aircraft came out of the blue, it was a long range fighter, and somebody recognized it as an American Mustang long range escort fighter, all the blokes in the compound who were playing football stopped to watch it as it swooped over the camp with a tremendous roar and a climb you wouldn鈥檛 believe, at the top of the climb it just lazily rolled over and pointed it鈥檚 nose at the footy compound were all the blokes were stood with mouths agape, suddenly somebody screamed, 鈥淗e鈥檚 attacking, scarper, take cover, take cover鈥�.
To the left of the footy compound were the ablutions, these were double brick buildings with the usual door and two windows and everybody raced toward this building and got it between themselves and the now diving plane, screaming down suddenly it looked like he had a row of kids sparklers flickering on the front edge of his wings and just as sudden bits of brick were being chipped away and dust was being kicked up as bullets( 505 cal)(about the size of ones thumb) were thudding into the ground, he roared over us and did another dive on us, all the time the blokes in the compound were jockeying for position keeping him at the other side of the building, suddenly we noticed a steam train, and it was a goods train and he had seen the aircraft and was desperately trying to make it to some woods, it was only half a mile from us so we had a ring side seat so to speak.
The train was chuffing like mad and the pilot of the plane on spotting it must have thought this was a more positive target so with a flick of the wings he changed course and screamed down on the train and soon bits were flying off the train, and we could hear bullets ricocheting as they hit metal then one of the wagons erupted, it must have had ammo in it, suddenly flames were leaping out of the other wagons and it was like Guy Fawkes night as sparks and flares could be seen and loud explosions plus a crackling noise like small arms ammo going off due to the heat and flames.
Then the attacking American Pilot concentrated on the engine and two little figures jumped out and ran for the woods the train had been making for, as clouds of steam now erupted from the strafed engine as it slowed down due to the now lost steam pressure from the engine then with a huge last gasp of steam from the engine the train came to a halt.
The two running figures had made it to the wood when another figure who had jumped out of the Guards van got up off the ground where he had been hiding and also now made a run for the woods as the American fighter plane climbed to gain height.
I still ponder why some of us held our breath and hoped the Germans, who were our enemy, would make it to the woods safely.
However the fighter Pilot either did not see him or had run out of ammo because he flew away.
The lone figure in the field staggered on and into the woods and we stood there and had a ring side seat of blazing railway wagons that burned on through the night with the odd explosion as more overheated ammo went off.
Meanwhile some bright spark had been busy and had acquired a bucket of white wash and was on the roof of one of the barracks painting P.o.W. on the roof in big letters, 鈥淣ow that鈥檚 what I call using your loaf鈥� someone remarked.
Then a blokes came out of the wash house and his face had blood on it ,鈥淢ust ave cut mesen shavin鈥� due to the rukus鈥� he said, when somebody pointed it out, 鈥淭hat don鈥檛 look like a razor cut ti鈥� me鈥� said one concerned onlooker, and when they had a perv into the wash house they found a 505 round had punched a hole through the first brick then knocked out the inside brick and carried on across the wash house brushed this blokes face just taking a bit of skin off and smashed through the window, then the hunt was on everybody wanted that round as a souvenir
But we could not find it. We had all agreed the bloke with the burn mark on his face should have it to remind him how close to eternity he had been.
About a hundred yards away there was a hole where a light pole was to be erected, a group of blokes had been digging this hole and it was about six feet deep and about two by two feet across, when the plane had finally gone I counted five blokes getting out of the hole, and I suddenly saw the humor of the situation.
Jerry has ferrets, why can鈥檛 we have moles. Sadly one of our blokes was killed out right and another wounded, two Jerry Guards were also killed, they were on a detail taking out waste to bury in the nearby field and the vehicle used looked like a gun barrel, actually it was a very long wooden barrel used only for this one purpose, unfortunately our gung ho hero in the plane did not stop to ponder, it looked like a group of blokes pulling a gun from where he sat so he cannot be condemned for doing his job. About two days later we were having a game of footy, it was a nice day and about two in the afternoon. Some blokes were just sitting around watching the game, the ball by the way was a bundle of rags wrapped round with string, one blokes gave it a hefty kick and it sailed through the wire and hit this little wood hut in this vegetable patch and fell down in among the weeds, close by was a watch tower so we waved our arms and shouted to the Guard, 鈥淐ould we get our ball?鈥�, the Guard waved ok. 鈥淕et your ball鈥� and one of my mates who I had known from Stirling Castle Aldershot, Palestine, Ciaro, the desert and Crete, got on hands and knees and putting his arm through the wire started iching the ball along so he could grasp it, mean while the Guard in the tower was watching him, and then a window in the little wooden hut opened and the blond headed Guard was suddenly leaning out of it and he had a Luger pistol in his hand and putting it to the back of my mates head pulled the trigger, the shot crashed out and for seconds we could not believe what we had seen, then a mighty roar went up as about sixty blokes run toward the shed and tried to climb the wire, whistles where blown, the Guard in the tower swung the machine gun round to face into the camp, other Guards came running and suddenly a German Officer appeared and shouted to the men to get down off the wire, as they hesitated the Officer said he would count to three then give the order to fire if there was one man still on the wire, he got to two and everybody was off the wire, the Officer then went to a gate in the wire and walked through to the shed and looked in but it was empty, then he came back and asked some of us what did the Guard look like, and when we explained what had happened he said he would look into it, mean while somebody had gone to the camp hospital and got a mobile stretcher, it had bicycle wheels on it, two blokes lifted the body onto the stretcher and covered it over with a blanket, I had to watch all this and it was like a slow motion film.
The next day at roll call when the counting was finished instead of being dismissed we were told to line up into a and b groups and c and d groups and somebody said 鈥渙h, oh鈥� they are looking for somebody鈥� eventually we shuffled closer and closer to the door into the building and once inside it was a bit warmer then word flew back to us they are checking finger prints, and here and there along the walls were posted guards with machine pistols, when I thought no one was watching I would slip back a couple of blokes and I did this quit a few times so I was working my way back to the door, then I thought one of the Guards was watching me out of the corner of his eye so I stopped doing it and decided to bluff it out but a gut feeling told me it wasn鈥檛 going to work this time. I was third from the table when all of a sudden the air raid siren sounded, everybody scattered and the Guards, caught totally unawares didn鈥檛 know whether to have a shine, shave, or a haircut.
We were out of there and long gone and I suddenly realized I was wet through with sweat and the thudding was not bombs, it was my pump going like the clappers, I sat on my bunk for a long time then everybody dived under their beds as this whistling sound got louder and whump with a hell of a bang the bomb went off and there was another big bumb 鈥渟**t鈥� some body said 鈥淭hat one didn鈥檛 go off鈥� and 鈥淚t鈥檚 in here鈥� after the raid was over somebody discovered the clock I had made had fallen off the wall the vibration from the bomb that went off slid the clock along the nail that held it and the weight of the clock bent the nail and the clock fell to the floor. By the way the clock weight was a bucket of concrete.
One day the door burst open and a load of Yanks came in and because it was winter they made straight for the stove and with cries of, 鈥淥h boy heat鈥� they started pushing through the crowd that were already at the stove, no manners the Yanks, most of our blokes thought the same, in fact one bloke voiced his opinion, 鈥淟ike bloody animals he said.鈥� and when one picked up a tin of tea belonging to one of our blokes and put it to his mouth to drink it the owner put his hand under it and tipped it up almost choking the thief, certainly wetting him all down his neck and shirt, if he had asked it would have been different, but he didn鈥檛.
It must have been a temporary stay because by lock up time they had all been moved to an enclosure of their own. So once more peace reigned, but for how long. We kept watching the map on the wall, first the Russians would move up and stop, then the Yanks would move some more and the two forces gradually crept closer to one another. There was a radio some where and no one knew where, but that was not important, the less who knew the safer it was, and some clever bod reasoned that if the radio was moved it would not be long before Jerry knew were it was, so instead the radio stayed put and the info was fed out, and the info was fed out with a bow and arrow, sounds daft but it鈥檚 true, Jerry would lock us all in at night, shutters were put over the windows and the lights would go out about nine. Dogs would be let loose in the compound and search lights would come on when least expected, but connecting each block was a brick wash house and toilets for use by the two barracks, and these had windows but no glass and Jerry did not have shutters on these windows so when it was about midnight a bloke with a bow and arrow would shoot the arrow into the next wash house which was about fifty feet away, if he missed he could retrieve the arrow and try again because tied to the arrow was some light string, also tied to the arrow was today鈥檚 news.
When read it was passed on in like manner and the last hut to get it would read and burn.
The last hut by the way was no 8, but this camp was so big there was the French section, the Russian compound, the Brits compound, the RAF compound, a political prisoners compound, and these had to be seen to be believed. The RAF compound had eight wash houses that meant sixteen huts. Then somebody sidled up to me and said 鈥淭enny鈥檚 been caught鈥�, and walked away, I made straight for my bunk and sat there wondering what to do next.
Now I knew what the mouse felt like that was caught in a box trap and could do nothing but wait for that final chop at the back of the neck.
Then the bloke with a pipe and gray hair came over and sat down, 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 look too good old son鈥� he said quietly, 鈥淛ust carry on as if nothing has happened and play it by ear, by the way Tenny was found sheltering from the rain in a shop door way in Berlin by a civvy Copper,鈥� I couldn鈥檛 believe anyone could be that stupid, but then when I stopped to think about it Templehof Airport was there, maybe he was going to nick a plane, I thought that would be right, landing just outside Rochdale the local brass band playing everybody flinging garlands of flowers round his neck, 鈥極ur Hero鈥�.
But the bloke was right don鈥檛 panic. If Tenny kept his end up he would get the cooler and I was off the hook, if not then both of us could walk the plank. Wait and see. Tenny got the cooler. About a week later I saw this Commando going out to work and lo and behold who was waving ta ta but Tenny, I waved back and thought here we go again. There was a bloke, he was one of ours but I don鈥檛 which mob he belonged to but he had got this Russian Cossack hat from somewhere it was snow white and he had on this black outfit with jackboots and spurs and he had been to a dentist in Berlin who at this blokes request had taken out a tooth slightly left of center, a perfectly good tooth, then paid the dentist extra to fit a gold tooth so now when he smiled it winked at you, somebody passed a comment, 鈥淕awd, nah ah鈥檝e seen everythin鈥欌��. 鈥淚s oss gorraway did it?鈥� yew gor any vodca mate鈥�?. News time, it was just after twelve and in the dark somebody had been waiting behind the door and heard the rattle of the arrow as it hit the wash trough straight away he dived in and got the paper off the arrow and gave the line a tug and the arrow quickly vanished over the window sill.
鈥淩ight blokes keep it down鈥� was the plea of the reader, and watch the doors, everybody settled down and the bloke read out the news quietly, then he added for those who didn鈥檛 hear get it off those who did, and good night鈥�. Always after we got some news, good or bad there were always some people who would have done it different, so arguments were tossed about until finally no one cared any more and went to sleep. Usually one would wake up to cans rattling or someone at the stove arguing his tin was there first, but what has happened to roll call? 鈥淗ey there鈥檚 no Guard in the tower鈥�. It was true there was no Guard on the tower and I ran to the front door and was just in time to see this big Sheila on a pony, 鈥楿n Fem Cossack鈥� I I did a second take and sure enough as she raced by a full gallop she had this long whip and was really living it up, it looked like a circus had hit town, she was wearing a leather jacket and crossed over her body were bandoliers of ammo, she also had a sword, and slung over her back was a carbine. Bloke near me said with a grin, 鈥淐an you imagine her standing up in Court and saying, 鈥淎h wuz raped yer 鈥榦nour鈥� she dashed out of sight then there was a commotion over the fence in the Russian compound and we strained to see, then it dawned on me if there were in fact no Guards what the hell were we doing here, but then my attention was taken again, what was going on over there and now some of the blokes were moving over to the wire to see better. God, I couldn鈥檛 believe what was happening, the Russian prisoners had found the Blondie Guard who was sleeping off the Schnapps he had guzzled the night before hiding in one of the huts, so he鈥檇 been here all the time, he was being beaten and when he put his hands up to protect his face some one grabbed and held one arm and hacked at the hand at the wrist, and there was blood every where, when it was finally hacked off they grabbed the other one they treated it in like manner, then a rope was fastened round his feet and he was hauled up on to a lamp post, his head was about five feet from the ground, the blood by now had stopped spurting from the severed wrists and was dripping, and a Russian strode forward and I thought he was giving the upside down Blondie a hug but when he stepped back he had severed the Guards head and he lifted it up for everyone to see, then he tossed it to the side of the road and urinated on it.
I thought those who live by the sword etc and on observing a poster nailed to a wooden post went over and read it, 鈥淵ou are strongly advised to stay put until your people come to get you, Russian soldiers do not recognize any uniform that is not Russian, therefore you will be fired upon if seen out of camps鈥�. I went back to my bunk and the bloke in the next bunk saw that I was getting ready to take off 鈥淲here are you going鈥� he asked鈥�? I explained what I was doing, also that when Italy packed in the war the P.o.W. just sat and waited and Jerry came and picked them up.鈥� But that can鈥檛 happen here鈥� he said. I said, 鈥淒o you want to wait and find out? that is your choice, me, I鈥檓 gone. You know what could happen when the Russians get to Berlin and the Yanks get to Berlin. It happened in Italy and it can happen again in Berlin, I鈥檓 not going to wait for it to go one way or the other. And I鈥檓 not going to spend another four years in bloody Siberia, I鈥檓 off t鈥檙a.鈥�
鈥淗ang on I鈥檓 coming with you鈥� he blurted and he hurriedly took only what was necessary, and when he paused I said 鈥渄on鈥檛 worry about shaving gear just roll a bit of soap in your flannel wrap it in your towel and stuff it in your pocket, pocket something you can eat and let get away from here, you need the towel and soap not just to wash but if you get hit, and if you want the lew go, don鈥檛 wait, because if you get hit it could make the difference whether you make it or not.鈥� 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 sound like RAF鈥� he queried, I said 鈥淚鈥檓 not, I鈥檓 a regular in the Argylls鈥� I swapped ID with Tenny and I think its ironic, he鈥檚 maybe going to be working another three months in Germany and I鈥檒l be home.
I took a long last look at the Sentry tower and we set off, now according to the map behind the picture of the pinup, the Elbe river is left of the camp so face in that direction and look to see where the sun is and we set off, we must have walked for an hour when we came upon the biggest rhubarb plant I had ever seen, suddenly shots rang out and we both ducked down into the rhubarb and very carefully I edged toward the crest of the rise and looked down into this village, a Russian soldier came out of a shop and his arms were full of crockery and a bottle in his hand, as he reached the pavement he just opened his arms and all the crockery hit the pavement with a crash, as this was happening two soldiers had a woman between them and she was crying and struggling as they crossed the street and entered a house, just to my left and almost level with me was a window with shutters and a woman leaned out to grab the shutters intending to close them I suppose, any way a Russian across the street saw the movement and brought up his tommy gun and as the woman was closing the shutters he stitched a pattern right across the window, she must have died behind the shutters, we kept well down and wriggled back out of sight of the village, then we walked some more until in the distance I recognized one of our uniforms, and as we approached suddenly a Russian soldier took aim at us but the lad in khaki pushed up the gun and made signs we were on the same side.
As we mooched around one of the Russians suddenly grabbed a half grown pig and with a razor sharp knife cut half of it鈥檚 backside off, then let it go, and I thought immediately of a fire work,鈥� light fuse and retire鈥� that pig thought it鈥檚 backside was on fire and the last we saw of it was it heading for the woods. The Russian gave the sliced bit of backside to me and so not to offend I took it and thanked him.
I didn鈥檛 know it at the time but later on I found out that place was in fact Torgau where we were told there is nothing for you here and you had better head for the American lines. So we did. The bloke with me made a small fire and grilled the meat I didn鈥檛 want any so he ate the lot then he got the runs and threw up.
We walked until we came to another village and there was no one around so we had a look into some of the houses that had open doors, in one house there was a kettle on a stove boiling itself dry so I refilled it and put it back on the stove and in one of the cupboards I found a bottle of Camp coffee, the label had an Indian with a turban holding a bottle of Camp coffee across the top was printed, 鈥榃ith chicory鈥� I said to my friend 鈥淚 wonder how long they have saved this for鈥� he thought because of the dust on the bottle maybe since the first war.
I wondered if it was safe to drink then I thought what the hell I鈥檓 sick of just water, there was also some evaporated milk unopened so we had a cup of coffee very strong and it was delicious. We went outside and a flock of geese came by my friend grabbed one and tried to wring its neck but to no avail and he had to let it go. I thought it was just as well, we had to get going we selected what might come in handy, like a box of matches and a jar of what looked like brawn in a jam jar with a sealed lid. If we heard any signs of life we ducked out of sight among the big bunches of ferns and other plants until it was safe to come out. After we had been doing this for a while we eventually left the village behind and it was not long before we came to a river.
This has got to be the Elbe. I suggested we walk along the bank and find some means of getting across, the other chap queried, 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 we just swim across?鈥�, and I explained to him that if we attempted this we could get swept down stream and some Russians or S.S. could pot us from the bank, no we must cross here, so we kept walking along the bank until we came to a barge tied up to a post on the bank. We could not find a small boat tied to it so I said, 鈥淲e ought to go further and try again鈥� , and as we were leaving a Yank voice said 鈥淗ey bud, you want some chips鈥�? and we were taken by surprise, and I thought Barker you are slipping, if that had been a Jerry with a gun you would have been long gone. Anyway we went back on board and settled down to chips fried in a pan and as I was stuffing myself with chips I noticed the coal fire burning on the wooden floor of the barge and I looked at the Yank and offered, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 going to burn right through the bottom of the barge鈥� to which with a sick grin he replied, 鈥� Now aint that a cryin鈥� shame鈥� but we ain鈥檛 gonna to watch it, we just gonna finish these鈥�, and holding up a long chip he inspected it from all angles before chomping down on it narrowly missing his fingers, 鈥淎n鈥� then we鈥檙e gone鈥�
Having finished the chips I waited for the others to finish theirs and meanwhile I had a look round the barge, it was a bit like the ones people live in on Manchester ship canal, long and narrow it was beautifully painted, more like a gipsy caravan, and I thought what a shame to burn or leave to burn something like this, but as the Yank said, 鈥淚t鈥檚 Jerry, burn it鈥�.
We had boarded the boat from the landward side but we left it on the other side and jumped into this small rowing boat that had been hidden from the bank, one of the Yanks said ,鈥淪hute there鈥檚 only one oar鈥� the other said, 鈥淣ow what? how do we get across鈥�? and I said, 鈥淪kull with one oar,鈥� the Yank looked and queried, 鈥淗ow the hell d鈥檡u do that鈥� I replied, 鈥淚 did it often back home in the river when I was a kid, come on, but you are going to have to help, grab a long bit of flat wood each and paddle like your life depends on it, if we start to drift down river we鈥檒l be like those pot ducks you see in the shooting booth at the fairground.
We pushed away from the side of the barge and straight away the current got the boat but with me at the back skulling like mad and the others paddling with their bits of wood and some times missing so that we would be drenched with water a few times but gradually they got better and we were keeping the little boat level with the opposite bank which now was getting closer and my hands were getting sore but we persevered until finally we could reach out and grab at weeds growing on the bank.
Thankfully we all got out and now we had to get our bearings, we let the boat go and it swiftly disappeared down river as if it was late for a date.
We then set off and walked a couple of miles when we came upon a group of houses, going to the nearest house I knocked on the door and I saw the curtain move so I knocked again and after a little wait the door opened and this lady appeared, 鈥� Bitte entschuldigung, aber wo ist ihre Burgermiester鈥� (Please excuse me but were is your Mayor.) I asked her, and in good English she replied 鈥淚 worked in a Hospital in Birmingham before the war鈥� and we don鈥檛 have anyone in charge here but if I were you I would go over to that shed and you will find lots of hay in there, bury into it in case someone comes and I will bring you something to eat and drink but keep quiet because I have seen S.S. troops moving about in those woods over there and she nodded with her head towards the woods about half a mile away, then she asked, 鈥淲hich camp are you from鈥�? and suddenly I was wary again.
We got settled into the shed and decided we would stay the night and the others didn鈥檛 have a clue so I said ok we split up the watch, 鈥淚 ain鈥檛 doin鈥� no watchin鈥� 鈥� said one Yank, but the other Yank said, 鈥淣o the Limy is right if we get caught we get dead, ok 鈥� to me he said 鈥淥k so what鈥�? and I said, 鈥� We can get caught just as easy outside as in here but in here we are warm in the hay, we need sleep, and we are out of the rain, now if that woman is genuine all we have to do is make it to morning, we do an hour each, but one of us at all times must keep watch to ensure no one creeps up on this shack,鈥� then the bloke who was peering through a crack in the door whispered, 鈥淭hat broad鈥檚 coming鈥�, and when she arrived she said through the door, 鈥淒on鈥檛 come out, you don鈥檛 know who is watching and I always come with this bucket for fire wood,鈥� Then opening the door she stepped into the shed and in the bucket were some sandwiches and a pot of tea, and I mean real tea. She then piled sticks of wood into the bucket making sure they could be seen sticking out of the top and backing out she closed the door and our bloke on the door said, 鈥淪he has gone in now and closed her door鈥�.
It was nice and warm and it was not long before I was trying to keep my eyes open, suddenly one of the Yanks said, 鈥淟isten, that is a Jeep engine鈥� and sure enough as I peeped through the crack in the door I could see the Jeep in the distance coming along the dirt road, one of the Yanks made to go out but I held the door tight 鈥淲ait鈥� I said 鈥淭hey could be Jerry鈥� but the Yank was heavier than me and he pushed me out of the way and ran toward the jeep, two figures in the back sprang to their feet and trained guns on the running Yank, the Jeep stopped and the Yank was showing his dog tags and motioning toward us, we also had come out and the woman came out of her house, the bloke in charge of the Jeep said 鈥淲e鈥檒l take our two boys but you two will have to make you鈥檙e own way back to our lines, here take this to keep you going till you get there鈥� and with that he slung us a K ration pack each and roared off in the jeep.
We got back into the hay and went straight off to sleep but I made sure we were at the back of the shed so if anyone came in and started sticking sharp things into the hay the would not reach us . In the morning we went over to the house and thanked the lady and she flushed with pleasure, 鈥淢ay we use you鈥檙e pump鈥� and as we washed she brought out a towel and a little packet of sandwiches each as we washed up. Take the towels and use them when you wash in a stream or pond and good luck. We said our thanks and good byes and set off through the wood.
We had been going for about an hour when I spotted a bike leaning against a tree. It was like the tall bikes most Coppers at home used to ride, tall frame, carrier on the back step at the back axle, three speed, I looked up to Heaven and said, 鈥淭hanks鈥� but I think he was out for the day.
Anyway I looked around and there he was, the bloke who owned the bike was mowing the clover in the field and since he was eight hundred yards away, he would have a lot of catching up to do. As I got hold of the bike the RAF bloke looked a bit shocked,鈥� You鈥檙e not going to pinch his bike鈥�, I said, 鈥淛ust watch me鈥� 鈥淏ut you can鈥檛 do that鈥� he pleaded, and I replied 鈥淟ook we are in Germany, that bike will help to get us out of Germany and the bloke who owns the bike was one of those who put Hitler in power, his vote anyway, but if you want to walk ok but I鈥檓 off and getting onto the bike I was about to push off when he said, 鈥淚 suppose your right鈥� but I can鈥檛 stand on that thing鈥� pointing to the step, so I said, 鈥淥k, you get on the front and pedal and I鈥檒l get on the step鈥�.
We managed to get going and we went for miles as he pedaled along at a leisurely pace and I stood with one foot on the step and the other leg kneeling on the carrier behind the seat, I bet when that bloke finished reaping in the field he would blow his top.
鈥淲eers鈥檓e bike? Shizer und donner wetter noch mal! ( S** and Thundery weather again )
Well it had to happen! The bike had no pump and because of the extra weight on the back wheel when matey who was pedaling like the clappers ran over the roots of a tree sticking up in the road the back tire got pinched and went flat, from then on it was too painful on the knee to continue so we slung the bike and walked, and up a head was a bend in the road and just as I heard the sound of engines it was too late to dive to the side of the road because they had already seen us, a forest of guns swung our way and we put up our hands and the motorized column stopped and we were beckoned to advance, as we got nearer we could make out they were Yanks and maybe a couple of our blokes, they wanted to know what we were doing here and I explained we had just got out of Stalag 4B .鈥�
鈥淥K鈥� they said, 鈥淏ut watch it because there are still some armed SS in these woods, if you follow this road where we have just come along it will take you to an air strip go there and stay put ok鈥�
鈥淥k and thanks,鈥� we replied then one threw down two K rations,鈥漇ee yus aroud bud鈥�, and banged on the top of the lid and with a roar off they went. We had gone quarter of a mile and I noticed the RAF bloke looking at me kind of funny and I thought what鈥檚 eating him now when he chortled, 鈥淲e are now free as birds and for the next fifty yards we cavorted and danced and yelled, 鈥淲e鈥檙e bloody free.鈥�
As we got nearer to the end of the wood a Jeep with one bloke in with pips on his shoulders came up to us and stopped and the bloke asked what we were doing here, 鈥淵ou could get shot just wandering around, there are still a lot of SS wandering about I鈥檓 a bit surprised you got through without mishap.鈥� I told him we had seen the American armed column and they had suggested we kept walking in this direction, but we had seen no one else.
I told him we were not tourists but we were ex P.o.W. and we wanted to get to the American or preferably the British lines, he asked us to jump into his jeep , we did and he turned it round and we soon were on this air strip and he asked us to get out and stay on this very spot and wait.
He also told us that Lancaster bombers were ferrying people like us to France so stay put and you are at the front of the queue for tomorrow, I asked him do we stay here all night?, he said if you go some were else to sleep someone will get your place so stay put if you want to be first away, and stay away from those people, and he pointed to a group of about a thousand skinny figures in black and white pajamas, some were trying to stay standing, others were laid down, some were busy picking and killing lice from their clothing, some were dying, some were dead.
The bloke told us the Americans have just brought these people here from the gas chambers We were there about an hour when this bloke comes across from the control tower and he asked us who we were and how long had we been here, we explained and he said you won鈥檛 be going any where today we鈥檝e just had a message no more air movement till tomorrow, then in the distance we saw this DC3 coming in and the bloke looked through his binocs and said it looks like Tedder鈥檚 plane we are expecting him, he won鈥檛 take you, you will have to wait till tomorrow .
The plane landed and two figures got out and one had binocs and we could see we were being looked at, then the other figure came jogging over and he was a Sergeant, and he asked who we were, we again explained and he said come with me, and he led us over to the plane, the other figure turned out to be Air Marshal Tedder, 鈥淣ow what are you two lads up to鈥� he queried with a friendly grin? And we explained again, and at the end he asked the Sergeant to get us something to eat and added, 鈥� While you are doing that, I鈥檓 going over to get that clock for my front room鈥� and he pointed to a huge clock in the distance, must have been a joke because due to the size of the clock he would have needed a crane to lift it
When he got back he was coming into the plane as the Sergeant was bringing in two plates of ham and eggs from the galley,鈥滸od鈥� he said to the Sergeant, 鈥淒on鈥檛 give them that muck I don鈥檛 want them to be sick on my carpet, do them a glass of milk each and whisk an egg in it and add a splash of Johny Walker, that鈥檒l hold them till we get back to base.
So we set off and I鈥檓 looking out of the window watching the ground wizz by, then somebody was gently shaking me awake, 鈥淲e are nearly there鈥� and I thought I鈥檇 fallen asleep turning the handle on the tottie riddler. But it was for real, Tedder picked up a phone and issued instructions to the Pilot who circled this huge building, then he said to us, 鈥淗ave a look at this鈥� and pointed to this building that had really been shot up, and he continued, 鈥� The Jerries really put up a fight in that building.
We landed at Reimes in France and I was taken to a tent and the other bloke into another tent. It wasn鈥檛 till later that it occurred to me they had done this to interrogate us separately in case we weren鈥檛 who we said we were.
Also a telegraph form to let my folks know where I was, plus a form to fill in to inform the people at the War Office what theatres of war I had operated in, then I was taken to a delousing station and showers, I was told to strip leave everything and go through the shower, having done this I was issued with clean battle dress, shirt, etc, the only thing I had were the disks round my neck to remind me of a nightmare.
The next day I wandered around and was told, 鈥淪tay near your tent because you could be called any time,鈥� The following day a group of us were taken to the airstrip and we got into the bomb bay of a Lancaster and it was great to know we would soon be in England, till some idiot said, 鈥� I hope he doesn鈥檛 forget himself and order, 鈥淏omb doors open鈥� I looked round and grabbed hold of a bracket sticking out and didn鈥檛 let go until the plane had landed.
When we got out on impulse I dropped on my knees and rubbed my face in the grass and a Nurse came running toward me and I said, 鈥淪orry, I just got carried away, but she had tears in her eyes and sniffed, 鈥淥h no, don鈥檛 apologize, that was so beautiful, welcome home hero, she put her arm round my shoulders then I was close to tears, I was not alone, other blokes were unashamedly crying and some had relatives to greet them, and there were news reel blokes and cameras clicking I was glad to get away from it all and sit quiet.
The Nurse took me over to a table and an Officer asked many questions, I can鈥檛 remember what about but there were lots of tables and Nurses and blokes asking questions, it was overwhelming.
Then we were taken to #100 reception camp Buckinghamshire, this was a big mansion turned over to the Government for the War I suppose, and I was shown into a dormitory with beds with snow white sheets, and somebody informed me, 鈥淎t meal times you will hear the bell, if you don鈥檛, or you don鈥檛 feel like eating you can go to the kitchen any time night or day and make a sandwich there is always a urn of hot tea on the stove, there is a library down there and if you would like to you can go sit by the river鈥�
I plumped for the river so I could sit and sort myself out. It is very hard to explain to someone how for four years you have been mentally and physically abused every day, The Russians closed in, fortunately the threat was never carried out but we weren鈥檛 to know that, then suddenly all this kindness.
I think one Scottish Gentleman put it rather aptly, 鈥淵e cannie poot bile鈥檔 watter en tae ah cauld gless鈥� 鈥淓t wull shatter the gless鈥�.
I thought that summed up our position rather well.
I set off down the stairs and out of the front door and walking across the lawn and two bods with a ball came strolling over and one asked me, 鈥淐oming for a game of footy鈥� I shook my head and looked around to see if there was a wooden shed with a little window in it, and there were no Guard towers, no barbed wire, just beautiful trees, flowers, and green grass, and it was quiet.
From there I went home. Tenny came home about three months later, at his wedding we exchanged our P.o.W. number tags back again, and with a grin said, 鈥淭hanks鈥�. Those are some of the things I remember today.
2982252 Pte Tom Barker. 1st A&SH. WW2 P.O.W.

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