大象传媒

Anyway I took my seven days leave in Coventry and what do you know, my big brother-in-law Joe was also on draft leave. Where was he going? You鈥檝e guessed it, Australia, to join the aircraft carrier 鈥楬.M.S. Unicorn鈥� and he doesn鈥檛 want to go! Isn鈥檛 fate cruel?

We had a good leave together, but my sister didn鈥檛 like him going out drinking with me and commented that it was a good thing that I wasn鈥檛 going to 鈥楢ussie鈥� with him!

Joe was a fine fellow, but he had the bad habit of cigarette smoking, he was a heavy smoker in fact and because of the war they were always hard to get. This was a problem for Joe 鈥� and this is the meat of the little story I鈥檓 about to relate.

You see, I could get plenty in R.N.B. because naval ratings are issued with a ration of cigarette tobacco every month. In the barracks there is a cigarette-making machine and for the small sum of 2/- (10p) the matelot in charge of the machine would turn your loose tobacco into cigarettes, two boxes, two hundred in a box.

Luckily I was stationed in Portsmouth and Joe at Lee-on Solent (where they didn鈥檛 have a cigarette machine), so we arranged that when we got back off leave I would have two boxes made and smuggle them out of barracks and Joe would get his 鈥楩AGS!鈥� As one may realise this sort of thing is not strictly legal, a serious naval crime in fact, but I was just a 鈥楤ig Head鈥� trying to impress his big brother-in-law!

We returned to our depots after the embarkation leave, having previously arranged to meet in 鈥楶ompey鈥� the following Tuesday evening; everything was in place for the big scam 鈥� so I thought! More explanation is needed here:

When a rating returns to his barracks, whether it be off leave, from a ship or shorebase, he is issued with a 鈥楽tation Card,鈥� this being his I.D. card during his stay there. On the card is a statement saying which part of the ship he is. This may be confusing, but it is an important part of the tale. My card stated that I was 鈥�2nd Part Port.鈥� The other parts of the ship being 1st Part Port, 1st Part Starboard and 2nd Part Starboard. This made four parts of ship, each part having one night鈥檚 duty in every four, leaving the other three nights free for shore leave in town.

Here comes the rub! Yes folks, this Tuesday, the evening I鈥檓 supposed to meet Joe, I鈥檓 duty watch. Well I can鈥檛 let Joe down can I? So I use the system of having one of the 鈥極ppo鈥檚鈥� in the mess who is not going ashore that evening to stand in for me in case the duty watch is called out. This is unofficial of course, with dire consequences for all, if the ruse goes wrong, but this didn鈥檛 worry me or the guy standing in for me 鈥� hadn鈥檛 we done this dozens of times before? More explanation!

Before being allowed out of barracks on a night鈥檚 shore leave, a naval rating must go through the ritual of 鈥楲iberty Boat鈥� inspection. The men going ashore parade in front of the 鈥極fficer of the Watch鈥� and his duty P.O. who check to see if everyone is in full dress uniform, (a credit to the 鈥楰ing鈥檚 Navy鈥� and especially for the girls ashore!) and during the war the gas mask and case was considered a part of the serviceman鈥檚 uniform and was to be carried at all times! What does clever clogs do? He takes the gas mask from its case and replaces it with four hundred cigarettes, stupid really wasn鈥檛 it? There I am ready to carry out an act of smuggling contraband cigarettes out of R.N.B. just for Joe and his 鈥楩ags.鈥�

Off I march from the 鈥楽ignal School鈥� across the Parade Ground, which is easily five hundred yards in length, to fall in with the rest if the 鈥楯acks鈥� for the 4.30pm liberty boat. We stand in line, waiting for the Duty Officer and his P.O. and they, with all the pomp and ceremony of the 鈥楥hanging of the Guard鈥� walk through the ranks, closely inspecting us, making sure we were properly dressed, 鈥榮hipshape鈥� and clean shaven! It was all important that we had to be a credit to our uniform, because it was representative of our 鈥楰ing and Country.鈥� In those days that鈥檚 what it was all about 鈥� Patriotism!

After the inspection the officer and his minion returned to the front of the parade, after a few words together the office faced the men and yelled, 鈥淥n Gas Masks!鈥� This was a command carried out in war-time on unsuspecting ratings to check and see if their masks were in good working order! With the command ringing round the parade ground and the liberty boat men delving into their cases struggling to get their masks on, there I stood, with the mother of all 鈥楶anic Attacks鈥� pounding in my chest, trying to keep calm!

What was I to do? With four hundred cigarettes in my gas-mask case, how was I going to get out of this mess? After the panic in my mind receded, my overpowering thought was to be away from there. While the rest of the parade was in a confused state, because of the sudden order of the officer, in sheer terror I decided to make a dash back to the 鈥楽ignal School.鈥�

I don鈥檛 know whether it was the complete surprise of my action, or the confused state in the ranks of the liberty men, probably both, but I was almost halfway across the parade ground before I heard the P.O. calling in the distance, 鈥淪top that man!鈥�

Two naval policemen started the chase, calling me to halt. When one thinks about it, it may have been the craziest thing seen in R.N.B. for years, because all the matelots witnessing the event were falling about with laughter and cheering like mad, enjoying the whole episode. This somehow spurred me on and I managed to get to the Signal School before my pursuers. I got to the Mess Deck and sat down with my fellow mess-mates, who were having their tea. There I sat, completely drained of all energy, waiting for these two naval cops to yak me out of my seat and frog march me back to the Guard Room.

Fortune smiled on me that evening because within seconds, onto the mess deck they pounded, searched along the messes and when they reaches ours, all the guys had their heads down in their tea, me included and they completely missed me. My relief was overwhelming when the cops gave up the chase and left 鈥� but Joe still hadn鈥檛 got his 鈥楩ags鈥� yet!

After taking all sorts of abuse from the boys on how stupid I had been, one of them remarked that if I still had the station card, why didn鈥檛 I go ashore on the free gangway at 5pm? Being new to Pompey barracks, I knew nothing about this routine. It was that, at 5pm, all one had to do was walk up to the gate house, present one鈥檚 station card to the P.O. at the gate and walk out to freedom! After the trauma I had suffered during the last hour, I couldn鈥檛 believe it, Joe may get his fags after all!

Off I bravely went again, over the parade ground I marched to the main gate with someone else鈥檚 station card and my gas-mask still full of cigarettes, expecting that at any moment I would be jumped on from the rear by the Naval Patrol, but no, all went well for me.

I handed in the station card and calmly walked through the gate to freedom. The relief of the tension was so lifting I very nearly jumped in the air with joy, but that would have been silly. With my luck, the cigarettes would have spilled all over the ground outside the barracks gate and with every cop in Pompey swarming all over me, I鈥檓 sure Joe鈥檚 fags would have been doomed.

Now to Fratton Park to meet my illustrious brother-in-law, more than half an hour late.

鈥淲here have you been?鈥� he growled.

鈥淥h balls鈥� I replied, 鈥淚鈥檝e been held up at the barracks!鈥� Not mentioning the trauma and the fear I had suffered during the last hour. I couldn鈥檛 tell him anyway, him being a Petty Officer and the clever one in the family. He would have kicked me around the backside and called me an 鈥榚ffing鈥� idiot for even trying such a stunt!

鈥淗ave you got my bloody fags?鈥� was his only comment.

鈥淵ou bastard鈥� I thought, 鈥淎ll you are thinking about is your rotten fags!鈥�

鈥淵eah鈥� I said, 鈥淣ow let鈥檚 go and have a drink!鈥�

鈥淗ang on鈥� he countered, 鈥渨e eat first.鈥�

鈥淥h God鈥� I thought, 鈥渢his is going to be some run ashore, as any matelot knows, we drink first and eat after the pubs are closed. If they can stand up that is!

鈥淚 know where there鈥檚 a good little caf茅 that has steak and chips on the menu for special customers and I鈥檓 one of those people, so come on.鈥�

鈥淲hat a big head鈥� I thought, 鈥淗e must be joking, it鈥檚 just got to be horse meat!鈥�

Down the road we go to this special place of Joe鈥檚 and sure enough he is greeted like a long lost son by a huge Greek. In fact, I thought the guy was going to throw plate in honour of our presence! Just an emotional Greek I suppose, or was he just after our money?

After this heart rending display we sat down to our steak and chips, help down with a bottle of 鈥榬ed plonk.鈥� Joe certainly surprised me, after all we were in England and this little caf茅 was an oasis in the desert of a rationed country.

Maybe, all things considered, this was worth the trauma of the last two hours. In fact I was so pleased with Joe鈥檚 effort, I had a rush of blood and offered to buy his beer for the rest of the evening! Actually I know I was in safe territory here, because he wasn鈥檛 a big drinker. His only vice was his 鈥楩ags.鈥�

When our feast was done, off we went to find a pub with a piano, where we could have a drink and a good old sing song. This was the normal run ashore for the men of the armed forces and it used to be great, ecstatic sometimes, as the songs matelots sang turned the air blue and civilians loved it especially the ladies 鈥� more so the ladies! The time passed quickly and the happy Jacks, with great reluctance on their part, would be thrown out at closing time (10pm) to find a place to eat, or return to barracks and their hammocks.

Me 鈥� I was quite merrily drunk and didn鈥檛 care where we went, but Joe, as the reader may have guessed, walked out of that bar as straight as a guardsman and as sober as a judge. Disgusted with me as usual, he barked, 鈥淐ome on stupid! I鈥檓 taking you back to barracks.鈥� He poured me into a taxi and back to R.N.B. we went. Stopping the cab about fifty yards from the main gate, making sure I was properly dresses, he pushed me towards the gate house saying, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 as far as I go and the best of luck鈥� Joe had got his fags and he didn鈥檛 want to be involved with me any more this night. After all he was a Petty Officer wasn鈥檛 he!

I stumbled into the gate house to retrieve my station card and on being asked my name by the P.O. on duty, I gave my own name and not the name on the station card! An evil grin beamed on the face of the Petty Officer, the look that said 鈥楪otcha.鈥� He called 鈥楪uard!鈥� and within seconds I surrounded by naval patrolmen and was charged with breaking out of ship, trying to break into ship by using a false station card and being drunk in the King鈥檚 Uniform!

鈥淭hat鈥檒l keep you quiet for a few months,鈥� the P.O. giggled.

The Officer of the Watch was called to hear the charges made against me, he remanded me to the Division Officer鈥檚 report and I was hauled to the cells for the night! Next morning it was 鈥榦ff caps鈥� in front of the Division Officer to be 鈥榳eighed off鈥� (sentenced). Being so obviously guilty, when I was asked by the D.O., 鈥淲hat did I have to say?鈥� With trembling lip 鈥� not mentioning Joe鈥檚 鈥楩ags鈥� 鈥� I told a tear-jerking story of two naval brothers having a farewell meal and drink before being parted for the duration. Drafted to opposite ends of the world! Joe to Australia and me to Canada. By the time I had finished my tale of woe, everyone in the room was full of tears! Anyway, whether the Division Officer believed me, or took pity on me, I don鈥檛 know, but the outcome was I was sentenced to 鈥楾en days No. 11鈥檚鈥� which meant I had virtually got away with it, because this punishment was very light really, I only had to do extra work in the galley during the evenings.

Thankfully I never did see Joe again until he was de-mobbed from the navy in 1947. Joe and his fags went to Trinkamalee in Ceylon (Sri-Lanka) to pick up his ship 鈥楬.M.S. Unicorn鈥� and sail on to Australia to join the Pacific Fleet and me to Londonderry, Northern Ireland to join 鈥楬.M.C.S. Assininoine鈥� transfer to the Canadian Navy and sail into the 鈥楤attle of the Atlantic.鈥�

Joe and his 鈥楩ags鈥� will never be forgotten, because the poor guy died of cancer in the late 1970鈥檚. I suppose there鈥檚 a message in this story somewhere!

Is it 鈥� 鈥楽moking Kills!鈥�

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