大象传媒

BIRDIE AND THE LOBSTERS

In September 1938 the ship in which I had been serving was paid off and we were in barracks awaiting further drafting. The winds of war had begun to blow and ships that had been inreserve, most of them in low care and maintenance, were being reactivated. To keep us gainfully occupied I, along with a few others, were sent to the dockyard as care and maintenance crew for ships in reserve lying alongside. As we were few in number and only one ship鈥檚 galley was working for all the destroyers tied up alongside each other we were on canteen messing. The fact that there was no canteen seemed to have escaped the notice of the powers that be. Here I must digress to explain this peculiar anomaly.

The Navy feeds, or as the term goes,鈥漋ictuals鈥�, the ship鈥檚 companies in different ways depending on the size of the ship or in some cases surrounding a ship鈥檚 situation. In Cruisers and above the term 鈥淏roadside messing鈥� was used. In this method there is a central galley where all the cooking is done by professional cooks.

The officers have a separate galley where their food is processed. Broadside refers to the way the individual messes are laid out. Long tables normally sit 鈥渂roadside鈥� in the ship and depending on the number of men in the mess the number of tables allocated can vary, but it is rarely more than two. The members of the mess share an affinity, that is, the stokers have a mess, the communication people have a mess and so on. These messes can be on different decks depending on the ship.

The food for a mess is allocated based on numbers and the galley staff issues the food to a couple of members of the mess who take it below where it is shared. Then there was, I say was, because this system has thankfully died, Canteen Messing. This was truly a botched up system where the supply ship or depot supplied certain basics such as meat and vegetables. A very small money allowance was given to each man carried in the mess and by pooling this all other food was purchased. Despite it鈥檚 gross inefficiency this system persisted in Destroyers and smaller ships until at least the end of the war.

It was totally inefficient because on many occasions there was no supply ship or base available and the pitifully small allowance never covered the main meal requirement from commercial outlets. We were constantly under funded and found ourselves having to subsidize out of our own pay the amount necessary to make up the difference. It was necessary for one person in the mess to coordinate and be responsible for the purchasing of the basics to make a meal. No one wanted the job so it was assigned on a day to day basis. It doesn鈥檛 take much imagination to see the disasters this led to on many occasions.

We struggled along getting a ration of meat, some green vegetables, if available, and potatoes (which usually stank) from the dockyard stores. With this we could put together a main meal at noon but for breakfast and supper we were strictly on our own. There were twelve of us scattered between the ships, one or two from each branch. We all gathered in one mess on one of the destroyers for eating and sleeping.There was no heat and the moisture from cold condensation ran down the steel bulkheads. The situation was ridiculous and if this kind of treatment was handed out today it would make national headlines and someone would suffer, that is, if anyone would believe it and I still find difficulty believing it myself.

On one occasion, it was Saturday, we had our midday meal some hours before and now we had to think about supper. We had purchased some corned beef in tins, some tinned sausages and that good old navy staple,tinned Pilchards. None of these appealed to the majority so we had to think of something else. One of the members of the group was a signalman called 鈥淏irdie鈥� Wing. In the Navy an artful dodger is known as a 鈥淏ird鈥�. This signalman both by his name and character was well named. He should have had three good conduct badges, which would normally have been awarded to him over his fifteen years plus of service. He had none, in fact it was his proud boast that he had never had one they could take away, which was a common practice with those that transgressed.

He was a big man, with the most devilish laughing blue eyes I had ever seen. He dressed immaculately even in our present sordid surroundings and in the tales I had heard there was not a signal staff on any ship who wouldn鈥檛 welcome him. Apparantly at his job he was the best. He came up with the suggestion that we should have lobsters. He knew a fishmonger. Who, on Saturday, cleared out his stock of lobsters at half price. We thought it was a great idea so we all chipped in the amount he said he would need and he went. It was raining and getting dark. The rain hadn鈥檛 let up all day and as he set off it seemed to get even worse.

In Devonport and Plymouth the streetcars or trams as they were called were the main means of transportation. They passed right outside the dockyard gates making it easy to get around. One problem however was that the top deck of some of them had no roof. Anyone riding up there was exposed to the elements and on a night like this it was misery. Birdie picked up the streetcar right outside the gates and went to go inside. Some idiot without regard for the weather had put a roofless car on service. The conductor said,鈥漇orry we are full up, you will have to ride on top鈥�. Birdie gave a resigned shrug and went to climb the stairs when suddenly he stopped,鈥滺ey,鈥� he said to the conductor, 鈥淭here is a dog in there on a seat.鈥� The conductor pointed out that the owner had bought an animal ticket and the rules were it had to ride on a seat. 鈥淏ut,鈥� protested Birdie, 鈥淚 am the only one that needs a seat surely鈥�.鈥� He didn鈥檛 get any farther,鈥滶ither go upstairs or get off.鈥� Birdie did not have much choice. If he got off he would be standing in the rain for fifteen minutes waiting for the next streetcar but if he went upstairs he would be at his destination in that time. He went upstairs. When he arrived at his destination he was soaked.

He bought the twelve lobsters all alive and kicking and carried them out in the basket provided by the fishmonger. He knew the terminus was only a little way further on so he walked through the still pouring rain to where the streetcar started it鈥檚 round trip. He got onboard and bought a ticket for himself and twelve animal tickets. Under the astonished gaze of the conductor he proceeded to put a lobster on each seat with a ticket jammed in it鈥檚 claw. The conductor protested,鈥漎ou can鈥檛 do that.鈥� Birdie looked down at hime,鈥漈ry and stop me.鈥� The conductor looked him up and down and decided he had better get going. He rang the bell and the streetcar started out for it鈥檚 first stop which was outside a cinema. The performance had just finished and the queue in the pouring rain was very long.

When the streetcar there was a concerted rush to get on but Birdie, standing on the platform made sure that only the number to fit the empty seats were allowed into the bottom deck. When he reached this number he physically blocked the entrance for anyone else and pointed upstairs. It didn鈥檛 take long for someone to spot the lobsters and the riot started. The riot was mainly among the queue outside as the limited space at the entrance permitted only two people to be on the platform and it seems there weren鈥檛 two people prepared to try and physically remove Birdie.

The police car with Birdie and the lobsters arrived on the dock. The two policemen came onboard with Birdie and it was from them we got the story. It was only by promising him a ride home had they managed to convince Birdie to collect up his lobsters. While Birdie was boiling the lobsters the two policemen had an illegal tot of rum. As they told the story they laughed until the tears came and we had difficulty getting the full story. They said they would dine out on this story for the rest of their lives.

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