Navigating pregnancy after miscarriage: How to support a loved one
Have you heard of the term rainbow baby? It’s used for parents expecting a child after losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. It was coined to represent the arrival of joy after this loss. But it can still be a very confusing and difficult time for those expecting another child after losing one.
So how can you support a loved one through their pregnancy if they have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth in the past? Ruth Bender Atik is the National Director of the Miscarriage Association, providing support to those who have experienced this. She joined Woman’s Hour to share her advice on how to best support a loved one navigating a pregnancy after a miscarriage.
1. There may be a mix of emotions
“For many people who are pregnant after a previous loss, as much as they're looking forward to their rainbow baby, they're also fearful that things might still go wrong. Women can sometimes feel very guilty about having that mixture of positive and negative thoughts. Especially if people around them are saying: “Well, you're pregnant so just don't think about what happened before. Just look forward.”
“It's almost a message that if you don't feel terribly positive, you might be damaging your pregnancy in some way. Of course, that just isn't the case. It's really normal to feel anxious even until you've got your baby in your arms.”
2. People deal with these emotions differently
“I think it's helpful to let them know that you're really pleased for them and happy for them. But it's also helpful to say something like: “I could imagine this doesn't take away from how you felt about the baby you lost. I imagine you might still be feeling a bit anxious about this... or maybe not.” That way you let them know that you're aware of the kind of feelings they might have without assuming anything.
“Everyone has their own feelings and their own ways of dealing with stuff. One of the things that we find particularly in our online forum, is that there are lots of people who join the forum and never ever post. It's just helpful for them to read what other people are saying, because it makes them feel less alone.”
3. Don鈥檛 forget the significant dates as time passes
“People so often feel that once the loss has happened and a couple of weeks have gone by, people expect you to be over it and that you won't think about it again, especially if you have another pregnancy.
“So yes, remember those dates. Remember, and this might sound complicated, that for some women being pregnant and having their rainbow baby is also a stark reminder of the baby they didn't have. And they have that ambivalence because it can feel like they shouldn't be having this baby, they should be having the baby they lost. So it can be quite complicated.”
4. Try to support partners too
“I think guilt is something that we're just brilliant at. We do it all the time. So if we're pregnant and something goes wrong and we miscarry, we think: “It must have been something I did or didn't do.” Especially if there's no obvious cause. And partners can feel that too. Men might feel there's something wrong with them. Female partners can also feel that perhaps they didn't offer enough support.
“Quite often, a partner feels that they need to be the strong, silent and supportive one because they're not the one who went through the physical loss. But that doesn't mean that they don't feel a sense of loss and sadness and grief and maybe just anger. So if nobody thinks to ask them how they're doing, they can feel very alone with their feelings.”
Find more information and support here:
Listen to the full interview with Andrea Catherwood on 大象传媒 Sounds, where you can also listen to any other episodes you may have missed. Follow us and join the conversation on or @bbcwomanshour.
