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How do you show your child that you love them? Is it through gifts, words or hugs?

We all show and receive love in different ways. But it’s easy, as a parent, guardian or caregiver, to get swept up in work, school, chores, extra-curricular activities... and miss the cues our children are giving about how they want to be loved.

You know you love the child in your life, but how can you make sure your child knows it?

Child and Educational Psychologist and founder of Mellownest, Dr Nneka Ikeogu, joined Krupa Padhy on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to discuss the five ‘love languages’ created by Dr Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages, why they are important in parenting, and how we can use them to show our children that we love them.

What are the five ‘love languages’? And how can you use them to show love to your child?

“This is about more than just praise,” says Nneka. “Instead, think about how you can comment on their physical features or aspects of their personality, for example: ‘I love your smile.’ ‘You are so thoughtful and helpful.’ Or commenting on something you notice them doing, such as helping a friend who is upset or sharing something with a sibling.

“A lovely way of doing this for older children is to leave notes somewhere they can find them, such as on their pillow or bedside table at night for them to find in the morning, in a coat pocket, or in a lunch box so they see it when they’re at school."

“Simply buying and giving gifts doesn’t really capture this one,” says Nneka. “This is all about giving gifts other than on special occasions. These don’t have to be huge, expensive gifts.

“To speak in this ‘language’, your gift giving has to say: ‘I know you really well.’ So, the best gifts are those that have some sentimental value or are a reminder of a special time. Give homemade vouchers for things like their favourite meal or an extra story at bedtime, or just wrap up even the simplest of things and present it as something special.”

“This one is natural for parents who are always doing things for their children,” says Nneka. “But part of this is also about teaching children to do things for themselves.

“So, think about helping them to do things they’d like your help with, whether that’s helping with homework or helping them to learn a new skill, such as learning their lines for a performance or being in goal while they practise taking penalties. But it can also look like just doing things for them that are nice for them: Giving their pillows an extra fluff at night or doing a chore they would normally do, such as tidying their toys away.”

“This is all about giving your child your undivided attention, so not being on your phone or doing anything else when spending this time with them,” says Nneka. “Schedule in special time where you do something like play together, read together or go for a walk.

“Quality time also includes quality conversation – where you share your world with them and you get an insight into theirs. The key to quality time is ensuring it’s focused and intentional – and it only needs to be for a few minutes a day for your child to feel your love in this way.”

"People might feel they do this all the time,” says Nneka. “But if this is your child’s ‘love language’, then consider doing it even more or for longer. So, with hugs and kisses, hold that hug for a little bit longer or give a few more extra kisses.

“Physical touch can also look like sitting your child on your lap to read a story, stroking their hair or face, or back rubs. Or it can include more physical play such as wrestling or playing Twister (and deliberately pulling them to the floor as you fall over)!”

“Under the age of about five, it’ll be really hard to distinguish between the different ‘languages’ – so just speak all of them,” says Nneka. “But for older children, pay attention to the way they show love to you or others around them for clues.

“If they’re always wanting to be close to you or want hugs and kisses, they’re looking for physical touch. If they always say nice things to you, frequently tell you they love you (without you saying it first) or comment on how you look they’re seeking words of affirmation.

“If they always want to be around you or always ask to play (especially when you’re doing something else!) then it’s quality time. They’re also asking for this if they’re frequently complaining that you’re always ‘too busy’ doing other things.

“If they tend to help you with jobs around the house or come and tell you about something they’ve done, then their ‘love language’ is acts of service. If they’re always making things for you or bringing things home that they’ve found or made, then it’s gifts.”

“One of a child’s deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved by significant people in their lives – usually their parents,” says Nneka.

“Parents will often assume that their child knows they love them, but it’s important for your relationship – and in fact any relationship – to express your love in a way that it’s more likely to be received. Knowing your child’s ‘love language’ means you can express your love for them explicitly and directly. Because, sometimes, simply saying “I love you” isn’t enough.

“When you understand somebody else's ‘love language’ and you can show them love in that way, they're much more likely to receive that and really feel the sincerity of it.”

"Love languages were originally developed for romantic relationships,” says Nneka. “Their real benefit is that they help to strengthen the connections you have with important people in your life.

“People tend to show love in the way they like to receive love, but your ‘love language’ might not be the same as someone else’s. Understanding the gifts of giving and receiving love consciously allows you to feel closer and more connected, whether that’s to your child, your partner, or your family and friends.”

Listen to our discussion with Dr Nneka Ikeogu on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds. You can also find every episode of Woman’s Hour you may have missed. Follow us on and @bbcwomanshour.