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How can we spot the signs of an ‘emotional vampire’? And what can we do to handle those relationships?

“I think it’s helpful to take a look at the things to be on the look out for”, says Suzy. “There are a few different characteristics - certainly an excessive need for attention, for validation, for reassurance. But there's also a sense that nothing that occurs in their life is their fault.

“They're often very slippery characters. And while there is this real focus on self, there's also little awareness of the patterns, their behaviours, and how that impacts on other people. I'd also say that there's little compassion for others in those moments.

“They may enjoy creating chaos but don't want any feedback on that or any solutions in resolving the chaos, or they may just want to vent with no sense of interest in how that impacts on you. But it also manifests in some other ways. It might be that they chip away at your self-trust or self-belief by backhanded comments, or maybe there's a real sense of toxic positivity where they deny you the right to express yourself.”

So, what can we do if we’re experiencing this with someone close to us – whether that’s a friend or even a family member?

Suzy and Radhika shared their advice with Anita...

1. Be direct about their behaviour

“We need to become skilled in giving feedback, in being direct and saying: ‘When you do X, this is how it feels’”, says Suzy. “Because otherwise that person goes through life noticing this atrophy of friends and they've got no idea why. There is an opportunity for growth.

“There are plenty of examples where people have been given that feedback and they've been aghast. They've had no idea about the impact their behaviour has had on other people. So, we need to get skilled and speak up. And then if there's no change, then we need to take a look at what we need.”

2. Communicate how you’re feeling

“What I'm trying to do, which I'm finding quite empowering, is finding the courage to say it out loud”, says Radhika. “I'm not saying: ‘I think you're an emotional vampire’, I'm saying: ‘Look, I feel like lately when we're hanging out, I'm not really feeling that there's much space for me. I don't feel heard. I'm not really being asked any questions.’

“Whatever it is, I'll try to awkwardly find the courage to say it out loud. For me, a true friendship worth keeping and investing in is one where that person can hear me and have a conversation about it. If they instantly deny or are defensive, that to me shows they're not someone I want in my life.”

3. Set boundaries

“I think where there's no willingness or no desire to create change, we do need to protect ourselves”, says Suzy.

“Whether that’s refining boundaries or saying: ‘I'm sorry, I need to call time on this relationship’, we need to clearly articulate what it is that we need to feel safe and healthy in the relationship with that person.

“It's a matter of taking a look at those warning signs and just observing: Where are you at? Where are your energy levels at? Let's give ourselves permission to pace ourselves.

“So, it could be simple things like if you cannot extricate yourself from each other's lives, there might be some boundaries around how we communicate. For example, ‘it's not going to be endless messages’ or ‘we're not going to talk about our emotional lives’. The nature of that communication needs to be targeted too – being clear on what's OK and what's not OK.”

4. Limit your exposure

“Where possible, limit exposure and give yourself permission to choose who it is that you spend time with”, says Suzy. “In terms of that decision making. You can also choose where it is that you get together, what it is that you do, how long you spend together, the frequency at which you meet.

“So, if you've identified someone in your life that has a tendency to drain you, but you want to sustain that friendship, think about what kind of activities you do.

“Instead of getting together for a coffee and having this wall of noise, why don't you go for a walk together? Why don't you exercise together so you're still having your needs met? That dials down their tendency to just dominate everything. Even better... Go and play tennis.”

5. Think about what you’re getting out of the relationship

"My friends and I have a really useful system to think about this”, says Radhika. “We call it +2s, -2s and zeros. If you’ve had a social encounter, think: Was it a +2? Did you come away feeling lifted? Was it a zero? Are you neutral? Or was it a –2, where they’re an ‘emotional vampire’ and they’re draining you?

“I do it for absolutely everything – family, friends, work. It really helps me personally think about: ‘OK, how am I planning my week? Have I got too many zeros in there? Can I get some +2s in? If I've had a -2, can I counter them with a +2?’

“What makes them draining to you might not be the same for everyone, and that's what's important to focus on.”

And, if it feels irreparable, Radhika says you shouldn’t be afraid of calling time on the relationship.

“In some situations, if it's easy enough, I will just withdraw, especially if it's someone I've just met”, says Radhika. “If it's a first date, then I'm not going to go on a second date with an ‘emotional vampire’. But obviously it's a lot more complicated if it's someone you have a closer relationship with.”

To hear more from Suzy Reading and Radhika Sanghani, you can listen to the full discussion on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds - it's the episode from 19 October.

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