‘I couldn’t tell anybody I was gay’: How the LGBT ban pushed us out of the army
Ruth Birch and Julia Curry (known as Ju) served in the British Army together in the early 1990s when it was still illegal to be gay in the military.
They had to leave their careers because of the pressure they were under to lie about their sexuality and conceal their relationship. The stress led to them breaking up, but more than two decades later they were reunited.
Ruth and Ju joined Emma Barnett on ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour to share their experience and explain why they are now campaigning on behalf of fellow LGBT veterans.
Read on for their story.
‘You have to be two people all the time. It was mentally exhausting’
"It was a relationship that neither of us expected,” says Ruth. “Our eyes met across the hockey sticks and that was it. It was like love at first sight.
“We knew that our relationship was wrong according to the army and we kept it a complete secret as best we could. We didn't even acknowledge each other. It was so difficult because you have to be two people all the time. It was mentally exhausting.”
“The love I had for Ruth, I wanted to share,” says Ju. “When you first fall in love with somebody you want to tell the world and we had to keep it secret because of our careers. It was like living a double life.”
‘I couldn't tell anybody I was gay, because I would have been thrown out of the career I loved so much’
Ruth and Ju say they often faced suspicion over their sexuality and were subjected to interrogation and searches of their accommodation.
I had to keep it behind closed doors. It put so much mental pressure on myself.
“I felt so alone, so isolated,” says Ju. “I couldn't speak to anybody. And I couldn't tell anybody I was gay, because I would have been thrown out of the career I loved so much.
“So, I was under pressure to do my job professionally and the pressure to hide my identity. I had to keep it behind closed doors. It put so much mental pressure on myself."
‘It just got too much’
“They couldn't find any evidence that they could get to stick to dishonourably discharge us or just throw us out,” says Ruth. “So, they sent Ju to Cyprus for six months to split us up.
“We used to write to each other every day on the ‘blueys’ [the British Forces Post Office mail] and we used to have to write in code because we knew that they were being intercepted. We made a point of still being in touch, but it just got too much.”
‘Ju rang me and said: I can’t cope anymore’
“When Ju came back, she was still hounded,” says Ruth. “And I was still being hounded all the time. Ju rang me up one day and said: ‘I just can't cope anymore. We're just going to have to finish.’
You could say that we lost over 25 years, the army took that away from us.
“It was such a brave thing that that she did, but it absolutely broke me. Both of us then decided on our separate ways that we would leave the military. We felt we had to before we were dishonourably discharged.”
“I was witch-hunted, my career was over,” says Ju. “I thought: What a waste, all that money they spent on me and Ruth. And we were good soldiers because we loved our jobs. All I wanted to do was serve my country.”
'By some miracle, we got back in touch again'
Over two decades later, Ruth was appearing on the Channel 4 TV show Coach Trip when she received a message from Ju.
“I wasn't very good with IT,” says Ruth. "I didn't know you could get messages on Facebook, so I didn't read it for three months. But it was from Ju. She got her mate to send a message to me, she just wondered how I was.
“There was something still in my heart. We started texting a couple of times a week and then we started to ring each other. After about six months, we finally met up.
“When I saw her walking towards me, it was her particular walk and her smile. It was so incredible. It was like all those years had suddenly disappeared and we were back together again. It was absolutely fantastic.”
‘We can’t believe we’re back together... it’s an absolute miracle’
“Even now, we say: Did that really happen? And we just count our blessings,” says Ju. “What happened in the past was so wrong. You could say that we lost over 25 years, the army took that away from us. But if you start to get consumed by that, then it isn't any good. You need to move forward.
“We just look at each other and we can't believe that we're actually back together again. It's an absolute miracle and how it happened is just absolutely incredible. Love and light to everybody because there is hope.”
Head to ´óÏó´«Ã½ Sounds to listen to Ruth and Ju’s story – it's the Woman’s Hour episode from 24 October. Join the conversation on and @bbcwomanshour.
You can hear more from Ruth and Ju in their episodes of You Had Me at Hello, a podcast where ordinary people tell their extraordinary love stories, available wherever you get your podcasts.
