大象传媒

I鈥檝e always rather liked this lull between Christmas and New Year 鈥� when the hullabaloo has calmed down and we get to walk off some of our over-indulgence, read a book or relax with friends.听

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However, I鈥檓 feeling a little mopey this year, not just because everyone鈥檚 eaten all the best chocolates in the tin, but because this is the first Christmas after my big brother Fred died of a heart attack in November. Fred was seven years my senior and with our dad severely disabled, played a huge part in my growing up.

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He was one of the kindest, gentlest people imaginable. Like me, he was a reverend and he influenced untold people through his work. We lived on different continents for decades, but his passing leaves a great hole in my heart.

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Having spent time with more grieving people than I could shake a stick at, I know how hard Christmas can be, also that regret is one of the commonest emotions we experience in grief 鈥� wishing we had got round to saying or doing certain things, wishing we hadn鈥檛 said or done others. And I鈥檓 no different in my grief.

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But regret is part of being human, I think 鈥� not just in grief but in everyday life too. I鈥檓 constantly aware of things I might have done differently. I sometimes long to relive a moment or a situation. And on one level, this is no bad thing. Without regret, I鈥檇 never evolve or grow as a person. I wouldn鈥檛 apologise for being stupid or thoughtless. I think regret can be a doorway to a better way of living.

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That said, through my pastoral work, I know what suffering regret can bring when it hangs over a person. To me, the important thing is to make good use of regret and then move on.

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There is a lovely prayer for the end of the day which says, 鈥業t is night after a long day. What has been done has been done; what has not been done has not been done; let it be.鈥� Which I find is a great way to look at life in general 鈥� save my precious emotional energy for things that I can change鈥�and as for the rest鈥�let it be!