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Listeners' Fantasies |
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From Ambridge to Limerick
 For over six months, Archers plotlines have been mirrored in limerick form on the Fantasy Archers topic of . We thought it was time to share a selection with a wider audience.
There once was a maiden called Emma
Whose offspring caused her a dilemma.
Was he Will's? Was he Ed's?
She'd graced both of their beds
And now the whole village condemns her.
An old businessman name of Jack
For his holidays started to pack;
In the room came his wife
Got the fright of her life
"No!" she cried, "that's the cat - put it back!"
A man bought his loved one a Dower
House, to be their nuptial bower
They will live there in sin
Fully plumbed in for gin
As T. Thomas would say "What a shower!"
There was a young vet who played cards
With Matt and his band of die-hards
Will there be divorce?
He's now treating his horse
The unethical vet's life's in shards
D. Archer's the man for the job
He will rescue your wandering cob
Who else could you ask
To perform such a task
Your husband? Don't think so. The kn.. erm slob.
Shula's shopping at Homebase again
'Cos her marriage is still on the wane
Will a splash of emulsion
Provide the propulsion
To return Big Al to her domain?
Who's that chap over there, in the green?
They're the shapeliest calves ever seen.
Why, it's manly Sid Perks,
Showing off his good works
As a treat for young Adam and Ian.
Pack your stuff in this bin liner, Ed
Is essentially what Emma said.
Is she back to her scheming
And air castle dreaming?
Who'll be next in the silly tart's bed?
I've said it again and again,
Our Bren is the girl with the brain
She has an IQ
Of one forty two
So LISTEN Tom Archer, you pain.
Well here's an incredible shock
Our Caro is flaunting a rock
Tis the size of Gibraltar
Cos to get her t'altar
He's put all he owns into hock.
Young Ian was loved-up with Ad,
And was more often happy than sad.
When a friend in a state
Said she wanted to mate.
Has the whole world gone stark raving Madd?
When Ol signs his name it's just squiggles
A series of spiderish wiggles
Now he's had to proclaim
His precise middle name
Ah, collapse of stout party in giggles
Young Carly could not let it pass
She was feeling neglected, poor lass
With a rival in view
She remarked (as you do)
On the size of Miss Beesborough's... er, seat
It all went jolly well, I must say
The honeymoon's now under way
One more thing I must know
Was it Carly or Joe
Who caught Mrs Sterling's bouquet
I hear Robert Snell's on the dole
His skills are out-dated, poor soul
Said the Ambridge Job Fairy
"Get down to the dairy
They'll sort out for you a new role"
Ian's getting paternal with Maddy
He fancies himself as a daddy
But Adam had three
Brian, Travers-Macy
Plus itinerant worker named Paddy
What's the news about Alistair's plight?
Does he still get to GA all right?
Ask him what he would lay
On the chance that he'll stay
With a wife who is whiter than white
Bert can't speak of Freda too highly
But he's had to admit rather slyly
She's been sozzled before
Couldn't take any more
That's why they can't go back to Filey
There's a terrible crush in the Bull
I seldom have seen it so full
There's two Archers (sans pies)
Pullen, bowlers, Samwise
And a bowler named Kev on the pull
But sadly for Kev, Fallon's gone
But don't sit and mope there, old son
Just come and report
For some eccentric sport
As a veg'table Olympian
The pickers are looking for succour
Their rotas are really not pukka
But call off the revolt
The answer, you dolt,
Is to send for some help from Roy Tucker
Dear Charlie has licked her last lick
And her ticker has ceased to tock tick
It's quite a relief
'Cos it's my best belief
She was already more dead than quick.
For old Aldridge what news could be sweeter?
The Irish tart's split up with Dieter
Could it be that Siobhan
Is feeling forlorn
He'll be off to the Rhineland to treat her
Wor Roothie said "Well I don't know.
This lusting they all think I show
But my feelings for Sam
Are naught but a sham
Just give me Sebastian Coe"
When Nigel's in need of some dosh
For a cruck barn or similar tosh
Does he beg at the banks
And pay interest? No thanks!
He just finds a Hieronymous Bosch.
There was a young shaver called Ed
Who got bashed about on the head
He caused some alarm
Now he's safe at Grange Farm
Sipping Caro's hot soup, safe in bed.
There was an old geezer called Olly
Who hauled in young Ed from his trolley
There'll be no time for sulking
When Ed's up at five milking
Ed'll think his returning was folly.
How frisky can that Titcombe be
He keeps moithering poor Mrs P
He whips off his duds
When she's busy with suds
"'S'not the grass as needs cutting" quoth she.
Someone is getting at Tom,
Well, we all knew it wouldn't take long,
And, from what I've heard
They've written a word
That implies that his throwing arm's strong.
Sam's back from his fortnight in Gozo
He missed all his cattle, the bozo
But to tell you the truth
Most of all he missed Ruth
If she knew how he felt, she'd shriek "Oooh nooo!!"
Ed's t-shirt is white as the snow
But our Ruth's top gets men on the go
If Sam gets his way
They will roll in the hay
Will he stop at the top? Oh dear no!
Once again Adam's feeling offended
There's some fences that need to be mended
There's a plan, as yet vague,
To create Baby Craig
In the way Mother Nature intended
Sophie Barlow, we love her, she's sweet
Her visit is really a treat
But will David she steer
To the treehouse, m'dear
And pay back deceit with deceit
Poor Oliver seems rather ill
Could it be that he's over the hill?
He's requiring help fast
From the whole Archers cast:
Will he soon recruit Jack, Phil and Jill?
Have you RSVP'd for the dinner?
I've a feeling it may be a winner.
Ruth's dressed in her best,
She's sprayed scent on her vest,
And that baler twine belt makes her thinner.
Oh dear, Emma's car will not go
And really, she does need it so.
To the rescue comes Will
(Who worships her still)
Will Will have her back? Yes or No?
Was the poor woman born in a midden?
How could she not serve yorkshire puddin'!
Her manner was jumpy,
Her gravy was lumpy,
Could you Adam and Eve it? I couldn'.
Poor Jack's a bit mixed in his head
He thinks David and Sophie are wed
Keep him from Will and Emma
Cos that little dilemma
Might cause him to take to his bed.
Are Zandra and Sophie soul sistas
These London based chic fashonistas?
So stylish and smart
Sophie's stitched up Dave's heart
He'll be snipped if Ruth finds out he kista.
When invited to unveil a plaque
Wor Ruthie was left in the dark;
With the wrong kind of dress
She felt a reet mess:
Was glam Sophie just having a lark?
Our thanks to Anglo-Norman, Capricious Kats, jazzwhizz, Misty, mrlegs, Mr Snowy, Sovietsong, TheJennyDarling and VickyS
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