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The Daddy
by Jenifer Bennett

Jenifer Bennett contributed this parody - in the style of Roddy Doyle's wonderful Dublin novels - to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers .

He could have taken the plane to Dublin; it would have been quicker, but in the end he decided he'd rather take his time. He wanted to put a bit of space between home and where he was going. The crossing had been bad though: he felt rough this morning.

He parked on the road in front of the house. It wasn't quite what he'd been expecting, but it seemed to be the right address. Anyway, if it wasn't, he wouldn't know where else to go. The street was empty, except for a boy of about twelve sitting on the broken-down front wall of the next-door house. He ran up to Brian.

__Will I watch your car for yeh mister?
__No thank you. He moved towards the house.
__If yeh don't mind me sayin', you're makin' a big mistake. Leavin' a posh car like tha' round here with no-one to look after it.

Brian looked up and down the street. The only other car he could see was a beat-up looking saloon. Standing on bricks. He turned to the boy.

__How much?

***
Larry Donovan woke with a start when he heard the knock on the door. He was supposed to be looking after the snapper while Vaun and Monica went into town, but after taking Ruairi out for a walk he'd just shut his eyes for a few minutes on the couch. He listened for a moment, but he couldn't hear the baby, so he went out to the back porch where he'd left him, wrapped up snug in his pram. Still sleeping, God love him. It was gas having a baby in the house again now that all his own had grown up, and only Sinead and Imelda still at home when Siobhan came back. He went to open the door.

__Hello. __Does __Siobhan Donovan live here?

Your man wasn't from anywhere local, you could see that straight off. His clothes looked too expensive. He had shoes with little gold chains on them for duck sake. The car that Larry could see over his shoulder didn't belong here either.

__An' what if she does? Who will I say was askin' for her?

He knew who it was though. She'd never told them anything about Ruairi's father. Just that he was married, and once, when Monica had caught her crying at one of those farming programs on RTE 2 she'd let slip that he was a farmer. He didn't look much like a farmer but.

__It's Brian. __Brian Aldridge. So I have got the right address then? Is she here?

Larry was suddenly angry. The poxy gobshine. He had a nerve! Who did he think he was coming round here after he'd had his ride and given Vaun the shove, and her with a snapper too? His hands bunched into fists at his sides.

__No she's not, thank fudge, an' I suggest you take your duckin' fancy car back where yeh came from before I crease yeh.

He took a step towards Brian. Then he stopped. Siobhan had never said how old he was. He'd imagined someone her own age for fudge sake, not a man who hadn't seen fifty in a while. He looked beat-up, and a bit lost. He might even be older than he was. My Jaysis; that was a thought. Ruairi's da older than his granda.

__I'm sorry. __I haven't come to cause trouble. I just want to see Ruairi.__I just want to see my son.

Jaysis. The man was near to crying. Larry couldn't bear that.

__Yeh'd better come in wha'.

They went into the front room.

__Will yeh sit down? Larry asked Brian nicely.

You'd have thought from the look on his face that he'd been asked to take a seat in the urinals down at the Hikers, the snotty horlicks. But after a moment he sat in the armchair with the bag he'd been carrying close by his feet.
He'd brought a present for Ruairi. It wasn't the right moment though.
Larry wasn't sure what he ought to do now. He should have given out to him, told him to duck off, knocked the shine out of him maybe. But when he looked at the poor sap, he hadn't the heart for it.

__Will yeh have a cup of tea?
__Thanks, yes.

He made tea for both of them and went back into the front room. He was suspicious now. Why had the fella come here?

__Yeh needn't think you can take the snapper away with you. This is where he belongs, with his ma.
__Snapper? __Oh, I see. No, I haven't come to do that. Like I said, I only wanted to see him, hold him again. He's my son. I miss him. __Please, is he here now?

Bang on cue, Ruairi woke up and began to bawl. Fair play to him, he'd a great set of lungs. He got that from Siobhan. Larry went out to pick him up. Brian followed.

__He'll want feedin', said Larry.

He went to the fridge for a bottle and put it to warm.

__Has Siobhan stopped __um , you know?
__Wha'? Eh no. This is her milk. She uses one o' them expresso yokes. She likes him to have the natural stuff wha'.
__Could I feed him? I'd like to.

Larry looked at Brian. Your man didn't exactly look like a sprinter. He handed Ruairi and the bottle over to him. It was probably safe to do that.

__I'm more used to feeding lambs. This is a bit different.

You could see that he loved the bones of that child, fair play to him. The tired look had gone from his face. He seemed younger.

__Have you no other kids then?
__Oh yes, two of mine and my wife's, and two more of hers. But I never got round to doing this. I wish now I'd spent more time with them: there's nothing like the smell of a young baby, is there?

Larry had to agree. He hadn't really thought about it before, but Brian was right there. There wasn't anything like it.
Ruairi finished his feed. Brian had to be shown how to wind him, and Ruairi puked up on his nice sweater. Brian said it didn't matter.

__Maybe yeh'd like to change him too, said Larry.

***
Larry began to feel hungry. He decided to go to the chipper across the Green, but he'd have to take Ruairi along cos there was no way he was leaving Brian alone with him. He wanted to trust him, but he'd look a right ducking eejit if he did and Brian did a runner with the baby. Siobhan would never forgive him. He wouldn't deserve it.

__I'll come with you.

Now that Brian had seen Ruairi again, he didn't want to miss a minute.

__OK, but I'm pushin' the pram, righ'?

On the way Larry told Brian how Siobhan had got the whole family barred from the chipper when she was a young one. She'd had a few too many vodkas down at the Hikers and got sick clear over the counter into the fryer.

__I wouldn't have minded bein' barred, if only I'd been there to see it. It would've been gas tha'.

He nearly burst his shine just thinking about it. He looked at Brian. He was laughing too.

__They didn't bar us for long though: we were good customers. __Our Wayne reckoned the fish tasted o' Coke for weeks afterwards but.

Siobhan had been going out with the eldest son of the family that ran the chipper at the time, but his ma, the ould witch had put a stop to that. He ran the place now, and if the size of the portions that Siobhan brought back from there were anything to go by, he still had the hots for her.

__Girls are a worry though, aren't they? __My youngest has just had her belly button pierced without telling us. She's only fourteen.
__Our Imelda came an' asked us first. __I told her she wouldn't be able to have anny babies if she did tha', but she just said if that was righ' how was it the Pope didn't ban it. __She had me there, fair play to her. __So I said her mammy'd box her ears. __She still got it done annyway, the little witch.

They got to the chipper and eased the pram through the door.

__Howayeh Larry?
__Grand. __Howayeh yourself?
__Fine. __Will yeh tell Vaun I was askin' for her?
__Yeah. I'll tell her.

Larry ordered a burger for himself and cod and chips for Brian. Ricky looked over at Brian.

__Who's your friend?

Jaysis! Larry hoped that Ricky wouldn't cop on.

__Wha'? Eh, this is one o' Monica's cousins visitin' over from England.

It didn't sound very convincing.

He knew it didn't sound convincing cos Ricky spat into the cod portion while Brian was bending over the pram talking to the baby. Larry wanted to say something, but he couldn't: Brian would hear. If he kept quiet Brian would never know. It would have soaked into the batter by the time they got home. He still felt like a louser for not saying anything though.

Brian offered to pay, but Larry wouldn't let him.

Part Two