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The Daddy - Part Two
by Jenifer Bennett

This is the second part of Jenifer Bennett's parody - in the style of Roddy Doyle's wonderful Dublin novels - which she contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers . Read Part One

The boy was still sitting on the wall when they got back

__Is tha' Ruairi's da there with you Mister Donovan?
__No it duckin' isn't. Now fudge off an' mind your own business.__Yeh little horlicks yeh.
__In his hole he isn't. Annyway my ma says your Siobhan's nothin' but a floozie so.
__An' your ma's an oul' wagon, an' yeh can tell her I said so.
He made a move towards the boy, but he was away like a shot. Mister Donovan would duck him from a height if he caught him. He'd have to catch him first though.
__Those Redmonds. They're a fudgin' disgrace. They'd duckin' steal your granny if they thought they could sell her.

***

In the kitchen Larry unwrapped the fish and looked at it. He'd been right. You couldn't see anything wrong with it. He put the dinner onto plates, turning the cod portion over, just in case, and got a couple of cans out. They sat down to eat. There was something Larry wanted to ask Brian about.

__Come here. Vaun told us that Tim went off with a lady vicar. Wha's she like? __The Vicar o' Dibley wha'?
__Good lord no! Nowhere near as attractive. I never understood why Tim would be interested in a __wagon ? __ like her when he was married to Siobhan.
__Yeah, he was an awful duckin' eejit but, an' shockin' drinkin' company__Sippin' his pint like a nun so. __Tha' one couldn't enjoy a good fart to save his life wha'.
__Ha! Yes. I always thought he was too fudging prissy for a doctor. We had him and Siobhan over to dinner once. __Before she and I __He couldn't even raise a laugh over my best milking machine joke.
__How does tha' go then?
Brian told him. Larry roared.
__Come here. __I bet a laugh wasn't the only thing he couldn't raise wha'. Our Vaun never had a baby for him annyway.

They were both laughing now.

They had another couple of beers, and Brian got the present he'd brought for Ruairi out of his bag. He was a bit young for it yet. It was a grand little tractor though. Brian showed it to him, but he was hungry again, so Larry got a bottle ready. After they'd fed and changed the baby Larry put him to bed upstairs.
They drank the last two cans from the six-pack, and then Brian opened the bottle of Jameson's he'd bought on the ferry.

__Good thinkin', said Larry.

He got some glasses.

__Cheers, said Brian
__Cheers wha'.
Brian started singing softly.
__Be Bop A Lula. He's My Baby __
Larry liked this one, so he joined in.
__BE BOP A LULA. I DON'T MEAN MAYBE__

When they'd sung all they could remember of that, Brian began When A Child is Born, but Larry said that was shine, so they sang Mustang Sally, and Wild Thing. It was great gas.
Then Brian said he'd always liked Irish music, and they sang Brown-Eyed Girl. They slowed down a bit as the bottle got emptier. They were in the middle of My Shoes Keep Walking Back to You.

__I WISH I HAD YOU BACK AGAIN __

They didn't hear the door open.

***

Siobhan nearly died when they turned the corner and she saw the car. Even from the end of the street she could tell it was Brian's. She felt sick in her stomach, she was sweating. She'd stopped talking. She looked at her ma to see if she'd copped on.

__Is that your__? It's his car, isn't it? said Monica.

Siobhan nodded. They walked on to the house without saying anything. As they came up the path they could hear singing. Siobhan and Monica looked at each other.

__I'll fudging kill him, said Monica.

Siobhan couldn't tell whether she meant Brian or Larry.
Monica got her key out and they went inside. Siobhan went first. She wasn't going to hide behind her ma. She couldn't look at Brian though.

__Good shine, Da! What the fudge is goin' on? What's he doing here? __Tha' duckin' custard __tha' gobshine __promised me everything, told me tha' me an' Ruairi meant everything to him. __An' then he runs back to his mot the minute she crooks her poxy little finger. An' now __

She turned to Monica.

__An' now he has the fudgin' nerve to show up here an' I find my own da sittin' down havin' a cosy fireside sing-song with him! Who do you think yeh are? __ Daniel O'fudgin'Donnell? Wha' kind of duckin' loyalty is tha'?

She stopped. She was shaking. Larry sat with his mouth open. He wanted to give out to her, tell her not to use that language, but he didn't dare. He thought she was great, really.

Brian had got to his feet.

__You must be Monica, he said. __I can see where Siobhan gets her good l__!

Monica punched him in the face. Brian fell back into the chair.

__Yeh custard yeh. Yeh know wha'? __You're pat'etic. You're not worth hitting.

Brian wished she'd thought of that sooner.

In the silence that followed they could hear Ruairi crying in the bedroom. Siobhan walloped up the stairs to see him.

__Ah Jaysis! __Monica. __There wasn't anny need for tha' sure?

Larry spread his hands out helplessly.
Monica glared at him and followed Siobhan. Brian's nose was bleeding. Larry went to get some kitchen paper for it.
Upstairs Siobhan tried to feed Ruairi, but she couldn't, not with all that anger inside. She'd just have to let go of it.

__Take some deep breaths girl, she told herself.

That was better. Ruairi began to suck. Siobhan felt the rage go out of her. Monica sat beside her on the bed.
__Will I tell him to duck off for you?
__No Ma, it's all righ'. I'll see to him. There's no way he'll be drivin' at the moment annyway. I'll take him for a walk,__sober him up.

* * *

Siobhan made Brian give her his car keys and they went outside. There was no-one around, but the car had one of its wing-mirrors ripped off, and someone had sprayed Fudge Coronation Street, across the bonnet. It still had its wheels though, so they got in. She drove down to Dollymount. They could walk along the beach, get some fresh air.

She parked right on the sand. It was a grey, winter's day. Not a sinner in sight.

__I might as well tell yeh, she said. __Ricky Marroni's asked me to marry him, an' I'm thinkin' abou' it.

The first bit was true, but there was no way she was going to spend the rest of her life in Barrytown smelling of chip grease. She just wanted to upset Brian.

He looked at her.

__I suppose a ride's out of the question then?

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