72 Days to go!!! Schedule for Day One
Posted: Wednesday, 18 January 2006 |
Comments
As the overseas American visitors are coming on day two I thought we might try some colonial culture. I've heard of this line dancing mallarkey, I'm not sure but it must be a bit like the line walking that the local Constabulary employ on a Saturday night to interact with revellers who are driving. Are there any white lines on the roads on Lewis? We could even do the customary hand jive finger to nose dance?
Constable Sunny, Formerly of The Leith Police from Arran
No there are no white lines on Lewis except in the ferry car park and arounf the motorway service areas. Donald can paint some though - we have some yellow sheep paint which will look OK. How long a line will he need to paint? Emporio Alan John has a roll of blue gingham going cheaply if you want to make some buttkickin' fashions to impress the colonials - just click on his website outofdatetinnedstuff.co.uk for details of this and many other bargains. Finally there are no police on Lewis just a sherriff and some deputies and Carloway has its own lynch mob which seems to keep crime figures down.
calumannabel from Gallerina Rusticana Tapas Bar Knockaird
White lines are present on the runways at Callanish Airport. Who will be judging at the Fank? What happens if the lambing comes early this year?
Arnish Lighthouse from Stornoway
Calumannabel if you are trying to make the fank fall on April Fools Day then you've counted wrong as 72 days from the 18th is the 31st March which is year end and means I will be stock taking!Hence the massive "20TH CENTURY STOCK CLEARANCE SALE!" as you well know! You are chust trying to keep those Arran wumen tae yersel!
Emporio Alan John from Milan, New York, London, Atlantic
Special offer on plastic racing gugas. Guaranteed to complete the course, or sink trying. Buy ten, get one free. PS non-speaking gugas for absolute confidentiality.
Gugas'R'Us from Third factory on the right
Excellent programme, can't wait for it all to start. I think you should ask Nick Nairn into the Big Brother Bochan so he can show us all a thing or two with some Lofty Peak and a few guga. Maybe that wifie from Chewin' the Fat who's always showing her knickers too. That's the sort of thing Big Brother Bochan viewers are looking for.
BoB from Lewis
Alan John I am trying to drive custom to your shop. Why are you having a clearnace of 20th century stock when you still have stuff left from the 19th - Cases of Dr Peppards Patent Rubbing Lotion and coils of rope from Bechuanaland and pots of white paint stamped 'Product of Prussia'. As for plastic racing gugas I believe Annie Beag is sourcing some for us at a trade fare somewhere on the American west coast near Sebastopol.
calumannabel from 22 Fourpenny Ness
The Ultimate Racing Guga. Handcrafted in recycled fishbox plastic, with empty shampoo bottle extra large feet for faster paddling. Complete with special adaptor kit for attaching as brooch, hairscrunchie or annoying windscreen dangly thing for tractors.
We make gugas too from Behind the third factory on the right
I will have you know that the Pre 1900 Collection is highly sought after, people come far and wide for our antique paints with genuine lead and arsnic! None of your reproduction rubbish around here! And a great way of getting that true period feel while helping Granny to a better place. As for the rubbing lotion it's well known that the most minute drop will remove rust and apint from any surface and makes a fine base for guga curry, makes the meat almost tender! As for the 20th Century Sale, that was a serive to your self as many people had said to me that it was time you changed your unmentionables due to the smell and the creaking when you walk, someone has to tell you that pantaloons and stockings went out of fasion here in 2001 and that codpiece has been causing offense/wicked thoughts for some time now. Have you not been marvelling at the trendy all in one back button flap longjohns and morning suit displayed in the window for the last week. Comes with a dashing lum hat! You could double up as head mourner and make a fortune. Don't let anyone say I don't think of my valued customers! Now about the dubious date of this fank...
Alan John from Between Baked Beans 1824 and Laudanum
D'ya think the Colonials will feel much like prancin' aboot on an airstrip? They've had sore troubles with airplanes landing as of late...wouldna want tae see youse suffer the fallout of episodes of Yankee PTSD in your lovely lochs...not sure even the Lynch Mobs of Carloway could contain the drama. Suggest keeping line dancing in town at the CalMac terminal...poised for a good dunking if things flare, or speedy extradition if need be.
Karen of Lewis from Ontario
Dear Karen What is Yankee PTSD/ Should Donald and I get innoculated against it? What with bird flu and now this it makes me wonder what can of worms we're opening for Ness in April?
Dwight D Eyesawatering from The White House Top of Dell Brae Lewis
Dear Dwight D. -- Remember? PTSD=post-traumatic stress disorder. Your best innoculation against it is to NOT put rosy-cheeked colonials on an airstrip. It'll only remind them of sad times and national disasters. With more than a dram behind such woeful memories, things could reach military proportions, and it wouldna matter how tight the weave, plentiful the pleats, or heavy the sporran-- ye'd all be vulnerable. For reasons stated in previous entry, and for the sake of your women and children and the gallic language and by the standing stones: keep the line dancin' at the ferry terminal!!! (There. I've spoke my piece. I feel better now.)
Karen of Lewis from Ontari-ari-aireeee-ooooooOOHHHH
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