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The
Morris Telford archive. Read about Morris's previous
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Morris's journey
Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven |
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| FACTS |
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Name: Morris Telford
Age: 33
DOB: 18/04/70
Occupation:Unemployed
Hobbies: Enlightenment, Philosophy, Bingo
Favourite
book – Ordnance Survey Map of Shropshire 1999 edition
Favourite
foods – Pickled Eggs
Favourite
band – *(shameless plug)
Biggest
inspiration – Marlowe Bidforth
Worst
moment –18th June 1986
Best
Moment – 17th July 1995
Height
– Variable
Weight
– Variable
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MESSAGES
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Morris a madman, a genius - or both? Have your say on our Morris
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Real
American drizzle greeted me as the plane landed at Birmingham International
Airport, Alabama. No-one was there to meet me, thankfully the world
press has yet to get wind of my quest for world harmony so I am not
yet hounded by paparazzi or hindered by the unwanted attentions of
big business wanting a slice of Moreton Say.
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IÂ’d
like to see Saddam Hussain or Al Capone or Snoop Doggy Dog
try to park their car illegally in Market Drayton, they wouldnÂ’t
know what had hit them.
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| Morris
Telford |
As soon
as we landed I rang Toby.
He
was out.
With
Sophia.
The men
at customs seemed very nice at first, smartly dressed, short hair,
uniforms. They reminded me of the West Mercia police in Shropshire,
a wise and noble organisation and a protective force to be reckoned
with.
I know the world is full of violence and lawlessness, but IÂ’d
like to see Saddam Hussain or Al Capone or Snoop Doggy Dog try to
park their car illegally in Market Drayton, they wouldnÂ’t know
what had hit them.
IÂ’d
never seen a real firearm before and asked a customs officer if
I could have a look at his. This seemed to agitate them and I regret
reaching for the gun before receiving permission from him. After
they let me get up off the ground they took me to one side and began
searching my bag.
They
seemed particularly interested in my notebook and asked a lot of
questions about the doodle I had done on page seven. It was supposed
to bingo marker, but I can see why they might have thought it looked
like a missile. Apparently just after I left there was some security
alert at Heathrow. The trouble really started when I told them about
how I met a man from Tie-Rack at Heathrow airport, I think they
misheard what I said.
There
has been some talk of deporting me, but I do get to spend the night
in custody so at least itÂ’s free accommodation.
I spent my first ever night in the cells last night. It wasn’t so
bad. I felt a bit like Ronnie Barker in ‘Porridge’, only instead of
Richard Beckinsale there was a man in the cell next door who thought
he was Celine Dion.
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I’ve
promised to go and see Celine in Las Vegas if they release
him in time to fulfil his contractual obligations there.
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| Morris
Telford |
I’m 97%
sure he wasn’t, although his rendition of ‘My Heart Will Go On’ did
make me weep sweet tears of joy.
The officers here have been very nice to me. Robert, who looks like
a younger Trevor McDonald, rang my Mother who verified who I am.
They tell me they just need to ‘further check the authenticity of
my story’; and then I can go. They certainly seem calmer having spoken
to my mother; she does have a very calming, though slightly nasal,
voice.
I’ve been alone most of the day, still waiting to hear when I can
go. I’ve promised to go and see Celine in Las Vegas if they release
him in time to fulfil his contractual obligations there.
They
let me go. I’ve got my bag back, my passport back, but best of all
my freedom back.
The open sky above me is clear blue and I never, ever want to be
incarcerated again.
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Alabama
is so different from Shropshire it's almost like another country.
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| Morris
Telford |
The
sky in Alabama looks exactly like the sky in Moreton Say. Everything
else is different.
Alabama is so different from Shropshire it's almost like another
country. They have buildings that defy all reason, taller even than
the high-rise flats in the other Birmingham, but all the lifts work
and there is no smell of urine.
The people, while more coherent then some I met in the other Birmingham,
talk with an odd drawl, as if someone else was dragging the words
from their throats. This is what people call the ‘Deep South’ of
America, so it must be like the Cornwall of the USA, I’ve never
been to Cornwall but I suspect there are many similarities.
The food here is always so big. You ask for a sandwich and you get
a loaf, you ask for a burger and you get the better portion of a
whole cow. I asked for some teacake in a café and they had no idea
what it was, hard to believe such a developed country can’t provide
it’s people with toasted teacake.
The waitress, told me Bingo is illegal in some parts of America,
but gave me directions to the Players Delight Bingo Hall, I’m very
excited.
I’m staying in a hotel again, it’s very nice but almost completely
devoid of any personality.
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I’m taking "Elvira" one of my favourite bingo markers, she
glides across those boxes like a thing possessed.
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| Morris
Telford |
I used
to work with a man called Royston who collected models of trams and
played the Tuba, the hotel reminds me of him. It’s very nice, but
with a dark, empty, bottomless pit at it’s heart.
I go to play Bingo today. The noble sport of Bingo is an excellent
way to meet people, and in Moreton Say is the primary form of social
interaction. It both brings people of a common mind together in convivial
surroundings and helps to discipline the mind.
I’m surprised that Bingo is illegal in some parts of America; they
seem to classify it as gambling, which is of course wrong.
I’ve been playing Bingo since I was seven, sometimes the vicar called
the numbers, so how can it possibly be gambling? It’s a game of skill
and determination, of fury and passion, and never underestimate the
advantage of a superior quality bingo marker.
The inscrutable art of Bingo is the king of pastimes, the Elvis Presley
of Church Hall gatherings and I am leaving the hotel now for the Players
Delight Bingo Hall and my first taste of the sacred cards for over
a month.
I’m taking "Elvira" one of my favourite bingo markers, she glides
across those boxes like a thing possessed.
I’ve only just got back. The Players Delight Bingo Hall was quite
an eye-opener.
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The
theft of another man’s marker is an unspeakable crime in Shropshire
Bingo circles, akin to stealing a man’s horse in the Old West.
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| Morris
Telford |
The people
have taken the pure beauty of Bingo and warped it beyond all recognition.
There was a foul stench greed in the air and a stale atmosphere of
lost dreams and bitter lives.
No-one really talked very much, I always thought the mental agility
needed to mark your card and chat at the same time was one of the
main joys, not so in Alabama.
One old lady was playing eight cards at once and when I sat next to
her and tried to introduce myself she wailed like a banshee and two
men in Tuxedos made me move.
At one point I left my table to go to the toilet, when I returned
"Elvira" was gone.
The theft of another man’s marker is an unspeakable crime in Shropshire
Bingo circles, akin to stealing a man’s horse in the Old West, but
within half an hour of entering the Players Delight Bingo Hall I was
markerless.
None of this would ever happen in Shropshire.
The Bingo went on until quite late, I didn’t win anything but I did
get 19 new complimentary bingo markers for my collection, all American
ones with bevelled nibs and fluorescent ink, so the evening was not
a complete loss.
I wrote an Email to the local newspaper today to alert them to my
presence, perhaps they will give me a lead on some problems I can
tackle.
Unable to make it to any of the Anti-War marches today I decided to
make a personal statement.
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Now all those office workers will be greeted
with the intriguing message "Be nice to each other like people
are in Shropshire" and hopefully some of them will have the
good sense to take my words to heart, perhaps visit Shropshire
and taste the joy for themselves.
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| Morris
Telford |
I had
1000 A4 posters printed. Yellow paper and bold black text – "’Be nice
to each other like people are in Shropshire’ – (Morris Telford)",
my original slogan was a lot longer but they charge per word.
I rode to the top of one of the tallest skyscrapers I could find today.
The view from the roof was outstanding, a sweeping vista of manmade
towers. A man was standing near the edge looking down to the streets
below, I naturally assumed he was about to jump and ran over to stop
him. As I wrapped my arms around his legs and started screaming, "Don’t
do it", I realised he had a harness on.
The only jumping going on was my own, to conclusions.
His name was Bucky and he cleans windows, he was a window cleaner.
Bucky looked like a younger Chewbacca, all hair and growls, but after
we cleared up the misunderstanding he offered me a ride.
He has a great job, the wind in his hair, no-one looking over his
shoulder, as much windolene as he can carry home.
Oddly, Bucky hated his job so I convinced him to change occupation;
he is now pursuing a career in Dental Hygiene. Before he handed in
his notice we were able to plaster all 1000 of my posters on the outside
of the building, which was great because it made them nearly impossible
to remove from the inside.
Now all those office workers will be greeted with the intriguing message
"Be nice to each other like people are in Shropshire" and hopefully
some of them will have the good sense to take my words to heart, perhaps
visit Shropshire and taste the joy for themselves.
No reply from the newspaper yet so I decided to take more positive
action. I made a large sign that said, "Ask me if I can help, I will
be your friend" and walked to what seemed like an impoverished neighbourhood.
People practically ran away from me.
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The truth is stranger than fiction, unless
of course you read a lot of science fiction and fantasy novels.
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| Morris
Telford |
Went back
to the hotel. The hotel television has an astounding number of channels
with almost no actual content to any of them.
I’ve been reading the kind words from people nice enough to leave
me a message on the ´óÏó´«Ã½ Shropshire website.
I’m slightly disturbed by Tim’s enthusiasm, I do not want to become
a messiah figure for office consumable clerks the world over, if you
were all to follow my example right now, who would order all the paperclips?
Instead try and find your own path, though I am happy to offer advice.
I am stunned that the Author Paul McAvoy would imply that my weblog
is fabricated. I have given up everything to follow a dream and my
road ahead needs to be paved with the flagstones of hope and freedom,
not the uneven gravel of doubt and fantasy. The truth is stranger
than fiction, unless of course you read a lot of science fiction and
fantasy novels.
I’m very glad James the Shropshire Lad has brought to my attention
the problem of IGMT building all over Ironbridge. I have Emailed IGMT
and demanded an explanation.
If it requires my personal attention I will put it on my list. Thanks
to Mike Batt for the advice on hitchhiking, it does seem an excellent
way of meeting people and I shall adopt it as my main means of travel.
I won’t however be buying a money belt as they make me look stupid,
I find it much more sensible to keep cash in my shoe. Thanks for the
advice Mike, and for all the wonderful Wombles records you gave us
over the years.
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