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Songs of...erm...Self-Love
Five hits that give a whole new meaning to the expression 'Born To Hand Jive'...

PICTURES OF LILY - THE WHO
This was the first chart celebration of the ghastly after-hours shenanigans that sap the strength of the nation's youth (and keeps man-sized tissue manufacturers in business). Pete Townshend penned a lively ode to a young man whose insomnia is cured by looking at 1920's pornography, but got long-suffering Roger Daltrey to sing it. He then began writing a rock opera in which the central character (Daltrey again) goes blind. Ever get the feeling someone's trying to tell you something, Rog?

TURNING JAPANESE - THE VAPORS
Not, as you might assume, a song devoted to becoming more like our distant cousins in the far east. This incredibly non-PC dirty ditty describes the kind of ecstatic facial gymnastics displayed by gentlemen deep in the throes of orgasm, and compares these gurnings to the faces of Japanese people. Could have been written by Prince Philip, couldn't it?

TEENAGE KICKS - THE UNDERTONES
A lovelorn song of yearning to a mystery girl which makes more sense as an addition to our list when you consider that the original words to the chorus were "I wanna hold it, wanna hold it tight, get teenage kicks right through the night". Just so long as you wash your own bedsheets, Feargal...

I TOUCH MYSELF - DIVINYLS
Before you assume that the history of solo-sex songs entirely consists of boys spouting off a wad of nocturnal admissions, don't forget this 1991 hit. The band themselves were formed in Australia ten years earlier, but they've been keeping their hand in all manner of affairs down under ever since.

OOPS - TWEET
Keeping our fingers firmly pressed against the nub of youth, we move to this very recent chart smash, in which Tweet finds herself horny and alone in her flat, with only a mirror for company. One thing leads to another, and before you know it it's goodbye pants and hello dolly. Now, does anyone else feel a bit...soiled?