Hi I'm Gillian St Lawrence, In July The Washington Post published my story "By freezing embryos, couples try to utilize fertility while delaying parenthood."
Spurned by the strong reactions I received from people, Alexandra Frean of the Times of London decided to interview me and just published "The girl who's put family plans in the deep freeze."
At age 30, despite nine happy years of marriage, my husband and I were not able to offer a child the time and financial resources we believed our child deserved. But, our fertility clocks were ticking. We knew that once we hit our mid-30's we would face significantly greater risks of infertility, miscarriage and genetic abnormality. With no solution to this dilemma we decided that we would not have children - until we found out about embryo freezing.
We did what I call Preservation IVF. We preserved our young genetic material by undergoing in vitro fertilization (specifically, a gentler version called natural or minimal stimulation ivf) to create five blastocyst embryos. The embryos were frozen using vitrification technology, which has a 98% successful thaw rate at the clinics we visited.
We plan to wait until about age 40 to transfer an embryo to my uterus in the hopes of having a healthy baby. We figure that with an extra 10 years we should be able to reach our goals and be in a position to offer our child the time and resources to give him or her the best life we can.
Preservation IVF touches on many sensitive topics - the ethics of IVF, the fear of having to undergo "Desperation IVF" due to age related infertility, whether there is a "right" time to become a parent, what makes a "good" parent, and whether "rich" people are trying to buy the perfect child. And I have definitely received some passionate responses to my article.
Many readers seemed to infer that our decision to use Preservation IVF to delay parenthood meant that we disapproved of other families' decisions to have children earlier in life.
For example, Rebecca Odes wrote on her blog:
"But if St. Lawrence is saying it's not okay to have kids if you can't spend as much time with them as you want, what does that say about 99.98% of parents in the world? Should we all have engineered our conceptions, and lives, differently? St. Lawrence's quest for optimal parenthood may be personal, but there's a broader implication."
I was also confronted by people who, for reasons they could sometimes not put their finger on, have a burning desire to see our plan fail. One woman wondered "are these people so arrogant or naive that they honestly believe that they, and they alone, can control so many factors in their lives that they will be able, at a time of their choosing, to produce a child exactly when the financial, personal and professional stars are in perfect alignment? The world simply doesn't work that way, folks."
The infertility blogosphere was appalled by my use of the phrase "Desperation IVF" to describe the emotionally fraught process undertaken by infertile couples, many of whom are being treated for age related infertility. Critics saw the term as an insensitive swipe at the women undergoing infertility treatment, rather than an explicit warning to younger women who could do something to avoid it.
Although many have pointed out to me that there is never a "perfect" time to have a child, there are definitely the wrong times to have a child. But Preservation IVF gave us the option to become parents and offer a child the best we can at the best time for us. Once I had completed the process, I felt the need to share my story with other couples who might also benefit from this option.
My husband Paul and I will be coming on the show on Friday to answer any questions you have about our decision, feel free to post and talk to you soon.
That''s all for today''s programme - thanks for joining us! What will we be talking about next week? Well, that''s up to you. Let us know at
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:58
113631290
Lino in Malta emailed - I got married at 24, had two kids by the time I was 28, separated at 33; now that I'm 52, I've had another son from a second current relationship (we can't get married because there's no divorce in Malta); who knows had we planned our kids in this way, we might have separated without the trauma on the kids: I think it's a brilliant idea - go for it.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:53
113631290
Anthony in Yorkshire in the UK called - Have they thought about their grandchildren? The couple will be very old. I'm grandparent and if I was 10yrs older I'd miss out on playing with them
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:52
113631290
Rena in London e-mailed - I was very fit and healthy, but after giving birth at 35 I was never the same physically. You can always spot the older parents in the park. They are the ones who are sitting on the sidelines watching their kids play whilst the younger ones are chasing them around.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:50
113631290
Reginald Jackson emailed - I think its rather selfish to wait until 40s to have children, your children will be in their late 20s & early 30s and stuck taking care of their parents of failing health as well as their own kids if they choose to have them! Think about that
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:49
113631290
Linda in Waynesboro e-mailed - I have no problem with the concept of delaying childbirth in this way, but I really think that this couple is being very unrealistic psychologically. They think that they are going to feel "ready" for kids in their 40s, but my experience is that stuff happens in life, and there is no better time to have kids than when you are young.
Comment sent via Facebook
18:48
113631290
Ashley Sellers - More parents should approach the prospect of raising another human with the same care, intelligence and consideration as this couple.
Comment sent via Twitter
18:48
114696887
@大象传媒_WHYS let all parties put sentiments aside and lets find lasting peace
Comment sent via SMS
18:48
114696884
In reply you your caller who said that you start going down hill at 45 well whether its my age or the fact my children are 12 11 and 7 and i鈥檓 definitely going down hill:-). I agree with saving eggs and sperm for that matter for the health of the babies. You鈥檙e going to produce healthy children before all your energy is spent just keepin alive.:-) trust me i know. I鈥檓 dad and 44.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:47
113631290
Tuweni in Malawi called - I just want to tell Gillian that this is brilliant idea.It's about time women have a choice to decide when to have a baby. She's being totally responsible.
Comment sent via SMS
18:47
108470832
There is no perfect childhood, no matter how much you plan. I am disabled and we live off one salary. My daughter has learnt from watching me cope. Ottilie
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:45
113631290
Barbara in Ft Myers emailed - Give children "perfect" lives may deprive them of learning how to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs. It can be the hardships we endure as children that make us better adults.
Comment sent via Facebook
18:43
113631290
Hamed in Muharraq, Bahrain - I don't think it's a bad idea, as long as the embryos get destroyed once the women dies so it is guaranteed that no one will misuse them without her consent
Comment sent via BLOG
18:41
113631290
Clifford on the blog - I really do think this is a brilliant idea. I have a 19 onth old son, but my wife has depression (and did have depression during her pregnancy) Needless to say the situation got worse after the birth of our son. We would like to have another kid, but we most definately don't her to go through what she went through. She is still on medication and is doing well. Freezing our embryo's seem like a perfect idea.
Comment sent via BLOG
18:40
113631290
Steve on the blog - Something tells me that people who live in Georgetown don't worry much about the cost of spilled milk.
Comment sent via SMS
18:38
114577188
Josh in california- presuming on the brilliance of ur future is more of a gamble. Perhaps ur child needs ur young vitality not ur secure bank accounts!
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:38
113631290
Jamey in the USA e-mails - I wish more people would put thought into how they were going to treat their children and be involved in their lives. I applaud them for communicating with each other and establishing expectations for the life they want to make together.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:38
113631290
David in Indianapolis emails - They've read the books and thought the thoughts, but they haven't experienced the experiences yet, so they seem really naive
Comment sent via Facebook
18:33
113631290
Chipo Kaweme - if you are not christian/religious nor spiritual,freezing is not even an approved conventional method of contraception (or whatever its purpose)
Comment sent via Facebook
18:32
113631290
Susan Pease Banitt - Why I didn't: 1) didn't know long term effects on fetus ,2) don't trust to human error - what if they got lost, mixed up? 3) don't trust human motivation - what if they were used for research against my will? There's no way to keep track of said fetuses in someone else's freezer.
Comment sent via Facebook
18:32
113631290
Lisa Brown - Julius, did your mother tell you about the night you were conceived? Probably not! Most kids really don't want to hear about that.
Comment sent via Facebook
18:31
113631290
Julius Rotich - What wil she tell the kid later :the way she/he was concieved
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:30
113631290
Sean McAndrew emails - This couple is concerned about monitary factors. Have they considered the amount of energy they will have. He is 32 now, in 10 years he'll be 42, if its a boy that he wants to play baseball with at 14 he'll already be 56. Have they considered that. They'll be in their 60s when the children go to college. Is that worth it?
Comment sent via BLOG
18:28
113631290
David Price on the blog - Not really a very good idea.Think what it would be like raising children at 45 or more. They take most of your attention when you are young never,mind when you start to go downhill
Comment sent via SMS
18:28
113068625
If you wait until 40 you鈥檒l be dealing with sending a child to college when you want to take life easier.
Comment sent via BLOG
18:28
113631290
Irene in Texas on the blog - I had my kid at 34 and in retrospect it was too late. Not that I'm in bad physical shape and can't keep up, but after 12 years in the adult workplace, I just didn't remember what it was like to be a kid or how to relate to them. I'm learning the hard way and my daughter is having to put up with it. My husband is even worse.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:25
113631290
Margarita in Berlin emailed - I feel this couple could be missing out on the spontaneity and surprises of life. I wonder if their efforts for such control of their paths might eventually drive them mad or make their life feel dull.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
18:24
113631290
Olivene, Jamaica emailed - I am happy that Gillian and Paul are agreed that freezing their embryos is a good choice for them at this time. I remember, however, that the 大象传媒 carried a story some years ago of a lady who was rendered infertile by cancer treatments who had frozen embryos that were created with her partner. Sadly, when their relationship broke down she was forced by the courts to have those embryos destroyed because he had the right not to have children with her.
Why shouldn't women freeze their embryos?
| Friday, 9 Sept. 2010 | 18:00 - 19:00 GMT
Hi I'm Gillian St Lawrence, In July The Washington Post published my story "By freezing embryos, couples try to utilize fertility while delaying parenthood."
Spurned by the strong reactions I received from people, Alexandra Frean of the Times of London decided to interview me and just published "The girl who's put family plans in the deep freeze."
At age 30, despite nine happy years of marriage, my husband and I were not able to offer a child the time and financial resources we believed our child deserved. But, our fertility clocks were ticking. We knew that once we hit our mid-30's we would face significantly greater risks of infertility, miscarriage and genetic abnormality. With no solution to this dilemma we decided that we would not have children - until we found out about embryo freezing.
We did what I call Preservation IVF. We preserved our young genetic material by undergoing in vitro fertilization (specifically, a gentler version called natural or minimal stimulation ivf) to create five blastocyst embryos. The embryos were frozen using vitrification technology, which has a 98% successful thaw rate at the clinics we visited.
We plan to wait until about age 40 to transfer an embryo to my uterus in the hopes of having a healthy baby. We figure that with an extra 10 years we should be able to reach our goals and be in a position to offer our child the time and resources to give him or her the best life we can.
Preservation IVF touches on many sensitive topics - the ethics of IVF, the fear of having to undergo "Desperation IVF" due to age related infertility, whether there is a "right" time to become a parent, what makes a "good" parent, and whether "rich" people are trying to buy the perfect child. And I have definitely received some passionate responses to my article.
Many readers seemed to infer that our decision to use Preservation IVF to delay parenthood meant that we disapproved of other families' decisions to have children earlier in life.
For example, Rebecca Odes wrote on her blog:
"But if St. Lawrence is saying it's not okay to have kids if you can't spend as much time with them as you want, what does that say about 99.98% of parents in the world? Should we all have engineered our conceptions, and lives, differently? St. Lawrence's quest for optimal parenthood may be personal, but there's a broader implication."
I was also confronted by people who, for reasons they could sometimes not put their finger on, have a burning desire to see our plan fail. One woman wondered "are these people so arrogant or naive that they honestly believe that they, and they alone, can control so many factors in their lives that they will be able, at a time of their choosing, to produce a child exactly when the financial, personal and professional stars are in perfect alignment? The world simply doesn't work that way, folks."
The infertility blogosphere was appalled by my use of the phrase "Desperation IVF" to describe the emotionally fraught process undertaken by infertile couples, many of whom are being treated for age related infertility. Critics saw the term as an insensitive swipe at the women undergoing infertility treatment, rather than an explicit warning to younger women who could do something to avoid it.
Although many have pointed out to me that there is never a "perfect" time to have a child, there are definitely the wrong times to have a child. But Preservation IVF gave us the option to become parents and offer a child the best we can at the best time for us. Once I had completed the process, I felt the need to share my story with other couples who might also benefit from this option.
My husband Paul and I will be coming on the show on Friday to answer any questions you have about our decision, feel free to post and talk to you soon.
Your comments
Comment sent via host
That''s all for today''s programme - thanks for joining us! What will we be talking about next week? Well, that''s up to you. Let us know at
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Lino in Malta emailed - I got married at 24, had two kids by the time I was 28, separated at 33; now that I'm 52, I've had another son from a second current relationship (we can't get married because there's no divorce in Malta); who knows had we planned our kids in this way, we might have separated without the trauma on the kids: I think it's a brilliant idea - go for it.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Anthony in Yorkshire in the UK called - Have they thought about their grandchildren? The couple will be very old. I'm grandparent and if I was 10yrs older I'd miss out on playing with them
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Rena in London e-mailed - I was very fit and healthy, but after giving birth at 35 I was never the same physically. You can always spot the older parents in the park. They are the ones who are sitting on the sidelines watching their kids play whilst the younger ones are chasing them around.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Reginald Jackson emailed - I think its rather selfish to wait until 40s to have children, your children will be in their late 20s & early 30s and stuck taking care of their parents of failing health as well as their own kids if they choose to have them! Think about that
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Linda in Waynesboro e-mailed - I have no problem with the concept of delaying childbirth in this way, but I really think that this couple is being very unrealistic psychologically. They think that they are going to feel "ready" for kids in their 40s, but my experience is that stuff happens in life, and there is no better time to have kids than when you are young.
Comment sent via Facebook
Ashley Sellers - More parents should approach the prospect of raising another human with the same care, intelligence and consideration as this couple.
Comment sent via Twitter
@大象传媒_WHYS let all parties put sentiments aside and lets find lasting peace
Comment sent via SMS
In reply you your caller who said that you start going down hill at 45 well whether its my age or the fact my children are 12 11 and 7 and i鈥檓 definitely going down hill:-). I agree with saving eggs and sperm for that matter for the health of the babies. You鈥檙e going to produce healthy children before all your energy is spent just keepin alive.:-) trust me i know. I鈥檓 dad and 44.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Tuweni in Malawi called - I just want to tell Gillian that this is brilliant idea.It's about time women have a choice to decide when to have a baby. She's being totally responsible.
Comment sent via SMS
There is no perfect childhood, no matter how much you plan. I am disabled and we live off one salary. My daughter has learnt from watching me cope. Ottilie
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Barbara in Ft Myers emailed - Give children "perfect" lives may deprive them of learning how to cope with life’s inevitable ups and downs. It can be the hardships we endure as children that make us better adults.
Comment sent via Facebook
Hamed in Muharraq, Bahrain - I don't think it's a bad idea, as long as the embryos get destroyed once the women dies so it is guaranteed that no one will misuse them without her consent
Comment sent via BLOG
Clifford on the blog - I really do think this is a brilliant idea. I have a 19 onth old son, but my wife has depression (and did have depression during her pregnancy) Needless to say the situation got worse after the birth of our son. We would like to have another kid, but we most definately don't her to go through what she went through. She is still on medication and is doing well. Freezing our embryo's seem like a perfect idea.
Comment sent via BLOG
Steve on the blog - Something tells me that people who live in Georgetown don't worry much about the cost of spilled milk.
Comment sent via SMS
Josh in california- presuming on the brilliance of ur future is more of a gamble. Perhaps ur child needs ur young vitality not ur secure bank accounts!
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Jamey in the USA e-mails - I wish more people would put thought into how they were going to treat their children and be involved in their lives. I applaud them for communicating with each other and establishing expectations for the life they want to make together.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
David in Indianapolis emails - They've read the books and thought the thoughts, but they haven't experienced the experiences yet, so they seem really naive
Comment sent via Facebook
Chipo Kaweme - if you are not christian/religious nor spiritual,freezing is not even an approved conventional method of contraception (or whatever its purpose)
Comment sent via Facebook
Susan Pease Banitt - Why I didn't: 1) didn't know long term effects on fetus ,2) don't trust to human error - what if they got lost, mixed up? 3) don't trust human motivation - what if they were used for research against my will? There's no way to keep track of said fetuses in someone else's freezer.
Comment sent via Facebook
Lisa Brown - Julius, did your mother tell you about the night you were conceived? Probably not! Most kids really don't want to hear about that.
Comment sent via Facebook
Julius Rotich - What wil she tell the kid later :the way she/he was concieved
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Sean McAndrew emails - This couple is concerned about monitary factors. Have they considered the amount of energy they will have. He is 32 now, in 10 years he'll be 42, if its a boy that he wants to play baseball with at 14 he'll already be 56. Have they considered that. They'll be in their 60s when the children go to college. Is that worth it?
Comment sent via BLOG
David Price on the blog - Not really a very good idea.Think what it would be like raising children at 45 or more. They take most of your attention when you are young never,mind when you start to go downhill
Comment sent via SMS
If you wait until 40 you鈥檒l be dealing with sending a child to college when you want to take life easier.
Comment sent via BLOG
Irene in Texas on the blog - I had my kid at 34 and in retrospect it was too late. Not that I'm in bad physical shape and can't keep up, but after 12 years in the adult workplace, I just didn't remember what it was like to be a kid or how to relate to them. I'm learning the hard way and my daughter is having to put up with it. My husband is even worse.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Margarita in Berlin emailed - I feel this couple could be missing out on the spontaneity and surprises of life. I wonder if their efforts for such control of their paths might eventually drive them mad or make their life feel dull.
Comment sent via YOURSAY
Olivene, Jamaica emailed - I am happy that Gillian and Paul are agreed that freezing their embryos is a good choice for them at this time. I remember, however, that the 大象传媒 carried a story some years ago of a lady who was rendered infertile by cancer treatments who had frozen embryos that were created with her partner. Sadly, when their relationship broke down she was forced by the courts to have those embryos destroyed because he had the right not to have children with her.