Whether it鈥檚 the loss of a close relative, friend, pet or public figure, death can be hard to deal with. So how can we explain bereavement to children and support them in their sadness?
We asked Clare Bullen, Head of Clinical Services at Child Bereavement UK, to share her advice for talking about death with children and young people.
Provide opportunities for children to talk and ask questions
When processing the death of a loved one, children may have trouble sleeping, have an increase in anxiety or begin to feel indifferent about their lives. Being able to talk and ask questions will help them express their feelings and worries.
Child Bereavement UK supports children and young people up to the age of 25 who are bereaved of anybody important to them. 鈥淥ur underlying advice, regardless of age, is to give opportunities for children and young people to talk and to ask questions about death and to provide them with honest answers鈥 explains Clare.
鈥淚t's really important to normalise grief. Grief is a natural and normal response to the death of somebody important to you, no matter who they were.鈥
鈥淧rocessing death is like a jigsaw for children, they are trying to put all the pieces together. So, when they ask questions, it鈥檚 because they鈥檝e got a missing piece of the jigsaw and it doesn't make sense. Children have wonderful imaginations, if we don鈥檛 give them the answers to help them make sense of what's happened, then they can sometimes create a story which can often be a lot scarier and a lot worse than the reality itself.鈥
Sometimes children don鈥檛 feel able to ask questions as they worry about upsetting people. 鈥淲e as a society often avoid talking about death. So, for children, that creates a stigma or fear around it鈥 says Clare.
Talking about death openly and comfortably can alleviate some of their worries and begin their journey of understanding grief.
鈥淚t's really important to normalise grief. Grief is a natural and normal response to the death of somebody important to you, no matter who they were.鈥
Acknowledge that there will be good days and bad days
Grief may stay with us for the rest of our life. Some days we may feel in control of our grief but on other days we could feel completely broken.
鈥淲hen it comes to grieving, we all carry around an invisible suitcase where we pack our feelings and emotions away. Sometimes the suitcase can become quite full, and we can feel out of control鈥 explains Clare.
鈥淵ounger children tend to 鈥榩uddle jump鈥. This is when a child is desperately sad, crying and really demonstrating their grief. And then in the next moment they could be happy and laughing or wanting to play games. That 鈥榩uddle jumping鈥 is actually a very safe and normal way to grieve. But of course, because we as adults don't do that, we can sometimes misinterpret children.鈥
鈥淔or older children and teenagers, they can sometimes put on a mask. But of course, what grief does is sometimes causes that mask to slip. When they've got the mask on, everything's okay. And for whatever reason, that wave of grief, whether it's a smell, a sound or a memory, washes over them and they get really upset. This can lead to them feeling embarrassed or angry that they鈥檝e not been able to control it.鈥
It's important to acknowledge that it鈥檚 ok to feel emotional at times and to not be afraid of showing that emotion.
Child Bereavement UK has explaining 鈥榩uddle jumping.
Explain that grieving is personal to each individual
It鈥檚 also important to acknowledge that it鈥檚 ok to feel however you feel and understand that everybody expresses grief in different ways.
鈥淎s adults or parents, we should feel comfortable sharing how we feel with children. If we model how to articulate our emotions, children will often reciprocate which will help them understand their feelings a bit better鈥 explains Clare.
鈥淗owever, sometimes children may say that they don鈥檛 feel upset. Or they may say that they feel like they should be more upset. It鈥檚 essential to not make judgements or put expectations on children to feel how we may feel. We should always explain that everybody grieves in their own way and there is no correct way to process death.鈥
鈥淪ometimes children move away from their family ties and look for support from their peers. This can be so difficult and upsetting for parents. However, this can be the child鈥檚 way of trying to 鈥榩rotect鈥 the family. Peer support groups can be so helpful for children to be able to meet other young people that have had a similar experience and this may help them open up to their families later down the line鈥 says Claire.
Remember the person who died
Providing opportunities to remember the person who died can often make grief more manageable.
鈥淲e should be really mindful of special occasions, birthdays, anniversaries etc. Not talking about the person who passed away can feel like the elephant in the room. Even though they aren鈥檛 physically around, it鈥檚 important to keep their memory alive for children and remember the good times鈥 says Clare.
鈥淎s adults or parents, we should feel comfortable sharing how we feel with children. If we model how to articulate our emotions, children will often reciprocate which will help them understand their feelings a bit better鈥
Take care of yourself and seek support
We can鈥檛 pour from an empty cup, so it鈥檚 important to look after ourselves in order to best support our children. There may be times when you don鈥檛 have the answers or when you feel overwhelmed and that鈥檚 ok.
This Parents鈥 Toolkit article features six self-care tips for parents.
There are many support groups for families who have lost a loved one. You can also speak to friends, family, or your GP.
If you, or someone you know, has been affected by bereavement, there are a number of organisations listed here on the 大象传媒 Action Line that may be able to help.
support bereaved people in Scotland.
Barnardo's offer a list of service available in Northern Ireland .
Dewis Cymru has a that lists bereavement services in Wales.
For more advice and guidance, you can also call the or visit their website for more support.
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