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Classified Ads - 08/03/07

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Fraser McAlpine | 16:47 UK time, Thursday, 8 March 2007


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SONG-IMPROVAL SERVICE
-------------------
I've worked with them all.
From Snoop to Mozart
Could you be next?
You bring the tune,
I'll bring the sex lyrics.

Call Akon, anytime.

-------------------
FOR SALE:
WIGSAW PUZZLE
-------------------
5 million pieces
One careless lady owner
Guaranteed not to split

Call Money-Grabbing
LA Hair Salon
(Calls cost £1 per second)



-------------------
PERSONALS:
HEY ROBBIE...
-------------------
We had a vote.
You're now the THIRD
most popular in the band.
Ha ha ha!

Get well soon.
Gaz, Mark, How & Jay.

-------------------
FOR THE LAST TIME!
-------------------
The line is
"GODDAMN ARMS RACE"
it's not "ARSE-FACE" or
"ARSE-RACE" or
ANYTHING like that. OK?

Fed Up Boy.



-------------------
OPEN AUDITIONS
-------------------
Are you a hot actress?
Does everyone want you?
Snog me and make money
I'm making a video
...honest!

Call JT at Sexyback Productions

-------------------
QUICK SALE!
-------------------
Huge vat of milkshake
Previously used to
bring boys to yard.

Would make decorative
lake, if slightly smelly.



-------------------
LOST: TV REMOTE
-------------------
It was over there a
second ago, I'm sure
and now I can't see it.
Is someone standing
in the way?

Call B. Ditto...NOW!

-------------------
FOR SALE: HAPPY STUFF
-------------------
Blazer, wacky tie, smiles,
a cheeky wink (or two),
shouting "Wooaaargh!"
Such things are dead
to me now.

The Chief Kaiser.



-------------------
EXCITING NEW SERVICE!
-------------------
Decades judged
while you wait.
I can do the lot!
'70s, '60s, '50s...
Even the '30s! (probably)
All decades acceptable!
Call Vin Harris

-------------------
J-J-J-JOIN US!
-------------------
Just Jack, Jamie T, JoJo
Joss Stone, Justin T,
Junior Jack, J-Lo...
Notice a theme? Go J!

Discover the joys of the J experience. Free booklet.



-------------------
PLOT REVEALED!
-------------------
Life On Mars II
Female pop star,
transported back to
1943 to sing in her pants.
Is she mad? Comatose?

Wait and see.
Can D. Man

-------------------
FOR SALE: BOOKS
-------------------
'Career Resurrection',
'Laugh Like You're Mad',
'How To Meet Chris Martin
And Influence People'.
No longer needed.

Nelly F



-------------------
LOST CROSSWORD CLUE
-------------------
ENTER SHIKARI
(anagram - nearly)
Indie band competes to
make sexual advances on
'Hips Don't Lie' singer
(5, 7)
Send solution to
dunnit@indiexwords.net

-------------------
FOR SALE: LEGS
-------------------
Five pairs of shapely pins,
taken from fabulous stars
and dressed BRILLIANTLY.
Have puppet ones now,
and they're EVEN BETTER!

Hygenic amputation.
(with Scissors).



-------------------
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
-------------------
TEAM BIFFY
You're going to need to
start sneering at new fans
now. Are you ready for
THE ONSLAUGHT?

Remember, you liked them AGES AGO.

-------------------
WANTED:
-------------------
Marmite, baked beans,
pasties, fish & chips,
roast beef, jellied eels,
pie & mash, eccles cake,
stotties. I seem to have
forgotten who I am.

Miss J. Stone

Previous issues...

Comments

  1. At 10:06 PM on 08 Mar 2007, Kimberley wrote:

    Thanks for posting this...it made my really crappy day a little better! I especially like the J's one and the one about what the actual words are in Arm's Race. I still don't really know.

    [Aw...sorry to hear you've had a rough day, Kimberley. Glad we could do something to help! Chin up, chicken... -Fraser]

  2. At 06:28 PM on 09 Mar 2007, Lisa K wrote:

    Really funny! Especialy the one by 'The Chief Kaiser'!

  3. At 07:31 PM on 09 Mar 2007, Nick wrote:

    Haha, I love these things. The Kelis one is by far the best, absolutely hilarious.

    This has made my hangover day substantially better!

This post is closed to new comments.

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