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So a copy of one's dress has already hit the High Street shops

I see one's husband got the wrong end of the stick again

And do you wear blue if it's a boy?

Well, we thought "The Pink Angels" was more fitting than "Angels of Death"

The Queen opens the Dame Edna Everage Ward

Gosh! It's like looking into one's wardrobe.

Nurses? No, Your Majesty, we're the Barbara Cartland Appreciation Society.

Goodness! They usually send only the pretty ones to greet one.

And now Marm may I introduce Australia's leading Synchronized Nursing Team.

You're all in the pink I see

There would have been more to greet you, Your Majesty, but we heard your husband was coming too.

Yes Ma'am, we are reviewing the contract with the laundrette.

The Queen attends Clown School on Dress-down Friday

Walkabout Creek ? Oh thats right, Prince Philip has gone for a stroll.

I thought you would be in orange actually

Her Majesty sneezed, and was suddenly surrounded by paramedics

And I'm having afternoon tea with the Red Hat Society

We're all sponsored by Dulux, why do you ask?

Royal visit fiasco as one red sock contaminates hospital laundry

Do you know I once drove an ambulance?

Suddenly, Nicole (front) felt her legs giving way under the strain of meeting Royalty

Royal Tour of Australia results in yet another clash

So, whoever told all you young girls that Prince Harry would be with me?

Yes, Prince Philip will be along shortly and please keep smiling no matter what he says about the pink outfits

Chuck another one of the Barbies

The Queen showed off her party trick of tossing half her bouquet into the air and catching it in her hat

Let me guess - you're private, and all the other nurses are NHS?

You call that a curtsy, do you?

Even Rizzo bowed the knee to the Queen of the Pink Ladies

One does not close one's eyes ever

So, which one of you gives the TLC around here?

"We were told we'd be scrubbing up for ER today."

How good of you to offer one a leg up, but one is not the lady who changes the light bulbs

And even I do not call her Kate, my dear.

That's right, my washing powder said 'colourfast' too - why do you ask?

Philip will be so upset you don't do massages

To ER is human, but to give one flowers...

But it can't be a very big hospital if it's only for royal children ...

"So I just press this button and she springs up into the air, is that right?"

So who were you expecting, Dame Edna?

So, who chose the colour of anaemic blood?

The Queen opens the children's ward at St. Barbie's

Badges?! One does not have to show one no stinking badges!

The different shades of pink? Oh, the uniforms are specially designed to absorb perspiration.

Pinky and Curtsey

And if you see Philip having a heart attack, ignore him - he's only after a little TLC

At first glance, Her Majesty did like the hospital, but she couldn't tell whether she was just looking through rose tinted spectacles.

Shella suspected nothing as the other sisters took the chair from behind her.

Guy's and dolls

"Ah, when they told me I was going to see Alice Springs, I naturally thought..."

They chose me to greet you, Your Majesty, because I'm blonde, beautiful, and able to hover

Oh come on... you must know it... dum-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-da-da, dum-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-da-da, dum-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-da-da, ayyyyy Macarena!

Now, they all wished they'd done the 'effective communication with the elderly and confused module' as an option on their training course.

Philip's having a rest - when I asked if he were ready to see a nurse, he though I said "see an 'earse"

Queen Visits Acute Hospital

Yes Ma'am, just like flamingos we're all this colour because we mainly eat shrimps.

"It was an honest mistake" said Philip, several hours after leaving the hospital with one of the nurses.

Find me a doctor, will you? These roses need to be put in water.

What do you mean? Where's one's name badge?

What do you mean you were expecting Freddie Mercury ?

Why is Sheila's uniform bright red? Well, she's just come straight from surgery ...

Queen forgets to bring her pyjamas to slumber party.

Is this right place to audition for the Sheilas Wheels adverts?

"Be careful with the flash - you never know what once in a lifetime photo opportunity will be ruined by blinking at the wrong moment" - 'Photography: A Beginners Guide' by A. Snapper

I'm looking for the International Crown convention ...

Another one Throne and the Barbies

And are we having prawns for lunch?

At least our knees bend the right way, eh?

The tour concluded with Her Majesty being introduced to one of Australia's new "maglev" nurses.

Hands up all those who fancy working back to back shifts since we are not getting anything done this morning due to my visit.

And you say Elton John designed the nurses' uniforms?

Try and ignore Philip - with his declining eyesight, he'll think you're all nude

"One from the top and any other five please, Rachel"

Gosh. Has Debenhams released a copy of one's outfit already?

And so you're all the results of penal transportation, then?

Nurse on the right: "find a happy place, find a happy place"

no, sorry, I dont know Harry's phone number or his email address either.

The Australian PM had had to tell republicans that the hospital was named after famous outbackers Roy Wilkins and Al Gibson

Memo from the Office of the Australian PM : "When you meet Her Majesty, avert your eyes"

And, as soon as she's gone, get those cheerleaders back to the stadium, and move back the old frumps

We still have not found the girl who put her red socks into the white wash.

The Return of the Pink Bedpanther

Of course Australia needs a large children's Hospital - Skippy keeps finding them injured in the old mill

So you go to Primark as well, Your Majesty?

Pardon me Ma'am but are you sure it's not wind you have, you look a bit old to be pregnant

Shelia suddenly realised that she hadn't put her Tena pad in that morning

Yes thanks the flight wasn't too long only 29 hours not like the six weeks on a ship your relatives took all those years ago

Philip is absolutely convinved he voted for you on The X-Factor

Not used to an old biddy smelling of damp corgi's, race horses and gin, Shelias knees buckled as it hit her nose.

Philip, about that missing red sock you said must have been mixed in with my laundry...

Oh no, thought Her Majesty - now all the newspapers are going to say I was tickled pink

This place is for paediatrics? Great, my feet are kiilling me.

The Queen is admitted to hospital suffering from shock, after having had to travel across Melbourne by tram

Yes Ma'am I took Lady Hollands powder in a posset this morning and I think I've just passed the bullet

#see todays magazine#

She's back soon on an unofficial visit to unofficially open some cupboards.

Of course I perspire a lot - I'm a wet nurse

I only asked for a Coca cola and Philip went off at a tangent, mumbled something about getting the little furry thing through customs

Actually, Your Majesty, I don't think A&E stands for Australia and Elizabeth

The Futures Bright, The Futures Fuschia.

Sorry, Virginia, but when Philip said he fancied a pink gin ...