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Gloria was pleased she'd gone to the Buckingham Palace car boot sale

Unfortunately, when anyone died, Julie had to wear her skirt around her knees

Natalie had been escorted out of the Royal Enclosure by the Fashion Police

Nobody was sure if Natalie were a Royalist or a Monarchist, but everyone agreed she was a really rubbish dresser

Union Jacky.

Poor Natalie had had to be escorted out after frightening the corgis

Natalie wasn't keen when asked to raise the flag

That's about as tasteless as the ´óÏó´«Ã½'s coverage of the Thames Diamond Jubilee Pageant

Natalie decided to wear the dress after the Queen rejected it in favour of something from Primark

Apparently, The Queen asked for Natalie to be removed after everyone thought the sound of deflating balloons was coming from her

Poor Natalie, still carrying a torch for me

Natalie was so upset when she was told she was wearing the dress upside-down

Chuckles the Clown's heart sank...

Her Majesty had had Natalie ejected because she was wearing exactly the same outfit as She was

It wasn`t only the price of Mrs Shillings hats that had Ballooned.

There's always Blackpool.

Natalie had been thrown out for selling ice-cream without a licence

What were the odds Elton John would have the same outfit?!

All the residents of Natalie's street had wondered where all the bunting had got to

Natalie was especially upset at being thrown out as she had bought the entire outfit at the Buckingham Palace Gift Shop ...

That isn't the Olympic torch, it's just an old flame of mine

The dress left very little to the imagination - everyone knew exactly what her underwear would be like

Take that, Wonder Woman.

And Natalie had even carried the torch all the way from Mount Olympus

I think that's what's known as a rank outsider...

Natalie was relieved it was over......enclosure being an important step.

Actually, I'm a republican, but I just adore the colours

I may have misread when it said 'Have a ball on Ladies Day'

Trouncing the colours.

Worn at the Royal enclosure made in China

"But they let John McCririck in when he wore this..."

After being 'asked to leave', Natalie couldn't bear the shame.
Unfortunately no-one noticed anything unusual around the top of the flag pole for several hours...

"Mirror,mirror on the door,am I not the wackiest of them all?"

Just hope the train is less crowded than on the way in...

The "Haves" and the "Nat Havs"

When the going gets tough...

They said I was frightening the horses.

She would have got away with it until she was asked where the other spice girls were

"They said 'no trainers in the Royal Enclosure', but I notice they let Sir Henry Cecil in."

One instinctively knew that Carole Middleton couldn't keep up the act indefinitely

Specter Horribilis.

The Royal "Non!"

Rue Britannia

Unfortunately Natalie had tucked the tablecloth into her knickers

Natalie had thought that "Knighting the Queen" with her Tickling-Stick come Olympic Torch had been a jolly japing good idea at the time. . .

She was certainly Natalie-dressed

"I must say they were a lot nicer than Father Christmas's elves who tossed me out of his grotto in December".

Tacky Races

And like a torrent rush,
Rebel Ascots to Crush ...

Columbia Pictures had tried to get some free publicity and The Queen wasn't having it

Flags for the memory, Natalie. Thanks too for carrying a torch for me.

"Tipsters are doing it for themselves..."

That's strange - I never saw THAT enclosure when we were at Regent's Park Zoo

Land of "Nope" and "Ghastly".

The inspiration for the outfit? All down to inflation.

I knew fascinators were banned - no mention of balloons

The Ascot Race coarse...

The things you see when you haven't got a pin.

...and all of it available from the Middleton Incs. Partyware catalogue

Timmy Mallet's sister

The Anti-Terrorist Squad was called in after reports that someone was trying to blow up in the Royal Enclosure

Haverstock? More like Haverntaclue.

They said: "Sweetie, Empire line dresses are SO 1815."

And let's leave The Queen as she prepares to dance the Cancan, and go over to Fearne Cotton ...

All pieced together from scrounged items from Jubilee parties.

"It's funny 'cos I tried to blend in but somehow I got flagged".

Unfortunately, it wasn't dress-down Friday at Ascot

Cristina Fernandez finally comes down onthe side of Britain after being won over by David Cameron's arguments

When I said you'd do for Ascot, I meant as lagging for our old boiler

Union Jill

My underwear is made of balloons too ...POP!

...and they're off!

And, from the Spice Girls, here's Emma Bunting ...

Everything was going fine with her headgear until Natalie tried to put her hat-pin in

It's upside down !

Wardrobe malfunction!

Natalie would have been OK if she hadn't taken the seat directly in front of The Queen

Natalie's headwear was blown out of all proportion

The Union Tack(y)

Prince Philip had pleaded with Security to let her stay ... just as long as she took the offending dress off

Trotters Independent Trading had reformed to cash in on the Jubilee celebrations

"Silly me,I thought it said 'Loyal enclosure'!"

WPC Haverstock had been assigned to Royal Ascot as a plain-clothes policewoman

"I'm handing on the torch to Jimmy Carr - he doesn't bother with tacks."

Next year, Natalie would be careful not to order her outfit at the very last minute

"I can safely say I was not on pins and needles worrying about whether I would be asked to leave."

Air today, gone tomorrow...

Lady Gee Gee!

Well, nobody minded when I dressed like this to sing "Rule, Britannia!" at the Albert Hall

"I can't believe they threw me out! All I said was 'that looks nothing like a poodle!'"

'You haven't just let yourself down...'

A way is finally found to incorporate Wales in the Union Jack, by getting some old dragon to wear it

The Security Staff were obliged to call out the Pat Riot Police

After making a dress and making a hat and making a balloon torch the only thing Natalie had left to do was to make a spectacle of herself.

Natalie had been hoping to hear Sir Cliff exercising his vocal skills when she realised this wasn't Wimbledon after all...

Industrial action meant security was less rigorous than usual in mental hospitals too

She vowed to read the rules more carefully next year.
Apparently she was ineligible for 'best turned out filly'

Rejected by society, outlandishly dressed, clearly demented, and with a balloon-fetish ... yes, this is who the UK should have entered in this year's Eurovision Song Contest

Actually, I'm a doctor, but, as I didn't have anything better to do today ...

They said I was a royal pain.

Do you think the horses will like my carrot?