大象传媒

WHAT PROFIT A MAN?
(With proper respect to Robert Service)

When money goes bad and the world goes mad
And you're stuck with Gordon Brown;
The Conference near and the Campbell sneer
Has once again hit town.
When you know that doom has booked a room
At the Not-OK Coral
Then with wisdom's demise it is no surprise
That the watchword is: 'banal'.
There was once a time ere slick turned to slime
Each party had dogma and creed
But with Thatcher and Blair came a miasmic air
And an all pervading greed.
Soon Margaret and Mark through the armaments lark
In the Rich List were forging ahead
While tobacco topped up Margaret鈥檚 overfull cup
And added a few to the dead.
Tony Blair with much style and a Hollywood smile
Talked grand charismatic tosh
And Old Labour鈥檚 creed that bolstered a breed
He beat down with a gleaming New cosh.
Then false money piled high as he waved truth goodbye
And Gordon flogged off all our gold;
By the time it was known - the illusion was blown
Poor old Blighty had caught the world鈥檚 cold.
For the money that they, thought would let them make hay
Was nothing but straws in the wind.
Pious Gordon, when asked, in morality basked;
Said: 'Forgive them Lord, for THEY have sinned.'
Then up spake young Dave, he said: 'Pavement鈥檚 I鈥檒l pave
With the gold I shall conjure from air!'
Tory stock rose so high it made stock-brokers cry;
Once more: value with no substance there!
Then Clegg towered aloft and while everyone scoffed
He said: 'I've got the answer: it鈥檚 thrift'
But his rating stayed '2' with his head up his flue
And the media gave him short shrift.
The Lutine鈥檚 old bell rang a terrible knell
As Reason was hung on its rope;
Weird alchemy reigned in the largely no-brained
And despair was transmuted to hope.
Now governments throw more imaginary dough
In that debt-hole, so much to be feared
And the miracle is it has calmed all the tizz
And the hole has filled up - disappeared!



Then Gordon, when called, for an answer quite bald
To the matter of finding the cash
Said: 'Have I not shown, we could stand yet more loan?
Rest assured OUR economy won鈥檛 crash!鈥�
How the loan will be met as it just means more debt
Is a puzzle beyond angels' ken
So just cast it aside, let it leave on the tide
Remember that WE are mere men.
But now that it's said Gordon鈥檚 reign might be dead
They鈥檙e beginning to ask what he knows!
And to understand risk we are going to whisk
Brown鈥檚 successor off to - casinos.
The truth is quite plain, all the world is insane
And money: no token of worth.
It exists of itself to destroy us by stealth;
Slipped Hob's pocket, when he fell to Earth.
Now the land is beset with a welter of debt
And a dearth of the trust we once had
While the Bible sales top all the books in the shop
For it warns of when money goes bad.

GOVERNMENT TO ASK PUBLIC'S OPINION

Yeah - right.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Meanwhile, over t'other side of the world... a bit of a 'do'.

But it's OK, on lunchtime news I see Dear Leader thinks he can speak for the rest of the world... as has always been suspected if not proven 'til now.

Sorry, not feeling too cheery (is this the new sparkly?) at the 'mo.

I am sure I will compose better with time.

Barry, we exchanged views on the 'whip' system a wee while ago.

You should pop over to Guido's order-order (guessing that's not a URL that would make it) to see how an already choice system is being finessed by our GOATs.

Who needs to win a war when you can fix a battle or two and still keep your pay, perks, pensions, etc?

JunkkMale

Thanks for clearing that up. I too watched the lunchtime news.

"I am shocked and outraged at the tragic destruction of innocent lives."



Obviously I had missed something and thought he was apologising for the Iraq war. Silly me.

Celtic Lion

my bank sent me a letter
it will be worse before it gets better
but the thing that really makes me frown
the bank will make more getting things back
than it diid going down

The country was in quite a terrible state
when the government for a public debate
it was quite me time before Gordon spoke
the masses assembled versus one Scottish bloke

He said "We'll not give way to these financial bullies,
but cheers MFI, and you're on your own, Woollies,
The banks are now ours! Taxpayers unite!
We'll give them a run for their money alright.

I've borrowed in ways that you won't understand
Taken cash from your mouth, put it into my hand
Using financial vehicles that defy common sense
Turning banks into dust, and your pounds into pence

And as for my visions, my plans and ideas
I'll tax your cigarettes, and your petrol and beers
Ask not what I'll do - just look what I did
Can anyone lend me a couple of quid?

Woolly thinking?

It鈥檚 gone it鈥檚 finally bit the dust!
A victim of the boom and bust.
They nearly made a hundred years
But Ostrich like ignored our fears.

With cheap and cheerful household goods
Kettles, sweets and plates and plugs.
They could not lure us shopping types.
From mega supermarket hype.

Buyer beware, for now it鈥檚 gone
A high street icon鈥檚 time has come
As once in days more cold than these.
The Woolly Mammoth took its leave.

We're headed for a Credit-crunch Christmas,
It's goodbye to the wasteful and thriftless.
But with Darling at the helm,
Of this curios realm,
Surely next year cannot be so cheerless?

What did we see in the High Street today?
Woolworths are no more. MFI dropped down the crack of our consumer memories.
But 'twas brilliant while it lasted. Until slithy crunches crunched, and we looked for a beamish boy with a vorpal sword. And realised we'd already abused him.
On the streets the people go, buying meaning and identity and then unwrapping it and discovering nothing.

BULLYING IN THE WORK PLACE (#3)

HI Junkk. As I recently posted, the whips are known to bully their own charges - sometimes quite nastily. Now, as you point out, Brown has got them behaving badly in the chamber. (Strange how apt that term is.)

The key to all this is Brown's split mentality.
He really is: 'Gordon, a suitable case for treatment' (to apply the 1966 film title).
For all Tony's two faces, I think he 'knew' deep down. With Gordon, I am convinced the Moral Compass directed, Son of the Manse, has no knowledge of the Devious Schemer who moves money off the books, juggles 'The Cycle' and has released the dogs of parliamentary war.

AD NAUSIAM: the Westminster model yields, by default, damaged leaders. There is not enough wisdom left in our society to counter this reality. It will get worse - it IS getting worse - daily.

Depression hits me

No education in prudence,
Nothing left in the bank.
We've been spending like Gordon.
Now we're firing blanks.

It went:
New car.
"I want an electric guitar."
New shoes.
"Let's eat out tonight dear"
Nothing to lose.

Now it goes:
My only comfort is Osborne's gloating head,
Daily on my screen.

And I SCREAM!

Gordon Brown,
hit town,
interest started going down.

Darling man,
scraping pan,
Something started hitting fan.

Then disgrace,
lost face,
could't care less about human race.

Big bank,
think tank,
Then quite suddenly, it sank.

Savings gone,
alright my son,
No new motor this time, John.

Tax paid,
funds waylaid,
Now I'll have to sack the maid.

Woollies broke,
MFI, a joke,
I am just a baffled bloke.

Just one question while I'm on...
...WHERE has all the money gone?

To the tune of "Golden Brown" by The Stranglers:


Gordon Brown, somebody's son
Blow me down, look at what he's done
Put on his kilt
Borrowed up to the hilt
Always a clown, that's Gordon Brown

Calculating, brazen and bold
Opening koffers, selling our gold
To distant lands
Washing his hands
Always a clown, that's Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown found a temptress
Keeps a fiver under his vest
Hidden away
for a rainy day
Always a clown, that's Gordon Brown

Rain's coming down
Thanks Gordon Brown
Lend us a pound
Please Gordon Brown

Blame Gordon, for the yr loss of values -

An atheist I am but something has to be said for christian dome and how it valued honesty trust and commitment.
The loss of these values underpin the decline of Western Civilisation and the transfer of the centre of commerce from London,Franfurt and NY to Mumbai and Beijing.

Blame Gordon , but Cameron will do worse.

Blame Gordon, but he is the last straw to your great past .

Blame Gordon, but his belief in this dying system is being copied the worldover.

Remove Gordon and the world will embrace him as its advisor while you sink further anchored by Cameroon to the bottom of the ocean of dispair and hopelessnes

Oh Newsnight what a Shame
You are always looking to place the blame
You tell us why with your comment
Always Always after the event
You rush in guests because of the news
But always those with extreme views

MONEYMONEYMONEY
CRUNCH
moneymoneymoney

I'd like to nominate Pam Ayres to be the next Poet Laureate.

People should lighten up. It's time there was a woman in the job and she is a poet of the people.

There was a young lady from Gwent,
Made a snowman while pitching her tent,
But amidst all her thrashing
and heat of her passion,
meant rather than coming he went.

The times maybe dark its true
But theres no need to feel so blue
Though theres a credit crunch
Were quite a tough bunch
So lets spend like we haven't a clue

THE CREDIT CRUNCH IS HEAR, OH MY GOD WHAT UPROAR I FELL UP HERE!
MY POCKET IS ALMOST EMPTY, BUT I THINK NOBODY IS AWAITING.
WALL STREET IS DOWN AND WITH IT ARE MY HOPES STRAIGHTDOWN.
THE BAILOUT IS IN FUNCTION FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHEN THOSE FAIL MORTGAGE TAKE THE MONEY AND PUT IT ITSELF AS AN INFUSION.
NOW THE "VAT" IS SHOWING ITS FACE, BUT THE WHISKY IS GOING TO RAISE.
THE VENERABLE QUEEN, IS THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS MESS, SO LET SEE WHEN ENGLAND START TO PROFIT IN, INBETWEEN, AGAIN.

The Crunch is here upon us. Aye! Gordon's dropped us in it.
There's worse to come, here's Mandelson, and he will surely spin it.

But wait, Young Osborne's in the wings, he'll have a thing to say.
Perhaps he'll make New Labour sweat, at last he'll earn his pay.

Now pay-- we hear so much about that, though some of us don't get much.
It's given instead to Bankers, for being so out of touch.

The mess it came from sub-prime loans from the US, and also here.
Now we've a Sub-Prime Minister, my word, now ain't that queer!!

He's a humble economist Vince Cable,
And he takes the Liberal Democrat label
He predicted the crunch
When no-one else had a hunch
Oh Dr. Cable, he is really so able!

We're making this up as we go along
Who can tell what the right answer is?
If you're big and in trouble, just sing us your song
For the cash, we are all about biz
They fly into DC in Gulfstreams and Lears
To complain about how times are tough
And they simply can't honor those labor contracts
The Big 3 aren't making enough
While the rest of the world was paying attention
To exhaustion of cheap energy
They built Tahoes and Hummers and Expeditions
And their hybrids get 12 MPG
Executives get paid for calling the shots
Making all the tough choices, you see
Who could have foreseen when gas hit five bucks
That they wouldn't sell if they were free?
So they鈥檙e flying to Washington, down on their luck
They hope we鈥檒l front them some dough
The same people who killed the electric car,
Need a bailout, whattayaknow!

Spending the Kids鈥� Inheritance

generation downhill
generation SKI
watch the tired earth turn ill
and beg 鈥� god leave enough for me鈥︹��

鈥溾�ee me through the dying of the light
let me have a final run鈥�
did we not earn our spending might?
our promised placement in the sun 鈥�

the baby Boomer Boom booms
by devising new derivatives - a landslide,
an avalanche of avarice, that consumes,
then empowers the terror tide

tsunami of junk filled dreams
consume consume consume
crash down on your gluttonous extremes
and bequeath a broadening gloom

Rhymes for our Times
By Peter Bild, Berlin

(With apologies to Hilaire Ogden Betjeman!)


Who said the emperor鈥檚 got no clothes?
Truth? It鈥檚 what a banker loathes.

Oh Masters of the universe!
Tell me please, what could be worse
Than bankers heading for a fall.
Let them grovel, let them crawl!
Schadenfreude? Not at all!

Buy a home! Buy three, no four!
They鈥檙e not dear, they鈥檙e worth much more.
I鈥檓 an expert realtor.
I鈥檓 the broker who espouses
That鈥檚 what borrowed money鈥檚 for.
Yes, the market鈥檚 safe as houses.

For the more acquisitive
Try trading a derivative.
Indisputably financial,
They make deals more influential.
Profits reach their full potential,
You can make them exponential.

You鈥檙e so smart 鈥� but who鈥檇 have thought it.
Sell a share before you鈥檝e bought it.
Market bears: who love to short it.
Seeing markets all distorted.
Though it鈥檚 rarely well reported,
That is how, with falling prices
You make money from the crisis,

When the traders tell their bosses,
Those weren鈥檛 profits, those were losses.
Other folks will bear the onus.
Leaving bankers with their bonus,
Slurping wines and fine champagnes
With their ill-begotten gains.
Lots of loot down lots of drains.
Where art thou, John Maynard Keynes?

What happens when the bankers fumble?
Doesn鈥檛 even make them humble.
Some banks tremble, others crumble
After all that speculation.
Bottom line: administration
And Wall Street鈥檚 defenestration.
Main Street, meanwhile, in frustration
Suffers the humiliation
Of financial conflagration.
Who picks up the tab? The nation!

Understand the nitty gritty?
Bankers don鈥檛. More鈥檚 the pity.
Signing off the trading chitty.
In New York and London City
Alter-ids of Walter Mitty
Think this ditty鈥檚 pretty shitty.




In a system with an anchor.
Money now is what I hanker.
Wonder why what whymes with banker
Won鈥檛 be witten without wancour.

Hail to Henry Paulson. Hank
Came to Treasury from a bank.
Hail to the financial wizard
Sheltered from financial blizzard.
Hail to Hank whose banking wisdom
Might yet save the sinking system.

Is it greed? No just stupidity
Feeding on our mass cupidity
To inject more cheap liquidity?

Let the Chinese buy our dollar.
When it falls, just let them holler.
Thus with Wall Street鈥檚 contribution
Uncle Sam wins retribution
For his post-war dissolution.
All in all, a fair solution
For the dollar's dire dilution.

Here鈥檚 a twist you may have missed.
Moody鈥檚, S and P insist,
Like the alchemist of old,
This ain鈥檛 sub-prime shit. it鈥檚 GOLD!
Let us rate them Triple A
Housing loans are quite OK
Care-packaged in the USA.

Wrapped up neat they look a treat.
While shysters on the New York street
Sell those bonds, a dime a bunch.
鈥淪pot the lady, play your hunch.
Get one free." A sucker punch.
Don't worry, folks, if you don't geddit.
Trust us bankers. Give us credit:
Credit for the credit crunch.

Meanwhile, please enjoy your lunch.
And listen to your President
Still the White House resident:
鈥淕od bless y鈥檃ll 鈥� and here鈥檚 some howdies
To my friends, the Royal Saudis.
On the Sunni side o鈥檛he street,
They鈥檙e the folks I want to meet.

The price of oil? Why that don鈥檛 vex us.
My well鈥檚 bubbling back in Texas.
Shakespeare鈥檚 Tempest? What the hell!
Oil鈥檚 well that ends well!鈥�

Don鈥檛 fall prey to doom and gloom,
Threats of war make business boom.
Missile tests increase your sales.
So, what to do if all else fails?
Don鈥檛 put immigrants in jails.
Give passports to Latino males.

With oil to fill a jerrycan,
Dearly bought in Kurdistan,
From a staunch Republican
Send them to Afghanistan
To keep an eye on Pakistan
And bravely bomb the Tali-ban.

.

They鈥檒l die, but die Ameri-can

Can we do it? 鈥淵es We Can鈥�
Happy with Obama鈥檚 mailing?
Who鈥檚 complaining, I鈥檓 not wailing.





His campaigning ain鈥檛 plain sailing.
What was John鈥檚 McCain鈥檚 main failin鈥�?
Ailin鈥�, he picked Sarah Palin.
So that she could boost retailin鈥�.

None is fairer, so our Sarah,
Flew down from her snowy Sierra.
Standing for the undiscerning
She had hockey-dads all yearning.
She appealed, by spurning learning.
Fashion stores, at least, were earning.
No-one even smelt the burning.

Pregnant, Sarah gave a push.
There was one almighty Whoosh.
And Sarah doused the Burning Bush.

From Woollies we bought all our tat,
MFI鈥檚 stuff wasn鈥檛 all that,
Now let鈥檚 all go posh,
And give Harrods our dosh,
With the money we鈥檒l save on the VAT.

Things have changed in many ways
Very quickly these past few days
Titans of commerce on their knees
Hands out to government hear their pleas

The horizons darken the future bleakens
The strength of countries slump and weaken
Who's to blame the people call
Who will save us one and all

For those without a home or jobs
Retribution wont stop or slow the sobs
Is this the start of the predicted fall
When man and planet face the wall

The wall so long and so high
Without a door or window nigh
We stand alone no words to say
The true blames lies in the USA

When Banks were run by Bankers
they were strong and grew
then in came the accountants
and retail men who

knew nothing about banking
or assessing credit lines

My pension鈥檚 due tomorrow
I鈥檒l pay off all that鈥檚 due
Council tax and water rates
Gas and electric too

Buy savings stamps for licence
Telly鈥檚 my daily pleasure
Not because I like it much
It鈥檚 all I鈥檝e got for leisure

I need a light bulb in the loo
And a battery for my clock
I know it doesn鈥檛 sound much
But the prices are a shock

It would be nice now it鈥檚 so cold
To have a scarf and hat
With Woolies closing down sale
Perhaps I鈥檒l manage that

I鈥檓 sure that nice man Mr Brown
Has me on his list
He said he鈥檇 help old folk like us
As helplessly we drift

Deep into poverty and despair!

Alex Mitchell
27 November 2008

pity the plight of the poor apostrophe
UK has a shortage?
missing from Woolworths where it ought to be
大象传媒 confused?
or is Woolworth's not what it used to be?

A verse for here and now
And newsnight fame
Not a haiku - that鈥檚 too crisp a frame.
With buffoon Boris laying out the blame
as foolish as a razor blade.
Two million into Westfield鈥檚 doors
a credit crunch fa莽ade.
Slashing prices, a knife fight in the high street
Maybe that鈥檚 the message
every school kid learns,
spending鈥檚 not related to anything you earn.

Well I鈥檓 sending back the turkey
We鈥檒l have chicken wings instead
And the heating鈥檚 down to zero
We鈥檒l spend Christmas Day in bed

No need to don a party frock
No need to style my hair
鈥楥os in this cut-back cut-down time
No-one鈥檚 going anywhere

Yes I鈥檓 saving up my pennies
And I鈥檓 making gifts for free
And I鈥檓 only using Bacofoil
To dress my tiny tree

The kids are getting cardboard
And old tin cans and string
And my husband鈥檚 getting backache
From recycling everything

鈥楥os making mend and making do
Is now the latest trend
We can still be smug and godly
If we just control our spend

Thus we鈥檒l weather the recession
Sit-out financial storms
And only venture out again
When the FTSE鈥檚 back on form

Not being at the front of the queue when word skills were handed out, I borrow from the wisdom of the philosopher Clint Eastwood. "A man's gotta know his limitations", so no contribution from me here.

All I want to say is you have all kept me amazed and amused for a day with your contributions. Quality.

Thankyou

Celtic Lion

I don't have a penny to spend
But I'm not going to go round the bend
I'm just happy to know
That those with some dough
Are seeing the light in the end!

Dear Woollies and Marks, Smiths and Booties,
What now for the winter recruitees?
Would madam like cashback, some points or a gift wrap?
Or would she just like to stay home-ies?

Oh crikey I've lost my ID
Now what will happen to me?
If I can't be me, then who will I be?
And who is the me that I used to be?

Once upon a time, Santa came up against the credit crunch. He did an impression of a "rabbit in headlights" like every one else for a while, but then thank fully because he came from a family of lateral thinking problem solvers, his problem solving brain kicked in and he solved the problems!

His main problem now was, what was the best way of comminicating this wonderful gifts of knowledge and hope to the very people who needed them?

He knew about the customer loyalty schemes that would mean a client wouldnt leave you it would cost them too much to do so, he knew about the perfect customer focused business model, he knew about how to market just about any senario placed before him (and started setting himself tasks around this just for fun because it was so easy from his new viewpoint), and could even come up with solutions half way through telephone conversations to his elves (which even he found impressive)!

But santa was only designed to help other people (which is why he was so very good at solving other peoples problems in the first place). When it came to marketing himself, he found it a fussy haze! What should santa do, so that his information gets to the people who need it this christmas?! :)

Just thought you might like this and also if any other bloggers have similar ideas on the subect?

A Plea For A New Proper Political Party

Theyve gone and done it this time,
Those folk who make our laws,
For in the till theyve gone and shoved,
Their seedy, greedy paws.

They take from those who work,
Taxes in millions and millions.
Then, on those who only shirk,
They squander billions and billions.

Then, when the books dont tally,
They sell the countries wares,
The precious power plants, the gold.
Then buy some worthless shares.

They bloat the public pay roll
In order to gain more votes,
They ransack private pensions funds,
Then treat us just like goats.

They tell us the Post Office,
Is finished, is just about to fail,
So intend to close most of them,
And then auction off Royal Mail.

With multiculturalism as their mantra
They condone the turban and the bhurka,
But then condemn the wearing of a cross,
By a Christian student and B.A. worker.

In the name of political correctness,
They've tied behind their backs,
The hands of teachers and policemen,
Reporters, journalists and hacks.

They tell us what to do, and when,
And how - And why they know it.
They fine us if we dare to drive,
Then grab the cash and blow it.














































They pedal health and safety,
To prevent us having fun.
And nearly all who ran a pub,
Have shut up shop and run.

The criminals among us,
Are now rarely sent to jail.
And even those who murder,
Are left to roam about on bail.

They will let into the country,
Every scrounger, every shirker,
But ban the very best of them,
Our brave, bold friend the Gurkha.

They live their lives in towers,
The high and ivory sort,
Forgetting that their powers,
Can suddenly be cut short.

So its time that we, the disaffected
Got together, got more chumm(l)y,
To form a new Proper political party,
With, as our Premier, Joanna Lumley.

Karina Hayklan 39/05/09