大象传媒

One of the chaps on the ward was doing leatherwork as part of his therapy, so Sandy asked him to make me a handbag. It was the most sensible handbag I ever owned. Square, with no fussy inside pockets, sewn together with strong leather thongs, a zip at the top and a handle that doubled over to use as a handbag and single to carry on your shoulder, infact I could almost get my gas mask in it.

One day Sandy said he was going to be sent to another hospital for 'deep ray' treatment at a place called Northwood. I decided it would be wise to go on Saturday, as I would have more time. So again with the help of the reverend Sutherland's map off I went after half a days work, cycling through Enfield, Barnet, Elstree, towards Pinner and Northwood. It was an odd-looking place and guess what, I was refused entry, so nowt to do but cycle home again. It was a hot day and I was wearing my short shorts. After a while two young lads of about 14 and 16 accompanied me as far as Enfield, which helped to cheer things up a bit. Sandy was back at Chase Farm the next day, but the treatment didn't seem to have helped him, infact he appeared weaker.

It was getting to the end of summer and light evenings and at times it was dark before I started out. A white owl silently keeping up with my right shoulder accompanied me one evening for about a mile. One night, with all the extra traffic in Enfield and on the way to Waltham Cross, a weird man started cycling beside me. I speeded up, so did he. I slowed down, so did he. In the end I took a chance and dived between cars and lorries moving in opposite directions to each other, dodging in and out and shot off as quick as I could, it really unnerved me. The next day I told Harry, he said to me "if it happens again I will come to meet you in future." Anyway all was well for a while, and one day when I was at the hospital I noticed Ivor's bed was empty. Sandy told me he had been sent home. That was great, all we need to do now is concentrate on Sandy getting well enough and Vi had said he could go and stay at Oakfield, after all, our furniture was all stored there. Vi had taken to taking in folks and travellers for bed and breakfast and was therefore making use of our things, so I didn't have to pay her then for storage, which helped no end. Several days later I was cycling home along the straight mile from Waltham Abbey towards Lower Nazeing, I had past the Wheatsheaf and was approaching a lonely part of the journey. I usually got off my bike by Monkhams Hill to push it up a stiff incline, but in the moonlight I saw a man on my left. His face was deathly white and his long raincoat was open and to my horror he was holding something out and waving it from side to side. I stood up on my pedals and rode for my life. Not once did I get off or look back all the way up the hills to Nazeing. Opposite the King Harold was Dolly and Harry's cottage, I raced up the path only then realising it had been raining and I hadn't stopped to put my cape on, I was soaked through. Harry opened the door and I heard dolly calling "who is it?" I promptly burst into tears. Looking back on it now I can summon a wry smile. Harry and Dolly Mansfield had no children and Dolly was quite particular about cottage. "It's Gwen" Harry called back to her "Come on in your soaked." Dolly ran forward handing him some newspaper and as I stepped inside sobbing, Harry walked backwards while laying newspaper down for me to walk on and finally over the armchair where they told me to sit. Of course they thought something had happened to Sandy. I tried to explain without going into too much detail of what I had seen and Harry promised that for the next few days at least he would cycle over to Waltham Abbey or Markhams to meet me.

For the next few days, when I went to Chase Farm, sandy was sleeping. I just held his hand and sometimes his fireman friend would say he's not spoken all day. After several nights of this, I guess I must have been so physically and mentally exhausted that at the weekend I decided to miss out two nights and maybe after resting Sandy would be feeling better, then we could go on planning our colour schemes and laugh about having ginger twins with lots of freckles one day. It was strange the way I was taking more interest in babies these days. I no longer saw them as nasty smelly things. Over the weekend a friend of Ella' had lent me a copy of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, one of the paragraphs was lovely,

'Lo! Some we loved, the loveliest and the best
That time and fate of all their vintage past
Have drunk their cup a round or two before
And one by one crept silently to rest'

As I didn't go to Billericay for a bath at Oakfield, Ma let me use the hipbath up in my bedroom. You can't get your whole self in a hipbath, or at least I couldn't, so I dangled my feet in the slop bucket. We had used the enamel slop bucket to take the water upstairs to the bath and when I was ready I was about to take it one by one down again. To my surprise Ma Reynolds said don't bother got me to hold one end of the bath and she the other and tipped it straight out of the back window over the graves below. Not quite the thing to do I thought, but very much easier than humping it down those stairs again. Ma, Ella and I went to evensong on Sunday and I was ready to face the world again on Monday.

We had started stringing the young tomato plants in the big glasshouse. Harry came up to me and said there was a telegram and was there a reply; I stopped stringing and read the telegram. It said 'Sandy at Rest, will contact you later' and was signed Mr and Mrs Parker. I looked at Harry and quietly said "No reply" and carried on stringing the tomatoes. Harry could see something was wrong. "What does the telegram say Gwen?" I just handed it to him. "Gwen, stop working, please stop and go home." But I went on stringing. At Beaver time Mr Lawrence came over and Harry spoke to him. "Gwen Mr Lawrence says you must stop work, you must go home to Billericay." Mr Lawrence went to tell Ma and I got on my bike and cycled to Oakfield to show Vi the stupid telegram. I knew that really everything was Ok, because as I cycled along the winter corn was coming up in the fields and looked emerald green. If anything had happened to Sandy everything would be brown, the trees and hedges would die. I couldn't stay at Oakfield I had to come back to Nazeing, my brain just wasn't functioning, and everything was on automatic. The following day I had two letters, one from Sandy's Mum and Dad saying they would be at Stan and Elsie's on such and such a day and meeting the coffin at the Talbot the following morning to go to High Ongar Church and Sally had said Sandy had asked for no flowers. That jerked me back to some sort of reality. No flowers? Sally was mad; Sandy loved flowers, trees, grass anything that grew. The other letter was from friends or relatives of the Parkers' with a ten shilling postal order inside asking me to if I would kindly arrange for a wreath for them. Yes! Sandy must have flowers, lots of flowers. I had been with Sandy practically every day for a year, and in that time he had never spoken of anything other than our future home and life together. In the evening I went back to Chase Farm, I still didn't believe the telegram. With some apples and other fruit I had from Harry and Dolly, I went through the side door of the hospital; Sandy's bed was empty. The fireman looked at me surprised "didn't they tell you?" He asked. "Yes, they did, it's alright, I've brought this fruit for you" and with that I left Chase Farm for the last time.

Gwen, as you can imagine was devastated and it affected her work and how she interacted with other people, to the point that she had to move billets several times, as she tried to come to terms with her loss. Dancing was her outlet, to make her feel alive and even that caused trouble for her. Eventually she ended up billeted in a water tower where she was working.

Mr Lawrence said I could use the tank tower room, which they used for fire-watch, until he could find somewhere else for me. The tower had a room below where had 'beaver' there was a sink and tap and a gas ring, plus some tomato boxes to sit on, a kettle and one small saucepan. You went up some stairs on the outside to a room above where there was a small iron bed, some blankets and another tomato box. Above that was the immense water tank with a metal 'tell tail' on a rope, which told you how full or empty the tank was. I thought this was great, a home of my own.

On the Sunday having had a night with Vi at Billericay, I was walking towards Upshire with my case of clean clothes. It was dark and coming towards me were a number of soldiers. As always they called out goodnight, but this time one of them broke ranks and walked beside me offering to carry my case. I realised he was a GI but he seemed quieter than most, he asked me where I was billeted and I told him, by which time we were there. I told him I was making a drink before going to bed and would he like one for kindly carrying my case. He came into the tank tower, there were no lights as there were no curtains or any form of blackout, we only had the light of the gas ring where I made some cocoa. Eventually I said I was going to bed and got up to open the door for him to leave, he got between me and the door and to my horror threw his arms around me saying "love me for God's sake love me." I realised what a chump I'd been letting him know I was here alone. I tried to push him away and then to my consternation he started to cry. Clinging on to me between his sobs, he told me he had not been in England long; he was a rear gunner and was terrified. He just didn't want to return to his unit. I thought to myself that for all the noise and blustering we got from the yanks, in truth they were possibly covering up a sincere and understandable fear. I told him he could stay in the tank tower until he felt better and there were some old cushions and coats he could lay on if he wanted to sleep. I went on up the steps to my room and lay on the bed still in my uniform. I took the knife that I always carried on my belt out of it's sheath and placed it under my pillow, but only dozed sporadically, as each time a breeze blew the 'tell tail' it clanked against the tower and I thought it was him coming up the stairs. As it started to get light I went down and opened the door, he stood up briskly and I couldn't believe how young he was, a mere schoolboy. I asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, but he hung his head and mumbled that he didn't, unable to look at me he went towards the entrance, I tried to give him directions but he wasn't listening as he went off with tear stains still on his cheeks. I hope somewhere he is still alive and was able to tell his mates in his unit that he spent an amorous night with a Land Girl to boost his morale.

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