����ý

I used to be a bully but I’ve come to learn why that was wrong.

I think it was when my first brother was born… And boys generally had more importance in an Albanian family, so my parents gave more attention to him, and they completely dropped me and my sister out.

And then even worse, my other brother was born. So now they had two boys, and two girls. And obviously the two boys would get everything.

I felt completely left out. Things got to a point where my mum, she would degrade me in such a way that made me question why I was even staying there. Like why can’t I be like her, why was I given these parents, why was I given these rules?

In school, I was… I was… bossy, because I felt like that was the only place I could get in control, so I was generally bossy, I was a show off.

I’ve been bullied, and I have been a bully. And honestly I’ve been more a bully than I have been bullied. Because, for me, it was a regain of power, like I could get power from bullying other people. And going out of my way to make them feel bad.

Because I used to think, if I’m angry, I’m going to make everyone else angry, and then everyone’s gonna understand how I feel. And that sounds… That’s… that’s completely, stupidity! But you don’t realise that when you’re in a certain state of mind.

I’d deliberately get close to someone, I’d find out what they dislike, and what hurts them, and I’d suddenly turn against them, and use everything against them, to hurt them, on purpose. I’d deliberately say things to make sure everybody else felt so horrible…
by using their physical appearance against them,
by picking on things they can’t change.
I’d say, oh… Your eyes are too small, or…
Your teeth are crooked…

I would make everybody else feel so sad. I would feel happy from it. If everyone in the room is sadder than me, then that means I’m the happiest in the room. That’s what I used to think.

But I couldn’t show anyone how I felt. So, I kinda composed myself. I fully built a wall. I wouldn’t let anyone get through. Everything was a game to me. So when I did fight people, I’d be like, it was the expression I had in my head,
I’d be like, I win, you lose
I win, you lose
I win, you lose.
I’d play people like chess.
And I’d never lose.

I was walking through the corridors, and my teacher stopped me, and she said ‘Stop.' In my head I was like, ‘I have one minute to get to class.' And she said, 'The way you’re acting, reflects on other people. If you want to be happy, surround yourself by happiness.'

And something clicked, in my head, and then I tried it. And then when people around me were happy, they'd be like ‘Come on, you know you wanna join in, you know you wanna…’ So when people said, ‘Do you want to join in, let’s go, let’s do this, let’s go do that’…‘…Me? …really?’

And I did go with them, and their mood did reflect onto me, and I was like… Oh…

Behind that world, I’d built my own world. When that wall came down, I was baffled, I was lost, because I didn’t know anything other than controlling.

I had to rebuild relationships with a lot of people, but I did leave scars. I think I’m… er… an all or nothing person.

To me, the only thing I’d really ever done was make people really sad, so the opposite to that is to make them really happy. So I then developed a habit where I’d deliberately go out of my way to make other people feel happy. And it was tiring, and it gave me no control, but it did feel good. So I kept doing it.

In a way I did gain a social circle that was built at my school, which I was never part of, until then.

I can’t control what my parents think. And I can’t control how… or their rules. Because I am a child, so I can’t control them. So… I just had to, get used to it.