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Question

A school wants to raise funds for new sports equipment. As a member of the committee, you have been asked to write a report that investigates how the money could best be raised. You should present your findings before coming to a recommendation based on these.

Attempt 1

I have looked at three ways to make money for the school. We could do a raffle, a car boot or a fun run. I am going to report on them all before saying which is best.

A raffle is the best idea, it is easy to do and cheap to run we could sell lots of tickets to students at break and lunch times and they could take them home to sell to their families. We could get the prizes given by local shops so it wouldn’t cost much to set up and run.

Feedback - Basic

• This writer shows an awareness of the purpose, the format of the task and the audience.
• Paragraphing is accurate and clear.
• The style is too personal and subjective (eg using the pronouns ‘I’ and ‘we’) and uses language which is too colloquial, eg ‘do a raffle’ and ‘saying which is best’.
• The writer does not create a balanced investigation but gives a personal view straight away, eg ‘A raffle is the best idea’.
• The sentences are mostly properly punctuated but there is the use of a ‘run on’ sentence beginning, ‘A raffle is the best idea, it is easy to do and cheap to run we could sell’ instead of, ‘A raffle is the best idea. It is easy to do and cheap to run. We could sell…’.

Attempt 2

There are several options to raise money for the sports equipment the school needs and this report investigates three options including a raffle, a car boot sale and a fun run. Each option has some advantages and some disadvantages and these will be made clear before a conclusion is made and a recommendation given as to which option to choose.

A raffle is always likely to be an effective option. In its favour, assuming local businesses could be persuaded to donate prizes, it will be cheap to set up and easy to run. Tickets could be printed using the school’s IT facilities using desktop publishing. This could be incorporated into lessons to combine a learning purpose into the activity. The tickets could be sold by students at break and lunch times as well as taken home to be sold to families and friends.

Feedback - Improving

• This writer shows a clear awareness of the purpose, the format of the task and the audience.
• The style is impersonal and effective.
• The language is aimed at the right level for the task and uses mainly Standard English.
• Paragraphing is accurate and clear.
• The writer creates a sense that the report will be fair and balanced and sets out the options in a clear and unemotional way.
• Sentences are informative, varied and well punctuated.
• There is a sense of analysis and range of vocabulary well suited to the audience and purpose.

Attempt 3

There are three main options that would offer the school the opportunity to raise the money it so badly needs for its new sports equipment. The three are:

• a raffle
• a car boot sale
• a fun run

These have each been considered and investigated in detail. The findings will show that each has some clear advantages but that to balance this, each also has certain disadvantages. The report will make these clear before reaching a recommendation as to which option is most likely to succeed. The options below are not reported in any order of preference.

Option 1: A Raffle

The option of a raffle offers many significant opportunities but does come with risks that will need to be weighed up before deciding whether this option is viable and useful. In its favour, assuming local businesses could be persuaded to donate prizes, a raffle is the cheapest and easiest of the three options under consideration. If it works, it would raise a significant amount of money and do so with the least amount of effort. The tickets could be designed and printed in-house thus keeping control over costs and time frames. The design work could be carried out as a part of school IT lessons and thus combine a learning purpose into the activity. The tickets could be easily sold by students both during break and lunch times as well as from home to relatives and friends. On the surface, this seems the obvious choice; however, it is not without potential pitfalls…

Feedback - Even better

• This writer shows a sophisticated awareness of purpose, format and audience.
• The style is impersonal and very convincing.
• The language choices are often ambitious with use of language devices appropriate to the form, for example, a use of alliteration - ‘potential pitfalls’.
• A formal tone and a use of Standard English is used throughout with excellent punctuation, spelling and grammar.
• It shows good structure, for example, the use of bullet points.
• There is a clear sense of argument and of a developing argument, eg ‘The option of a raffle offers many significant opportunities but does come with risks that will need to be weighed up…’.