Isolation
At 75 years of age and living on my own I know what loneliness or isolation can be like. However I only have to pick up a phone and my children and grand children are on the other end.
In spite of this I still feel moments of complete and utter loneliness when you would rather your family were there in person.
This often has me thinking of people in circumstances where they are in the same situation but have absolutely no family or friends to communicate with. I try to get out of the house on a regular basis and like to head in to the centre of Liverpool.
It is on these trips that I notice people who meet the criteria of loneliness. In St Johns Shopping Centre I see a chap every time I visit.
He sits on the benches provided for the public and is always on his own. I see him in the coffee shop and again he is always on his own. I have spoken to him and he is very pleasant and you can tell he appreciates the chance of having a conversation.
For him the trip into town must be his only way of making contact with other people, and there are lots of people like him in the shopping precinct.
I visit the shopping centre in Bootle and see a chap who is obviously in similar circumstances; I have seen him for years.
I like a quiet pint in the city centre and will often meet an old mate and have a chat. But in most pubs you will see some old timer, sitting nursing a half pint for an hour.
Loneliness must be a form of mental torture for some people and there is no way of knowing where these people are, or indeed how many there are.
The reasons for loneliness I imagine are varied. Shyness, trouble communicating, in some cases possibly brought up in a one child family, slight mental problems. Even the way you look.
I would never put myself forward as an expert on this issue, and thank god there are people and organisations who do tackle this problem.
I would suggest anybody walking or sitting in the town centre, just look around and you will see these people. They seem to have an aura of loneliness about them and remember it costs nothing to pass the time of day.
hello John i am navigating my way around the web and chanced to find this site as i was hoping to go up to see Simon Rattle at the Albert Hall. I have read what you have to say about lonliness and as a recent divorcee of 50 years old have come to understand lonliness. You are so right everyday if i visit my town of Ramsgate i will come accross several people in a day who appear to be sadly on their own and sometimes one can chat for a few minutes and sometimes people wish to remain quietly on their own. Although my life is slowly re-building after such a major change i simply know that there is a god helping me through the tough times. which is of great comfort. I shall continue to read your blogs with interest.
Hey John, I'm enjoying reading your blogs:
How are you getting on using the laptop?
Keep it up buddy, I'm proud of you:
John,
I love life. I have many interests. I have lots to talk about. But I too am alone.
It is not by choice. Things have happened along the way. I do most things on my own-walking, cycling,concerts....
There are times when I prefer my own company. At least I don't have to consider another person. But nonetheless, life is pretty lonely.
One thing I have learnt, though, from this loneliness is to be loving and kind to those around me. Who knows what any-one's life is really like? We all try and smile and look happy and content. No-one would ever guess that I go through life usually on my own.
The elderly are particularly at risk of feeling such loneliness. And I am aware of that at all times. When one is surrounded by friends and colleagues, one rarely has time to consider those who would love a chat or kindly word. Yet our towns are full of lonely folk. I notice the same folk in my town who sit in the library or go in and out of front doors unaccompanied.
Never be afraid of smiling or just passing the time of day with someone. A few loving words can make all the difference in some-one's daily life. Never be afraid also of touching someone-maybe on the hand or arm. Touch is also a means of communication.
I pray for those who are alone-those who are having to cope with ill health, or bereavement, or fears etc on their own.
I lost my father 6 years ago. I had previously lost my mother and brother. My father was a wonderful wise man. I adored him. But I didn't see enough of him because I didn't make the time. Now I am tasting loneliness, and I now know how my poor father felt. How it grieves me to think that he felt as I do now.I cry often about it. I have learnt a very big lesson, and all too late. But it has made me feel compassion for all that are alone.
Best wishes to you John, and to Jacqueline, and to anyone else who is alone and reading this.
Carole
They should get some hobbies, and make hobby related friends and such things.
Tis the largest failing of modern society ever that epicurus is ignored in skoools INIT
Jason,
There are many who, for so many reasons, cannot take on hobbies etc. There are also those who, though they DO have hobbies, they find it hard to relate to others.
One cannot blame loneliness on not being sociable enough. One can be within a large gathering and yet feel not part of it. And even when someone is evidently on their own, a single person is so easy to overlook.
Then there are the circumstances whereby one is lonely because the company is just not right.
Loneliness is not always self-imposed.
But loneliness is preferable, I am sure, to wrong company.
Hi Carole - lovely of you to share your own personal thoughts on loneliness. I have often sat in a room with friends of differing ages and seen the older folk miss out on the circle of conversation - maybe because they are slightly deaf or are unable to be relaxed and socialise as easy as some do.
I have met people who have been alone for a long time and right now actually find it impossible to reach out and communicate and break their loneliness even though others try to reach out to them.
The buddhists have a saying " help those you can along the way, but you cannot stay for ever - you have your own path to follow"
There are others who are lonely through grief - sometimes they don't want to share it at all and for a while should be respected - and then there are others who grieve and need to be comforted and shared with.
There are also those who are chronically angry with life in general and strike the held out hand of friendship.
We see many lonely people around us each day and you're right we should stop and think and help when we can - sometimes it works other times not but at least we have done our bit.
You sound like a person who won't be too lonely for long with your positive outlook and caring ways.
best wishes
fitz
Dear Fitz,
Thank you for your kind message.
Speaking for myself, when I have gone through really sad times, I have shut myself away. I wasn't able to face the reality of things. AND YET-I would have loved someone to sit with me and talk a little while.
This has made me realise that there must be others who are doing just what I have done many times-cutting oneself off from public(hiding) and yet needing love and comfort.
So, now whenever I ask someone about themselves and they answer with a "oh, I'm fine " or "well it is all part of life and we must just get on with it", I try very gently to persuade that person to say a little more. People often do not wish to burden others with their problems. I am good at that ! Yet, if only one could take the mask off and not be afraid to show how fragile one is, love could be released from the giver of it.Does that make sense ?
As you have stated Fritz, we must also be aware of respect. My parents would never have turned to anyone outside the family for any kind of help. I was brought up to not share my woes or griefs with outsiders. It was only when I lost my wonderful father that I HAD to lean on someone
for comfort. But up until that time, no-one could prise private details from me.I am aware that other folk will feel the same way.
I also believe that our society is against the state of loneliness! One should have no time for loneliness because of day-centres, or college courses, or walking groups.....There seems to be something for everyone. Doesn't there ?? Sadly, no. There is little time for the small things that matter most-the hugs and cups of tea and kind words. Ella Wheeler Wilcox wrote a beautiful sonnet entitled GOD'S MEASURE. The first lines are
" God measures souls by their capacity
For entertaining His best Angel,Love.
Who lovest most is nearest kin to God,
Who is all Love, or Nothing...."
Very best wishes.
Carole
Since leaving my last message, I have taken out my Ella Wheeler Wilcox anthology. If anyone is able to do so then please read her poems:REALISATION, LOVE THYSELF LAST, and MORNING PRAYER.
EWW has written some thought provoking verse on the subject of loneliness(grief, anger, joy etc). These three poems touch on despair and loneliness.
Carole
Dear Carole/John,
Reading your poignant descriptions on this topic has struct a chord with me. I have returned to this posting a few times over the last couple of days and wondered whether to respond with my own perspective. Finally, I have decided that it might be worthwhile to share some of my own insight, without trying to be too selfish hopefully.
This blogging community idea is new to me really but I can clearly see the value in it all; what an admirable project.
Carole, I can relate to the things you speak of particularly. Like you, I was brought up not to share my problems with "outsiders", but more than this, I think, I was numb to the idea of expressing any emotional problems internally within my own family. Call it typical of a working class Scottish upbringing, hardening that inbred calvanistic self-loathing attitude we all learn to adopt. Call it folly, ignorance, mistakes of previous generations of parents handed down through the years. Blame it on the weather. I don't know.
Like the Man on the Cross, I am a single sibling (cue psych ward alarm bells). It was also the passing of one of my parents (my Mother) 3 years ago, followed by her close brother (my "Unc"), the year after, in conjunction with some personal health issues, that made me face my own mortality. A mid-life crisis of sorts ensued...
I have always felt as though I have had nobody in my life to confide in, until now. No best friend. No partner. No Grandparent, Aunt, or other close relative. The first step for me was approaching my GP and a short course of cognitive behavioural therapy helped me address some of the short term symptoms of anxiety I was feeling at the time. During the course of those sessions, however, it became more than apparent that something deeper was lurking that needed some attention and further exploration.
After almost 12 months of counselling now, I have begun to recognise and understand so much more about my life, why I am the way I am, and the emotional difficulties I have had to cope with for so long now. It is that psychological coping mechanism that has pushed me into complete immersion in isolation and loneliness, readily backed up by feelings of guilt, humiliation, low self-esteem and low self-worth, self-hatred, anger, bitterness, [insert as appropriate]...
But as the Dalai Lama has said, "a life unexamined is a life unfulfilled".
In spite of my own feelings of worthlessness, or because of it, I have also recognised that I have sacrificed so much of my own feelings for the sake of others - my Mother and Father predominantly. I think I have known this intuitively all along but it has taken time to explore and discover the associated reasons surrounding the way I feel in the process.
My own Mother was my age when I was born - 37. There were no maternal instincts for her, however, and I was essentially emotionally neglected and rejected in my very early years. Grief stricken as a baby I had problems sleeping and appeared "hyperactive", probably because I was craving the attention and love of my Mother. I was bottle fed, overly in some cases I think. My Father, being the truly respectful and dignified man that he is, stepped in to help, as my Mother found it more and more difficult to cope with me physically. I recognise that she was probably suffering from post natal depression, and the fact that she'd had an unplanned caesarean section would not have helped matters. My Father ended up partially sleeping with me (before shifting beds to be with my Mother after I was settled down and in a deep sleep) for 6 or 7 years.
As a result of my experiences as a young child I in turn rejected my Mother. I only remember being shouted at and "checked" all the time - being told what not to do, and being constantly criticised on a daily basis. Overprotectiveness to some extent probably.
My Father was my best friend during those early years, cuddling me, playing with me, rubbing his days-old stubble against my fair complexion, taking me and my pals to the swimming baths. Every one of my friends at that time wished they had had him for a Dad, cause he was also my "pal", and used this affectionate expression for me up until I reached puberty.
I struggled badly with adolescence, but had nobody to talk to about my fears, concerns, feelings of inadequacy, and supposed lack of development. It was at this time that I began to isolate myself from others and I took solace in my own private fantasy world where I had full control and could create an environment of safety without fear of failure or public humiliation. That's all I'll say on this, but suffice to say it has been a lasting battle I have dealt with for most of my life up until now.
I grew apart from my Father during these years as he could no longer reach out to me and communicate in a simplistic, innocent, childish way I suppose. My Mother did support me ("you can only do your best") but there was no real affection between us, and I had to continually make every decision for myself without any encouragement or advice gleaned from my parents' own experiences, particularly where education was concerned. I was constantly reminded that I had much more opportunity than both of them ever had and that I should make the most of it, as well as being told often that I had no worries in life because I only had myself to think about.
In actual fact I've realised now that the very opposite was true. This was borne out in the years to follow and started when I was 19 and in my 2nd year at college studying engineering (to emulate my Dad somehow - a plumber and pipe fitter). I ended up there by default really, a school-extension after passing the necessary exams, fearing the idea of being a Thatcherite no-hoper and being isolated and ostracised by being unemployed - I had seen so many go this route, and my previous attempts to gain employment as an apprentice were all unsuccessful.
Then my Father, aged 57 at the time, had a massive stroke. I was there when it happened and struggled to hold up a cursing man that couldn't understand why his left side had gone numb and why he was unable to stand or speak clearly. My Mother exited the other side of the car we had just parked, while I screamed at her in panic. She wrestled for the house keys and dialled the magic number.
This event completely changed the whole family dynamic, and it made me mature way beyond my years in many ways, but all ahead of time. As a consequence of the whole role-reversal situation (I become the Father, Husband, and Carer, my Father the Child, my Mother the stoical caregiver...?), I think I missed out on any sort of normal development through my early 20s. Education was my other way of coping as I threw myself into a driven state of mind - from fear of failure yet again probably. But my Mother and Father's own relationship was strained anyway, and the truth is my Mother no longer loved him at that time, though she continued to bear the brunt of caring for him for many years. I know this now, but at the time it was all very confusing as to why she could not shed a tear for him, while my eyes were never dry for months.
The shifting dynamics of that time also threw me into headlong feelings of guilt and shame about my own inadequacy and difficulty in establishing close relationships with people generally. All I learned was how to sacrifice my own feelings for the sake of others around me. I've spent years in and out of care homes as my Dad has been in and out of respite, together with frequent visits to just about every ward in the local hospital, while he has had treatment for a series of other medical ailments that have seen him endure some of the baddest of luck I've seen in a human life. By extension the tendency is to see this luck inherited to some extent, but in an emotional context rather than physical; whether this is true "only time will tell". I know I have been indelibly marked by the experience. I have taken on the empathy for all the older and elderly people that have seemingly surrounded me for most of my private life, and felt their pain at firsthand in many situations. I have seen the way many are treated in care homes, hospitals, etc., and my heart sinks every time I get a call from my Aunt now telling me my Dad's back in hospital.
I played the go-between between my Mum and Dad for most of my adult life, that is up until almost 4 years ago now when the whole thing collapsed while I was on a round the world travel extravaganza, and returned to find my Mum sleeping on her sister's couch while my Dad struggled to engage Social services and live alone with no remorse towards her whatsoever. But that's another story I suppose. The ensuing problem was one I could not fix, however, but try I did, and again probably to the detriment of my own psyche. Throughout the years I tried and tried continually to encourage my Mother to value her own life, and make a contribution to living, not just existing. I bought a house for her, but not a home - not the one she'd been in for over 40 years until that time. But the truth is she could never feel the way about her own life in the way I wanted her to feel. One of the many problems I couldn't fix. And this is frustrating for a professional problem-solver!
In her own way she was also very lonely and isolated, but not just because she was elderly; it's about the whole mental attitude to life too I believe. And this is where her health, physical and mental I think, began to decline rapidly, until 6 months later she passed away rather suddenly, but "peacefully" in a non-violent way, which also has to be considered in this day and age I believe.
And now, after some introspection and self-examination within the context of a counselling relationship, I have discovered that it's time for ME. I have realised too that I have developed all the positive feelings of compassion, empathy, respect, and admiration for other fellow human beings (but particularly the older generation) that the Buddhist path teaches, but in a negative way, with detriment to my own soul. These feelings manifest themselves in many ways, but the isolation, loneliness, and lack of a one-to-one loving relationship at any time in my life is something I am now coming to terms with through the counselling process. I have also learned that intimacy is a wider topic than just the physical, though as you rightly point out Carole, TOUCH plays an important role in reaching out emotionally to people generally - though this has been a foreign feeling to me throughout most of my adult life. The intimacy of the human mind, through emotional contact and connectedness is where I'm at right now, and it's stronger than I could possibly have believed. Again, perhaps we can learn from the Dalai Lama's insight on this too. Cultivating compassion and empathy for others is part of the overall process, surely, but cultivating those same feelings for oneself in light of my own life experiences is where the difficulty lies. But, I suppose, I AM also learning to understand that there is perhaps a chance for everyone of us to change along the way, though chance and happenstance will always play a part in all of our uncontrollable lives.
On paper, you'd be forgiven for concluding that my life is fulfilling and successful in many ways. I'm the typical high achiever, but more through hard graft than inherent ability and natural talent, and constantly being driven by fear of failure. I get all of this from The Guid Plumber, and I am the Good Son I suppose. Degree educated and successful in an eventual and eventful London-based career, money in the bank, property on the map, albeit in Scotland while I continue to rough it in shoddy digs - for fear of being on my own and truly isolated perhaps.
So many choices are available to me now, and yet I remain lost to some extent, a compass without a needle, desperately seeking some sort of direction, focus, opportunity. Love, clearly, is what it's all about. Sometimes it just takes longer for some of us to realise this. Perhaps that time is now for me.
There has been a brewing sense of urgency from my recent experiences, brought on by that mid-life crisis dilemma of thinking about and facing up to the realism of my own mortality. My Father is now 74 and I have crossed the emotional dividing line between us for the first time since I was a child. I think this has been beneficial and positive for both of us, however, I do fear the deeper wrench and overwhelming grief and resulting catharsis that will inevitably have to be handled and played out at some point in the future. But I do know that this cannot hold me back from trying to live my own life, and move forward in an attempt to find someone out there who will be able to give, receive, and share the kind of love and depth of feeling that I am searching for now, and have been all my life. It's a tall order I know but the strength I gain has to start with a belief in myself and others around me - the few close friends I have, neatly arranged in concentric circle orbits around my own nucleus, some of them not knowing one another, are something I have come to value much more recently and have realised that there must come a time when those bonds of friendship are tightened through experiences shared. I have started this journey too, difficult though it is.
I have thought next of committing to a voluntary project of some sort over the Winter - meet some new people, a complete change of scene, and by extension another way of me giving, as my Mother is no longer here for me to worry about. The other thing on my mind is an exploration of rural America by bicycle, a trip I had planned to undertake this year, but postponed once I had realised the importance of the counselling journey I had already embarked upon and felt committed to seeing through - perhaps understanding for the first time in my life, that I have my own path to follow, as Fitz has said somewhere above in a much shorter thread... ;-)
I leave you with some words I wrote recently to try and express my own feelings of loss. They are written from a standpoint of my own raw feeling and are not intended to be secular in any way. They could be for someone you love, or for yourself. That sense of loss can cut both ways. Perhaps it's true that you have to start by loving yourself before you can love another, or perhaps I'm the exception that proves the rule. Dunno.
If it comes at once without warning
Out of nowhere that bolt from the blue
When you wake up with tears in the morning
No amount of prayer can ever prepare you
Once again, Carole, thank you for sharing your own personal insight. I think you can clearly take pride in your own achievements of raising a child who has found her own happiness in the world and shares the bond of natural emotional connectedness that every parent/sibling should have. If we acheived anything near that goal perhaps the world would be a kinder place.
Well, I hope I haven't wallowed in self-pity for too long. I didn't mean for this to be an abridged version of my life story, but I do know I have a tendency to ramble when my words start flowing, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't experience some sort of catharsis while writing here...
Best rgds
gxb
Well Carole thanks for the intro to Ella wheeler Wilcox - a truly prolific writer and one who I think has captured the essence of 'love thy neighbour as thyself'
An oft quoted phrase that is oft misunderstood. Because it implies that you need to really love yourself as God loves you - unconditionally before you can truly love others. We can profess to love all kinds of man and womankind without loving ourselves enough and in that lies the rub!
we really cannot give out true love without truly lovoing ourselves.
Yes I guess the real lesson which is so so hard to learn is each day strive to help others first before you help yourself - so often neglected in all religions!
but it is this very essence of sacrifice displayed in the life of Mother Teresa that lifts us higher.
trying to please ourselves and only those nearest and dearest is oh so limiting and self -distinguishing!
Dear Fitz,
I have a beautiful anthology of EW Wilcox's poems.Well, 3 actually but one is particularly lovely.
"Love thy neighbour" means SHOW love to your neighbour .We can't FEEL love for our neighbour but we can SHOW love.
Golly, I'm tired. I can write no more at this time as I must just say a few words to Gordon.
Good night Fitz. Sweet dreams.
Oh dear, Gordon. I have just written a reply to you, and made a mistake in my email address. I was about to rectify the mistake but the whole message has now disappeared !!
I really cannot write it all again as I am so tired !! I promise to answer your message as soon as I am able to.
Meanwhile, take care and thank you so very much for trusting us. Your message was so interesting. I am sorry that I am not answering it right now !
Good night and God bless you.
Best wishes, and a big Christian hug(I love those).
Carole
Dear Gordon,
How are you? I have just re-read your posting.
Now--firstly your "working class Scottish upbringing". I dare say that it was no different to most English upbringings! And maybe a lot better. I had an Ulster/Northumbrian upbringing! And I am jolly proud of it!
You must not feel shame when it comes to not being able to form close relationships with other people."Sacrificing" your feelings for the sake of others has given you an insight into your fellow beings sufferings. That is most noble.
I, too, love elderly people(I will be one one day!). They remind me of my own parents. The thought that my parents might have ended up lonely or neglected has made me reach out to the elderly that I see daily .They need us. We must make time for them.They are as important now as they were when once young.
But now it is time for you to consider your own needs and longings .You are a caring person, Gordon. And is seems you are a hard worker. But you must do some things that will enable you to feel happiness and contentment. What about where you live ? Can you take your work to Scotland ? Where would you love to live(if money is not a problem) ?
The bike trip to America is a great idea. You should really go for it. Strike out and surprise yourself. And who knows what might happen along the way !
Treasure the few close friends that you do have. It is not the quantity of friends that is important, it is the friends who want to be with you for what you are. We can all accumulate friends along the way, but the real friend is the one who is there during the rough times;the one who listens to the moans and grievances;the one who will leave you in peace but be there should things get rough again.
Forget the idea that there is/has been too much self-pity ! We all need to share our woes and fears.It actually makes us more human if we can admit defeat or shame or whatever it is that is stopping us from being happy in life.And until we can share our fears, how can anyone ever reach out and touch us with their love and strength ?
Gordon, you are to go forth, with the likes of us here by your side. I have said this before-I (and Fitz and John and Margo etc.)are stretching out our fingers and the tips are touching your finger-tips. We are all scattered around the country, but we can still touch finger-tips.
I have enjoyed reading twice your account of your life.
We do all get lonely once the computer is switched off and reality settles in. But some of us remain aware of those who have opened their hearts. You have done just that. I shan't forget you, and will mention you in prayer.
Blessings to you Gordon.
Keep us posted please.
Carole
Help and resources with issues related to emotional wellbeing can be found on the 大象传媒's health website
Self-esteem is a topic on the 大象传媒's health message board
Thank you Carole for your very kind response. One day at a time, as they say...
Rgds,
Gordon
""
Help and resources with issues related to emotional wellbeing can be found on the 大象传媒's health website
Self-esteem is a topic on the 大象传媒's health message board""
I think you are being told to butt out of here!
How unfortunate on a site that prides itself on free thinking - that they think you are not appropriate!!
please have your problem dealt with elsewhere!
A great advert for the 'isolation;' theory - go isolate yourself somewhere else!
typical of the south methinks!!
No, for once, dear Fitz. If you lived here you'd know that it's become the convention to offer a contact number/address for "anyone who might have been affected by issues in this programme".
Lonliness can hold many different meanings, even for me,who has a large family. At times feel such isolation and the size of my family seems to compound these feelings as I watch them with their children and partners doing what I did at their age--bringing up their children with all that this entails.
But then, I find myself thinkink perhaps I have felt this sense of isolation all my life and its only now at the age of 67 that I am coming face to face with this. It is a kind of 'who am I' situation which until now have not had the time to consider.
I am certain I am not alone with these feelings. I have a very active and invloved life, good friends - and yet, and yet--- there is something missing.Nor am I someone who sits and bemoans my life either. In this mad rush through life, who am I and what am I. Is this a philisophical consideration, or psychological? one for the therapists couch?
Loneliness is listening to your wife ask you if you want any bananas in your cereal - after 25 years of telling her no.