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Swan Lake? Nah, this is Booty and the Beast.

Diana was still adjusting to life in the National Ballet after her closed season transfer from the Leeds and Bradford Cloggers.

Ugly ducklings of the world untie!

Unfortunately, Ludmilla's suitcase had been diverted to Delhi

These boots were made for pirouetting

Lavinia was rather more concerned about her boyfriend going rambling in her best ballet shoes

Athelete's foot, the hidden problem.

No worries, Lindsey Lohan emailed me how to get this ankle bracelets off

Sarah just had to hide her hammer toes

I know, they were a Christmas present.

Just her luck! Somewhere there was a clown trying to squeeze his feet into her ballet points.

Unfortunately, there had only been room for fourteen in the changing rooms

Tutu much

No worries, Lindsey Lohan emailed me how to get these ankle bracelets off
(correction)

At heart, Sylvia had really wanted to work in a circus

You've got to hand to 'Arry, he's one 'ell of a shoe saleman.

"I'm taking no chances - forecast said thunder and lightning..."

Fiona had only just had time to get back from the new stadium building site

There once was an UGGLY duckling....

They were the only size fourteen the wardrobe department had in stock

"Huh, she swans in late again and she isn't even properly dressed"

"For pity's sake, Sonia" Mavis hissed despairingly: "Now is NOT the time for you to start asserting your individuality!"

Cygnet ring

Ever feel like a house is going to land on you?

They were all praised for their "good toes", all except Miranda, who's "Naughty toes" were made an example of!!

You can slip your boots in here if you want.

At the graduation, it was easy to see who had been awarded a tutu.

Well, they don't do orthopaedic ballet shoes, do they?

As the England World Cup squad pose for a final photo before the big event starts, Capello is just about to lose the plot

Does my booty look big in this?

Despite packing and re-packing 17 times last night, Miranda still had a nagging feeling she had forgotten something when she left for the big day..

Swan Ugging

That's the last time I get dressed in the dark.

The English National Ballet begins to regret acceptng sponsorship from Alfred McAlpine

The new reality TV show to find the fairy to sit on top of the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree gets underway.

Due to all the recent injuries the England World cup squad try out boots with more protection.

Lila's friend Sapphy (left)demonstrates where to stash her cosy bootees when the artistic director is on the warpath.

Swan step, TuTu step ....

They were a special present from Andrew Lloyd Webber

Swans and jammers

These boots were made for waltzing

Cynthia had a habit of always arriving late, even for her Swan Song

Ugg, Ugg and away

Lavinia was taking no chances after having got her feet wet in the last production of Swan Lake

Got 'em at a car boot sale

Laeticia was beginning to suspect the identity parade may have been rigged

Only one swan took up the offer of the oil-slick resistant costume.

Would you like something to stuff your costume out a bit Davinia?

At least I'm not sleeping with the fishes.

Are you certain Max Wall is a recognised choreographer?

They might look cute, but one of 'em could break your arm.

Well if I'm not performing in the Nutcracker Suite I can take these off then....

As they prepared themselves, entrants in the Dame Margot Fonteyn lookalike competition weren’t going to make it easy for the judges..

She thought they were auditioning for the part of Big Bird in Sesame Street

Michael flatley denies poaching swans

"But how will I know which swan you are?" Sophia's mother had asked

It's the only way I could get someone to give up their seat on the tube.

Emily's missed the pointe.

Steps - the 2010 line up

Now they know how many soles it takes to fill the albert hall

Sadler's Wellies

Fabulous show ends with Swan cutting the Ugg

Mum said if there's a lake I'll be needing my verruca socks.

The England football team in their full regalia.

Consolidate your Odettes into one easy pavement ...

A moment later they spotted The Serpentine, and were off

Ahead of their partners' first game, the England Wags try out the new
4-4-3 formation celebratory dance

The Uggly Duckling would eventually turn into a Swan

Ballet Rambo

Come along, girls, put your best foot forward

Being very outspoken Svetlana decided this would stop her putting her foot in it

Don't be so embarrassed - even Margot Fonteyn had size fourteens

She's a shoe in for the lead.

If you've forgotten your padded bra use these!

....and then the thought struck her "Where do I put them now?"

The English National Ballet never were any good at forming a decent queue

Jeté, Plié …Comfé

Ballet is soooo boot camp

Well Candace thought she would never get the headlines but was sure to get a footnote.

The marketing campaign for the new range of bridal ware got off on the wrong foot

Oh these, I borrowed them from Billy Elliott

Ludmilla had been stopped at Customs for trying to import a galoshnikov

Housewives across the country prepare for England's World Cup swansong

Boots and paddles

...and that's the difference between a Prima Ballerina and a Primark one...

Someday my clown prince will come.

She HAD to go. The camera never lies. She WAS a fella.

Amber was not amused at having to remove her footwear and explained they were perfect for the part as everyone thought they were fowl.

Booty is in the eye of the beholder

Englishwomen heading for South Africa are delayed due to the late delivery of the Red Cross parcels

"Has any-one seen my Ballet Shoes?" said Miranda while taking off her moon boots...
"They don't seem to be in here!" replied Cecillia, after carefully checking!

The final cast of Big Brother is presented but Jemima heard the theme this time was a Circus

After the dance Tina was hot footing it out of there.

When Clarissa said she'd get something in boots for her problem, it wasn't what she expected

As Lavinia carefully adjusted her top for maximum effect, she realised nobody was looking at her anyway

Of course my boots are red, it's a Russian ballet after all.

"It's 26 miles - who'll be laughing at the finishing line?"

Aaarrrghh, screamed Wayne, as the memories of Blobby came flooding back.

What time do you call this? You swan in here an hour late!

Helene couldn't believe that everyone of her freinds had forgot to bring their boots.