´óÏó´«Ã½

1. Bald people grow the wrong type of hair, that is so fine we can't see it.
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2. Cockpits have coffee cup holders.


3. Unauthorised use of a red cross breaks the Geneva Convention.
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4. Women's tears reduce sexual desire in men.

5. Door number 243 is the unluckiest address in the UK.
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6. Three people claim to have started the story about Bob Holness playing the sax on Baker Street.
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7. Ants retire from chewing leaves.

8. It used to be someone's job to knock on people's windows with a pole to wake them up.
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9. And ancient Greeks used water devices for the same purpose.
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10. Male and female butterflies take it in turns to make sexual advances.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Chris Spain for this week's picture of 10 ducks on a frozen pond.

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Oh come on, Paper Monitor. You left out the fabulous simile that Ann Widdecombe "danced in a way that left Anton du Beke looking like a man trying to shift a fridge-freezer up a flight of stairs". Journalistic genius!
Catherine, Ealing

Will the Red Cross be telling film and play producers to change history? Will 11-13thC (ish)Crusaders have to change their red crosses to green or any other colour for that matter? I'll get my matrons cape...
Jo, Aylesbury

I can't quite decide if this was an over-reaction by the Red Cross but as I suspect it really annoyed the pantomime's star, Jim Davidson, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.
Michael, Edinburgh, UK

You're right, MCK (Thursday letters), you do get a QI-klaxon... according to Wikipedia:

In 1956, he [Bob Holness] starred in a South African radio adaptation of Moonraker, making him the second actor to portray James Bond (Barry Nelson played Bond in a 1954 adaptation of Casino Royale). He subsequently presented a regular show on Radio Luxembourg.
Mark, Bridge

Did you have to publish these during working hours? I now have to try and convince my colleagues that I have something in my eye... yes, both of them!
Lucy P, Ashford, Kent

I wish people would start pronouncing "idyll" as "eye-dill", with the accent on the second syllable. The way it is prounced now sounds awful - nothing like what it actually means, which is akin to "ideal".
Elsie Ellis, Goring, West Sussex, England.

How on earth do they interrogate it? Ve have vays of makink you squawk?
Fred, Rotherham

I can assure you that Power Balance bands work wonders for balance.
I popped one under the leg of my dodgy kitchen table and now it's solid as a rock.
Result.
Peter McKean

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week it was members of the Edo Firemanship Preservation Association waiting to perform as part of the Tokyo Fire Department's New Year Fire Review.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Gray Gable
Quite a few lads in the hall were going to be disappointed with the "World famous Japanese Pole Dancing exhibition".

5. Candace9839
Because Mr Miyagi said to sweep the leg

4. wonkypops
Japanese parade denies cruelty to Yorkshire Terriers

3. G0ng00zle
Lining up for Quidditch in the Japanese version of 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firemen'

2. BeckySnow
Mops gather protectively when they see boy touching moplet

1. sarahtrieste
Magic Roundabout's Dougal becomes new mascot

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's a cold, wet, grey, dull morning in January. Everyone has colds and Paper Monitor is mired in a post-Christmas stupor of lethargy and corpulence.

But yet! It's Friday, which to most of the population might mean the imminent prospect of long lie ins and binge drinking, but to Paper Monitor signals the glorious cocktail of glitter and vinegar contained within the Times's Celebrity Watch and the Guardian's Lost In Showbiz.

Affection for these columns has been documented before, but there is surely no date in the calendar better suited to waspish asides about our red-carpet overlords. Even in the grimmest of times, who could fail to be cheered by the following treatment by of post-natal depression:

As a vegan, Paltrow would not have had recourse to cheese. As millions of exhausted mothers before her have discovered, the only real cure for postnatal depression is yellow, dairy and smells of cheese, ie: cheese. Crackers and cheese; cheese on toast; putting a whole Stilton on your head - aka "the Cheese Helmet" - and eating your way out of it. HURRAH FOR CHEESE! Or, as CW likes to think of it: "The Prozac that's better on a baked potato."

PM cannot help but conclude that, had the producers of EastEnders not drafted in Ms Moran as a scriptwriter for their they may have avoided an awful lot of mither.

Likewise, she fails to disappoint with the news that actress Natalie Portman is expecting. "Come the summer, she and her fiance Benjamin Millepied will hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet," trills Moran. "Or, if it takes after the father, one thousand tiny feet."

Customarily, Paper Monitor likes to square off Moran against Lost In Showbiz's Marina Hyde, but the latter appears to be taking a break. Nonetheless, the Guardian has had the sense to employ as her ringer its chief pop and rock critic Alexis Petridis, whose reviews Paper Monitor has long admired for marrying an exhaustive and encyclopaedic knowledge of modern music with the weary tone of a man utterly baffled as to why anyone, least alone Petridis himself, would bother to devote so much time and mental energy to such nonsense.

It's a voice that lends itself well to the celebrity world, not least when he observes that, when commissioning a writer to interview Nicole Kidman, Vanity Fair "procured the services of the woman all editors' thoughts invariably turn to when they need a fearless, two-fisted profile piece that cuts through the Tinseltown schmaltz: Jennifer Aniston".
Petridis embarking on a Pulitzer-committee-like appraisal of Aniston's writing style:

"You are like the secretariat of actresses - when I see your body of work and everything you have achieved," she begins fearlessly, thus alerting reader and subject alike that they're not in for some unbearably saccharine puff piece.

Does anyone have a number for Aniston's agent? Paper Monitor is minded to see if shifts at the Magazine can be arranged for this emerging new journalistic talent.

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If I had a fiance who got up at 0830 on a Sunday to help me make wedding invitations, I'd call the wedding off as he'd clearly have a guilty conscience. Either that, or I'd tell him to do it quietly and bring me a coffee at 1100.
Sue, London

I work for myself and get up eight hours after I go to bed, no alarm. Does that make me a slave to my inner clock?
Kat A Laroche, via

I wondered where my watch had gone!
Di, The Castleton, North Yorks

Jane, (Wednesday letters), in answer to the two hypothetical questions you ask: Yes, children need organs too; no, don't be so silly. See, it's not really that complex. I urge everyone to sign up as organ donors because of the difference you could make to someone's life. And you won't be inconvenienced at all, you'll be dead.
Rob, London

"The Archbishop of Canterbury is to marry Prince William and Kate Middleton at their forthcoming wedding, St James's Palace has disclosed." Greedy greedy. Surely marrying just one of them would be enough.
Malcolm, Wrexham, Wales, United Kingdom

Did Bob Holness play sax on Baker Street? No, it was Tom Baker.
Mark Thompson, @´óÏó´«Ã½_magazine

I fully expect a QI-style klaxon coming, but although he didn't play the sax on Baker Street, Bob Holness was the first person to portray James Bond in a radio play.
MCK, Stevenage

Re: Saudi Arabia 'detains' Israeli vulture for spying - is this another case of the
Hilary Wilson, Carlisle

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has already bought the new outfit, made an appointment with the hairdresser and cleared the diary for 29 April.

The invitation to the royal wedding, after all, must surely be in the post.

So PM is only slightly disconcerted - social insecurity, of course, being most - to learn in the Times that Clarence House is trimming down its list of invitees to the reception from the 1,900 who will witness the joining of Prince William and Miss Catherine Middleton at Westminster Abbey.

"It's like any other couple," an un-named palace source "There are always decisions to be made when you go through a list of names."

PM is, of course, supremely confident of being in the elite inner group. But to judge by the Daily Telegraph's reaction to the news that Miss Middleton will arrive at the ceremony by car, someone in that particular newsroom will not be attending.

In eschewing a ceremonial coach, Miss Middleton "will break with centuries of royal tradition", splutters the report.

Ingrid Seward, editor of Majesty magazine, that it will be a "great shame" if subjects are unable to gaze at their Queen-to-be in the customary manner:

It's part of the pageantry to see the bride and her father in the glass coach. A car isn't quite the same, is it?

However, the Daily Mail, ever-alert to the scourge of public sector profligacy, seems rather taken with the post-credit crunch protocol.

Miss Middleton "will arrive at Westminster Abbey as a commoner, but will depart as a true princess with all the pomp and ceremony of a traditional British royal wedding", it insists.

"And instead of a formal, sit-down meal," "the guests will be offered champagne and canapes while official photographs are taken".

Paper Monitor looks forward to pocketing sausages on sticks, by royal appointment.

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Re: Bruce Parry. Bruce Parry's programmes reveal something we have lost - a sense of community, of supporting each other with a positive sense of identity. I think many tribes would be appalled that we don't even know the people in our street, consider strangers not a possible new friends but as a potential threat. Many look at tribes as backward and primitive but I think it may be us who are truely lacking.
TimothyWhiskers, UK

I do enjoy Bruce Parry's programmes, but sometimes find this kind of programming a touch trite. I found a another series 'meet the natives', which involved some Pacific tribesman travelling to the UK to be even more thought provoking. Their take on the homeless situation in Manchester really raises some questions about the set-up of our own society. Look it up, truly compulsive viewing!
Steve556, UK

Re: Organ Donation by Andrew from Newark (Tuesday's letters). The idea is good but I can see people getting a bit cross about having to sign up their childrens' organs in order to ensure they may be entitled to one, should something bad happen to them. Plus, would the scheme literally be and eye for an eye? Do you recieve the same organ that you're willing to donate (eye, lung, liver etc)? On face value it sounds great but reality is a little more complex.
Jane, UK

Did quiz master Bob Holness really play saxophone on the late Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street? NO!
Ewan Mitchell

Re:Holness and Baker Street. Wish it was true but Stuart Maconie invented it.
Christine Adams

It's not a downer that the 24th January will be the most depressing day (Tuesday's letters). If I were Dr Pangloss, I would explain that since today isn't the 24th - and so is not the worst day - there is some cause for optimism. Even on the 24th, you know the next day - the 25th - will be better and have something to look forward to.
Lewis Graham, Hitchin

Syed is correct (Tuesday's letters). That's the day I get my bank statement. And after Christmas ("Dad, can I have a new... ?") I am left with too much month at the end of the money. Pay day is another week away.
Adrian, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There are details that are essential to a story, those that just serve as some fluff to pad them out and then those that are just plain weird.

The Times is the source of Paper Monitor's rather quizzical look today.

It runs the story of Deborah Cavendish, the 90-year-old Duchess of Devonshire, who has obtained a restraining order against an unwanted admirer, Michael Andrews, 75.

There are many details that need mentioning in this story of unrequited love, but it's one in the second paragraph that sticks out as being just plain bizarre.

Setting out the details of the restraining order, the paper also points out that Mr Andrews "bears a passing resemblance to the late Michael Foot".

None of the other papers seems to have noticed any such likeness. Nor has Paper Monitor after holding the paper at ever angle possibly.

So what is this incongruous detail really all about? Could it be part of a new editorial policy to point out whenever anyone in the paper has even the remotest look of Mr Foot about them?

The least puzzled by this inclusion is probably the Duchess herself. Being the last surviving of the six Mitford sisters, she is no stranger to the oddities of life.

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Re: Is working with your hands better than just with your head? I currently work in a 'hands on' technical position in industry, and it is without doubt the most repetitive job i have ever had. I am probably one of the few people who are doing a degree (engineering in my case) to try and get away from the humdrum of being a technician.
Pad1979, UK

The biggest problem is that the country is run by people who although they have a University education in reality have no conception of the skill levels of most manual workers. We had a government that thought a degree was necessary for nearly all jobs, and failed to provide the facilities to train the myriad of people who make the real world work. Manual work beats paperwork. Every time.
barryp, UK

I was amused in this story to read about the . Is it now less than once each? I'll get my coat and top hat.
Peter Bowden, United Kingdom

Re: Will the VAT rise mean the end of 99p in prices? What will happen to the pound shops?
Jay Crumby

Regarding the VAT rise and 99p in prices. I suppose this spells the final doom for Radio 4's show The 99p Challenge.
Kate Thomas

Will portions/quantities just get that bit smaller so we'll get less for our 99p / £9.99?
Anita Edmunds

Am I the first to mention that Monday 24th January will be the most depressing day of the year?
Syed, London

Editor's note: Yes, what a downer.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor likes occasionally to pass on the celebrity tittle-tattle news, which it knows you like to read but are probably too ashamed to ferret out.

Paper Monitor has no such shame, but it doesn't feel right to intrude on the celebs' privacy by actually naming the people in question.

So here is the celebrity news without the monikers...

Starting in the Daily Mail, the foul-mouthed TV chef is on the front page. He has a "puffed-up face" and the Mail is convinced it's a side effect of his recent hair transplant.

In news from the beach, the paper draws attention to a very appropriately-named DJ, married to a former "ladette" and describes "tummy spilling over a garish pair of multi-coloured beach shorts.

And it devotes a whole page to the burning question of how the talent show presenter who used to be married to the much older light entertainer is hiding her baby bump.

In the Sun, the blonde one from the erstwhile girl group with the punning name is apparently going to marry her DJ boyfriend. They also find room for the "puff pasty chef".

The eight-year-old son of the footballer who is mysteriously-loved-by-the-masses is a style icon himself, the paper notes.

In the Daily Mirror, the front cover is dominated by a picture of the one from EastEnders who has a younger sister who is also an actress. She's lost three-and-a-half stone.

And the one from the erstwhile girl group with the punning name, who has split up with a rather good but disliked footballer, is reported to be planning meditation on a mountain to cheer her up.

And in the Daily Star? Well, all of the above.

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As a spectacle, London's New Year fireworks were overwhelming, but "set to music"? Apart from a couple of times when the music and fireworks actually synchronised, (eg, the start of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds) the music was mainly an accompaniment to what appeared to be an attempt on the world record for letting off the most fireworks, rather than anything creative and artistic. For examples of how to be more imaginative, the organisers could do worse than look at Sydney, Hong Kong and Dubai's efforts.
Paul, London (so my taxes going up in smoke here!)

In reference to "organ donation bid to target new drivers". A sure way of increasing the number of donors is to only allow donor card holders to be recipients. If the only way of getting an organ, should you need one, is to be willing to donate your own, should the worst happen would convince most to sign up.
Andrew, Newark

Re: Why tonight might be one of the best nights to stargaze... fingers crossed for no clouds (or light pollution). Been loads of clouds for days here so not seen the stars for a bit. Not happy.
Kevin Symonds

Re: 100 things. I don't find number two at all surprising. Presumably hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat would count as assault, wouldn't it?
Adam, London, UK

Re: 100 things. My favourite is that hamburger-related injuries are on the rise in Taiwan.
John Conner

Never mind who he reminds you of, I'm more concerned by the fact that Neanderthal has a moustache but no beard... did they invent shaving too?
Rob, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Welcome 2011. So what can we expect from the papers this year? Judging by today's stories, it's going to be a battle between the haves and the have-nots.

Most of the papers highlight just how much more expensive things are going to be for the have-nots this year. The expected price rise of anything and everything, from a , is calculated in the Sun. But at least the headline will raise a little smile: OUCH! VAT HURTS. Does that soften the blow a little bit?

No attempts at humour from the Daily Mail. It has its serious face on and gets straight to the point, with a headline telling us the VAT rise on Tuesday will cost families an extra £520 this year. Another whole page is taken up informing rail passengers just how much their tickets are going to rise by, and drivers just how much their petrol bills will climb to. Such a little ray of sunshine.

Now to those who have.

Step forward, Chancellor George Osborne. He is splashed across the Daily Mirror's front page, under the headline "TAKING THE PISTE".

His sin is to take a luxury skiing holiday in the upmarket Swiss resort of Klosters. The paper . Unions accuse him of "gross insensitivity", but a source "close to Mr Osborne" does put up some kind of defence, insisting he flew economy class.

The other person in the have category is Cheryl Cole. She has a new boyfriend, and a new £10,000 diamond bracelet that he's given her. It's safe to say we won't be forgetting what she looks like this year, if today's papers are anything to go by.

Happy New Year.

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The most interesting and unexpected facts can emerge from the daily news stories and the Magazine documents some of them in its weekly feature, 10 things we didn't know last week.

To kick off 2011, here's an almanac of the best from the past year.

1. The G-spot nearly came to be known as the Whipple Tickle.

2. You can assault someone without touching them.

3. Animal heaven is called Rainbow Bridge.

4. It's OK to own military medals you haven't earned, but it's illegal to wear them and pretend they are yours.

5. The first international cricket match was in the US.

6. The two most common pronunciations of Van Gogh are wrong.
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7. The last remaining Royal Mail ship goes back and forth to St Helena.

8. Men's waistbands are at their highest point when men reach the age of 57, just seven inches below their armpit.

9. Swans divorce.

10. Haggis has been banned in the US since 1989.

11. Face blindness - difficulty in remembering faces - is called prosopagnosia.

12. Glass attacks in bars and pubs cause 87,000 injuries a year in England and Wales.

13. You can pay for university tuition with Tesco Clubcard points.

14. The Frisbee was originally called the Pluto Platter.

15. Parents in Japan swear by KitKats when their children are taking exams.

16. Goldie Hawn runs schools.

17. The Barbie doll has had 125 careers since 1959.

18. Australia has never had a saint. Until now.
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19. There are people in the UK called Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Stan Still.

20. Elephants growl.

21. The types of lasers that remove tattoos can also be used to clean up works of art.

22. Some chickens are half-male and half-female.

23. Fifty percent of a jumbo jet can be recycled.

24. Soldiers in Afghanistan use concrete mixers to wash their clothes.

25. The mafia use Facebook.

26. Straightening irons outsell hairdryers.

27. Fried tarantula tastes like liver.

28. The name "scrumpy" comes from a word meaning small and shrivelled.

29. In The Wizard of Oz, Toto was played by a dog called Terry.

30. Marriage over the telephone is valid under Islamic law.

31. Bebo stands for blog early, blog often.

32. MPs' parliamentary gym memberships are cancelled during the election campaign.

33. Insect museums are called insectariums.

34. British servicemen and women have had their own brand of tea since 1921.

35. Doctor Who regenerations were modelled on bad LSD trips.

36. Sir Cliff Richard split up with his first serious girlfriend by letter.

37. The Turin Shroud is woven in a herringbone pattern.

38. In the US, 30% of teenagers send more than 100 texts a day.

39. US President George Washington failed to return a library book. It's now racked up a $300,000 fine (£193,000)

40. There are vending machines that sell hot chips.

41. There are surgeons who specialise in restoring virginity.

42. Storks can be blue.

43. Downing Street's famous black front door was once green.

44. China smokes one third of the world's cigarettes.
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45. Florence Nightingale used the pseudonym "Miss Smith" to evade the media.

46. A million people a month are refused a drink in a pub.

47. American and British sign language is different.

48. The European Cup was stolen in 1982 when Aston Villa players took it to a pub in the West Midlands.

49. Ken Dodd sang the third biggest-selling single of the 1960s.

50. When one police diver is under water, another four remain on dry land.

51. Wonder Woman was originally an Amazon.
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52. Withdrawn banknotes are shredded and sometimes used in compost.
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53. Hamburger-related injuries are on the rise in Taiwan.
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54. The common octopus is the most intelligent invertebrate.
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55. Gorillas play tag.
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56. Having a big head may protect against dementia.
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57. International athletes coming to London for the 1948 Olympics had to bring their own towels.
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58. One of the world's most ancient living creatures are a breed of shrimp which live in south-west Scotland.
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59. Dogs mimic their owners.
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60. Buttocks are hardest to tan.
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61. Pea plants can grow inside a human lung.
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62. Some hardened sauna users can stand temperatures of up to 160C.
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63. Honeybees are cleverer at certain times of the day.
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64. The average person spends around 15 hours 45 minutes every day awake.
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65. Children with squints are less likely to be invited to birthday parties.
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66. Urine could be a source of renewable energy.
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67. Milk used to be watered down, then coloured yellow with toxic lead chromate to make it look creamy.
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68. Traffic jams can last nine days.
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69. It's possible to watch 28,000 films in a lifetime.
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70. Apples originated in Kazakhstan.
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71. It is illegal to dry clothes in various parks in Whitstable, Kent.
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72. Geoff Capes was a champion budgerigar breeder.
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73. When people fall in love they lose on average two close friends.
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74. Subbuteo has a rugby version.
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75. The Pope's aircraft is known as "Shepherd One".
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76. Elgar wrote one of the first football songs.
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77. In French, the words for "inflation" and "fellatio" are very similar.
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78. Squirrels can be black.
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79. Chimpanzees can become addicted to smoking.
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80. Men sweat more efficiently than women.
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81. Noise affects taste.
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82. Getting drunk quickly is genetic.
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83. King penguins flirt with other penguins of the same gender but tend not to settle down with them.

84. Sparrows eavesdrop on fighting birds.

85. Crows go to school.

86. Flamingos use make-up.

87. John and Margaret were the most popular British baby names for 30 years.
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88. More than half of Americans dress up for Halloween
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89. Some 7.2 million British people get by without a wristwatch.
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90. Tea parties were invented in the 1830s.
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91. Which means that the 1773 Boston Tea Party wasn't known by that name until more than 60 years after the event. At the time it was referred to as "the destruction of the tea".
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92. Having fewer brothers and sisters can be good for your education.
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93. It's not just in comedy films that babies can fall from tall buildings, bounce on awnings and be caught by a passer-by.
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94. Nazis coined the verb coventrierung (literally, to coventrate) to describe total annihilation of a city - Coventry - through aerial bombardment.
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95. One in five people only clean their homes at weekends.
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96. Aerial massed acrobatics performed by starlings at this time of year are called "murmurations".

97. David Cameron slept on the Mall the night before Prince Charles married Lady Diana.
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98. German shoes are wider than Italian.
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99. Badgers still occupy setts known since the Domesday Book.
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100. Donald Trump's hair is real.
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