´óÏó´«Ã½

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Leap years don't just happen every four years.
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2. Horses can be borrowed from the Metropolitan Police.
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3. Swimmers can injure themselves hoovering.
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4. Flatworms might be able to live forever.

5. Men are at their happiest when they reach 65.
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6. Under-wired bras can be dangerous for policewomen.

7. The Monkees' Davy Jones inspired Star Trek character Chekov.
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8. Apes advertise their homosexuality.
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9. There are more Starbucks in London than New York.

10. Wales has the oldest population of the UK nations.

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Breaking News - Caption Competition comments box gone AWOL! Thousands of magazine readers have received a 404 error instead of the expected pristine comments box. In a desperate search for a small quantity of kudos, they are frantically searching the internet for their lost comments box. I'll get my deer-stalker hat.
Jay, Ex-pat in Oz and loving it

No letters on 1 March? Is this because MM had to work an extra day on 29 Feb?
Altogether now - "aaah".
Joe, Rustington

Has Magazine Monitor taken off on a spree of pre-Olympics civil disorder? No Thursday's letters. A tantalising Caption Competition that we can't enter. The suspense is killing us. I think we should be told.
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

This is the voice of the Mysterons. We have taken your caption competition comments box. You will find it on our barge floating down the Thames.
Discombobulator, Newcastle

One for 10 things? Seems such a shame would liven up cabinet meetings no end.
John Airey, Peterborough

I'm sick of pop music, British food and Anne Robinson (which one is Anne Robinson again?). I'm sick of cancelled Welsh soap operas and angry letters to the Daily Mail (Friday's paper monitor). There will never be another Caption Competition again. My country, which I love, is ruined, but I did enjoy a very sunny St David's Day. Have a good weekend, Monitorites.
Rob Mimpriss, Bangor, Wales

Oh no! Gremlins have taken over the Beeb.
Candace, New Jersey, US

I think Rob Falconer Tuesday's letters must have let the Sun from Greece Tuesdays letters blind him if he thinks Eddie the Eagle was a great sportsman, I do agree he was a very brave sportsman and was great value for entertainment but as for being good at his sport, You have got to be having a laugh.
Tremorman, Gateshead England

Ray (Wednesday's letters) - can you please add this to your list of weights and measures: "The Earth is getting about 50,000 tonnes lighter a year, which is just less than half the gross weight of the Costa Concordia..." Please can you distribute to the wider audience the relevant conversion rates too.
Ross, London

Ray (Wednesday's letters), I insist that we find some way to telegraph Times into your title as well, since people often forget that this too is a form of measurement. *Fetches coat and newspaper*
Simon, Winchester

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has to share an absolute treasure of a letter which tickled us this morning.

The letter, by Harry Simpson, in Northwich, Cheshire - published in Thursday's Daily Mail - is doing the rounds on Twitter, and as one tweeter mused, is essential reading for anyone curious about the world that the paper's readers inhabit.

"I'm sick of it all!," it starts, and on this occasion we think you'll forgive us for sharing it in its entirety.

I'm sick of Melvyn Bragg, Hugh Grant, Joan Bakewell and Anne Robinson. I'm sick of Vince Cable, the entire Labour Shadow Cabinet and all the politicians.

I'm sick of squatters and travellers, pop music, British food, the ´óÏó´«Ã½, surveillance cameras, my rotten pension, terrorists, Anglican bishops and having no money, and I just want to die.

My country, which I loved, is ruined. It will never be happy again. It is all self, self, self, moan, moan, moan. I cannot wait to get out and rest in peace.

On the subject of stories that won't go away, barely a year passes without Britain's Eurovision hopeful making the headlines, so it is hardly surprising that the news that Engelbert Humperdinck is flying the flag provides plenty of fodder.

says the Daily Mail, above a photo of him and his wife.

"We have tried every trick in the book - a once popular boy band, a couple of former reality show contestants, and even a song written by Andrew Lloyd Webber... so this time we are putting our faith in age and experience," it muses.

But this is the "man that beat the Beatles", so who knows, maybe this time, this year, we'll win. Maybe. Just maybe.

We've got until 26 May to think about it anyway.

Paper Monitor wonders if Harry Simpson is wishing he'd added the Eurovision to his list.

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Due to technical problems this week's Caption Competition has, regrettably, been cancelled.

There would still have been no prize, except the traditional small quantity of kudos.

This week it would have been giant Olympic rings travelling down the Thames.

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Wales is hip these days, Paper Monitor understands from its readings.

From the freeplaying rugby of its hulking three quarters, to Cardiff's buzzing nightlife or the success of Gavin and Stacey, the Welsh dragon is breathing fire at the moment.

And at his Downing Street reception on the eve of St David's Day, David Cameron struggled to control his ardour for the land across the Severn Bridge.

"There's lovely: Cameron and Stacey" runs the Daily Telegraph headline, next to a front page picture of the Prime Minister . The actress, who plays blonde, daydreamer Stacey, looks equally startled and amused.

We learn that "what's occurring" is a favourite Cameron expression, while he jokes that he'll greet any future electoral success in Wales as a "tidy result".

The PM's affection for the Billericay/Barry-set sitcom in the Daily Mail.

"Like all sitcoms in the UK it was much too short, we need more episodes. It's an absolutely fantastic piece of work and gave pleasure to millions."

Paper Monitor has the ability to see the hypothetical future, of course. The PM's response - "that would be lush, chaps".

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Wales is hip these days, Paper Monitor understands from its readings.

From the freeplaying rugby of its hulking three quarters, to Cardiff's buzzing nightlife or the success of Gavin and Stacey, the Welsh dragon is breathing fire at the moment.

And at his Downing Street reception on the eve of St David's Day, David Cameron struggled to control his ardour for the land across the Severn Bridge.

"There's lovely: Cameron and Stacey" runs the Daily Telegraph headline, next to a front page picture of the Prime Minister . The actress, who plays blonde, daydreamer Stacey, looks equally startled and amused.

We learn that "what's occurring" is a favourite Cameron expression, while he jokes that he'll greet any future electoral success in Wales as a "tidy result".

The PM's affection for the Billericay/Barry-set sitcom in the Daily Mail.

"Like all sitcoms in the UK it was much too short, we need more episodes. It's an absolutely fantastic piece of work and gave pleasure to millions."

Paper Monitor has the ability to see the hypothetical future, of course. The PM's response - "that would be lush, chaps".

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What's the word for that mild self-loathing you feel when you click on a story in the most popular list that you usually wouldn't read, purely to see what all the fuss is about? Internet Peer Pressure? I'll get my (sheep) coat.
Catherine Hall, Angel, London

Let me guess - loudest trousers?
Rusty, Montreal, Quebec

Paper Monitor is supposed to report the puns, not make them.
Alexander Lewis Jones, Nottingham, UK

If Britain were Greece... "If UK was (sic) like Greece how bad would it be?" Well, at least it would be a bit hotter here than it is now, so we'd save on heating. And we'd get to keep the Elgin Marbles.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Raspberry Pi goes on general sale - Mmm! Dollop of ice cream, anyone?
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

Re: Tim of London (Tuesday's letters), where does he get the figure of 17.9 tonnes from? I think the (unladen) weight is more like 11.5 tonnes, only 4 tonnes more than the smaller, old Routemaster.
HB, London

Pjm (Tuesday's letters): My role is an entirely voluntary one and not linked to any other organisation. I am therefore not required to quote measurements in either imperial or metric standards. I do so only for those who still struggle with a purely comparative system. For the benefit of several correspondents, I shall henceforth adopt the new title below.
Ray Lashley, Independent Guardian of Monitor Weights and Measures

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It's all about the horses in today's papers.

The revelation that former Sun editor Rebekah Brooks was lent a police horse by the Metropolitan Police is manna for many of the papers.

Brooks, aka "flame-haired Rebekah Brooks" (16,600 Google results), was one of 12 people to "foster" a retired gee-gee in 2008.

She paid for food and vet bills and returned the horse later in a "poor but not serious condition", according to the Met.

Having scoured the Sun twice, it's difficult to find where the story is. A bit like a needle in a haystack. Ho ho.

But everybody else has fun. Daily Mail: "How Rebekah Brooks got a 'gift' horse from the Met".

Mediocre.

Daily Mirror: Are cops too close to the Sun? Well, it's a stable relationship.."

Better.

Daily Telegraph: "Rebekah Brooks and the police 'gift' horse".

Deja vu.

The Telegraph puts it on the front.

And there's even more equine news as most of the papers have a series of gripping photos from the successful rescue of a horse trapped up to its neck in mud in Melbourne as the tide came in.

It's a whinny-whinny situation for all concerned.

Sorry.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Not sure it's worth quibbling over a few metres in several thousand. It's big. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.
Aqua Suliser, Bath

Re: dead mice on parade. Obviously we need to pose one as Jimmy Cagney..."Come out and take it, you dirty, yellow-bellied rat, or I'll give it to you through the door!" Candace, New Jersey, US

Is this New clue to Neanderthal wipe-out the ´óÏó´«Ã½'s latest attempt at Saturday night entertainment?
I'll get me spear...
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

Anyone else click on the New clue to Neaderthal wipe-out link hoping to see cavemen rebounding off big red balls?
Sarah Conner, Birmingham

With the Olympics looming, we're seeing a lot of "Vote for Britain's Top Sportsman of all Time" surveys. Yet I rarely see listed someone who is, I feel, the epitome of all sporting things British, especially of those daring amateurs of Victorian and Edwardian days. I refer, of course, to Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards, in my opinion the greatest British sportsman ever. And, yes, I'm serious.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

As it remains illegal for councils and official bodies to post distance signs in metric, perhaps Ray (Guardian of Monitor Weights and Measures) should revise his Monday correspondence to put the imperial measures first and the metric measures second in brackets as they are of lesser significance.
Pjm, Beckenham

Ray Lashley (Guardian of Monitor Weights and Measures) gave the measures but not the weight: 17.9 tonnes. As the old Routemaster weighed 7.47 tonnes, comparative weight measurements need to be reduced by a factor of about 2.4 (A blue whale is the weight of seventeen Routemasters, but only seven Borismasters) Such is progress - however green the new buses engine is, it has to lug around more than ten tonnes of excess weight compared with its predecessor.
Tim, London

AnnieMouse, surely you should have fetched some item of Swedish traditional protective outerwear to close out your letter?
Rusty, Montreal, Quebec

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Paper Monitor is torn - what's it going to be today? Celebrities posing on the Oscar red carpet - or animals posing with their best fox-friend, or astride shopping trollies. The papers are full of photographs of both.

It's a tough call.

Regarding the Oscars, the usual suspects are pictured lining up on Sunday night to out-do each other - Cameron Diaz pouts in cream, Penelope Cruz va va vooms in blue-grey, Michelle Williams dazzles in coral, Uggie looks debonair in a dickie bow.

But critics agree that it was Angelina Jolie's right thigh that stole the show. She gets the Oscar for "most over-exposed right leg" from the Daily Mail, while fans have taken to @AngiesRightLeg to signal their approval.

On now to the other posers. Pad forward , Georgia, who has reportedly become an internet hit with pictures of her balancing between a bicycle seat and handle bars, between two shopping trollies, on top of a fire hydrant and on the back of a horse. Metro describes her as the "queen of canine planking". Her owner is now hoping to visit all of the states in the US and record her standing on "something strange" on the blog Maddie On Things: A Super Serious Project About Dogs and Physics.

The Daily Mail 's page three is dedicated to photographs of . The pair have formed an inseparable bond and the vixen has apparently learned doggy behaviour from the terrier. They are shown enjoying a playfight, jumping for a ball and larking about amid the bluebells. In some of the pictures, the pair strike remarkably similar poses. They are celebrated in pages of the Daily Telegraph, under a headline that plays on the "quick brown fox" pangram.

Finally, spare a thought for the poor creatures who don't get a say over what pose they are photographed in. The front page of the Mail's website carries an intriguing picture of a white mouse holding a teeny-weeny guitar. Click through to the feature and you get the headline: "Is this the most bizarre art project ever? Taxidermy class teaches students how to stuff dead mice and pose them up 'as if they were humans'."

Paper Monitor would concur that this strikes one as being quite out of the ordinary. And as the newspaper warns: "This is not a hobby for the faint of heart".

"Susan Jeiven's class in New York on anthropomorphic taxidermy has been sold out since December. The one-day workshop, which teaches students how to stuff dead mice and pose them up as if they were humans, is becoming a popular pastime in New York."

Paper Monitor suggests that the squeakish (pun borrowed from the paper) might want to stop scrolling down the page after the picture showing one mouse holding a wine glass, while another poses in a tutu.

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Would it not be easier and cheaper to settle this over a game of Top Trumps?
Sue, London

Adjacent headlines on the ´óÏó´«Ã½ News front page: Risky mission: How Israel might strike at Iran's nuclear programme, just above: Boom or bust.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

For all the figures included in this story, the key ones are missing: Height 4.4m, width 2.55m, length 11.2m (14ft 5in by 8ft 4in by 36ft 9in for the traditionalists). Comparative height measurements therefore remain unchanged (Nelson's Column is still the height of 12 Routemaster buses) but length measurements should be reduced by two for every 11 "old" buses (the field at Wembley is now the length of nine, not 11 Routemaster buses).
Thank you for your patience whilst other comparisons are updated.
Ray Lashley, Guardian of Monitor Weights and Measures

In the Scandinavian food article, you say that "biksemad" is a classic Scandi dish, but the pedant in me is obliged to tell you that is its name in Danish. In Swedish, it's called "pytt i panna" (literally, small bits in a pan - similar to our bubble & squeak).
AnnieMouse, Dorking

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"The king is dead. Long live the queen," pronounces former news editor and chief reporter of the News of the World, Neville Thurlbeck, reviewing the first edition of the Sun on Sunday .

Most reviewers conclude that Rupert Murdoch's new offering, launched to fill the gap left by the News of the World, held few surprises, with some describing it as "timid" or "limp".

For Thurlbeck, while the first edition felt a bit like a "damp squib", he is in no doubt that a "new tabloid era" has dawned. While he says there were no investigation or revelations to speak of, "this is surely the type of tabloid paper we will be getting post Leveson, so in that respect it is setting the agenda other tabloids will follow".

Assessing a number of the human interest stories, he concludes that the title appears to be aimed squarely at the female market. "A total of 13 pages devoted to the staple fare of most women's magazines. The Sun is leaving us in no doubt about its Sunday identity," he continues.

For Stephen Glover, writing in the Independent, the paper is not only but also better behaved than its weekday and Saturday sister. But the pay-off for not feeling "slightly grubby" to be caught reading the new title, is the fact that it's just a bit boring.

The Financial Times's Matthew Engel concurs, . It points out that Sundays produced by "weary daily hacks for whom it is just another shift" do not make for a successful product. But it's Engel's description of the "page-3" girl that really stands out:

The biggest surprise for readers of either the weekday Sun or the old Sunday "Screws" will be Page 3, which does indeed feature an attractive woman wearing no bra. But she looks horrified, and her arms are coyly covering her breasts, as though the photographer had barged into her dressing room at the wrong moment.

For media consultant Peter Sands, that really made a splash - in more ways than one:

The most graphic headline of the day is without doubt 'I heard splash ... it was Amanda's blood hitting floor'. Woah. Good headlines should build pictures ... but I wasn't quite ready for this one.

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