Sample answer - Attempt 2
Since this is an autobiography, James writes in the first person, and tells an engaging anecdote from his childhood to entertain the reader. He creates a story from this anecdote, including characters, and sets himself up for disaster at the end of the extract.
The tone of the passage is humorous. James puts himself down by pointing out how terrible his go-carts are compared to other people’s. His are made out of bits of old rubbish, like a ‘fruit box’ and an ‘old pram’. It is also worse because it is silent, unlike the ones that ‘screamed’, which shows what the children valued: noise!
After introducing the concept of go-carting, and the expectation of crashing, James introduces a character, Mrs Braithwaite. He says that they all ‘thought that she was a witch’, which brings a vivid idea of what kind of woman she was to the reader’s mind. While this is the viewpoint of a child, James mixes the viewpoint with that of the adult he now is. What makes Mrs Braithwaite dangerous is that she has been known to ring the police if anyone damages her poppies. This is a much more real threat than her being a witch.
This extract builds to a climax: the prospect of the disaster. James tells us that it was ‘vital’ to make the turn, stressing its importance. This emphasis is ominous: the reader is left expecting that James will not make the turn. Anticipating the disaster brings tension to the text, and makes it more enjoyable to read.
Therefore, James uses both language and structure to create an entertaining text for the reader.
Feedback - Improving
This answer:
- Has many developed points.
- Has an introduction which gives an overview of the answer, and a conclusion, even if it is very short.
- Uses quotation and examples to back up points. Some of the points are developed with further discussion – like how bad his go-cart is.
- Acknowledges the information from the context and the question this is both an autobiography and intended to entertain.
- Doesn't use any links between paragraphs.