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Archives for July 1, 2012 - July 7, 2012

10 things we didn't know last week

16:29 UK time, Friday, 6 July 2012

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Ernest Hemingway wrote 47 endings to A Farewell to Arms.

2. The US is the second-most visited country in the world (after France).

3. Fat arctic chickens are just as fit as svelte ones.
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4. The US government is sceptical about the existence of mermaids.

5. Higgs boson scientists at Cern used Comic Sans on presentation slides.

6. A fish has been discovered in Vietnam that has its genitals on its head.

7. Hitler personally intervened to protect a Jewish man who had been his WWI commanding officer.

8. In the 1970s, the once-rare word "infeasible" became far more popular than "unfeasible".

9. A woman's eyebrows can give a clue as to where she is from.

10. Space slows the signs of ageing in worms.
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Your Letters

16:17 UK time, Friday, 6 July 2012

Angus - I have the same problem, but the answer's in the pronunciation. If you'd say what sounds like "Angusses card", then it's Angus's. If you'd say what sounds like "Angus card", then it's Angus'. Personally, I'd go with Angus's (and James's).
James, Timaru, New Zealand

Angus I can understand your plight with the apostrophe. I too have confusion as "Ross's" has far too many s's. That said, both 's and just ' are accepted. Under no circumstances should the apostrophe be between the t and s in coats, though! That is, of course, unless your name is Coat...
Ross, London

Never mind intelligent coaches, it never stops amusing me in parks where notices proclaim ''Dogs Keep off grass.'' Ever seen a pooch take out their glasses and actually reading these notices. A lot of adults have the same problem!
Tim McMahon, Martos, Spain

The real question is, lovely/handsome PM, is 'what effect has the Fifty had on your soft furnishings?' - and you don't even need to borrow sugar to let us know. Just confess in full, it's good for your soul. [And definitely good for ours.]
AnglianRose, [yachting somewhere on the M roads in post-diluvian England

First-person pronouns in Paper Monitor! Has Paper Monitor ever referred to itself as "I" before?
Frederic Heath-Renn, London, UK

I left an answerphone message asking for some information to be sent to "Miss C Hall". It arrived addressed to "Mrs Seagull".
Clare Hall, Bathgate, West Lothian

Can anyone help with a witty reply? My mum died recently and I duly closed her water, electricity, phone accounts etc. I then started receiving letters to "Mrs Morris (deceased)saying "We understand you're moving - here is our helpful booklet on setting up a new home (from EDF Energy) and "To the late Mrs Morris, c/o Paul Morris (SE Water) and so on. As usual, when I really need a witty repost, my mind is a blank. Doubtless Monitorites will be able to suggest some suitable responses... I'll get my notebook.
Paul Morris, Cheriton Fitzpaine, Devon

Nominative determinism alert! They couldn't have chosen a better director for this film. Scott L, Atlanta, US

To Angus (Thurs letters):
Both Angus' and Angus's are correct.
BTW, don't leave us dangling like that! You'll get your coat's what? Leather elbow patches? Epaulettes? Detachable sleeves?
I'm off to fetch my smoking jacket and recline in my large leather armchair...
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

Caption Competition

14:00 UK time, Friday, 6 July 2012

Comments

Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

Dog in clothes

This week, Moddum, an 18-month old Chihuahua, waits for its owner outside a shopping mall.

6. The Coachman wrote:
Actually, I'm a chic-huahua

5. Rob Falconer wrote:
So that's what a Dalek looks like naked!

4. ARoseByAnyOther wrote:
Even the fashion police have sniffer dogs these days

3. HaveGavel wrote:
OK, my turn now : WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE SHOPPING MALL, I SAW . . . . . a very small dog wearing a mini leather stetsun, a tiny pair of pink sun-glasses, a . . . minute denim jacket, a teeny George Michael tee shirt, a . . . pair - two pairs - of sweet little lace-up sneakers and . . . and . . . a false nose made of liquorice!

2. CindyAccidentally wrote:
"Who's been reading the dating tips in Jackie magazine, then?"

1. Kudosless wrote:
Undo the laces. Remove the boots. Unfasten the velcro.
Some days, I have to ask myself if lamp posts are really worth it

Paper Monitor

10:26 UK time, Friday, 6 July 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sleek, toned, well-groomed - a fine, young filly.

No - I not talking about that army horse bounding across the front page of the Times; I refer of course to the *clothes* horse Heidi Klum - supermodel, super mum (making her more a mare, technically?), presenter - and a Twitter fan who has lost the clothes and taken to sharing her beautiful, bikini-ed moments online. coos the headline on the front page of the Daily Mirror (the words hovering above a Klum-eye-view self-portrait on the beach).

But she's not alone: "celebrity body surfing" - photos taken by stars from the neck down as they toast in the sun or laze on a lounger, and then posted on Twitter - is the new craze sweeping the internet, we're told. Cue edifying picture gallery of celeb navel gazing (literally) - and a little quiz inviting us to match celebs to the relevant decapitated bod.

Things gets a bit more high-brow in the Sun and Daily Mail with features on celeb eyebrows (see what Paper Monitor did there?). claims the Mail as it points to new research from a leading department store. If you want to know where a woman is from, just look at the lines of hair above her eyes, apparently, according to research from the department store Debenhams ( puns the Sun) - cf the "Scouse brow", favoured by the likes of Coleen Rooney, which is dark and defined, and the more natural "London brow", for example, sported by the pout-tastic Keira Knightley. Or the "Tadpole brow", popularised by Irish women.

Sara Stern from Debenhams, which surveyed beauty staff in brow bars, claims that "the number of women who are adopting signature styles for their region is so high it's like having a brow-o-meter". Stern also says that women are increasingly making statements with their brows, wherever they are from, thanks to celebrities who have adopted the trend, says the Mail.

Does this mean civilians (non-beautiful non-celebs) will also start apeing the famous and start sharing their torso snaps en masse, too?

Paper Monitor raises a disapproving eyebrow.

Your Letters

15:12 UK time, Thursday, 5 July 2012

"A police source told ´óÏó´«Ã½ Radio WM a passenger was seen pouring a liquid into a box, which then started smoking." Is anybody else thinking Pot Noodle?
Christian Cook, Street, Somerset

"Police said the coach stopped on the hard shoulder "of its own accord" at 0820 BST." Wow! I had no idea coaches these days were so intelligent.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Rich (Wednesday's letters): My wife is called Anne (with an E) and has received letters to Ann Withaney...
Neil Barrett, London UK

Carrying on the theme, I once spelled out my name to a secretary so she could post me a form. When the letter arrived, it was addressed to "Jordache". To this day I remain mystified as to how she got to that.
Joash, Bolton, UK

Nothing to do with naming on credit cards, but perhaps someone can shed light on this controversy. When your name ends with an S as mine does, how do you express the possessive? Is the card that belongs to me Angus' card or Angus's card? I'll get me coat's.
Angus Gafraidh, London UK

Paper Monitor

11:53 UK time, Thursday, 5 July 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Mirror's Brian Reade which is no doubt familiar to countless other middle-aged men:

I got into bed to find my wife ­reading Fifty Shades Of Grey and asked why she'd sneaked upstairs to read S&M bondage ­material while I was watching a Newsnight special on the bankers (or Fifty Shades Of Grab). "For God's sake, don't ­over-react. It's what's known as mummy-porn," she replied, laughing.

As it happens, Brian Reade's wife is Carol Midgley of the Times, whose column is also happens to be published on Thursdays.

Paper Monitor turns to the Posh People's Paper to see whether the story is recounted from the other side of the marital chamber.

And sure enough, it is. "This week I became possibly the last person in Britain to finish Fifty Shades of Grey," Midgley admits.

Like every other media commentator who has digested the book, of course, she is "Hell, it was boring. A flogging might have been marginally less painful. I ended up skimming over the interminable sex passages to get to the fractionally more interesting bits where they get dressed afterwards."

Midgley goes on to explore the phenomenon of 50 Shades branded merchandise - "official clothing, key rings, boxer shorts, ties, lingerie, jewellery and stationery" bearing the novel's brand.

This process, she says, is "turning S&M into an aspirational lifestyle choice with beautifully co-ordinated curtains and valances".

Paper Monitor must pop round to the columnist couple's residence to borrow a cup of sugar and sneak a look at what impact the EL James' masterwork has had on the Midgley/Reade soft furnishings.

Your Letters

15:44 UK time, Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Now that the God Particle has been identified is it a coincidence that the Roman Catholic service of worship is called the Holy Mass?
Jan Podsiadly, Croydon

Rob's congratulatory missive (Tuesday's letters) begs the question - did he only receive crumbled Kudos sprinkled on his keyboard?
Dickie, NY, USA

DRSPACER WALKER (Tuesday's letters) - I can do better than that. My step-grandmother was called Betty Gee. Having spelled it out over the phone she then received a letter addressed to "Betty Jeedubbley".
Rich, Titchfield Common, UK

"DRSPACER WALKER"? Are you sure they haven't sent you George Lucas' card by mistake?
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

Rob (Tuesday's letters)- afraid we were beaten to this example back in the 19th century! When the Moneys married into the Coutts banking clan, Punch published the verse "Money takes the name of Coutts/Superfluous and funny/For everyone considers Coutts/Synonymous with money".
Edward Green, London, UK

Did anyone else expect the call for comments at the bottom of this story to say "Have you been injured in a car accident that wasn't your fault? Then we may be able to help. Just call 0800..."
Basil Long, Nottingham

Wow, I can get all the way back to Friday 1 June letters just by following links in other people letters. I'll get my hyperlink.
James, Cambridge

Paper Monitor

14:50 UK time, Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

In the wake of Bob Diamond's resignation, and on the day the Barclays boss is being quizzed by MPs, Paper Monitor can't help but notice sub editors are having a field day.

is the headline favoured by both the Guardian and the Times, while the i paper goes for "Diamond cut".

The Daily Mirror favours the succinct but satisfactory

While the Daily Express explains how saying the Barclays boss had it all - "the flashy name and the fabulous pay packet", before he came crashing down amid a string of controversies in the City of London.

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail reflects on what it calls after Mr Diamond implicated the Bank of England in the Libor rate-fixing scandal.

Never one to miss an opportunity to flash some flesh, the paper also has a big picture of Diamond's daughter, Nell - wearing a slashed-to-the-thigh dress - after she tweeted what it calls a "crude tweet from his loyal daughter" hitting back at politicians.

Paper Monitor won't repeat the tweet, but the Daily Telegraph decided to give the story a similar treatment, using the same photo of the 23-year-old under the headline "Standing up for daddy".

Call us cynical, but we bet her Twitter page is pretty popular today.

Your Letters

17:29 UK time, Tuesday, 3 July 2012

J. Paul (letters passim), I can do better than that. Receiving a credit card made out to DRR WALKER, I asked for a space to be inserted before DR and R. I duly received my new card made out to DRSPACER WALKER.
Dr Reece Walker, London UK

Can I just congratulate everyone whose captions got picked for last Friday's "piglet" Caption Competition? All of them were absolute gems, and you now owe me the cost of some keyboard cleaning wipes.
Rob, London, UK

So, banker to the Royal family, has passed away - now, that's nominative determinism.
Rob Falconer, Llandough, Wales

"Even the bathroom sinks"? Well, only if the ship does.
Edward Green, London, UK

EU status quo unacceptable - PM. I strongly believe should remain unmistakably British.
Steve, Hereford

Paper Monitor

09:47 UK time, Tuesday, 3 July 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

A hawk dominates the newspapers today.

No, Paper Monitor is not referring to the Libor scandal currently hanging over the City of London.

Instead, it is actual birds of prey on whom this columnist's attention is focused.

Staring from the front page of the Times is a marvellous picture of Rufus, the hawk used to scare pigeons from the All England Club at Wimbledon.

Photographer James Glossop vividly captures the magnificent creature's eye, beak and plumage - sadly the image is not online. Paper Monitor urges readers to pay a visit to their newsagent to investigate.

The reason why Rufus is making headlines is best outlined by Bryony Gordon in the Daily Telegraph.

A major bird-hunt was launched after he was stolen along with his cage from a van in the south-west London suburb.

At the All England Lawn Tennis Club, he is now as famous as Andy Murray, as strawberries and cream. Even Sir Cliff Richard, usually synonymous with the annual tournament, would have to strip naked on Centre Court to beat the column inches that the young animal has garnered. Because for now, Rufus is the world's most notable bird.

A Twitter campaign was launched to find him and, according to Gordon, "local police put their best inspectors on the case".

Fortunately, however, Rufus was eventually spotted on Wimbledon Common and handed in. According to the Telegraph, he has since been eating quails and "enjoying baths". Paper Monitor is envious.

Your Letters

15:30 UK time, Monday, 2 July 2012

Wonderful nominative determinism here.
Catherine, Southampton, UK

Leap second and storm disrupt weekend web services - how the heck did they cope with 29 February?
chookgate, Milton Keynes

Right... So if you are crew or customer of a stricken ship - or otherwise and fall into the river, you sink obediently unless you have prior permission to strike out for land?
Henri, Sidcup

J.Paul, (Friday's letters), I suggest you send a letter to your bank letting them know you did not authorize the "withdrawal" of your middle initial and you would like it "deposited" back forthwith. Don't hold your breath on them actually doing it though.
Martin Pearson, Hoosick Falls, Upstate NY, USA

Paper Monitor

10:57 UK time, Monday, 2 July 2012

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If there's one thing that's guaranteed to give the residents of any market town a conniption, it's plans for some kind of sex-related business.

For the residents of Ampthill, Beds, it's a lap dancing club. Stories about local folk's antipathy to sex shops etc are ten a penny, but from the Daily Telegraph caught Paper Monitor's eye.

Here's why.

Probably in anticipation of the agro that was coming his way, businessman John Shayler - who has applied for a sexual entertainment licence for the club - appears to have been conducting a charm offensive.

He argues that the club would be good for the local economy. Create jobs even. Even for those who may have taken early retirement and may be at a loose end. And there's something for everybody.

Here's his ad in full, courtesy of the Telegraph:

"Dancers required. We are now actively seeking dancers to join our team. We would like to hear from Ampthill, Flitwick and the surrounding villages, 18 to 60 years only please. 1. Male dancers; 2. Female dancers; 3. Gay male dancers; 3. [sic] Lesbian dancers; 4. Transvestite dancers; 5. Transsexual dancers.
"Experiences [sic] preferred but not required as training will be provided."

If that doesn't raise a smile - these quotes will.

Shayler, according to the story, is looking to bring a "bit of magic to people's lives". The paper notes that he is already involved with a lap dancing club in another town and has previously he compared himself with Walt Disney.

Yes, he wants to spread a bit a fairy dust to create a "Disney World bubble where people turn up miserable and leave with a smile on their face."

Here's what one resident of Ampthill has to say about that idea: "He says he wants some Disney World experience - what are we going to have, Minnie Mouse stripping off? I think someone is having a laugh. You can't take things like this seriously."

The features pages of the same newspaper lift the lid on the details of what many view as a David and Goliath-style row between the Church of England and residents of three small villages in Devon.

"Shepherd-flock relations turned nasty," we learn after the Church planned to construct 25m-high wind turbines on three different sites in north Devon. The Church has capitulated but an air of bitterness and recrimination remains.

Religious metaphors and analogies are .

We discover a "a passion play of a very modern kind has been acted out", that a "serpent's nest" of trouble has been stirred up, while a wrath of "biblical strength" has been unleashed... etc, etc.

The Bishop of Exeter, Michael Langrish, sent a lettter to the congregations last month in which he spoke of "being grieved by the way some of those opposed to our proposals have resorted to abusive and bullying tactics".

His observations have not gone down well, the Telegraph notes:

They could have been served up with a big dollop of mea culpa regarding lack of consultation, plus a promise to drop the turbine scheme forthwith, but the bishop's remarks left villagers feeling he had taken his message not from the Book of Lamentations, but from the Gospel of Sour Grapes.

"What's that all about?" asks Caroline Hopton, who is responsible for a series of tongue-in-cheek "Have you got wind of the bishop's erections?" posters. "One minute, he's talking about bridge-building, the next, he goes boo-hoo and says he's been bullied."

More tea Vicar?

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