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And I'm telling you, I CAN see my reflection on your head.

Copper : "So, William Wales punched you?"

Russ: "okay .. so Katy Perry skirt photo was a mistake ... but I was no where near Kate Middleton"

look mr howard we don't care how she liked it you shouldn't have used a pineapple

Have you ever considered speed dating?

russ: i might have looked up that old womans dress but im telling you: I DID NOT FART!

i dont think your hair is under the table

look I know your jealous of my awesome hair
but that's no need to arrest me baldy.

You look like a bold Oliver Hardy. Except bigger.

And this is how i pushed the button and it went boom

I TOLD YOU I WANTED A NUMBER 7 EXTRA SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE

I believe Colonel Mustard did it in the study with the candlestick

OK, so mayyybeeeeee throwing that fire extinguisher off the top of the multi-story car park was probably a bad idea.... BUT I DONT WANT TO PAY MORE!

im telling you i want a JAM doughnut

I can’t believe you think I stole your hair,,, .. I suppose I also stole your sense of humour and all sense of realty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Russell: I'f you pout like this and inhale does your moustache go up your nose?

"Did you get this table from IKEA? I want one just like it for my drug den."

Lawyer? I want my mummy NOW!

russel: Look she told me she was 20
Police: she was 13.

" I never said putting marbales up his bum would turn him into a wizzard !! "

What ever you've got, Ill eat it, sort it or ride it baby!

;( "I did not know it was illegal to trade wigs!" copper "and why is that sir" answer " because i am a mop salesman!"

Is that your truncheon rubbing against my leg under the table?

Oh come on, it's only flashing if she actually saw me!

russ: "i didnt know they didnt want other doggers. you of all people should understand"

I don't care if you daughters getting married! Retirement laws say your just too old to work here!

look mate if you're not going to wear your hat then can I?

Yes I did stalk her, but I didn't leave my oven on!

Russel: I told you, the only way to placate a student is day time tv and Jaffa Cakes, but did you listen?!

There is NOTHING up there so I am not going to assume the position!!

So, Detective Frost, Do you get any enjoyment being in a room alone with another male?

Just because you're a cop and have an amazing moustache, it does NOT mean you're Magnum P.I!

Russell: I don't care who your Grandad is mate - I didn't nick your wig and I don't wanna join your party !!

I'VE TOLD YOU THREEE TIMES ALREADY, THIS IS A TABLE!!!!

Ok yes I stole your hat, but I didn't take ur wig!

Russ: ok, so you just massage miracel grow twice daily to the scalp and you should be sorted in a couple of weeks!

An arguement breaks out over who is black and who is white at the annual Cops vs Robbers Invisible Chess Tournament

'Don't you know who I am?'

'Well sir, it says here you're H from Steps...'

it was henry all the time i tell you, i was never into the drugs

You can arrest me if you want chances are you will lose your job. Officer baldy of greater Manchester police.

I'm telling you if let me of this charge I can get you work as andy parsons stunt double

Go on, I promise it will stay just between the two of us. Do you use dome wax? Its just so shiny!

"If i kissed this table now - what would you do about it?"

Now then Russell. Just because you saw someone put a cat in a bin doesn't mean you should run around shouting. "Run Cats Run". Now get out of my sight.

can u see that an you said this place had been cleaned

Hold on!! So you're telling me this isn't a sketch for my TV show?

Officer i was only telling the truth, you DO look like a bald hitler!!

my scizophrenic chess partner asks why did you move the bishop and not the knight? schoolboy error....is this what the public deserve from todays police force? we think not, dont we(turns head to right)

Karl regretted transferring to a desk job, the field guy would not stop harrassing him.

Officer, for the last time, the white powder is from my sherbet dib dab, not a sherbet fountain! I am not some kind of liquorice monster! This is a case of mistaken confectionery!

AND I AM TELLING YOU... You look JUST like Dr. Phill. So is she, MY BABY MOMA!

You can't arrest me just for saying you look like Omid Djalili!

look, they said i could have a 19 inch in my cell!!

"Did you just touch my foot with your foot?"

"That wasn't my foot..."

"..."

I tell you now..I WILL WIN THIS FACEBOOK POKE WAR!

Meet me at the pier at midnight... We will stare out at the ocean one last time.

Russ: "come on now...sound it out.. 'Ruusseeeell...'"

I didn't rob the places i only blew the bloody doors off!

Put your shoe back on and get your toes out of there!

Mr Howard, do you seriously expect me to believe that your grandmother is cultivating these plants

Just because I get my fans to write my captions for me, that does not mean I'm a criminal! Bitch.

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Would you please look at me when i,m talking to you , the light shining off the top of your head is hurting my eyes.

Russ: Look i know i have a lazy eye and my hair can be messy but your BALD is shiney and i that moustache doesn't fir your face.

Russell: I have the culprit right here.
Officer: I don't see him.
Russell: Thats because he's a Smurf!

russ: a sketch of the queen doing standup is NOT treason.

look my brother as only had marbles up his bum never crack

Russell: "Listen i don't care if you are bald, you still cant have a moustache like hitler!!!"

Look officer, I didn't know they didnt wear anything under their kilts, My friends just dared me to look!

" Look at the state of this table! Next time cover you mouth when you sneeze.... You disgust me! "

I know you ate my donut, you're a cop...it was RIGHT HERE!!

russel teaches police new sex move

I wasn't flashing, sometimes my thing just becomes untucked from my sock. Its a curse

No, I am not responsible for the skid mark on this table!

How was I to know trying to lick the queen was a crime? I only wanted to see if she tasted like stamps!

Look i'll tell you again there is no way i'm shaving MY head for YOUR new wig, unless it's for children in need

Hey, I didn't do it officer BUT if you shave that moustache off and glue it to your head I will gladly admit to the crime!!!

Russell: Dont give me that rubbish!! The evidence is compelling!! Are you still going to deny impersonation of a police officer?

You can't tell me we didn't have enough officers at the scene! I demand satisfaction!

LOOK!! she is lying

Although he had drank alot and had hit his head, Russel sure as hell knew he wasn't in 1975.

Listen, Hitler. I warned you that the cream would make you loose your hair!

and i'm saying that this ink stain looks like Jesus

look officer I know Ewoks are on the protected species list, but I only wanted a nibble, I swear!

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Are you wearing lipstick? ARE YOU!? I'm telling you, your mustache doesn't hide it! Chanel Rouge Hydrabase Crème in Fire, I can TELL...

Look, if you're going to impersonate a police officer atleast get rid of that ridiculous 'tash, it's not 70's Germany.

Look, French Manicure is SO last week, give me Acrylics, NOW

...And that your officer is why the dead mouse was inside the condom.

This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the house rules. Explain.

Shine Your Head For A Nickel Guv'ner

Look I'm sorry I punched you in the face.. but you really DO look like Andy Parsons!

No mate! I think it was you! who ate all the pies!

Just because you are the Law does NOT mean you can play Footsie with me!

" Dad stop dressing as a police man,
you are scaring away all my dogging buddies"

Russell: All right! Arm wrestle, right here, right now!
Policeman: *sigh*

Look Officer, I refuse to believe that you can detain me under the terrorism act just for threatening a young girl with The Dinner Witch..........

Your hair was RIGHT HERE the last time I saw it, officer.

Officer, for the last time it is not me that keeps voting for Ann Widdecombe in Strictly Come Dancing.

Nice iPod, baldy.

Madness? THIS IS A TABLE!!
~Gary (name to use if mentioned) :)