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Rob and Helen: This Week's The Archers in Rhyme

It was Pam Ayres what started it. She tweeted a poem within minutes of Sunday night's .

Archers listeners followed suit. Here's the week's events in Ambridge recounted in poetry.

Sunday 3 April: Helen takes desperate action. Is it curtains for Rob?

Oh, Kirsty!

And yet... was Helen right? Had she really killed Rob?

Monday 4 April: He's breathing!

... Burns arrives at the scene. And the spectators gather outside Blossom Hill Cottage...

Kirsty, Fallon and now Jess
Know that Helen's in a mess.
Married to the evil Rob
Every breath becomes a sob.
Finally she sees the light;
Tries to break free from her plight.
Tuna bake withstanding not;
Home-made custard, boiling hot.
Rob is hoist with own petard.
Enter Burnsy of the Yard....
Flashing lights and sirens loud
Soon attract a gawping crowd.
Pat and Tony, all confused;
Peggy-entrance is refused.
Chaos reigns till finally
Helen's handcuffed f'rall to see.
Female 'tec takes her away
On a trip, I heard Pat say.

- Janet Hitchen on

Tuesday 5 April: Pat discovers the abuse that has been going on under her nose

Weds 6 / Thursday 7 April: Helen responds to police questions with "No comment"

Friday 8 April: Peggy reaches out to Ursula and we discover that Rob's life hangs in the balance

The Future: ???

But the mystery remains as to where he was stabbed
But nevertheless our attention is grabbed
I’m hoping it’s somewhere that’s private and tender
That forces young Rob to reassign gender!
But what of the fate of poor dear Helen
were she to become a convicted felon?
Twas Rob, the scoundrel, that gave her the blade
And Kirsty and Jess will come to her aid
Helen’s defence is as sound as a drum
She’s suffered for months at the hands of that scum
She’ll go down the station, a statement to make
Then arrive back at home and her waters will break!
Will that be the end of it? I fear not...
For Ursula, Rob's mum, will appear at the cot
She'll claim that Helen is an unfit mother
Should custody she win, the baby will suffer.
Heaven forfend it should end in that way
The poor little babe can’t be taken away
If Helen’s found guilty and jail’s where they send her
Then the tot should jump ship and become an Eastender!

- (Sue Eakin and Peter Alldis) on

Will Henry get called as a character witness?
Will Ursula question her parental-fitness?
I hope the police know that Rob can't be trusted.
What man would INSIST on FRESH HOME-MADE CUSTARD!!?

- James Pitt on

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