Matt Harvey
In 1992 began performing poems and is now a veteran of the UK鈥檚 festival circuit.
He is President of MIND in Exeter and East Devon and helps organise its regional Off the Wall comedy festival. Since co-writing and co starring in two series of One Night Stanza in 2001/02 he has become a regular Radio 4 voice, contributing to programmes such as Off The Page, Word of Mouth and A Good Read. He writes songs too.
Matt has published five books; Here We Are Then, Songs Sung Sideways, Standing Up To Be Counted Out, Curtains and Other Material and most recently The Hole in the Sum of my Parts which contains a selection from the previous four books plus some new bits.
What are you?
You鈥檙e a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate
utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot
What are you?
You鈥檙e a huggy cuddle craver, you鈥檙e a snugly cradle raver - you鈥檙e a bit of a groover, a duvet remover - stranger softener, smile widener, shoulder-broadener extraordinaire
You鈥檙e a VIP doing VI poo
You鈥檙e an up-chucker, mucker upper, upper-body workout kit, authority ignorer, brain re-wirer, furniture restorer requirer
You鈥檙e clap-happy when you鈥檙e out and about, you鈥檙e the opposite of fossil, you鈥檙e a bustle sprout
What are you?
You鈥檙e a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot鈥..
What are you?
You鈥檙e a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot
What are you?
You鈥檙e a wide-eyed windfall, a button-pushing pinball
Life-altering all-terrain boogie buggy passenger - you鈥檙e a huggy cuddle craver, you鈥檙e a snugly cradle raver - you鈥檙e a bit of a groover, a duvet remover, embedded bed-jewel, schedule re-arranger, stranger softener, smile widener, shoulder-broadener extraordinaire
You鈥檙e a suckler for nourishment, a chuckler, a cackler, you鈥檙e a tackle tinkerer, you鈥檙e a rugby tackler. Quick thinker, deep stinker, aromatherapist
You鈥檙e a home improvement, a luminous ruminant, a whole new artistic movement, not-always-the-gentlest experimentalist, nipple twister, blister-burster鈥.
Cup breaker, beaker leaker, laughter lover, sensation seeker, you鈥檙e a much sought after after-dinner gobbledegook speaker. (Aren鈥檛 you?)
You鈥檙e a VIP doing VI poo, dream-snatcher, germ-catcher, charming squirmer, worm鈥揾armer, goody grabber, crab walker, eye-jabber, Daddy stalker
You鈥檙e an up-chucker, flannel sucker, mucker upper, upper-body workout kit, shit manufacturer, bachelor botherer, authority ignorer, brain re-wirer, furniture restorer requirer
Indiscriminate techno lover, take-no-prisoners soft toy smotherer, brother annoyer, book-about-raising-boys destroyer鈥
You鈥檙e crap-happy when you鈥檙e out and about, you鈥檙e the opposite of fossil, you鈥檙e a bustle sprout
Yes you are, you鈥檙e a dream debutante, gene databank, love bucket, pocket primate, utterly crackpot smacked not lottery jackpot鈥..
What are you?
From The Hole in the Sum of my Parts by Matt Harvey, published by the Poetry Trust, ISBN 0-9550910-0-4, www.thepoetrytrust.org
Cold Cases
You鈥檝e been bad鈥
You did dark deeds in the Black Country - you whacked and hacked and maimed
You did things with Dandie Dinmonts of which you should be ashamed
You slashed the tyres of life coaches, and then you went yet further
You eviscerated novelists 鈥 you got away with murder!
鈥r did you?
For though you couldn鈥檛 have been suaver 鈥 you wore silk gloves, a balaclava 鈥
There鈥檚 a trace of you that places you where you should not have been
That undermines your alibi and puts you at the scene
It鈥檚 a fibre so fine that it鈥檚 almost not there
It鈥檚 a spot of saliva, the hint of a hair
It鈥檚 a smidgeon, a tad, a jot or a fleck
It鈥檚 a smudge that鈥檚 a snitch, it鈥檚 a dot or a spec
There鈥檚 a miniscule mark on the lip of a cup
And it鈥檚 learning to speak and it鈥檚 grassing you up
It鈥檚 the weeniest, tiniest, teeniest strand
Your own private barcode, your own unique brand
And since your DNA has told on you
Your case is not so cold, and you
Now fear the long reach of the law
The fateful knock upon the door鈥
鈥溾ood Lord, it鈥檚 Detective Chief Superintendent Graham Shaw.
What seems to be the problem officer?鈥
Dandie Dinmont in Danger
How can the Dandie Dinmont
This terrier of distinction
Which lights up the canine firmament
Be threatened with extinction?
Well, here鈥檚 the problem:
If a lady Dandie Dinmont finds herself in heat -
And she looks but finds no randy manly Dandie Dinmont handy,
And she鈥檇 rather that the gene pool were diluted than deleted
Plus she鈥檚 looking for fulfilment and she wants to feel completed -
Then what else can she do鈥
鈥ut go downmarket?
With this in mind what can we do, but what the Dandie Dinmont
Would appear to want us to鈥
We must set up special evenings of Dandie Dinmont dating
And the need to breed will lead at speed to Dandy Dinmont mating
Let them romp and rough and tumble and indulge in fun and frolics
Let them sniff each other鈥檚 bottoms, let them lick each other鈥檚 collars
In a few short weeks the fitter ones will drop litters of little ones
A cache of Dandie Dinmont pups - the Masarati among mutts 鈥
Then, with basketfuls of doggies, Dandie Dinmont to the core,
Their look-alike, Paul Keevil, can go from door to door
Crying: Adopt a Dandie Dinmont! Take a Dandie Dinmont home!
Give them Dandie Dinmont din-dins, grooming, love and room to roam,
They鈥檒l repay your love with loyalty, with friendliness and fun鈥
The darling Dandie Dinmont - God preserve 鈥檈m, every one.
Really enjoyed the adoption poem. Have been trying to find it on 大象传媒 site but don't think it is here. Any chance of getting a copy of it? Also, liked poem at the end - very impressive if it really was written during the show. Many thanks. Cheryl
Complain about this postI really liked the "adoption" poem too. I would also like to know where I can obtain the text.
Complain about this postThanks.
Really enjoyed 'Saturday Live this morning.Matt read out a brilliant poem about Rob the Rubbish.
Please can you tell me how I get a copy of it?
Also more on 'underground' Rome.
Thanks, John
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