Elvis McGonagall
Elvis McGonagall - poet, twit and armchair revolutionary does the rhyming this week. Find out more about him on his .
Unwanted Gests (sic)
Double D-List drama queens
Persil teeth and tango tans
Desperately seeking
Fortune, fame and fans
They carry on up the jungle
They fandango round the floor
Turn-off the idiots鈥 lantern
Tune in to Radio 4
The Woman In Black
2 megalomaniac managers
22 petulant millionaires
50,000 prejudiced partisans
One man with a whistle鈥檚 nightmares
Sclerotic faces scream abuse
Oh who would be a ref?
Running backwards up the pitch
With the grace of Nureyev
You need the skin of a rhino
To be a guardian made of stone
鈥楥os even the teams鈥 furry mascots
Pump out testosterone
It鈥檚 pushing 鈥榥 diving, effing 鈥榥 blinding
Handbags 鈥榥 headbutts a la Zidane
The boys鈥 playground needs feminine discipline
It鈥檚 not a job for a man
Then they鈥檇 be on their best behaviour
They wouldn鈥檛 have to be warned
For football hath no fury
Like a woman referee scorned
She鈥檇 tell Wayne he is not The Messiah
鈥淵ou鈥檙e a very naughty boy, do you hear?鈥
And if he stamps his feet, then he鈥檚 off 鈥 to bed
With no tea and a clip round the ear
There鈥檇 be no more vulgar terrace chants
They鈥檇 sing with style and finesse
鈥淲ho鈥檚 the lady in the black?
Who鈥檚 the lady in the long black dress?鈥
But look at that! She鈥檚 wearing a cloak and a hood!
Remarkable! The referee looks like a witch!
Some people think it鈥檚 all over
It is now. There鈥檚 a druid on the pitch
I Will Survive The Spy Who Didn鈥檛 Love Me
Once upon a time lived three brothers
Harold and Robert and James
James was particularly handsome
Very good at philandering games
Mrs Bond was proud of her sons
Harry and Jim and Bob
Jim worked for Her Majesty鈥檚 government
In a tip-top secret job
Where Miss Moneypenny drudged in the office
Sunk in a Slough of Despond
鈥楾il she heard the burr of an Edinburgh brogue
鈥淵ou look like Judi Dench. The name鈥檚 Bond. James Bond鈥.
[played in this poem by Sean Connery. Rather badly]
鈥淥h James!鈥 said Miss Moneypenny, smitten
鈥淵ou, me, fireplace, dinner and wine?鈥
鈥淚鈥檇 prefer a vodka martini鈥 said James
And she knew then they would never intertwine
Sure enough, at the drop of a hat he was off
Duty called 鈥 it was Pussy Galore
Leaving Miss Moneypenny waiting
Alone with her filing once more
鈥淭hunderballs to Double 0-7!鈥 she yelled
鈥淵ou only live once 鈥 I resign!
I鈥檓 going to become a brain surgeon
With a garden of sweet columbine
Where I鈥檒l run through tall grass with six corgis
On a tennis court turning to hay
For I may have decided to pull up my roots
But I鈥檒l never just shrivel away!鈥
